Definitely true things you've heard about Footballers

[Reckoner]

I'm involved!

[Jairzinho]

Alberto Aquilani has a 27% stake in Liverpool Football Club.

[alles ist gut]

Norwich City frontman Grant Holt was not born, but was in fact carved from an enormous bar of Caramac.

[Moss is Boss]

Wayne Rooney is following up his hair transplant this summer with a face transplant. Word is his Mrs is so happy about this she already started fucking other men in preparation for the event.

[Bjornebye]

Pat nevin hasn't got sky

[Trumo]

Martin Skrtel can't eat jelly babies without giving each one a name first. Little Vaclav is still trapped between the driver's seat and transmission tunnel of Martin's car where he dropped him.

[Uncle_Meat]

Ex Tranmere defender Ged Brannan is allergic to glass, it makes his lips catch fire. He carries a plastic Dora the Explorer beaker with him at all times for whenever he is offered a cold drink.

 

Djimi Traore has never seen his own shadow, stroked a cat or slept horizontally.

 

Steve Harkness was rejected from the Army for attracting enemy fire.

[A Red]

Andre Wisdom is the son of the old time music hall, comic actor and singer Arthur Askey.

[Jairzinho]

Nabil El Zhar is the only person in Spain that is currently receiving both free school dinners, and a state pension.

[jonnybastard]

The king's 800 million pound pay off was paid by bill gates, because he missed their evening fishing trips together.

[Faustus]

After his overhead kick against Sunderland was incorrectly deemed to have not crossed the line by a visually compromised linesman, Bernard Diomede fell into a spiralling depression; now reliant on painkillers and alcohol to numb the pain of his crowning glory so cruelly snatched from him.

 

Bernard spends his days holed up in a dingy apartment Travis Bickle style, posing with firearms and talking to his own reflection; vowing vengeance one day on said linesman.

[Fowlers God]

Rafa Benitez once worked as a...ah. No can't go there.

[Uncle_Meat]

Mark Wright is able to warp space-time due to a black hole in his left knee. This is what made him look slow to an outside observer, as in his own relative space-time he was able to reach a top speed of 43 Mph.

[Faustus]

Ruel Fox is still haunted by the fact he was one sticker away from completing his Merlin Premier League '94 album. In a cruel twist of fate, the sticker which eluded him was of himself; gloriously clad in his Norwich City splendour.

[Trumo]

When making Battlefield Earth, John Travolta decided to model his appearance on that of Celtic's Swedish star striker Henrik Larsson, having been captivated by his dominant performance in a recent Old Firm derby.

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

Every day on their way home from training, Stewart Dowing and Jordan Henderson are regularly overpowered and abused by a small child

[Trumo]

Former Manchester City striker Uwe Rosler once filled in for actor Michael French on the set of Eastenders, playing local cad David Wicks. Neither the producers nor other cast members noticed any drop in acting ability.

[Faustus]

Les Reed's brieft stint managing Charlton Athletic was actually a figment of the nation's collective imagination.

[Trumo]

Former QPR winger Andy Sinton switches the lights on and off in his house by roundhouse kicking them in the style of his hero Chuck Norris, aka Walker: Texas Ranger.

[ph245]

Alex Ferguson's nose has 27 different shades of purple, dependant on the amount of whisky consumed prior to kick off, the timing of the opponants first goal, and the amount of extra time required for his side to score the winning goal.

[Faustus]

Darren Anderton's nickname 'sick note' actually stems from his school days, where he was adept at forging parents' signatures in order to excuse unenthusiastic pupils from PE lessons.

[Guest davelfc]

Staff at old trafford are worried about the new statue of ferguson, it appears to have attracted a lot of interest from passing pigeons. They have increased their cleaning of it but are worried that at this rate it might spout more shit in a week than the man it represents.

[The Golden Eel]

Gerry Francis had his hair surgically implanted in 1982.

[Faustus]

Phil Brown is considering legal action against EL James after he claims she explicitly stole excerpts from his erotic manusctipt '50 Shades of Brown'.

[ph245]

The real reason the FA are petrified of Alex Ferguson is that whenever he is called to attend a hearing, he tells them that if they don't do what he says, he will stick his finger up his bum and make everyone on the board smell it.