Depression

[Babb'sBurstNad]

I recently got turned down for an ADHD assessment. I asked to go via Right to Choose, and long story short my paperwork wasn't put through, so I was a year on the NHS waiting list and - shock horror - they said I didn't meet the threshold to even talk to someone. I get the sense they're turning people away in droves. 

 

What annoyed me is I'm not the type to put down a 10 on any questionnaire, so I fucked myself there. If anyone else goes down that route, don't underplay your struggles.

[luxury_scruff]

As a retired gentleman, I tackled a big pile of ironing today and listened to a podcast with Steve Peters.

 

Steven Bartlett aside, I was enthused to hear Peters talk about our values (as in the type of person we wish to be, or wish to maintain being).

 

Pleasingly it is on YouTube - may be interesting for some people:

 

 

[TheSire]

47 minutes ago, elvis said:

Is it a difficult process to test for ADHD ? My daughter is in Liverpool uni  , and is convinced she has it - all the symptoms point to it apparently. She struggles like hell to concentrate, and caffeine helps she says , but she seems to be ultra sensitive to it and can give her a racing pulse . Her gp is over here on the isle of man, and  she seems to think it's a very long winded process to diagnose? 

I used to get horrible jitters from caffeine, weirdly a stronger stimulant just makes me feel awake as opposed to a corpse, and I'm also calm and feel everything is just easier.

 

I ended up going private but you can get referred to a private provider through something called Right To Choose without paying. A few approved providers have agreements with the NHS where they can refer, going directly through the NHS will literally take years as resource is so fucked. 

 

Feel free to inbox, happy to help!

[TheSire]

37 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

I recently got turned down for an ADHD assessment. I asked to go via Right to Choose, and long story short my paperwork wasn't put through, so I was a year on the NHS waiting list and - shock horror - they said I didn't meet the threshold to even talk to someone. I get the sense they're turning people away in droves. 

 

What annoyed me is I'm not the type to put down a 10 on any questionnaire, so I fucked myself there. If anyone else goes down that route, don't underplay your struggles.

Sadly this does happen, it varies wildly based on your GP practice. My GP practice were straightforward. Mental health nurse asked some triage questions, then sent me a link to the ASRS questionnaire (just a basic 20 question one) and they were happy to refer based off of that. I also filled out the DIVA5 questionnaire which is much more thorough so maybe try that gave more weight. 

 

Drop me a message if you want, will try and get back to you when I'm back in the UK tomorrow. 

[Babb'sBurstNad]

1 hour ago, TheSire said:

Sadly this does happen, it varies wildly based on your GP practice. My GP practice were straightforward. Mental health nurse asked some triage questions, then sent me a link to the ASRS questionnaire (just a basic 20 question one) and they were happy to refer based off of that. I also filled out the DIVA5 questionnaire which is much more thorough so maybe try that gave more weight. 

 

Drop me a message if you want, will try and get back to you when I'm back in the UK tomorrow. 

 

Cheers. I plan to go back and lay it on thick with the doctor. Sadly, the best way to be heard is to make yourself a right pain.

[TheSire]

17 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

 

Cheers. I plan to go back and lay it on thick with the doctor. Sadly, the best way to be heard is to make yourself a right pain.

Best advice I'd give is to prep beforehand. Get a good understanding of symptoms and how they've impacted you, try to emphasise that this has persisted all your life, and you don't feel that it's depression etc. Definitely print and fill the DIVA5 form as its much more detailed and similar to the actual questionnaire used for assessment.

 

I think some GPs aren't very aware of ADHD or may be biased against the idea of it. Some might be dismissive because some patients may vaguely say they can't concentrate etc, if you do a bit of homework it'll be harder for them to be dismissive. Do you suspect family members show signs too? Worth mentioning as its a highly heritable condition. 

[Babb'sBurstNad]

2 minutes ago, TheSire said:

Best advice I'd give is to prep beforehand. Get a good understanding of symptoms and how they've impacted you, try to emphasise that this has persisted all your life, and you don't feel that it's depression etc. Definitely print and fill the DIVA5 form as its much more detailed and similar to the actual questionnaire used for assessment.

 

I think some GPs aren't very aware of ADHD or may be biased against the idea of it. Some might be dismissive because some patients may vaguely say they can't concentrate etc, if you do a bit of homework it'll be harder for them to be dismissive. Do you suspect family members show signs too? Worth mentioning as its a highly heritable condition. 

 

Yeah, I've got family members with it, and autism.

[TheSire]

3 minutes ago, Babb'sBurstNad said:

 

Yeah, I've got family members with it, and autism.

It's probably not a coincidence then! Definitely mention this. Mention the impact of symptoms too. This is key to diagnosis. I think where some sell themselves short during the actual assessment process is that they discuss symptoms but not the impact.

 

The below criteria is used to assess, notice that IMPACT is needed, not just symptoms as the impairment needs to be to the point that it's disabling in order to diagnose. A lot don't realise this aspect.

 

In Europe and the USA the DSM5 is used. The reason for more liberal diagnosis in the USA is because the bar is MUCH lower for impairment, but the assessment of symptoms is exactly the same.

 

 

[TheSire]

Just now, TheSire said:

It's probably not a coincidence then! Definitely mention this. Mention the impact of symptoms too. This is key to diagnosis. I think where some sell themselves short during the actual assessment process is that they discuss symptoms but not the impact.

 

The below criteria is used to assess, notice that IMPACT is needed, not just symptoms as the impairment needs to be to the point that it's disabling in order to diagnose. A lot don't realise this aspect.

 

In Europe and the USA the DSM5 is used. The reason for more liberal diagnosis in the USA is because the bar is MUCH lower for impairment, but the assessment of symptoms is exactly the same.

 

 

Notice how depression and anxiety are not used to exclude a diagnosis as these commonly occur as secondary symptoms of ADHD in their own right. My anxiety and flat mood just evaporated overnight tbh.

[Creator Supreme]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-59577162

 

Just been reading about arrests using one of these in Switzerland.

 

I think it's genius.

[lifetime fan]

I’m really struggling at the moment, have been for a few years to be honest if I look at the genuine reason. 
 

My dad has always been my hero and best mate, my brother has 2 daughters and I have no biological children. The family name will die with us. 
 

I have 2 step sons that mean the world to me, I work my ass off to provide anything and everything I can for them, I love them as if they were my own and desperately wish they were. 
 

But they’re not. 
 

And not being a biological father is just constantly fucking eating away at me and dragging me down. 
 

When I was 18 I got a 22 year old lesbian pregnant when at Camp America. Unbeknownst to me at the time she had an abortion. I wouldn’t have been able to be a dad, I was far too much of a fucking kid myself. 

Even when I found out 2 years later I celebrated it at times and used it as a joke to make mates laugh. 
 

I then was in a series of relationships where she would want kids and I knew I was too immature. She wanted kids but I didn’t want the financial strain. She wanted kids but she’d already been through the menopause and would die of cancer. She was a lying cunt and never wanted kids just wanted to rob me of my house. 
 

And then she wanted a kid but life was too late for both of us. 
 

I’m now nearly 45, not a ‘father’ and it eats away at me every fucking day. If I could go back to 18 year old me I’d beg her to keep that baby and have changed so many life decisions. 
 

I see everyone around me either having kids, moaning about them or raving about them. 
 

I have 2 stepsons I fucking adore and genuinely wish they were my own, they’re sound as fuck, even their dad is decent and I can go for a pint with him, but they’re not ‘mine’ and it’s fucking killing me. 
 

I’ll never be a a biological dad and it hurts like fuck. 
 

Sorry for the ramble, I’ve been drinking. 

[razor]

1 hour ago, lifetime fan said:

I’m really struggling at the moment, have been for a few years to be honest if I look at the genuine reason. 
 

My dad has always been my hero and best mate, my brother has 2 daughters and I have no biological children. The family name will die with us. 
 

I have 2 step sons that mean the world to me, I work my ass off to provide anything and everything I can for them, I love them as if they were my own and desperately wish they were. 
 

But they’re not. 
 

And not being a biological father is just constantly fucking eating away at me and dragging me down. 
 

When I was 18 I got a 22 year old lesbian pregnant when at Camp America. Unbeknownst to me at the time she had an abortion. I wouldn’t have been able to be a dad, I was far too much of a fucking kid myself. 

Even when I found out 2 years later I celebrated it at times and used it as a joke to make mates laugh. 
 

I then was in a series of relationships where she would want kids and I knew I was too immature. She wanted kids but I didn’t want the financial strain. She wanted kids but she’d already been through the menopause and would die of cancer. She was a lying cunt and never wanted kids just wanted to rob me of my house. 
 

And then she wanted a kid but life was too late for both of us. 
 

I’m now nearly 45, not a ‘father’ and it eats away at me every fucking day. If I could go back to 18 year old me I’d beg her to keep that baby and have changed so many life decisions. 
 

I see everyone around me either having kids, moaning about them or raving about them. 
 

I have 2 stepsons I fucking adore and genuinely wish they were my own, they’re sound as fuck, even their dad is decent and I can go for a pint with him, but they’re not ‘mine’ and it’s fucking killing me. 
 

I’ll never be a a biological dad and it hurts like fuck. 
 

Sorry for the ramble, I’ve been drinking. 

 

Yes, that's tough, mate.

 

But the phrase, "I forgive myself now for not knowing what I didn't know then" comes to mind.

 

You behaved a bit like a child because you were a child.

 

There are lots of ways to add to the world - and you do that.

 

[Creator Supreme]

10 hours ago, lifetime fan said:

I’m really struggling at the moment, have been for a few years to be honest if I look at the genuine reason. 
 

My dad has always been my hero and best mate, my brother has 2 daughters and I have no biological children. The family name will die with us. 
 

I have 2 step sons that mean the world to me, I work my ass off to provide anything and everything I can for them, I love them as if they were my own and desperately wish they were. 
 

But they’re not. 
 

And not being a biological father is just constantly fucking eating away at me and dragging me down. 
 

When I was 18 I got a 22 year old lesbian pregnant when at Camp America. Unbeknownst to me at the time she had an abortion. I wouldn’t have been able to be a dad, I was far too much of a fucking kid myself. 

Even when I found out 2 years later I celebrated it at times and used it as a joke to make mates laugh. 
 

I then was in a series of relationships where she would want kids and I knew I was too immature. She wanted kids but I didn’t want the financial strain. She wanted kids but she’d already been through the menopause and would die of cancer. She was a lying cunt and never wanted kids just wanted to rob me of my house. 
 

And then she wanted a kid but life was too late for both of us. 
 

I’m now nearly 45, not a ‘father’ and it eats away at me every fucking day. If I could go back to 18 year old me I’d beg her to keep that baby and have changed so many life decisions. 
 

I see everyone around me either having kids, moaning about them or raving about them. 
 

I have 2 stepsons I fucking adore and genuinely wish they were my own, they’re sound as fuck, even their dad is decent and I can go for a pint with him, but they’re not ‘mine’ and it’s fucking killing me. 
 

I’ll never be a a biological dad and it hurts like fuck. 
 

Sorry for the ramble, I’ve been drinking. 

No apologies needed Col, it's what the thread is here for.

 

Tough read mate. I'm lucky enough to be a biological dad (as far as I know), but you don't have to have a biological link to be a father.

 

Your lads love you as their dad, as much as their biological dad most likely, and that's what's important.

 

Chin up mate.

[Bruce Spanner]

Dads are there for the deposit, fathers for the interest.

[Section_31]

Been feeling really drained lately due to the Mrs' situation.

 

I posted about it a year ago, but essentially she was forced out of her school job by someone she thought was a friend. Him and a couple of others just turned on her, never seen anything like it, like something from a zombie film. The union shit on her too. 

 

She was out of work for a while and is now doing long term supply work. She hates it though. She's been applying for senior leadership jobs (she used to be one) but has only had two bites out of about 10 applications.

 

She takes every rejection to heart and beats herself up, and I'll respond by telling her how good she is and everything will be okay in the end. I'm starting to suspect she quite enjoys the nihilistic aspect of that kind of talk though and of me trying to cheer her up, possibly because her mum is quite cold, I honestly don't know.

 

I'm knackered though, absolutely knackered. I'm frustrated as I can't fix the problem, but drained of constantly trying to keep her emotionally propped up. 

 

Her job has always been a grind for me. She can't drive so I have to get up at the crack of dawn every day and drop her at work at half seven. Then I pick her up every night, we have tea then she's upstairs doing work until nine. Comes down for an hour then we're in bed for 10. We don't do anything on Sundays either as she's working all day upstairs. It's been that way for 10 years.

 

With these job applications I've had to take her to walkarounds, interviews etc and then console her/cheer her up more often than not. 

 

She's different to me, I've been turned down for loads of jobs but I just crack on, it's never impacted her life, but this is impacting mine. My blood pressure is high lately and my stomach is bad when I've been going to pick her up. She's always fed up with the day she's had, now and again she cries.

 

I just want her to be happy but am powerless. Me personally I'd get out of teaching if i was her, from hers and the experiences of other people I know, they're filled to the brim with absolutely vile people.

 

It's what she's always wanted to do, but I suspect it's more the idea of it than the reality. 

 

I'm too old, too tired, too fucking blind.

[YorkshireRed]

4 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

Been feeling really drained lately due to the Mrs' situation.

 

I posted about it a year ago, but essentially she was forced out of her school job by someone she thought was a friend. Him and a couple of others just turned on her, never seen anything like it, like something from a zombie film. The union shit on her too. 

 

She was out of work for a while and is now doing long term supply work. She hates it though. She's been applying for senior leadership jobs (she used to be one) but has only had two bites out of about 10 applications.

 

She takes every rejection to heart and beats herself up, and I'll respond by telling her how good she is and everything will be okay in the end. I'm starting to suspect she quite enjoys the nihilistic aspect of that kind of talk though and of me trying to cheer her up, possibly because her mum is quite cold, I honestly don't know.

 

I'm knackered though, absolutely knackered. I'm frustrated as I can't fix the problem, but drained of constantly trying to keep her emotionally propped up. 

 

Her job has always been a grind for me. She can't drive so I have to get up at the crack of dawn every day and drop her at work at half seven. Then I pick her up every night, we have tea then she's upstairs doing work until nine. Comes down for an hour then we're in bed for 10. We don't do anything on Sundays either as she's working all day upstairs. It's been that way for 10 years.

 

With these job applications I've had to take her to walkarounds, interviews etc and then console her/cheer her up more often than not. 

 

She's different to me, I've been turned down for loads of jobs but I just crack on, it's never impacted her life, but this is impacting mine. My blood pressure is high lately and my stomach is bad when I've been going to pick her up. She's always fed up with the day she's had, now and again she cries.

 

I just want her to be happy but am powerless. Me personally I'd get out of teaching if i was her, from hers and the experiences of other people I know, they're filled to the brim with absolutely vile people.

 

It's what she's always wanted to do, but I suspect it's more the idea of it than the reality. 

 

I'm too old, too tired, too fucking blind.

I know it’s very easy to say that you should try and find a way to tell her how you feel, but you should try. 
 

If you want to keep helping/supporting her, and I assume you do, then it sounds like you’re needing some help/support in return. If not from her, from elsewhere. 
 

I hope it gets better. Sounds like you’re on the verge of some kind of burnout. Don’t leave it unaddressed, I think you know that’s not a path to be on.

 

Take care.

[Rushies tash]

12 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

Been feeling really drained lately due to the Mrs' situation.

 

I posted about it a year ago, but essentially she was forced out of her school job by someone she thought was a friend. Him and a couple of others just turned on her, never seen anything like it, like something from a zombie film. The union shit on her too. 

 

She was out of work for a while and is now doing long term supply work. She hates it though. She's been applying for senior leadership jobs (she used to be one) but has only had two bites out of about 10 applications.

 

She takes every rejection to heart and beats herself up, and I'll respond by telling her how good she is and everything will be okay in the end. I'm starting to suspect she quite enjoys the nihilistic aspect of that kind of talk though and of me trying to cheer her up, possibly because her mum is quite cold, I honestly don't know.

 

I'm knackered though, absolutely knackered. I'm frustrated as I can't fix the problem, but drained of constantly trying to keep her emotionally propped up. 

 

Her job has always been a grind for me. She can't drive so I have to get up at the crack of dawn every day and drop her at work at half seven. Then I pick her up every night, we have tea then she's upstairs doing work until nine. Comes down for an hour then we're in bed for 10. We don't do anything on Sundays either as she's working all day upstairs. It's been that way for 10 years.

 

With these job applications I've had to take her to walkarounds, interviews etc and then console her/cheer her up more often than not. 

 

She's different to me, I've been turned down for loads of jobs but I just crack on, it's never impacted her life, but this is impacting mine. My blood pressure is high lately and my stomach is bad when I've been going to pick her up. She's always fed up with the day she's had, now and again she cries.

 

I just want her to be happy but am powerless. Me personally I'd get out of teaching if i was her, from hers and the experiences of other people I know, they're filled to the brim with absolutely vile people.

 

It's what she's always wanted to do, but I suspect it's more the idea of it than the reality. 

 

I'm too old, too tired, too fucking blind.

 

Has she tried to go for a class based teaching job with some leadership responsibility (subject lead etc) rather than straight into a senior leadership role? The fact that she was out of permanent work for a while may be counting against her and alot of the senior jobs go to staff already at the school anyway. Once she has a permanent role, she can take on more responsibility then.

 

And I can only echo what YR has said, try to look after yourself mate.

[Section_31]

58 minutes ago, Rushies tash said:

 

Has she tried to go for a class based teaching job with some leadership responsibility (subject lead etc) rather than straight into a senior leadership role? The fact that she was out of permanent work for a while may be counting against her and alot of the senior jobs go to staff already at the school anyway. Once she has a permanent role, she can take on more responsibility then.

 

And I can only echo what YR has said, try to look after yourself mate.

 

I think that's the problem mate. She was a phase leader and curriculum head, she's had two interviews for deputy head jobs but not got them. She's a bit stuck though as she's too expensive now to just be a teacher, they'd tend to take on ECTs. 

 

Yeah I'm becoming more mindful of the need to look after my own marbles. I'm good at spotting the warning signs now compared to when I was younger.

 

Cheers both.

[Elite]

1 hour ago, Section_31 said:

Been feeling really drained lately due to the Mrs' situation.

 

I posted about it a year ago, but essentially she was forced out of her school job by someone she thought was a friend. Him and a couple of others just turned on her, never seen anything like it, like something from a zombie film. The union shit on her too. 

 

She was out of work for a while and is now doing long term supply work. She hates it though. She's been applying for senior leadership jobs (she used to be one) but has only had two bites out of about 10 applications.

 

She takes every rejection to heart and beats herself up, and I'll respond by telling her how good she is and everything will be okay in the end. I'm starting to suspect she quite enjoys the nihilistic aspect of that kind of talk though and of me trying to cheer her up, possibly because her mum is quite cold, I honestly don't know.

 

I'm knackered though, absolutely knackered. I'm frustrated as I can't fix the problem, but drained of constantly trying to keep her emotionally propped up. 

 

Her job has always been a grind for me. She can't drive so I have to get up at the crack of dawn every day and drop her at work at half seven. Then I pick her up every night, we have tea then she's upstairs doing work until nine. Comes down for an hour then we're in bed for 10. We don't do anything on Sundays either as she's working all day upstairs. It's been that way for 10 years.

 

With these job applications I've had to take her to walkarounds, interviews etc and then console her/cheer her up more often than not. 

 

She's different to me, I've been turned down for loads of jobs but I just crack on, it's never impacted her life, but this is impacting mine. My blood pressure is high lately and my stomach is bad when I've been going to pick her up. She's always fed up with the day she's had, now and again she cries.

 

I just want her to be happy but am powerless. Me personally I'd get out of teaching if i was her, from hers and the experiences of other people I know, they're filled to the brim with absolutely vile people.

 

It's what she's always wanted to do, but I suspect it's more the idea of it than the reality. 

 

I'm too old, too tired, too fucking blind.

Buy her a block of driving lessons for Christmas.

 

Driving would actually help her job wise and also take the strain off you.

[Section_31]

2 minutes ago, Elite said:

Buy her a block of driving lessons for Christmas.

 

Driving would actually help her job wise and also take the strain off you.

 

She'd never do it mate, she's failed her test three times before she met me and it's borderline ptsd.

[A Red]

4 minutes ago, Elite said:

Buy her a block of driving lessons for Christmas.

 

12 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

 

I think that's the problem mate. She was a phase leader and curriculum head, she's had two interviews for deputy head jobs but not got them. She's a bit stuck though as she's too expensive now to just be a teacher, they'd tend to take on ECTs. 

 

Yeah I'm becoming more mindful of the need to look after my own marbles. I'm good at spotting the warning signs now compared to when I was younger.

 

Cheers both.

As you say, looking after your own marbles is also important. As Elite said, get her lessons and the test passed. 

 

Both your lives would be much better and the opportunities greater.

 

Edit. Just seen your reply above

[Turkish Delight]

On 03/10/2024 at 03:18, lifetime fan said:

I’m really struggling at the moment, have been for a few years to be honest if I look at the genuine reason. 
 

My dad has always been my hero and best mate, my brother has 2 daughters and I have no biological children. The family name will die with us. 
 

I have 2 step sons that mean the world to me, I work my ass off to provide anything and everything I can for them, I love them as if they were my own and desperately wish they were. 
 

But they’re not. 
 

And not being a biological father is just constantly fucking eating away at me and dragging me down. 
 

When I was 18 I got a 22 year old lesbian pregnant when at Camp America. Unbeknownst to me at the time she had an abortion. I wouldn’t have been able to be a dad, I was far too much of a fucking kid myself. 

Even when I found out 2 years later I celebrated it at times and used it as a joke to make mates laugh. 
 

I then was in a series of relationships where she would want kids and I knew I was too immature. She wanted kids but I didn’t want the financial strain. She wanted kids but she’d already been through the menopause and would die of cancer. She was a lying cunt and never wanted kids just wanted to rob me of my house. 
 

And then she wanted a kid but life was too late for both of us. 
 

I’m now nearly 45, not a ‘father’ and it eats away at me every fucking day. If I could go back to 18 year old me I’d beg her to keep that baby and have changed so many life decisions. 
 

I see everyone around me either having kids, moaning about them or raving about them. 
 

I have 2 stepsons I fucking adore and genuinely wish they were my own, they’re sound as fuck, even their dad is decent and I can go for a pint with him, but they’re not ‘mine’ and it’s fucking killing me. 
 

I’ll never be a a biological dad and it hurts like fuck. 
 

Sorry for the ramble, I’ve been drinking. 

 

Bit late on this one but just wanted to add something on this.

 

My parents divorced when I was was about 10. My stepdad has been a massive influence on my life and was probably my main role model growing up.

 

I can't really comment on that desire to have kids that are biologically yours but don't under-estimate the parental effect you can have on your stepsons. I could easily have gone off the rails when I was younger but didn't as I had someone there who set me a good example.

 

I also get on brilliantly with my dad's wife and consider myself very lucky to have four parents (I've said exactly that to all of them at some point). The biology of all that is totally irrelevant in terms of how I feel about them.

[lifetime fan]

1 hour ago, Turkish Delight said:

 

Bit late on this one but just wanted to add something on this.

 

My parents divorced when I was was about 10. My stepdad has been a massive influence on my life and was probably my main role model growing up.

 

I can't really comment on that desire to have kids that are biologically yours but don't under-estimate the parental effect you can have on your stepsons. I could easily have gone off the rails when I was younger but didn't as I had someone there who set me a good example.

 

I also get on brilliantly with my dad's wife and consider myself very lucky to have four parents (I've said exactly that to all of them at some point). The biology of all that is totally irrelevant in terms of how I feel about them.

Thanks mate, Owen has himself said something similar to the bit I’ve put in bold, along the lines of being lucky his mum and dad are both happy and he has 4 people that love him. 
 

It’s just that biological thing that’s eating away at me. 

 

 

[elvis]

On 10/10/2024 at 20:45, Section_31 said:

 

She'd never do it mate, she's failed her test three times before she met me and it's borderline ptsd.

Now that she's no longer tied to a job she used to love, you should try and persuade her to give the Iom a go. I believe they're always after secondary school teachers , not saying it's perfect over here but a change of scenery etc might be worth considering - hope things turn around for you both .

[Section_31]

37 minutes ago, elvis said:

Now that she's no longer tied to a job she used to love, you should try and persuade her to give the Iom a go. I believe they're always after secondary school teachers , not saying it's perfect over here but a change of scenery etc might be worth considering - hope things turn around for you both .

 

Yeah we'd try that like a shot, she's primary and we've been looking actually.