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11 hours ago, Vector Sigma said:

Met a girl online a week ago and we get on like a house on fire. She's gorgeous. I drove to her town earlier and we walked her dog and chatted. The flirting was top level and her dog loved me too. When it's safe we are meeting up again.

Just to add to this, she's married but it's been barren for 5 years and divorce has been on the cards for months before I came on the scene.

 

Her husband is a die hard, Scouser hating Man Utd supporter. So not only is he having to put up with our victory last week, but his hot ex wife is going to be getting some proper Scouse loving!

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On 25/05/2020 at 13:07, Elite said:

I'll take the credit for that. Glad it's helped, I'm on 30mg and it proper levels me out.

Did you start off on that dose ? I'm on 15 mg a no d thinking of increasing to 30 .

News came through about my new flat lease today ,and I'm lower than a snakes belly . I've been floundering on and off for a few days and this  has just been a kick in the balls just when I didn't need it 

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4 minutes ago, elvis said:

Did you start off on that dose ? I'm on 15 mg a no d thinking of increasing to 30 .

News came through about my new flat lease today ,and I'm lower than a snakes belly . I've been floundering on and off for a few days and this  has just been a kick in the balls just when I didn't need it 

30mg, I've been up to 45mg in the past. Does it knock you out at night? That's why I like it, can be difficult getting up early though.

 

Get bumped up to 30mg, it's no miracle cure though mate just levels you out a bit more. You sound like you're going through it but as they say time heals, you'll have a new normal at some point once you're mind has processed everything.

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Can always tell my anxiety is on the up as I don't like people driving behind me even if they're miles away. They could be about 50 yards back and I'm like Edward Furlong on a scrambler. 

 

Was also getting uncharacteristically 

emotional after finishing Star Trek Enterprise on Netflix recently because we hadn't been back to the moon.

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On 30/06/2020 at 23:09, Vector Sigma said:

I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 almost 2 years ago now. I had everything in my dreams and lost it all, or rather those I lost didn't accept I was ill. At Christmas last year I was hours away from suicide.

 

There is much more detail, enough to write a book, but let me just add the recent positives in my life as a message to anyone who feels they are lost and without hope:-

 

I'm 2 months into a steady job. All is going well.

 

My divorce is almost complete.

 

No drink for two weeks, 10 days on Intermittent Fasting diet and 8lbs lost so far. No cigs since Saturday. I even abstained last Thursday and over the weekend and just got high on seeing the unbridled joy around the city. My cheat day is roughly when we will lift a certain trophy.

 

Met a girl online a week ago and we get on like a house on fire. She's gorgeous. I drove to her town earlier and we walked her dog and chatted. The flirting was top level and her dog loved me too. When it's safe we are meeting up again. When I got home I told her via WhatsApp the entire warts and all story of the last 2 interrupted years of my life. My heart was in my mouth when I said I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 and I asked her 'are you afraid?' She said no and thanked me for my candid honesty. It made my whole week to not be judged.

 

I'm not manic or hypomanic. I'm calm, considered and rational. No delusions or random spending, racing thoughts etc.

 

I'm just actually naturally happy for the first time in 2 years.

 

Stay strong and never give up on yourself.

Lovely story, man. 

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On 07/07/2020 at 16:17, Elite said:

30mg, I've been up to 45mg in the past. Does it knock you out at night? That's why I like it, can be difficult getting up early though.

 

Get bumped up to 30mg, it's no miracle cure though mate just levels you out a bit more. You sound like you're going through it but as they say time heals, you'll have a new normal at some point once you're mind has processed everything.

Yep , really thought I had it licked but the reality of moving out has hit me hard , have to sign the lease tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it . 

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1 hour ago, elvis said:

Yep , really thought I had it licked but the reality of moving out has hit me hard , have to sign the lease tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it . 

You'll get used to it eventually and will probably love the peace that comes with it, not to mention you can do what you want, when you want.

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  • 1 month later...

Started a new job yesterday. Less money, less hours at a new place. Its a job. I've 17 years experience selling phones, 6 as a manager. Back to being a consultant. I'm the oldest there by a way. One of them was belittling me, not realising I was stood behind her, she apologised but I felt like crying.

It feels like over the last two years I've become soft, I'm supposed to be a man but I constantly feel like bursting into tears. I'm already taking anti depressants,  been getting back into the gym but I feel like I'm broken

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5 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

Started a new job yesterday. Less money, less hours at a new place. Its a job. I've 17 years experience selling phones, 6 as a manager. Back to being a consultant. I'm the oldest there by a way. One of them was belittling me, not realising I was stood behind her, she apologised but I felt like crying.

It feels like over the last two years I've become soft, I'm supposed to be a man but I constantly feel like bursting into tears. I'm already taking anti depressants,  been getting back into the gym but I feel like I'm broken

Totally normal to feel like that brother. Some people get emotional, I tend to get angry and snappy then start googling islands, we all have our own ways of dealing with shit.

 

With this cow, one of the problems might be that you're in a job that attracts shitbags, sales for example probably attracts loads of wannabe apprentice types who think "getting on" is all about standing on other people's faces, but that's not on you, that's on them. 

 

Have you ever had any joy with therapy or thought about a different career path?

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I really hope all on this thread find their peace, learn to cope, find a way to talk and make themselves understood.
 

I also hope that, for those that this will be difficult to achieve, they don’t give up their own hope or blame themselves for falling a little short. Any sort of progress towards the above is still a step forward and you should be proud. I know how fucking difficult it’s been. 

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I should probably think about therapy, difficult to change career paths I'd say. I applied for a civil service job, there was 100 of them. Did a situational judgement test , scored better than 71% of people who do it but still didn't get an interview and my cv looks good.

I feel like a boxer who's past his best, taken a few blows and my punch resistance is shot.

I look and seem ok, then one gust of wind and I'm reeling

 

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9 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

I should probably think about therapy, difficult to change career paths I'd say. I applied for a civil service job, there was 100 of them. Did a situational judgement test , scored better than 71% of people who do it but still didn't get an interview and my cv looks good.

I feel like a boxer who's past his best, taken a few blows and my punch resistance is shot.

I look and seem ok, then one gust of wind and I'm reeling

 

That's totally normal that mate. It's emotinal resilience, when you've been through a lot of stuff it just gets reduced and you find it harder to deal with things. 

 

If you haven't tried it I would definitely look into some therapy. Medication is good for getting over the initial feelings I've found, but to really start looking at what's making you feel the way you're feeling it's good to have a bit of a guiding hand.

 

Another good thing about it is that you realise how common the way you're feeling is, it's an illness just like a physical illness, you have as much choice in catching it as you do the flu or cold, it's not your fault, it just creeps up on people.

 

The thing to remember if you can is that these feelins are temporary, you won't always feel like you do now, and maybe if you set some time aside when you're feeling up to it to research some counselling and look at some career or training options you'll slowly but surely start to feel better.

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33 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

Started a new job yesterday. Less money, less hours at a new place. Its a job. I've 17 years experience selling phones, 6 as a manager. Back to being a consultant. I'm the oldest there by a way. One of them was belittling me, not realising I was stood behind her, she apologised but I felt like crying.

It feels like over the last two years I've become soft, I'm supposed to be a man but I constantly feel like bursting into tears. I'm already taking anti depressants,  been getting back into the gym but I feel like I'm broken

I've been where you are. Many years ago when I was working in IT I had other members of staff who would make comments that at the time seemed inoccuous but turned out they were insults. Then I started getting upset at things that would be insults because the wounds were opened. It's taken a long time to get to a good place and now that I'm self-employed I've found that I have to be as tough as old boots to be able to roll with the inevitable punches that life will throw. The punches are a lot harder than people's insults.

 

I later realised that when I didn't see what other people were saying as insults, I was actually far better off in the long run. So the old saying goes, ignorance is bliss.

 

Looking back, the comparison of being employed by a company and being self-employed is night and day. A hobby/passion becoming your livelihood is better than any job can be.

 

I don't really know for sure if I can help in any way, perhaps there are others in a far better position than I. I'm 47 years of age and at the moment I feel better than I have ever felt in my life and I never thought ten years ago that what has happened over the last six months would actually strengthen my resolve. If this happened ten years ago it could have been very different, I'm certain of that.

 

Things can get better. Hopefully people who have seen that for themselves can convince you of it and help you find a way to achieve it yourself. You're definitely not alone and if you want any advice, feel free to post/PM, whatever.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can't focus on anything properly , I cant put my head on the pillow unless I'm pissed. Im terrified of going to sleep because my brain just decides to start hammering me over and over and over. I'm terrified of getting poorly again because I don't know how I'll cope with it. Shit stuff shouldn't happen to good people. Thats not me saying I'm a good person I just hate life and what it does to people when utter scum are living the life of riley and laughing at us on the telly. Whats the fucking point 

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46 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

I can't focus on anything properly , I cant put my head on the pillow unless I'm pissed. Im terrified of going to sleep because my brain just decides to start hammering me over and over and over. I'm terrified of getting poorly again because I don't know how I'll cope with it. Shit stuff shouldn't happen to good people. Thats not me saying I'm a good person I just hate life and what it does to people when utter scum are living the life of riley and laughing at us on the telly. Whats the fucking point 

As well as what else might be going on remember that you are grieving. Grief can do terrible things. You might think your doing ok, coping ok, but the body and mind have other ideas. Maybe even causing reactions we don’t recognise as grief at the time as it wasn’t in the instruction manual.
 

Very likely to be a trigger for other things as well. If you’ve had issues with mental health before then grief could well set you back. Even for someone who hasn’t, a major life trauma such as the one you’re going through could easily be a catalyst for a decline in theirs and the illnesses that come with it. 
 

I don’t know you, other than the persona you project on the Internet, but you seem to have enough self awareness to be able to separate those thoughts from the reality and to be at least try to recognise when you’re damaging yourself with thoughts about things that are outside your control.
 

If you are ‘getting poorly again’ then know this. You got through it before and you’ll do so again. This time armed with a greater understanding of what may be happening and what’s required to manage it. 
 

You also know that you probably need a little help right now. Ask for it, take it. If that wasn’t what you needed, ask for something else, take that. You definitely aren’t alone, even if, in your case, that includes clowns on an Internet forum. 
 

Oh and drink will never be the answer. Short term fixes don’t work, they just lead to longer, more challenging recovery periods. 

 

Sorry if this all reads a little preachy. I’m not claiming to be an expert and I doubt I’ve written anything you don’t already know yourself, even if you’re ignoring some of it as we all do.
 

I can’t sleep tonight so I might as well distract myself with lengthy replies on an Internet forum. I might not have helped you much, but you’ve helped me.

 

Be kind to your mind. 

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Just read Yorkshire Reds reply to Stig and all I can say is well said that man.

I don't have the facility to rep for some reason, but if I could I would.

Grief is a terrible thing, anybody who has been through it will tell you that.

Do your grieving now Mate and don't try and ignore it.

It's a very painful but very necessary process.

I lurked on here for many years before I actually joined and I know there are a lot of very good people here who will listen, understand and support you as best they can.

It's really early days Mate and it'll probably get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better.

I'm sure you're in a lot of people's thoughts, 

I know you're in mine.

 

 

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18 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

I can't focus on anything properly , I cant put my head on the pillow unless I'm pissed. Im terrified of going to sleep because my brain just decides to start hammering me over and over and over. I'm terrified of getting poorly again because I don't know how I'll cope with it. Shit stuff shouldn't happen to good people. Thats not me saying I'm a good person I just hate life and what it does to people when utter scum are living the life of riley and laughing at us on the telly. Whats the fucking point 

I know the feeling well , it's easy to say that booze makes things worse but sometimes you have to just get through the nights the best you can.  I try and limit myself to 5 maybe 6 cans if possible , because too much does make me a bit morose.  My wife has just told me if she's spoken to her solicitor and she's going to buy me out as that's the only way she can stop me coming around to OUR house .I'm not very happy to say the least  . Looking like checkmate now . 

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4 minutes ago, elvis said:

I know the feeling well , it's easy to say that booze makes things worse but sometimes you have to just get through the nights the best you can.  I try and limit myself to 5 maybe 6 cans if possible , because too much does make me a bit morose.  My wife has just told me if she's spoken to her solicitor and she's going to buy me out as that's the only way she can stop me coming around to OUR house .I'm not very happy to say the least  . Looking like checkmate now . 

Sorry to hear the mate, hope it works out for you however it goes. 

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3 minutes ago, Bjornebye said:

I wont touch anti-depressants mate after a bad time with them a few years ago. I've thought about cbd oil but don't know where to start. 

Fair enough but I wouldn't write them all off, some work for some people while others meds work for others, it's not an exact science by a long way. 

 

But, finding the right ones can help you get your head settled long enough to be able to start dealing with things.

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