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TLW Diary (October 2015)

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Oct 1: L 1 Sion 1 Shite that. Yeah we should have won and we had the chances to do it, but that was a terrible team we played tonight and once again we failed to beat them despite taking an early lead. Rodgers spoke afterwards about how we’re “rebuilding”. Sorry, but you’re in year four now, if it’s a “rebuild” it’s because you’ve fucked up the previous three years worth of signings. You can't be pulling that shit on us, it's like GH wanting to start a new "five year plan" in year five.

 

Oct 2: Former Everton full back Michael Ball says “I wouldn't have one LFC player in Everton’s team”. Of course you wouldn’t, you shite sad bitter little bastard. Just like you wouldn’t wear those Predator boots because they had a little bit of red on them, you pathetic loser.

 

  Staying with the Blues, and Martinez insists we should be favourites for the derby, despite us sucking monkey balls all season and being below them in the table. Not to mention they have home advantage. Can't blame him though, I think a mate of mine summed it up best when he said our best chance of winning this one is that "any time they go into a derby with their dicks swinging they bottle it". They love being underdogs and don’t know how to deal with expectation. Remember when Stevie got sent off and their fans celebrated like it was a goal, only for their players to completely panic and lose 3-1? No wonder Martinez wants no part of the 'favourites' tag.

 

  In other news today, saw this in the Echo… “Teixeira: Heart to heart with Rodgers reassured me I will get opportunities at LFC”. Hey Joao, wanna buy some magic beans lad? He didn’t even get named in the 25 man Europa League squad and didn’t make the bench in the Capital One Cup against a League Two side at Anfield, so what chance does he have of getting any games?

 

Oct 3: Put the radio on in the car and there was a caller from Yorkshire talking about how he was taking his lad to Stamford Bridge for the first time. His kid’s a Chelsea fan, and the presenters naturally asked the fella if he was too. “I was a Leeds fan, but my son has converted me now and I follow Chelsea” he answered. Wait, what??? His son "converted" him? And would he have converted him if Chelsea hadn’t been winning leagues and European Cups, and if Leeds hadn’t totally imploded? Fucking piece of filth, there’s nothing worse in my eyes than anyone over the age of 10 switching teams.

 

  It happens far more than any of us realise though. My mate Julian lives in Mansfield and he was telling me how the local Sports Direct now stocks Man City shirts as well as Chelsea and the more traditionally well supported big clubs. Hardly a surprise, I’m sure it’s the same all over the country now that City are successful, but his point was that they stock them in adult sizes as well as kids. I’d never thought about it before, but he makes a great point: Just who the fuck is buying an adult Man City shirt? Cunts. That’s who. There’s a special place in hell reserved for anyone who changes teams like that. Fucking grown men suddenly deciding to support another team just because they’re successful? The fucking worst of the worst.

 

  Speaking of the worst of the worst, Mourinho has a meltdown live on Sky after Chelsea were turned over by Southampton. This is great, he might actually get the sack soon the way he’s going.

 

Oct 4: Brendan has beaten him to it though, given his marching orders after a fairly dismal derby at Goodison today. Not that this result had anything to do with it, his fate had been settled weeks ago. You know what's pretty funny though? The Blues didn't even get the satisfaction of claiming they got him the sack. This team was virtually on it's death bed and all they had to do was pull the plug on life support, but they couldn’t even do that the absolute bunch of losers.

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Oct 5: Ancelotti and Klopp are the two names everyone is talking about now, and despite all our jokes about Eddie Howe and Garry Monk etc, it does genuinely look like FSG mean business this time. Let’s face it, why would you sack Rodgers now if you weren’t going to get someone that’s proven quality? I’m quite excited here, which is never a good thing as usually ends in disappointment all round. Just ask my wife….

 

Oct 6: Sakho says he was like "a caged lion" when he wasn’t playing....

 

*dusts off the old Borini / lion photos*

 

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  Meanwhile, over on twitter, former Tranmere & Forest full back Alan Rogers, who’s a massive Red, put out the greatest tweet seen since my boy Jason Puncheon called Neil Warnock out for taking bribes from players. Someone asked him how he felt as a player when his manager was sacked, and he replied: “Hated it. Apart from (Gary) Megson when I threw the most expensive party ever. The red headed cunt”. Oh how I wish all players tweeted like that.

 

Oct 7: Cafu says Jon Flanagan can be the best full back in the world. He’s been smoking the same crack as Pele I think. Look, I love Flanno as much as the next guy, but best in the world? We don’t even know if he’s going to be as good as he was before his injury, let alone anything else.

 

Oct 8: It’s happening. Kinell, Klopp is gonna be our new manager. Fucking hell.

 

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Oct 9: Fair to say that Klopp’s press conference has done nothing to quell the mass high-steria sweeping our fan base. In fact, he’s merely added to it as he knocked the fucker out of the park. Everything he said merely increased the hype and expectation, he’s got everyone eating out the palm of his hand. I’m trying to keep a lid on my own excitement because these things always end in tears for us, but it's not easy as he’s the fucking man isn’t he? Absolutely can’t wait for the Spurs game now.

 

  Meanwhile, Wenger hits out at Liverpool for their “irrational” sacking of Rodgers. You know, I always moan about Arsenal fans (specifically the overseas ones) for constantly mouthing off on twitter about shit that doesn’t concern them. They’re proper busy bastards, but I’m beginning to understand why. Most of them (especially in the US) are relatively “new” fans and have got on board since the TV stations in their country started showing the Premier League, so many overseas Arsenal fans haven’t known anything other than Wenger. He’s a fucking bad gossip, constantly sticking his nose into affairs that don’t concern him, so it any wonder their fans are the same?

 

Oct 10: Klopp was at the Academy to watch the 18s play this morning. He was stood up on the balcony with a starstruck looking Alex Inglethorpe, who looked to be hanging on the German’s every word. Couldn’t help but wonder how Brendan must be feeling if he was watching that, as Inglethorpe is his boy, they did their badges together. He probably feels exactly how poor old Pascoe did every time he saw Rodgers with O’Driscoll actually.

 

 

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  Elsewhere today, DJ Spoony has got under the skin of United fans after playing YNWA at Old Trafford at the Rugby League Grand Final today. Outstanding work that, they’re seething about it. He’s a good egg is Spoony. I met him once, he massaged my shoulders at the Britannia Stadium and settled me down after I completely lost my shit at something that cunt Jon Walters did. He was in the seat behind me and talked me off the ledge, so to speak. Fucking Walters, always landing me in bother.

 

Oct 11: Oh fuck off. We’re actually being linked with Robert Lewandowski. The guy has scored 24 goals in his last three games or something, he’s the hottest property in world football right now, playing for one of the richest teams on the planet and if they were stupid enough to sell him, which they aren’t, he’d be coveted by everybody. Whoever came up with this rumour really needs to up their bullshit game. At least try and make it semi believable. Personally if I was in the bullshit rumour game I’d have gone with “the Reus” just to see if I could break twitter.

 

  This shit always happens when a club gets a new manager who has been successful elsewhere. Ged was going to sign Zidane and Lizarazu because he knew them from France. We ended up with Cheyrou and fucking Vignal. When Rafa came in we were continually being linked with Aimar, Baraja and Vicente. He was going to “raid” Valencia apparently. Who did he get? Momo and Pellegrino, that’s who. Klopp isn’t going to go out and cherry pick the best of his former Dortmund players, but we might get one or two who aren’t getting a game, like Subtonic for example. Just as long as it's not that snail Nuri Sahin.

 

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Oct 12: Djibs has been nicked on suspicion of trying to blackmail Mathieu Valbuena after getting his hands on a porno the diminutive winger was in. I literally have no words for this, other than it’s one of the most awesome things I’ve ever read. I considered googling for an appropriate caption here, but erred on the side of caution, which I'm sure you'll agree was for the best.

 

Oct 13: Fat Sam has a book out, and unsurprisingly he has had a pop at Rafa. "Of course he [benitez] can say he won the Champions League with Liverpool, which is something I never did. But it was nowt to do with him. Steven Gerrard took that final by the scruff of the neck and dragged Liverpool back from 3-0 down against AC Milan to eventually win on penalties. I don’t blame Benitez for claiming credit – but as managers we know the truth.”

 

See, this pisses me off. I agree that the final itself had little to do with Benitez and an awful lot to do with Gerrard (and others), and I’d also add that Rafa basically blew the final in Athens two years later with his team selection. But it’s not as though we were just given a bye all the way to these finals. We had to work fucking hard to get there, and Rafa’s almost unparalleled ability to win games over two legs against superior opposition was the biggest factor in us reaching those finals. “Nowt to do with it” indeed. Mashed potato faced ballbag.

 

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He is a proper deluded bastard though isn’t he? Just have a read of this: “Here was a trendy foreign manager with all his smart ideas getting beat by some oik from the Midlands. Benitez wouldn’t talk to me at all and that just made it all the better when we won. He didn’t like me and he thought he was superior”. That’s because he was, is, always will be superior! Real Madrid… Sunderland. It’s funny how he talks as though he had the Indian sign over us. His record against Benitez is actually shite.

 

“I put his comments on the wall of the changing room [at Bolton] but Ivan Campo and Jay-Jay Okocha said, ‘We don’t need those, gaffer, we’ll beat him anyway.’ Ivan Campo eh? There’s a blast from the past. I remember my mate pulled some bird in the Crazy House back in the day, and being the loyal wingman I am, I got lumbered with her mate, an Italian girl who was a dead ringer for Campo. We all ended up back at their flat but she fell straight asleep on the couch as soon as we got there so I just left my mate upstairs doing his thing and I walked back into town, which was about an hour away.

 

On that walk back I had time to reflect on what a lucky escape I'd had. There’s nothing worse than pulling birds who look like footballers, especially ugly ones. Another of my mates once pulled some girl who he unashamedly informed us looked like “a fat Ray Parlour”. Could have been worse, she could have looked like Allardyce. *shudders*

 

Incidentally, the same mate (who shall remain nameless) also pulled some bird who he said looked like Noddy Holder. He kept shouting "IT'S CHRISTMAAAAASSSS" at her he reckons.

 

Oct 14: Joe Gomez is done for the year after doing his cruciate playing for England. This is bad. We’re short on full back cover anyway, even with Gomez, plus it leaves us really short handed in the Europa too. It’s really bad for the kid too, who now won’t get to work with Klopp and show him what he’s capable of for around nine months. The poor bastard. Fucking England.

 

  In other news today, Klopp’s assistant Zeljko Buvac, known as ‘the Brain’, checks in at Melwood. He should be known as ‘the hair’, because he’s got a wonderful mane, truly outstanding. It’s what mine would look like if I used ‘Just for Men’, THAT’S how highly I rate it.

 

  Motormouth Harry Redknapp says Ancelotti was our first choice and Klopp only got it because the Italian didn’t want it. We’ll never know what really happened, but even if what he’s said is true, look at it this way: we’ve gone from being turned down by Martinez and hiring Rodgers to being snubbed by Carlo and hiring Kloppo. That’s what you call progress.

 

Oct 15: OH NO! Not Danny Ings?? SAY IT AIN’T SO!!! I’m proper gutted about this one, He’s probably my favourite player and one of the few I have any genuine affection for. He’s been just about the only thing I’ve enjoyed from watching us this season, and now, just like that he’s out. It will probably end his Liverpool career too. Even if he comes back at 100% (not always the case) others will have either established themselves in the team, or Klopp will have replaced them with players more suitable. Ings will find it hard to get a look in, especially if Klopp goes with one up front. This is just horrible for the lad. I think we need to find a way to somehow pin this on Hodgson, the twat.

 

  Also today, Rafa hits back at Allardyce, saying ““Do you know who Sam Allardyce is? Do you know how many trophies he has won?” His opinion does not have a lot of value”. He didn’t even need to respond at all because Allardyce’s comments were so utterly ludicrous, but the whole ‘how many trophies has he won’ thing is the wrong way to go about it. It’s the kind of shite Mourinho regularly comes out with. Let other people make that argument for you, you don’t need to do it yourself.

 

In fairness to Allardyce (and I hate saying that), what trophies exactly was he supposed to win when managing Bolton, Newcastle, West Ham etc? The job he did at Bolton and West Ham was pretty damn good (I also really enjoyed what he did at Newcastle, although obviously the Geordies didn’t!), in fact you could easily argue it was more of an achievement than Mourinho or Pellegrini winning the league with Chelsea and City. You know what Rafa should have done when asked about Allardyce? This….

 

 

Still, Rafa can’t hold a candle to his Anfield predecessor when it comes to feuding. GH and David Ginola are STILL going at it after all these years. Daveeeeed rang up a French radio station yesterday after he’d heard GH slagging him off again over that incident that led to France not qualifying for the 1994 World Cup. It’s 21 years ago, you pair of dicks. Go and have a glass of wine and a croissant in a nice little Parisian cafe and bury the fucking hatchet as you’re both too old for this shit, especially you Gerard.

 

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Also today, Rodgers might be going into punditry to work with…. Richard fucking Keyes. Bloody hell Brendan, really? One minute you’re managing the Reds, the next you’re sat in a studio with that fucking hairy bastard throwing “bantz” everywhere. Quite the fall from grace.

 

Oct 16: Mourinho has his knickers in a knot about the FA continually slapping charges and fines on him, especially because Wenger was allowed to call Mike Dean 'weak and naive'. "I can't say anything because the next time I speak, seriously a stadium ban, then after that, an electronic tag." And after that, the electric chair maybe? SPEAK JOSE! DO IT! SPEAK!!

 

  Meanwhile England have broken another of our players. Rossiter has a hammy after playing three full games in five days for England under 19s. Three games in five days??? What the fuck is this, 1980? No-one does that anymore, and interestingly he was the only player in the squad asked to play every minute of every game. Outrageous that. It’s also outrageous that the FA don’t pay the wages of the players they don’t look after unless they are with the senior team. Not really an issue with Rossiter, but we’ll have to pay Gomez nine months wages when he can’t play for us. That's just not right.

 

Oct 17: Spurs 0 L 0 Not bad. Not good either, but it’ll do to start with, especially with the crippling injury list we’ve got. Klopp says they decided not to risk Sturridge. Far more likely he cried off, as he tends to do any time he’s not 100%. I know every player is different, but in the same situation can anyone see Suarez sitting this one out? If Sturridge had played we’d have probably won this one, but we can’t count on him and it would have served him right if Origi had knocked in a hat-trick today and kept his place. Yeah I know, I know.

 

The pressing was very good and we were the first team to run more than Spurs this season, so that will no doubt have pleased Klopp.

 

  In other news today, Howard Kendall passed away. I spent some time with him once, it was at a Sportsman’s dinner. There were a few ex reds there (Cally, Big Ron and Brian Hall) but me and a mate spent a lot more time with the Blues, including Kendall and John Bailey. They were great company, really funny and good to be around. Kendall was constantly making jokes at his own expense. He’s off to that big alehouse in the sky, where no doubt there was a fresh, cold pint waiting for him. Rest in Peace Howie lad.

 

Oct 18: Klopp has banned WAGS from Melwood. In other, entirely unrelated news, Jose Enrique hasn’t been training with the squad as he’s "injured" again.

 

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Oct 19: Mourinho joins Wenger in condemning the sacking of Rodgers. Sound. Let Pellegrini and Van Gaal have a pop too. This isn’t about solidarity with Brendan, you can almost smell the fear on the fuckers. Nice to at least be relevant again isn't it?

 

Oct 20: Aidy Ward crawls out of whatever hole he’s been hiding in and pipes up about how Raheem would have loved to have played for Klopp and that it’s Rodgers’ fault he left. Nothing to do with City offering him double what FSG were prepared to pay (not a criticism of them, £100k a week was as high as they should have gone) as well as a title challenge and Champions League footy. What a joke this is, Sterling scores a hat-trick and this fat fuck resurfaces to run his mouth. Ward says “half the players would say he’s a good coach but is not a good manager”. Yeah, the half who aren’t in the fucking team no doubt. Rodgers is a far netter manager than Ward is an agent, and he also cared more about the best interests of Raheem too. 

 

  Meanwhile, another day another bullshit Dortmund link. Reus this time. Surprised it took so long. Thankfully no-one with any credibility ran with it as twitter would have hit DEFCON 1.

 

Also today, another Mourinho ref rant. They drew 0-0 and he was asked about the result and his team’s performance. “The referee was weak and naive” he replied before going on about the official for the duration of the interview, while saying nothing about his teams performance. Maybe UEFA need to slap a 50k fine and stadium ban on his crying arse too?

 

Oct 21: Gundogan today. Getting ridiculous now. Some websites ran headlines along the lines of “Gundogan opens up on Liverpool move”. Actual story? Gundogan basically says “yeah I keep hearing people mentioning that but I’m happy at Dortmund and see myself staying here”. There really should be some kind of guidelines put in place to stop all these misleading headlines and bullshit stories. I waste at least half an hour a day reading this shit.

 

Oct 22: L 1 Rubin Kazan 1 What is it with all these 1-1 draws? They're getting on my tits now. Every Europa game has ended in that score even though the teams we're playing are complete turds. This was really frustrating, we should have won it based on chances created and the fact they played the entire second half with ten men, but in fairness we played for a lot of the game with ten men too until Origi was finally replaced. 

 

We looked much better when Benteke came on and had he been a bit sharper he may have had a hat-trick. It was amazing how we suddenly became a goal threat when he stepped onto the pitch. Basic things he does and Origi doesn't, make such a difference. Look at Benteke when the ball is out wide and compare it to Origi. The young lad doesn't seem to have any strikers instincts at all. He's got ability on the ball and pace, but he doesn't make the right runs in the box and doesn't take up good positions. That can be coached though, so all is not lost.

 

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Oct 23: Aaaaaand yet another Dortmund player linked. This time? Nuri fucking Sahin. C’mon man! I'd rather bring back Karl Heinz Riedle.

 

Oct 24: The Chelsea comedy roadshow hit Upton Park today. Just hilarious stuff. They lost, they had a goal wrongly ruled out for offside, they had Matic sent off, they had Mourinho sent to the stands, Zouma was literally within an inch of a goal and Jose was so pissed off afterwards he refused to do any interviews. This is great, I wish they could play every day as I’ll never tire of this, it’s just brilliant.

 

  In other news, Jamie Vardy scored again today and the next thing we’re being linked with him. I was actually leaning towards “fuck it, let’s sign him, at least he's not a massive shithouse like Sturridge” and then I discovered he’s 29 in a couple of months. Who knew? It’s not just me that was completely shocked by it surely? I thought he was 23 or 24. He’s a bit of a knob, but it’s still a great story, and when you see him play you can actually tell that he’s had to come up the hard way. There’s an Ian Wright-like determination and attitude about his play.

 

Oct 25: L 1 Southampton 1 Aaaaaaaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! How frustrating was that? We just can’t hold onto a lead anymore and from the second we scored I think everyone in the stadium knew an equaliser was coming. If we hadn’t scored we wouldn’t have conceded either. Hell of a header from the big fella though.

 

Oct 26: I heard on the radio today that Manchester has been voted as one of the world’s top ten cities to visit. Say what now??? Voted by who, Bez from the Happy Mondays and Gary fucking Neville?

 

Oct 27: Weird goings on at Anfield today, where a fella went on the club tour and then didn’t come out again, causing the police to close the stadium and organise a full on search. Apparently they found him stood on the touchline in a trendy jacket, scribbling on a little note pad and muttering about “outstanding” and “character”. Ok ok I jest, and it’s not really a joking matter if a fella really has gone missing. I mean if it was at Goodison it would be different, I could have cracked a gag about him hiding in the trophy room, or ‘the room’ as it’s known these days.

 

Wait, what’s this now? Benteke injured again? Oh just fuck off, I’m not sure how much more Divock Ngog I can take before I spew it and stop watching altogether. On the plus side Chelsea and Arsenal both got knocked out the cup tonight.

 

Oct 28: L 1 Bournemouth 0. Happy with that, especially given the striker situation. Lot of good things on show but the main thing is we're in the next round, unlike the Mancs who lost on pens to Boro. It's opened right up for us now, there's only City left who worry me, although Southampton away isn't going to be easy.

 

Oct 29: Klopp says Benteke will be fine for Saturday, which is a huge relief but also highlights just what a precarious situation we're in. I totally blame Sturridge for this, I suspect Klopp probably does too as he must be sick of getting asked about him, especially when he has to keep saying "it's not serious".

 

  He'll still be saying that in a fortnight I reckon, especially as a journo in the midlands is putting it out there that Sturridge thinks he needs a month off. He's diagnosing himself now then I take it? Yeah, he probably knows far more about it than the trained qualified professionals the club employs to diagnose these things. It's pretty clear the journo got that from someone connected to Sturridge, probably his uncle.

 

Oct 30: Klopp is asked about Sturridge's availability for tomorrow and just burst out laughing before sarcastically saying "ah, the Daily Daniel. No there's no change". Yep, he's defo bored shitless by this now and who can blame him. A fucking bruise has kept him out of training for two weeks. A bruise!!

  

  Meanwhile, Van Gaal is quizzed about criticism of his methods from Paul Scholes on TV. "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me" he replied. I love that guy, he's fucking brilliant.

 

Oct 31: Chelsea 1 L 3 Fucking have some of that!! Great stuff from our lads, even if Chelsea clearly are a stinking hot mess right now. Mourinho has become a complete parody of himself now, everyone thinks a knob and it felt like the journos were actually taking the piss out of him in his press conference. It's like he's trying to get sacked now, because he can't be stupid enough to think that the way he's carrying on is going to help the situation? Then again, he's never been in this situation before so doesn't know to act, like if Moyes or Fat Sam ever won a trophy.

 

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Oct 9 [2015]: Fair to say that Klopp’s press conference has done nothing to quell the mass high-steria sweeping our fan base. In fact, he’s merely added to it as he knocked the fucker out of the park. Everything he said merely increased the hype and expectation, he’s got everyone eating out the palm of his hand. I’m trying to keep a lid on my own excitement because these things always end in tears for us, but it's not easy as he’s the fucking man isn’t he? Absolutely can’t wait for the Spurs game now.

Heh. About playing Spurs...

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