That was the week that was (May 12-18 2020)

Tuesday May 12:

I saw this today and it pissed me right off. John Barnes told a story about swapping shirts with Cantona after the 96 FA Cup Final and that Neil Ruddock nicked it and years later sold it for nine grand after he fell on hard times. The first Barnes knew about it was when Ruddock was boasting about it at an after dinner engagement they were both at. Yeah, really impressive that, ‘Razor’. Where’s that nine grand now? Shared out three ways between your local bookies, bailiffs and Wetherspoons no doubt. Big fat ‘pass the pound’ playing, boozed up couch potato prick. 

In other pissing me off news today, Laurie Sanchez says Liverpool would be ‘champions with an asterisk forever’ if they are awarded the title. Funny that, as this cunt should have an asterisk next to his name too. The explanation for the asterisk would be “utterly irrelevant skid mark whose one claim to fame was a ball brushing off his head in an FA Cup Final”. This fucker should be kissing LFC’s hairy beanbag as without the Reds he’d be nothing.

This is what he said. “It is ironic that Klopp was the manager pushing more than anyone else for a winter break and since they had that interruption in the season, Liverpool lost all their momentum and the dip in form and the time taken out of the season means they could have won the league by now if they didn't have that break.

Dip in form! We lost one game, you soft cunt. Played 29. Won 27. Lost 1. Drawn 1. The draw was back in October or something, so what the fuck is he talking about? He was part of the ‘Crazy’ gang I suppose. Seems he’s also part of the ‘thick as pigshit’ gang too. What a tit.

Wednesday May 13:

We keep getting linked with Koulibaly. Not sure why, as there’s no way we’re paying big money for another centre back. Yes, we’re probably going to lose one of ‘the best in the world’ when Lovren departs but that doesn’t mean we can go out and replace him ‘like for like’ with Koulibaly.

For one thing I can’t see us spending big in this climate, but even if we had the money it wouldn’t make sense because we’ve got Gomez and signing someone who is so good that he’d have to play would probably end up seeing Joe move away, and no-one wants that because he could become one of the all time greats.

If we did sign Koulibaly though it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the league. We’re already 25 points clear so imagine how many we’d be winning by if nobody could score against us ever.

Another player who we won’t be signing but we keep being linked with is Jadon Sancho. Owen Hargreaves said today that Sancho would walk into any side in the world, including ours and City. I’m not saying he’s wrong because I’ve barely seen anything of Sancho.

What I would say though is it’s easy to make outlandish claims like that, but any time someone does they should immediately be made to say who would make way. Is Sancho getting in ahead of Mané, a player in his prime and who was a strong contender for world player of the year? Messi actually endorsed him for that honour if I remember rightly. 

Salah then? Again, that’s a bold statement. As for City, well he might get in ahead of Mahrez I suppose but let’s not forget that Mahrez is only playing because Sane got injured. And Sane is fucking brilliant.

You know what else is fucking brilliant? Djibril Cisse wants to come out of retirement to play in Ligue 1 because he didn’t reach 100 goals and can’t live with it.

"I have always said that passing the 100-goal mark was something very important to me. Being four goals away bothers me. If it doesn't happen, at least I would have tried and I could close the book of 100 goals, but until I try everything, I won't be at peace."

Cisse added: "You have to see this as a bet, as an additional player in the workforce and not as an element that can play 90 minutes. Even I can't lie to myself to that extent, but I can still contribute."

Fucking hell, just imagine. He was a shoot on sight merchant anyway but now it’d just be ridiculous. Remember that front cover of the fanzine when Rafa was giving Cisse tactical instructions and the caption said “Opposition half. Shoot. Got it”. If he comes back now in a desperate search for four goals he would literally be shooting from anywhere. I hope it happens.

Thursday May 14:

Time for your weekly Steve Nicol update. Today he’s arguing with Vincent Kompany over whether Big Virg is the best defender in Premier League history. Kompany said recently that Van Dijk is the best, but Nicol isn’t having it, fuelling negative headlines and adding to the “old man yelling at cloud” reputation.

“He right now, no question, is the top centre-back in world football, never mind just in the Premier League. It’s a short space at the very top with Liverpool, two seasons, so I’m not quite ready to say he’s the best one ever. He’s certainly up there in the argument but just a little early for me to be throwing that sort of accolade around.”

I think he’s right. If he keeps this up then Virg will go down as the best but two years isn’t a big enough sample size to put him ahead of the likes of Ferdinand, Adams and Terry. He’s a better player than all of them, but longevity surely has to be a factor in these things too. It’s why Suarez wouldn’t get into my best ever Liverpool eleven because he wasn’t here long enough.

Noel Gallagher was on talk sport today and was asked if he is missing footy. "As Liverpool are 25 points clear, not a great deal. I think it should have been voided weeks ago. Just give them the trophy, they’ve won it anyway. The cynic in me think if it wasn’t Liverpool going for the title, if it was City or Chelsea, it would have been voided already.

“I don’t think anybody should go up or go down [in the Championship and PL]. They should be looking towards next season now. If they try and finish this season then the next few seasons are going to be chaos.”

What a fucking tool. I don’t know why he’s always being asked about footy anyway. What are his credentials? How come any time he comes out with some bollocks it’s reported in the media as though a credible football person has said it? He’s no different to the loons on Bluemoon or any other football fan, so how come his comments are always so widely reported?

Why is he being asked about footy anyway? Shouldn’t he be grilled about why he hasn’t made a decent song since the 90s? Or maybe ask him about the mess his Tory mates are making of this pandemic. Or why he can never have a decent haircut. Cunt.

Friday May 15:

I’m not in favour of anything other than completing the games and finishing the season as ‘legitimately’ as possible. Without crowds or home advantage obviously it’s not going to be exactly as it would have been before, but thats the best way to do it.

However, if it was decided on points per game then both Villa and West Ham will go down, so if it comes to that then every cloud and that I guess. West Ham deserve to go down more than anyone after the shithouse way they’ve been acting since this all kicked off.

Also today, Paul Scholes makes headlines after saying that Gerrard and Lampard were both better than him. Great insight there, Captain Obvious. How is this news? This is like Tim Henman saying "yeah I wasn't as good as Pete Sampras or Andre Agassi". Then again, maybe not, as Henman doesn't have a bunch of weirdo hipster fanboys telling everyone that he was the best and that anyone who can't see it just doesn't know the nuances of the game.

In other news, my boy Troy has been speaking out against the return of footy. I don't agree with his overall stance on it, but one point he made which I hadn't thought about was what would happen if it started again only for a second wave to cause it to be shut down completely:

"Let's say Villa won two games and us and West Ham dropped into the relegation zone. Do you stop the season andf base it on that? It doesn't make any sense."

Yeah I don't think that's fair either, especially if the two games were played on neutral grounds, but I don't really have an answer for that other than what I've been saying since the beginning. Eventually football will return, so when it does, whenever that may be, this season needs to be finished before a new one starts. If you stick to that then you avoid all of these issues about various things not being fair.

Saturday May 16:

So this was great. Apparently the managers had a group video call and it was mostly Mourinho saying how desperate he is to get footy back and how there were so many businesses who rely on footy and that they have a duty to them. There was some pushback from some other managers and he said “If you don’t want to play, stay at home and watch the Bundesliga”. Go ed lad, you fucking tell ‘em. Bet Moyes is one who doesn’t want to play.

Nigel Pearson is another. He’s on record saying that ‘people are closing their eyes to the threat’ and ‘God forbid we have a fatality’. If his team were mid table he’d be singing a completely different tune. He’d be out there bare chested threatening to kill this virus with his bare hands, but the threat of relegation looms large with a lot of these cunts.

Meanwhile, footy was back today. In Germany anyway. I decided to watch the Dortmund game, more out of curiosity than anything else. I can’t say I was especially interested but I did wonder what games would be like in front of no fans. Within ten minutes I was bored. Games in front of no fans aren’t actually that weird at all, they just look like reserve games only with the senior players.

I checked in and out of this game and Dortmund’s goals were quality. Haaland is brilliant isn’t he? I thought he was dangerous when we played Salzburg, but because Austria is an inferior league there were doubts about him. Now I think height be someone who breaks all kinds of goalscoring records, as he’s fucking lethal and seems to be able to score all sorts of goals.

I don’t see us ever being in for him though so hopefully he ends up at Real Madrid or Barca or Juve and doesn’t fucking rock up with his ugly grid in Manchester.

Also in Germany today, Marco Grujik was involved in a controversy as one of his team-mates apparently kissed him during the game. Boyata says he was 'just explaining a set-piece'. Ok mate whatever. Cheating partners all over the world will be using that one any time they're caught kissing someone they shouldn't be.

Sunday May 17:

Sky and BT are planning on having cameras in the dressing room when footy comes back. I just can’t see Klopp going for that and if he’s forced into it, I reckon he’ll just drop so many F-Bombs that they won’t be able to show any of it. Much as I like the idea of seeing what happens behind the scenes, the presence of cameras means we wouldn’t get a true picture of it anyway as everyone would be aware of it and act accordingly.

For example, with no cameras you might get Hendo telling Van Dijk “watch yourself with that ugly cunt Kane, he’ll dive if you so much as breathe on him”. With cameras there, totally different discussion. 

Meanwhile, I saw these quotes from Chiellini today about Ramos. 

"He makes interventions beyond any logic, even with injuries that he causes with almost diabolical cunning. Salah’s was a masterstroke. He always said that he didn’t mean to injure him, but he was aware that falling that way and without letting go of his grip, nine times out of 10 you can break your rival’s arm".

Nothing there that most of us didn't already know, but I'm glad someone said it and even more glad that it was said in an admiring way rather than just someone hammering him for it. Whenever anyone criticises Ramos for being a twat and for hurting Mo on purpose, his acolytes rush to his defence wth accusations of bitterness, jealousy and how "Ramos is a winner". Strangely though, they never acknowledge that he knew what he was doing to Mo and trot out the 'always the victims' mantra.

So for one of Ramos' peers to break it down like that, it probably carries more weight. As Chiellini says, he knew exactly what he was doing. It's just a shame we never got to play Madrid last season as it would have been to tear them a new one and for Mo to have his revenge. We may get that chance in the future, but by then Ramos is going to be over the hill and it's not going to be as sweet as it would have been.

Monday May 18:

Saw an interview with Luke Chadwick on BBC today. I’d never have recognised him as he’s grown into his face and looks normal these days. He's shaved his head and has a beard, and I think he’s had his teeth done. Anyway, he was talking about how cruel the piss taking was when he was playing for United and how everyone ripped him because of his looks.

I’ll be honest, I felt bad. I said a lot of unkind things about him back in the day and yeah, I felt a bit guilty as I watched him this morning. He shouldn't have had to endure all that as he was just a young lad and hadn't done anyone any harm. The worst thing for him was that 'They Think It's All Over" was massive back then and they ripped him every week. It was hard to have sympathy for him when he was talking about it.

It got me thinking about Harry Kane and the constant jibes I’ve been throwing his way though. Should I not be doing that? Will I feel guilty about it in years to come if Kane ever gives a heartfelt interview speaking about al the hurtful things said about him and his massive chin? After deliberating on it for a few seconds I decided that no, I won’t feel bad about it because unlike poor, inoffensive Luke Chadwick, Kane deserves every little bit of abuse he gets because he’s a twat. 

And him sponsoring Leyton Orient to help out three charities doesn’t change that. I’ll give him credit for it, it’s a great gesture and it shows he does at least have some redeeming qualities, but what can I say, I hate him. It is what it is. He deserves the shit he gets because he's a fucking dick.

Luke Chadwick didn’t deserve it though. His only crime was being born ugly and being a good enough footballer to play for Man United when they were top dogs. 

Meanwhile, Pedro Chirivella has been offered a FIVE year contract to stay here. FIVE YEARS! I can't get my head around this one. He’s reportedly undecided and there’s talk he might go to Rangers. This is tough for him as he must be tempted to stay, especially as being offered a five year deal shows that Klopp must think highly of him. 

He shouldn’t sign it though because he’s not going to play. It’s not a knock on him, but he’s behind Fabinho, Hendo and Gini in the pecking order for the holding role and much as I like him as a player, he's never overtaking them. I almost feel as though Klopp is doing him a disservice even offering him this deal, as it’s false hope. It's like Kev Stewart all over again. Actually maybe that's it, maybe there's a boss player in the Championship who Klopp is going to swap for Pedro. 

I can relate to it though. No doubt like many of you reading this, I’ve welcomed Football Manager back into my life during this lockdown and I found myself in a similar situation to Kloppo recently. I took Portsmouth from League Two into the Premier League and this week I finally clinched the title. 

The journey took ten years, and none of my original squad made it all the way (I did make one of them my assistant manager though, I like to reward loyalty). There is one player though, I signed him from Rangers when he was 16 and now he’s 24. He was great in the Championship and when I was mid-table in the top flight, but then I signed better players and he wasn’t first choice anymore.

I tried to move him on but he didn’t want to leave and I felt bad. Then when his contract ran out, I inexplicably gave him a new one. 60k a week he asked for and out of sentiment I gave it to him. Now my squad is so deep he can’t even make my bench for League Cup games against lower league sides, but no-one will take him because he’s on 60k a week.

Don’t do it, Jurgen, you’ll end up kicking yourself and resenting poor little Pedro.

…..and that was the week that was