Saturday Jul 27:
Arsenal are paying £70m for a winger. That’s the most Arsenal transfer move of all time. Everyone knows they have no defenders worthy of the name and that their midfield is shite, but as usual they just disregard that to get some random French speaking flair player in. They can’t blame Wenger anymore either.
What this does do though, is leave Wilf Zaha hanging in the wind. Arsenal looked to be his best hope of joining a top six club. Now the only team in for him is Everton, and they’re not even serious about it based on the derisory offers they’ve made so far. £50m is the latest one. So let’s get this straight. Palace sell their right back for £50m, and Everton think they can get their most important player and fan favourite for the same price? Whatever Zaha’s worth is, you can probably add another £30m on top of that to get what his worth to Palace is.
Besides, why the fuck would Zaha leave Palace to join Everton? It’s a sideways move and he’d be leaving a place where he’s happy, comfortable and loved. I think he’ll stay at Palace….
…until Chelsea are allowed to sign players again.
Harvey Elliot has no officially signed and will be in the squad tomorrow. Saw another old tweet of his from a few years ago, he’s dressed head to toe in club swag and he’s stood next to the Shankly statue. Apparently every single tweet he ever made back then was about the Reds. I like this kid, he’s absolutely fucking obsessed with this club.
Had to laugh though when I saw this quote from him. “To have joined the club I supported as a boy is a dream come true”. As a boy? He’s only fucking sixteen now! He’s scrapped that original account and started a new one. Just had a look now and his twitter header is a picture of him and his girlfriend. It’s funny as fuck, he looks like an East 17 tribute act.
In fact no, it's like East 17 have had kids and the kids have formed a new band and he's the frontman. Seriously, look at this pic and tell me that isn’t Brian Harvey and Daniella Westbrook’s kid….
Stay now (stay now).... Baby if you've got to go away, don't think I can take the pain.... won't you stay another day.
Sunday Jul 28:
L 0 Napoli 3. Well that was fucking shit. Most of pre-season has been fucking shit actually. I’m not worried at this point and I don’t think it means anything in terms of the season itself, but fuck me, it’s been a chore even bringing myself to watch these games. I watched this as it was at a civilised hour, unlike the US tour games. I really wish I hadn’t though, as there was nothing to take from this at all.
In fairness, I almost swerved it when I saw that Gini and Ox were in the front three. That was never going to end well. Ox is almost as useless in the front three as Lallana is. He’s a midfield player, simple as that. Don’t play him anywhere else as he’s shite. Wilson would have been a better option, but then you have to take into account that it’s pre-season and it’s all about fitness. Ox getting a load of minutes under his belt is far more beneficial than the shape of the team looking marginally better because Wilson is in there.
That’s what this is about. Klopp is trying to get his main players as fit as possible, and if it means results suffer then so be it. There are also suggestions that players are doing double sessions on the day of games. That might be exaggerated but the legs are definitely heavy in these games and it’s going to have a negative impact.
Really, the sensible thing is to just not watch these games at all. My mate John never watches them. Not even a minute of them. Just avoids them entirely and then checks back in when the real stuff starts again. I need to pay attention as it’s my job, but if it wasn’t and I could get away with paying no attention then I think I’d take that route. Especially when there are no new signings to watch.
We did see young Harvey for a few minutes today and he looked good. Lots of confidence and swagger about him. He’s going to be a player I think.
Meanwhile, strange goings on in Madrid where Real have now pulled the plug on Bale’s move to China. I’d be seething if I was him. They’ve been trying to force him out ever since Zidane came back and now that he’s lined himself up a move for crazy wages, they pull the rug out on him as they want a higher transfer fee.
Bale is reportedly on 600k at Madrid though (I had no idea, I thought he was on half that). No-one else in Europe is giving him that, and he’s not going to take a pay cut so Madrid are going to be on the hook for some of that salary no matter what. If I was him now, I’d just refuse all offers and stay put, just to spite the fuckers.
Besides, they’re going to be shite under that bald fraud so it won’t be long until he’s back in the team. Yeah that’s right, I called Zidane a bald fraud (again) and I’m not arsed about his Champions League trophies. I’ll say it one more time... in fact I’ll spell it. B.A.L.D. F.R.A.U.D.
What’s his playing style? All the best coaches have an identity, a way of playing that their teams are identifiable by. We know Klopp’s style. We know Guardiola’s. And Pochettino’s. And Simeone’s. What’s Zidane’s though? It used to be “shithouse as much as possible lads, and then give it to Ronaldo”. Can’t do that now though, can he? They’ll do well to finish in the top three this year, despite the hundreds of millions he’s spent.
He’s even more over rated as a manager as he was as a player and that’s saying something. So yeah, sit tight Gareth as this egg head might be out of a job even before Solkskjaer.
Monday Jul 29:
Robbo says the players aren’t happy with themselves and that Hendo and Milner got them together on the pitch after the game and gave out some home truths about how they were playing. This kind of negates what I was saying about the mitigating circumstances for how they are playing and tells me that there's a little more to it and they aren’t happy about it. I’m still not worried, but this did cause me to half raise an eyebrow.
It’’s easy to overlook that we’re playing without six regular contributors, including the entire forward line. Things will be better when we’ve got our full team available. It’s just a shame that won’t be in time for Sunday, as I really want to see us flying at those pricks to lay down an early marker. I'm not even arsed about the Charity Shield itself. I mean obviously I'd rather win it than not win it, but it's basically just about beating them.
I want the Super Cup and I want the World Club Cup, but this is about who we're playing rather than the actual prize itself. I want to see some Keegan and Bremner style shit on Sunday. This ain't no friendly. Klopp should have that video of the City players singing on the plane on a fucking loop in the dressing room before the game.
The club have agreed the sale of Melwood to an 'affordable housing' company. I don't know enough about this to comment really, but it seems that the local residents are pretty unhappy about it. I read somewhere that they lobbied the club to make a commitment that the land could be used for something to benefit the community. Not an unreasonable request considering how long West Derby has been home to the club's training facility and the inconvenience that must have caused to residents over the years.
It still made me laugh when I saw it though. It's like they haven't been paying any attention at all. They'll sell to whoever gives them the most money, and they won't give a fuck what the land is used for. It's about the bottom line, like everything else in modern football. How many owners genuinely give a shit about the fans and try to look out for them? Very few, and certainly not ours, although they do talk a good game.
Tuesday Jul 30:
Ben Woodburn joins League One Oxford. There’s two ways of looking at this. One is that a 19 year old going on loan to a League Two side isn’t anything especially concerning and shouldn’t necessarily be a reflection of where he’s at in his development. After all, if he’s spent the last two years in the under 18s and was now making this move, it would probably be seen as a logical next step on the ladder. If this was Adam Lewis for example, it wouldn't be seen as anything negative.
The problem is, Ben was playing games for our first team when he was 17 and he became our youngest ever goalscorer. The future looked bright but he’s not progressed at all since. This time last year he was being loaned to a Championship side. Now it’s League One. This is why it's so hard to make predictions on most young players. Great at 17 doesn't always translate to great at 19. Great at 19 doesn't always mean great at 21 (Dom Solanke for example).
I hope I’m wrong, but I reckon we’ve got another Phil Charnock on our hands. He was once our youngest ever player but he would spend his career in the lower leagues. There’s a chance Woodburn could take the Conor Coady route and end up back in the big league when he’s in his mid 20s and at this point, both of those scenarios seem much more likely than him coming back and making it here unfortunately.
Meanwhile, Fulham want £9m compensation from us for Elliot. That seems a lot in relation to other similar deals, but it’s not that unreasonable when you weigh everything up. Fulham put all the work in to him, developing him and even giving him a chance in their first team. He looks like a special talent, and while there are no guarantees, if he becomes the player they think he can be, £9m will seem like peanuts, especially in today's mental market where Harry Maguire could go for close to £90m.
I mean, in theory, Elliot could spend a few years with us and then move to Madrid for £200m. How would that be fair to Fulham? I don’t know what the answer to this problem is, but big clubs keep signing youth players from smaller clubs and it’s not really right. All you have to do is tap the player up and tell him not to sign pro terms with his current club and you can sign young stars on the cheap.
What I’m not sure about though is how come we didn’t have to pay compensation for Bobby Duncan? That was the same situation, was it not? I dunno, the whole world of signing youth players is murky as fuck, and it’s cost Chelsea a transfer ban. I reckon we'll end up with a big bill for Elliot, but hopefully it will be incentive based as that way everyone wins.
In other news today, Ronaldo guarantees that Juve will win the Champions League. “Juve are going to win, if not this year, I hope it will be the next or in two years”. Nah, not having it. We’d twat them, City would twat them, Spurs would probably beat them, and that’s before we even get to the rest of the big teams around Europe. Ronaldo is still great but he’s on the decline. That’s fine for Serie A, he can probably play in that league until he’s 50, but playing against Premier League sides is a whole different ball game. Last time Ronaldo faced a Premier League side he was marked out of the game by Dejan Lovren.
Speaking of big Dejan, I’ve written before about how I wouldn’t sell him because he’s such an integral part of what goes on in the dressing room and he’s great for the spirit of the squad. Well today is a classic case in point, and seemingly it’s not just his club mates who buzz off taking the piss out of him.
He posted a message about being ready to get his revenge on Mo after losing to him at table tennis, and Luka Modric weighed in and said “You can’t win against anyone! Stop wasting your time.” Salah also taunted him by pointing out the score was 7-0 before Gini patronisingly told him “Never give up!”.
Seriously, Lovren is great for the morale of the squad because everyone enjoys hammering on him and he doesn’t give a fuck, he just takes it all. Keep him around, there’d be a huge “whipping boy shaped hole” to fill if he left.
Wednesday Jul 31:
L 3 Lyon 1 Much better. As I said the other day, playing shit in pre-season isn’t really cause for any alarm, but it feels much better when we play well and win doesn’t it?
Alisson started the game looking like he’d just stepped off that parade bus, hammered. I just laughed at that mistake, it was so ridiculous. If you’re going to do that, do it now when it doesn’t matter. Bobby was back with a goal, Mo was back and in that erratic form we saw from him in chunks of last year (shooting ten yards off target and standing on the ball when dribbling etc) and Naby was back and looking in surprisingly sharp form.
For all the positive press Lallana is getting for how he played, the player who caught my eye the most was Hoever. It’s quite rare that you see a kid and have no doubt whatsoever that they’ll be a star. Sometimes you can be fairly sure they’ll make it and be a good top level player, but it hardly ever happens that you look at a young player and KNOW 100% that he’s special.
Probably the last one I saw who I had absolute confidence in was Michael Owen. Hoever is different to Owen in that he isn’t banging in hat-tricks every game, but he’s similar in that I watch him and I’m convinced he’s not just going to be good, but he’ll be great. Honestly, he’s fucking brilliant.
I like the cut of Elliot’s jib too. He’s got that swagger about him and looks like he could be special. It’s too soon for me to be making bold proclamations about him though, so for now I’ll just stick with my “Hoever is going to be a superstar” call.
Wilson is an interesting one though. Klopp has apparently ruled out a loan so he either stays or he'll be sold. In pretty much any other year in the modern era I reckon he’d be getting games. Not necessarily starting, but he’d be in the squad. Now, he’s got no chance of getting a game because he’s basically the exact same player as Shaqiri, only not as good and less experienced. If Shaq can’t get much of a game, what chance has Harry got?
I’d like to see him stay until January at least though, because it’s really hard to judge a fringe player when most of the action he gets is when he’s surrounded by other fringe players. Wilson played with the big boys tonight and he looked good. Keep him around in case we get injuries early doors. With the forward lads not having much of a pre-season we need to be careful with them, so let's keep Harry for now.
Thursday Aug 1:
I know I shouldn’t laugh, but hahahaha fucking hell. That Harvey Elliot video where he’s ripping Harry Kane. There’s so much wrong with it and yet I can’t help but laugh when I watch it. He’ll probably get in trouble for it, which I have mixed feelings about. On the one hand, he’s 16 and there are far worse things he could be doing than that. On the other, he’s a footballer with what is expected to be a very bright future ahead of him. He has to know better than that, 16 or not.
Someone needs to sit him down and tell him three things. One, do not let your mates video you doing ANYTHING. Two, you can’t use the word ‘mong’ (when it comes to Kane, I'd recommend ‘slobbering goon’ as the go to insult). Three, Kane is England captain, you’re an England youth star and might be playing in the same team as him in a couple of years. That’s going to be awkward as fuck.
While I'm critiquing his social media habits, someone might also want to tell him that ‘thank you’ is not spelt ‘thankq’. Kids eh?
Also today, the Lovren table tennis thing is still rumbling on, as half the squad have taken to instagram to tear him to shreds. He won a game and was all chesty about it, until Mo pointed out that he’d lost 11 games in two days. Robbo weighed in and said “wow what a terrible player” and Trent took a shot at him as well, or in Trent speak, “aswell” (if you haven’t got on to that, listen the next time he does an interview).
Hendo caught some flak too after giving it the big ‘un when he beat Trent. Apparently he’s been shite so the lads didn’t take kindly to him making out he was the fucking king. The best bit though is Mo somehow managed to use an attack on Henderson as an excuse to boot the boot in on Lovren again. This whole exchange is great, especially when Lallana predictably weighs in to support his boy…..
Big Dejan eventually posted a picture of a broken bat, as it all became a bit too much for him. All this on the day that the Italian press report he’s close to joining Roma. Fuck that, don’t you dare let him go as it will break Mo’s heart, and a happy Salah is a prolific Salah. I don’t like moody Salah, so if Dejan makes him happy then give him a new contract. It’s not about the production we get from Lovren, it’s about the extra production we get from Mo.
It’s kind of like how we kept Albert the Moron around to keep the Brazilians entertained, only he couldn’t even fucking do that and we lost Coutinho. Dejan is a much better court jester. 100k a week to keep the whole squad smiling is a small price to pay in this current climate.
Friday Aug 2:
Harry Maguire £80m hahahahaha fucking hell. It’s gonna be hilarious when Leicester use that cash to find someone better than him and add another player or two and then finish above the Mancs.
Meanwhile, Arsenal supposedly want Coutinho on loan. My first reaction was what the fuck are they doing trying to sign another little attacking player. My second thought was did they offer “loan deal plus one pound”. And my third thought was that this is exactly how it would need to play out if we were going to have any chance of getting him.
Think about it. Barca want to sell him. A loan is an absolute last resort. The only thing worse than a loan would be them having to bend over and loan him to us. So, if we were to approach them and say “any chance of taking Phil on loan?” they’d tell us to fuck right off.
What if other teams are laying the groundwork and planting the seed though? Other teams that Coutinho doesn’t want to join. Like Arsenal, for example. Of course, he’d have to let them think he was up for it, which is where his agent comes in. We know that Joorabchian is a sneaky fuck who knows how to get what he wants.
So bear with me here. What if Joorabchian gets Arsenal interested and leads them on a bit. Arsenal have blown their budget on that Nicolas Pepe lad so they can’t buy Phil. They test the water with a loan. Initially Barca aren’t interested, but they know their only real chance of selling him is to PSG or the Premier League (and Coutinho has reportedly told them he doesn’t want to go to Paris).
So, the PL transfer deadline approaches and the only offer is Arsenal’s cheeky loan bid. Suddenly Barca have to think about it. Carry on paying his wages or let Arsenal do it, hope that Phil regains his form and then sell him in a year. Only problem is, Coutinho is now saying “weeeeelllllll I don’t really fancy Arsenal if I’m honest. I might just stay here and fight for my place”.
All of a sudden, a loan offer from us doesn’t look quite so unappealing from Barca’s point of view does it? Telling’ yers, this is how Joorabchian operates. He knows his shit, he gets his clients what they want which is why Coutinho hired him about a year before he ended up leaving us. This is happening people, all of this is just part of the dance as Brendan always used to say.
Damn, I’m really heading for a massive disappointment when this doesn’t happen, aren’t I?
….and that was the week that was
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