So last week I was rejoicing in it being a manc free weekend in the Premier League but both of them were back in action this week and frankly it was great. Well, half of it was.
That United loss against Palace was great fun, as was the subsequent over the top reaction to it. There’s just no middle ground with them is there?
When they’d beaten up on some shit teams their fans and the wider football media got far too carried away by it and convinced themselves that they were much better than they actually are. Now, after they lost at home to Palace, the opposite is happening.
“Ole Out” was trending and there have been various discussions about his future on different media outlets. After one fucking game!!! There’s just something about Manchester United that provokes far more hysteria (positive and negative) than anyone else. It’s similar with us and Arsenal, but just not as ridiculous.
All we’ve heard for months is how United are “back”. I didn’t buy into that and I’m not buying into the notion that they’re completely hopeless now because they’ve lost one game. They are what they are. They’ll be on a similar points total this year to what they managed last year and the year before. Not great, not terrible, just meh.
Far be it for me to be the one to offer up a defence of Solskjaer, but it seems ridiculous that one loss has caused such a big about face. I think he’s shit and I hope they keep him for a long time, but this was one game and there were extenuating circumstances for how shit they were.
Not least that they haven’t had a pre-season. They came in cold against a Palace team that was much better prepared than they were. I’d have been more surprised if they’d won, not least because they’re a bit shit when they can’t play on the counter attack, and Palace were never going to let them do that.
Palace can do this to anyone though. Their record against top six sides over recent years is pretty good. They’ve basically beaten all of us at some point. You don’t want to fall behind against them because they can just dig in and play on the break, and they’re really good at it.
There was nothing especially unusual or surprising about this result. Anyone who thinks there was hasn’t been paying attention or they were swept along by the ridiculous hype United have had since lockdown ended. The one thing that it was, of course, was fucking hilarious.
It was hilarious even before it kicked off, with Patrice Evra saying live on Sky that Zaha was bombed out of United because of the rumours “true or untrue” that he was in a relationship with Moyesy’s daughter. This fella is a fucking idiot. How can you not know that there are certain things that are off limits when you’re on live telly?
He shouldn’t have said anything at all but if he really felt like it was a point that needed making then you say something about ‘there were rumours about his personal life’ or something like that. You don’t just repeat what was essentially just a wild internet rumour. Of course it was hilarious, but Kelly having to apologise for him was excruciating. Make HIM apologise for it.
Anyway, as has been said on countless occasions, Zaha (or more likely his solicitor) pointed out to Sky that the rumours were false and he’d never even met the daughter of David Moyes, let alone done anything else with her.
So anyway, the game gets underway and Townsend gave Palace a deserved lead. He should have made it 2-0 actually as he had a couple more good chances. Palace were looking like they’d score every time they attacked, mainly because United’s defence is shite.
They eventually doubled their lead from the spot in the most hilarious circumstances. Firstly, that’s never a pen in a million years. If that’s a penalty then every time the ball hits a defender’s arm in the box you’re going to have to give one, just for consistency. Or alternatively just keep giving them against United, that works too.
The comedy wasn’t finished there though, as De Gea made a great save to deny Ayew and play went on for a good while before out of nowhere, BOOOOOM, the VAR ref said “nah ah Man United”. De Gea was an inch off his line so it had to be retaken.
The rule is the rule and harsh as it seems, officials have been told they have to clamp down on this from now on. Solskjaer even acknowledged that was the right call but said he didn’t think it was a penalty. I agree with him, but considering how many pens they’ve had over the last couple of years sympathy will be in short supply.
What makes this even better is that Palace not only got to retake the kick, they also got to change their taker. Ayew was fucked off and Zaha stepped up to bury the spot kick to add a capital ‘F’ on the Fuck you.
United pulled one back through Van der Beek but Zaha punished them on the break late on to add a capital… erm.. UCK on the FUCK you.
Goldbridge’s reaction to the retaken penalty was glorious. One of the funniest Goldbridge moments ever this (skip to around nine minutes in):
It was raining goals this weekend though. I don’t know if that’s a result of no fans in stadiums or just because everyone is completely rusty and hasn’t had a pre-season to hone their defensive shape and organisation properly. It looks a bit amateurish though when so many goals are flying in. Makes for a more interesting MOTD on a Saturday night though.
The Blues put five past West Brom in a game that was shaping up really nicely until Kieran Gibbs stupidly got himself sent off for clouting Rodriguez. Moron.
Diangana, the lad who caused Mark Noble’s twitter outburst when West Ham sold him to the Baggies, put the visitors in front when he ran the length of the field before beating Pickford from the edge of the box. He looks a good player, so I can see why West Ham fans would be upset about him going. Problem is, he plays in a position where they have plenty of players on big wages who they probably couldn’t shift.
Livermore then hit the post before Calvert-Lewin levelled with a back heel. “Hamez” gave Everton the lead and was then involved in the incident that resulted in Gibbs being red carded. He made a right meal of it but he was smacked in the face and it was as blatant a sending off as you’ll see.
It wasn’t a punch and it wasn’t particularly hard, but Gibbs hit him in the face right in front of the linesman. Absolute fucking dickhead. Rodriguez had left a little bit on him but it was nothing that justified such an act of stupidity.
Bilic was fucking livid and he too got his marching orders after confronting Mike Dean on the pitch at half time. I don’t really understand what his beef was, as there isn’t a referee in the world who isn’t giving a red card for that. Bilic even said afterwards it was a red card, which makes it even more strange that he was on the pitch accusing him of “trying to kill us” and saying he should have gone to the screen to check.
Here’s the weirdest part of all this though. Danny Murphy said that Mike Dean should have gone to the monitor but instead he rushed the red card decision and got it wrong. What the fuck???? He hit him in the face. Just because Rodriguez made a dog’s dinner out of it that doesn’t change a thing.
Everyone seems to hate SuperDan these days and he is a terrible pundit. I’ve heard him on the radio quite a bit and he’s good when he’s talking about his own experiences and he does give good insight into certain things. When you show him an incident and ask for his opinion on it though, he’s nearly always so far off that he should be Matt Le Tissier’s replacement on Soccer Saturday.
Anyway, back to the game. The ten men started the second half well and equalised with a brilliant free-kick by Pereira. Pickford though, fucking hell. Proper shite him. He followed it up with another stinker in midweek against Fleetwood. Garbage him, but it makes me laugh hearing people talk about whether or not he’s going to prevent Everton from being successful.
Everton had no problems finding ways not to be successful before Jordan Pickford and they’ll have no problems when he’s gone. Everton, aren’t they?
Terrible West Brom defending from a free-kick saw Kean (Michael, obviously, that other one they have never scores) restore Everton’s lead and after that they ran away with it as Calvert-Lewin completed a hat-trick when he shouldered in from a left wing corner.
It wouldn’t be a Round Up without a contribution from my Mum, and this week’s whipping boy was Calvert-Lewin, who she can’t stand due to his “stupid hair” and because “he looks like someone who would be in the nightclubs trying to impress all the girls by telling them he’s a footballer”.
Probably true but not sure why he’s being singled out for that when it probably applies to half of the players in the Premier League. Whatever. When it comes to having irrational reasons to dislike players I’m not really in a position to throw stones, but it’s obvious where I get it from.
Goals were raining down at Elland Road too as Top Knot FC edged out Fulham 4-3. Not sure there’s ever been so many bad haircuts on the same team before, so fair play for that Leeds.
Helder Costa smashed in the opener but Koch made a cock of himself by lunging in to concede a penalty. The lad played for it and I’m not sure I’d have given it, but if you go sliding in like that and don’t get the ball then the risk is always there.
Mitrovic converted the pen to make it it 1-1. He’s looking mean as fuck this year. Even more mean that usual. He looks like a villain in a show like Chicago PD or the Wire. Someone who sells guns or does a bit of human trafficking. He’s definitely the toughest looking hombre in the Premier League.
Aaaanyway, Leeds regained the lead soon after when my boy and fellow Bon Jovi enthusiast Bamford won a penalty and Klich cooly converted. Bamford then made it 3-1 with a cool finish and then he set up for the fourth for Costa. Great to see my boy doing well and silencing his critics. Choke on that Bad Medicine, Bamford haters. What? You don’t like it? Tough shit, I’m here all season and I’ve got a list of Bon Jovi puns as long as Nial Quinn’s neck.
Bobby Reed came off the bench to fire Fulham back into the game and Mitrovic powered in a brilliant header to make it 4-3 and put the heebeegeebees up Leeds for the last 20 minutes. They held on for the win but I’m still none the wiser what to make of them.
They’ve conceded seven goals in two games, but they’ve also scored seven. What’s more likely to dry up, the goals for or the goals against? Could go either way I think, but I hope they do ok because - longstanding historical rivalry aside - it’s far more interesting having a club like Leeds in the top flight than these fucking yo-yo clubs like West Brom and Fulham. So bored of them already.
Scott Parker’s post match interview on MOTD was fucking hilarious though. When he finished I had this great urge to shout “PARKLIFE!!”. He’s a lively little cockney chappie isn’t he? Right little dapper don he is too. Doesn’t really look like a football manager though. More like a model for George at Asda.
Ok, who else played on Saturday? Oh yeah, West Ham got beat again. They actually played well at Arsenal but they still lost and they’ve got a brutal run of games coming up too. Long term they’ll probably do what they did last year and be fine, but short term I only see misery and panic for the Hammers.
Lacazette headed the opener but West Ham were denied two good penalty shouts. The first when Bowen was clipped was one you’d maybe get 25% of the time (or 99% if you’re Man United) but the handball one looked clear to me. Gabriel missed the header and the ball hit his arm. How is that not a pen when the Lindelof one was?
This shit needs clarifying because we’re only two games in and no-one has a clue what’s happening with defensive handball at the moment. It’s like attacking handball last season. A complete farce.
Antonio levelled and then twice almost put the Hammers ahead as they enjoyed a good spell of pressure. They didn’t take their chances though and substitute Nketiah tapped in with four minutes left to win it for the Gunners. Both Arsenal goals looked offside to me but with the technology they have now I assume they must have been ok, but that didn’t stop Moyes complaining. Have to admire his consistency. He’s never seen a decision he couldn’t complain about.
Onto Sunday now and I must confess I was surprised that Leicester won. I heard on the radio they’d gone a goal down at home to Burnley and my first thought was “Yep, sounds about right”. After the way they ended last season it’s fair to say I’m not expecting much from them, even though I think they’ve got a lot of good players there.
I just don’t trust them after the way they capitulated and usually when the tide turns Brendan ends up drowning. They’re currently top though, which means nothing after only two games I know, but it’s not really what I expected from them. Still, there’s still plenty of time for the arse to fall out of them again. They lost in the league cup this week which was a shame as we would have played them next.
Still, it gives us a chance to beat Arsenal twice in a week so I’ll take that. We’d better fucking beat them or I won’t be able to contain my fury. I tell you, this whole not being able to beat Arsenal thing is taking the shine off all of our recent success. Seriously, what’s the point in trophies when you can’t beat those fucking gutless wastrels? Sort it out, Jurgen.
It was a strange game actually as Burnley probably shaded it on chances. Wood put them in front but Barnes levelled. Leicester then went ahead when a Burnley defender deflected a cross past his own keeper, and then James Justin arrived in the box to make it 3-1.
Jimmy Dunne headed in on his debut to get Burnley back in it. No idea who he is but this was his debut and he’s got the most Burnley appropriate sounding name ever. Throwback team, throwback football and he’s got a throwback name.
Praett made it 4-2 with a crisp strike from 20 yards but Burnley can feel a little aggrieved at the scoreline given they probably had the better chances in the game.
Harvey Barnes seems to get plenty of love on MOTD every week but I’m not completely sold on him. He’s decent enough but I imagine he’s probably one of those players who looks miles better on a spreadsheet than he does to the naked eye. Wouldn’t even be surprised if we were monitoring him.
Elsewhere on Sunday, Spurs fucking smashed Southampton at St Mary’s but it was a weird game. The Saints actually looked really good going forward and could easily have scored more than the two they got from the brilliant Danny Ings, who is again being linked with a move to Spurs. I don’t think he’ll want to go anywhere as why would he want to go back to being a rotation player when he’s currently the main man?
That Southampton defence though. Fucking hell. At times these lot are as bad as anything I’ve seen in the top flight. Fulham a couple of years ago were shocking but these are right up there too. Jack Stephens is a pub level player, Bednarek is no better and that big giant Danish fella is too ponderous to play the style of defending they want to play. What’s happened to Yoshida, he was always fairly competent.
*checks wiki* Ok, he’s at Sampdoria and probably delighted to be away from the train wreck that is that Southampton back four.
It doesn’t seem to matter who they play at centre back, they’re all just fucking woeful. Spurs sliced through them time and again, and all it took to do it was Kane hitting a first time ball in behind for Son to race onto. It’s not like there was anything clever about how Spurs played, they just took full advantage of Southampton’s ineptitude.
I watched most of this game and it was entertaining, but that Saints defence looks like they’ve never been coached in their lives. Old Ralph must spend all of his time on the training field working on their high press, which is pretty damn good. But once you get past it and reach their back four it’s like taking
They don’t have a back line, they have a back zig zag. They’re just all over the place. No organisation, no leader, no clue. I expect eventually they’ll sort it out and they’ll finish mid table again but right now they look like the team that conceded nine to Leicester.
Still, credit to Kane and Son for taking full advantage of it. I despise Kane as you all know, but there’s no doubting his quality. He’s a great goalscorer but he can play too. When he’s not being a greedy selfish cunt he’s more than capable of picking a decent pass.
I don’t know how many of you have watched the Spurs fly on the wall thing on Amazon, but having watched a load of clips from it I’ll defo give it a go when I’ve got the time. The bits I’ve seen have been fascinating, and I’m actually looking at Mourinho in a different light than before.
I’ve always slated him for how he publicly criticises his players but I look at it somewhat differently now. He only does that with ones who are wasting his time and aren’t putting in the effort. He’s not going to slag off Kane or Son because they want to win and will do whatever it takes.
Someone like Deli Alli though? Mourinho called him out for being lazy in training. He then had him in the office and said the same thing and told him that his career has stalled because he doesn’t put in the necessary effort. And he’s right.
I think Mourinho’s attitude is that he’s won everything there is to win and has a CV as impressive as any manager out there, so he doesn’t give a fuck about upsetting players who have achieved the square root of fuck all. That’s why he had a go at United players when he was there, and it’s why he’s singling out some of the losers he has at Spurs.
It’s not necessarily what I’d want to see my manager doing (and thank fuck we have Klopp) but having seen some of that documentary I don’t think it’s as wrong as I did previously.
And yes, Deli Alli is just as big a tit as I suspected he was. Comes to something when there’s an argument and I’m siding with Eric Dier, but that’s what happened.
Final point on this one. Southampton were awarded a pen for handball against Doherty and again, it looked well harsh. He wasn’t even involved in the challenge. One of his team-mates challenged the striker and the ball bounced up and hit Doherty’s arm. Yes his arm is outstretched because he was getting touch tight with the forward. He couldn’t have anticipated the ball would ricochet of two players and strike him.
As I said though, if the Lindelof one is a pen then any time the ball hits a defender on the arm that whistle needs to go, and to be honest I hate it. Except when it’s against a team I don’t like, in which case it’s sound.
Brighton’s win at Newcastle was a little surprising. Newcastle have bought well and had a good win to start the season, but Brighton battered them.
The main damage was done by my boy Tariq Lamptey, who absolutely ran Newcastle ragged. He won the penalty that allowed Maupay to set Brighton on their way after just four minutes. Not sure that was a pen though as Saint-Maximin got the ball as well as the man.
Maupay made it 2-0 soon after. Initially the linesman had flagged but VAR showed it was just onside. Lamptey twice went close to scoring himself and Brighton hit the post twice before eventually extending their lead through Connolly, but the game ended on a sour note for them when Bissouma was sent off for dangerous play, as his wild attempt at a back heel caught Lewis in the face.
There seems to be a lot of discussion as to whether that should have been a red card or not but to me that’s clear. It’s reckless swinging your boot like that, and he smashed him in the face with his studs. So yeah, definite red.
Of course Danny Murphy completely disagrees (calling it ‘ludicrous’ and a ‘shambles’) which re-enforces my belief that I’m right.
Jamaal Lewis’ head must have been spinning, and not just with the concussion he got from that challenge. One minute you think you’re signing for the Mighty Reds, the next you’re at St James’ Park having some pint sized teenager making you look stupid and some other fucker is booting you in the face.
Still, it could be worse. His old team-mate and fellow Norwich full back Max Aarons has been denied a move to Barcelona and is still in the Championship. Norwich are doing one hell of a job of ruining their players’ futures.
Onto Monday now. Sheffield United lost again
The Blades had their skipper Jon Egan sent off early on while that prick goalkeeper Villa signed from Arsenal saved a penalty from Lundstram. The sending off was soft. Egan was grappling with the forward but he didn’t drag him down and there’s a good case to be made that the keeper would have got there first anyway. It wasn’t a Christensen on Mané situation even though the punishment was the same.
There wasn’t really anything between the sides but the penalty miss was massive. It wasn’t a bad pen and it’s a great save by Martinez, but I hate saying that because I don’t like the cunt. He was too mouthy in the Community Shield shoot out and I have a long memory over random little things like that. I’ll hold that grudge for at least another ten years.
Konsa won it for Villa midway through the second half when he headed in at the back post from a corner.
As I said last week, I’m holding off on predictions until I’ve seen everyone play another game or two, but I expect Villa to have a better season than they did last year and I expect the reverse to be true for Sheffield United. I hope I’m wrong on both counts though.
Finally, City beat Wolves on Monday night. Didn’t see that coming as I thought Wolves would turn them over. They did twice last season, and this time they had the advantage of being much more match fit. It didn’t really show though. City were comfortably the better side in the first half and established a two goal lead thanks to a De Bruyne penalty and a Foden effort.
Wolves were proper shite and I don’t know what the hell Nuno thought he was doing. Their best player is my boy Adama. So you’d want him on the ball as much as possible and you’d want him in areas of the pitch where he can do the most damage. Playing him wing back is all well and good when you’re going to be dominating possession and he can get forward, but in a game when you’re on the back foot it’s just fucking bullshit.
It was doing my head in watching this. On the rare occasion he was able to get on the ball in the City half he looked really dangerous, but really he barely had a fucking kick. They went out and signed a right back from Barca this week but from my perspective the horse had already bolted.
I wanted Adama running all over City but instead he had to play in a straightjacket. Wolves were much better in the second half and with better finishing would have got something out of the game. Jiminez pulled one back after some great play by Podence but they couldn’t find an equaliser and City scored a third with virtually the last kick of the game.
We didn’t learn anything new about City in this game. They played some lovely stuff but when they come under pressure they always look like wilting. Wolves had them on the ropes in the second half but they just couldn’t land the knockout punch. Someone else will though. City aren’t that unbeatable force they once were, but as long as they have De Bruyne on the field they’ll always be a force.
Just wish he’d fuck off to a club that actually deserves someone of his talent, humility and class. He’s too good for those petty, small time, cheating fucks.
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