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Premier League Round Up (Sep 11-13 2021)

All eyes were on Old Trafford for the return of Ronaldo. Well, not all eyes as I didn’t watch it and I’ve just skipped through the highlights on MOTD. I wouldn’t watch them even before football’s answer to Prince Andrew showed up again so I sure as shit won’t be watching them now.

 

Besides, you don’t even need to watch them to know what’s going on as the entire football media has gone completely fucking nuts about it and the obsession with Ronaldo is just plain weird. Of course his debut went well, because he couldn’t have hand picked a better opponent than Newcastle as Steve Bruce’s record against United is fucking appalling, unless I’m confusing him with another of Fergie’s old lapdogs? 

 

To be fair it might be Mark Hughes I’m thinking of, but I’m fairly sure it’s Bruce because I seem to remember he had an incredible record at Anfield at one time but didn’t even have a point at Old Trafford or something mad like that. Anyway, he can add another loss to the CV as Ronaldo started off with a brace. It’s going to be interesting to see how he copes with the extra workload this season though as the only other player manager I can think of who had any success was the King. Still, at least he’s got Ole there to help with the little things like handling press conferences, making the tea and putting the cones out.

 

Elsewhere, Spurs’ impressive start to the season came to a shuddering halt at Selhurst Park as Palace picked up their first win after a lively performance. There was nothing in the game until the sending off of Tanganga though. 

 

Palace were just about shading it but when Spurs went down to ten it all fell apart for Nuno’s boys. The sending off was harsh in one sense and deserved in another. The second yellow was just a foul, not really worthy of a booking at all. The first one though, not quite a red but defo more than a yellow. The initial foul was sensational. Zaha knocked it past him and Tanganga just shoved him to the ground making no attempt to bother getting in a footrace with him. 

 

Zaha was furious and leapt up to confront him (as he often seems to do, nobody loves a spot of handbags more than Wilf). They went head to head, a bit of pushing and shoving ensued and they both got yellows. Given that Tanganga did as much pushing and shoving as Zaha, plus the initial foul, it felt a bit unfair that they both got equal punishment but Tanganga then dived in one someone else a few minutes later and Jon Moss took the opportunity to send him packing.

 

Palace were then awarded a penalty when Davies handled in the box. Definite pen as his hand was away from his body and blocked the cross. Zaha converted and then substitute Eduoard added a quick fire brace to give the scoreline a more emphatic look. I’m still not having Palace but I’ll say no more for now as we play them this weekend and you fuckers will only blame me if I slaughter them and then they get a result at Anfield.

 

Patrick Vieira was effusive in his praise of Zaha afterwards, saying “He was fantastic tod…..” zzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, nodded off there. Didn’t catch the rest of it.

 

Villa were without their Argentinian pair Buendia and Martinez. Not sure why as the Brazilian lads were all allowed to play this weekend. Sure, the Argie lads lied to Brazilian immigration to falsely gain access to the country, and they caused a World Cup qualifier to be abandoned because of their chicanery, but what the fuck does that have to do with the Premier League? I’d be pissed off if I were Villa.

 

Lukaku’s brilliantly taken goal broke the deadlock after just 15 minutes but Villa responded well and went close twice through the returning Watkins, while Mendy then had to make a double save to deny Mings and Konsa. It was all Villa but then Mings gifted one to Kovacic and Chelsea made it 2-0 totally against the run of play. He drops a lot of clangers him doesn’t he?

 

He then got skinned by Azpilacueta who set up Lukaku to smash in his second. 3-0 flattered Chelsea big time but this is exactly why they signed Lukaku. He gets stick for not doing it against the good teams but so fucking what? He’s prolific against everyone else and that was what Chelsea needed after years of fucking about with bums like Morata and Werner. This is a game they might have lost last season and it shows what a good signing Lukaku is for them. Some will judge him on what he does against Van Dijk, but there are a lot more Mings in this league than there are Virgils.

 

Arsenal had no goals and no points going into this weekend but they also had the one team you’d want to play in that situation as Norwich rolled into town with their kecks round their ankles. Even so, Arsenal still struggled to bum them despite having 30 shots. They’re pathetic.

 

Eventually Aubameyeng tapped in from close range to finally break the resistance of the Canaries but there was more than a whiff of offside about it, not to mention a handball in the build up. They checked the offside and said it was fine, so my eyes must have been playing tricks on me.

 

Are Norwich even going to get a point this season? Ok, of course they’re going to get some points but how many? I’ll set the over / under at 12.5 I think, and I’ll take the under.

 

Man City won at Leicester. Ordinarily I wouldn’t watch it but for some reason I didn’t forward through the highlights this time. I think it’s because I haven’t watched City play for so long I was curious to run the rule over them. I wasn’t impressed. They could easily have lost this game and my opinion of them hasn’t changed after this. Good but not great, and we’ll defo finish above them.

 

Leicester had threatened but didn’t take their chances and the one they did take was ruled out for offside. Then that little rat Bernardo got a lucky bounce in the box and scored from close range to nick the points. Even then Leicester could have equalised but Lookman was denied by Ederson.

 

Wolves continued to squander one v one chances against until eventually a Watford player got fed up seeing them miss chances and put one through his own net. Some cat named Sierralta. Standard Watford that, as I’ve never seen him before. I joke about this all the time but it’s true. Every week Watford send out some player we’ve never seen before. They must have hundred players in their squad.

 

Wolves sub Hwang prodded in from on the line to wrap up their first win of the season. Watford are going back down but they’ll put up more of a fight than Norwich will. Wolves would be a lot better than they are if they actually learned to put. Chances away, as they’re playing pretty well under their new manager.

 

The third promoted side somehow lost at home to Brighton despite having all of the chances. Ivan Toney is boss. I really like him, there’s definite ‘my boy’ potential there. He almost scored from the centre circle with an impudent, quickly taken shot that took everyone by surprise. The keeper wasn’t saving that if it was on target but it just cleared the bar. He also made three chances for his strike partner Mbeumo who missed the target with all of them. He set one up for Janelt too, who at least hit the target even if it was straight at the keeper.

 

For all Toney’s efforts Brentford couldn’t score and Brighton stole it when young Farage popped up in stoppage time to win it.

 

West Ham and Southampton drew 0-0 at St Mary’s. I learned two things about Michail Antonio this week. First, he used to play for Southampton. Did anyone else know that? Secondly, he’s a Jamaican international. Didn’t he get an England call up last season? 

 

He was booked for rock bottom’ing Jack Stephens after a bit of an altercation. Should have dropped the People’s Elbow on him for good measure. He then picked up a second yellow in stoppage time for a wild lunge and will be suspended this weekend. So West Ham won't be winning this weekend anyway. Wonder who the lucky opponents are... *checks fixture list* Ha! You honestly couldn't make this up. 

 

Southampton had gone closest to winner when they hit the post and later forced Declan Rice to clear off the line. The next day Rice and Mark Noble were at Wentworth to cheer on American golfer Billy Horschel, who is a big West Ham fan and has been sporting a golf bag in Hammers colours all summer. I was curious as to what the link was there and why he followed West Ham. I assumed his Dad must have been a Londoner or something but it turns out he just loved the movie Green Street and started following them because of that. Not even joking.

 

Imagine supporting a team based on a fictional movie about some wanker getting in fights at a football stadium. Can’t wait until Tiger rocks up at the Open with an Everton logo on his bag after watching Bellew’s ‘performance’ in Creed.

 

Speaking of Everton, I’ll end with them as they were the Monday night game. They twatted Burnley, and given that I’m clearly never going to concede that Everton might be anything other than shit, my take away from this is that Burnley must be really fucking bad and that this year may be the one when they get sucked into a relegation battle and don’t claw their way out of it. There are several teams I’d prefer to see go down but given that there’s no chance any of them will, I’ll settle for FC Brexit fucking off to the Championship.


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1 hour ago, Peter Cormack said:

Has fat Jon Moss slimmed down Dave? 

Ha! I actually typed it but then deleted the 'fat' because it felt a bit arlarse given that he'd got the decision right. Feel like I'll only bust that back out when he's fucked up.

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After his bag was spotted during a practice round earlier in the week, Horschel was in the Sky Sports Open Zone to explain how and why he became a West Ham fan.

 

“So during my sophomore year of college I moved into a new apartment  and the cable wasn’t going to be hooked up for a couple of days,” he explained, “so we went to Best Buy and bought a couple of DVDs, one of those DVDs was Green Street. ”

 

“I loved the movie, I loved Charlie Hunnam as an actor and obviously the film is about the firms at Millwall and West Ham, from there I started following them.”

 

“Since about 10-12 year ago I’ve been paying really close attention to them since NBC Sports starting showing Premier League games, so I’m always watching their matches and any Premier Leagues actually.”

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On 17/09/2021 at 14:21, dave u said:

Ha! I actually typed it but then deleted the 'fat' because it felt a bit arlarse given that he'd got the decision right. Feel like I'll only bust that back out when he's fucked up.

I'm expecting to see that the FAT is Back this week, then......

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