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Premier League Round Up (Oct 3-4 2020)

This would have been so much more enjoyable if we hadn’t been humiliated at Villa Park. City failing to win again and United conceding six at home to a team managed by the fella they sacked, this is the kind of shit that invariably brings the best out in me. This Round Up would have been boss, but instead it’s had the gloss stripped right off it.

 

How can I go balls out ripping into United for letting in six when we then let in seven? City dropped two points but they still closed the gap on us, so that’s a bit shit too. I’m struggling here but it’s because I’ve forgotten how it feels.

 

I was thinking about this prior to starting to write, and I can’t actually remember the last time I did one of these when we’d had a defeat that was actually significant. Sure, we lost a few games last season but by the time we did we were leading by a country mile and it didn’t matter much.

 

The first game we lost was Watford in February. Up until that point the only time we hadn’t won was when we drew at Old Trafford. The Watford loss was disappointing but it was easy to shrug off because we were miles ahead, the title was all but wrapped up and basically it didn’t matter. 

 

This loss maybe - hopefully - won’t matter in the long run. In fact, it’s entirely possible that it was something we needed in order to refocus and regain that intense hunger and drive that has made this kind of situation so rare. So with that in mind I’m going to try to enjoy the suffering of our rivals as much as I can in the hope that we’ll be back on track sooner rather than later, while their woes will continue. 

 

So I’ll get to United at the end as they played on Sunday. We’ll start with the Saturday games and where better to kick things off than Elland Road, where Leeds and Man City played out one of the best games of the season so far. It was only 1-1 so it doesn’t immediately jump out as being anything out of the ordinary, but it was wildly entertaining, end to end stuff.

 

Leeds started terribly. They were all over the place and kept losing the ball while playing out from the back. City should have been 3-0 up before Sterling eventually put them ahead. It looked like they were going to run away with it but Leeds eventually settled and started playing some nice stuff.

 

Ederson had made two good saves before he flapped at a corner and allowed Rodrigo to equalise. He redeemed himself later with a stunning fingertip save to deny the same player though.

 

Both teams had chances to win it and Sterling spent most of the game trying to win penalties by diving. He’s almost at Richarlison levels, but no-one ever says shit about it. Cheating little fuck. 

 

Guardiola’s interview afterwards was pathetic. Kissing Leeds’ arse big time because he loves Bielsa is one thing, but it was the little veiled dig at Leicester that was embarrassing. Sterling did the same thing. All this “it’s so refreshing when teams actually try and play against us instead of putting eleven men behind the ball”. Shut up you sad whiny cunts.

 

Bielsa is fucking weird though isn’t he? He spent the whole of his post match interview staring at the floor and not making eye contact with the interviewer. He’s definitely on the spectrum of something, but then that’s a common trait with geniuses. And he is a genius even if he isn’t a serial winner.

 

My boy Ashley Barnes was back for Burnley as they lost at Newcastle. My other boy Saint-Maximin broke the deadlock with a low shot from the edge of the box after some nifty footwork. Boss little player him.

 

Dyche wasn’t happy about it because he felt Wilson fouled Long in the build up. He had a point actually, but Wilson only did what Wood and Barnes do probably a dozen times a game. They usually get away with it too. It was a foul though.

 

That back up keeper for Newcastle is the worst camera save merchant I’ve ever seen. He’s always flinging himself all over the place when the ball is straight at him. Just watch him next time, he's a bad show off. If he wasn't in goal for them he'd be on Geordie Shore.

 

Westwood lashed in a great volley to equalise but Saint-Maximin escaped down the right to cross for Wilson to make it 2-1 at the back post. Wilson wrapped it up from the spot when Pope took a heavy touch and ended up giving away a penalty.

 

Pope had almost been caught earlier in the game too when he was closed down by Wilson. Top keeper but he’s useless with his feet. So he’s basically the polar of opposite of Pickford, who’s useless with his hands but boss with his feet.

 

Elsewhere, Chelsea overcame a poor first half to overcome Wilfried Palace at the Bridge. They were much better after the break and were good value for the 4-0 scoreline, although they owe a big debt of gratitude to Big Mama.

 

Christ, he’s fucking shite isn’t he? I mean, he’s so bad I’m not sure he’d even get in the United squad. He makes Lindelof and Bailly look like Hansen and Lawro. In fact, probably the best comparison for Sakho is Phil Jones, another utterly hapless, accident prone useless turd.

 

It’s to my eternal shame that I ever thought Sakho was good. He can be good on some days, but his overall body of work is comic levels of bad. It’s the insane levels of unjustified self confidence that gets me though. He’s never seen a situation he can’t back-heel himself out of.

 

He approaches football the way I do golf. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I’m playing the 9 hole course at Aintree. There’s a par four with a big pond in front of it. It’s probably about a 210 yard carry to get over the pond and another 15 or 20 to get onto the green, so it’s doable if everything goes smoothly.

 

On this day though it’s windy as fuck. I’m stood up there on the tee, wind howling into my face, knowing I’d been playing like shite, but still I reach for the driver. My playing partner has knocked an eight iron down the fairway, well away from the pond, and has about 100 yards left. I can feel the disapproving look from him as I take the Big Dog out of the bag.

 

Deep down I know I’m going in the pond, but if I catch it absolutely perfectly I might just be able to carry it over, despite the hurricane blowing into my face. So I went for it. Splash. Undeterred, I went for it again. Splash. I then walk up to the pond, drop a ball and hit an easy little wedge. Splash. There was no excuse for the third one other than my head had gone completely after already hitting two in there.

 

The really stupid thing is even if you carry that pond it’s almost certainly not going to stay on the green anyway, so there isn’t any real benefit to going for it. I could have just hit a seven iron into the wide open space to the left and then hit a wedge into the green. But I didn’t. Why? Four little words - “He who dares, wins”.

 

That’s my approach to golf. He who dares, wins. Except it’s bollocks. Unless you can actually play, he who dares usually ends up in the pond. Or ends up losing the ball in his own penalty and letting his team down. 

 

Sakho definitely goes out onto the field thinking “he who dares, wins” because it feels like everything he tries to do is the highest risk option he could take any that particular moment.

 

He’s not even anywhere near good to attempt most of the things he does, and his decision making is reckless and deluded beyond belief. Maybe that’s why I can’t help but like him even though he’s shit?

 

His silly mistake led to Chilwell scoring the opening goal on his debut. Zouma should have made it 2-0 when he out jumped Sakho but headed wide. Soon after the same thing happened again and this time Zouma found the net. 

 

Abraham was brought down by Palace’s young left back Mitchell and Jorginho converted the penalty with his customary aplomb. He’s brilliant at pens when he isn’t being reverse jinxed by me. He added another soon after when Sakho arrived about five seconds late to make a challenge on Havertz. Appalling decision again, going with the driver when the smart play was to lay up with the seven. 

 

Abraham tried to take the pen away from Jorginho and had the right hump when his captain Azpilacueta dragged him away. I hate seeing that. It puts unnecessary pressure on the taker, but at 3-0 up in an empty stadium there’s not really any pressure so actually it might actually be a good thing.

 

Palace were fucking rubbish though. Zaha especially did nothing. He got the hump on social media because Tony Cascarino had a pop at his performance, saying he looked like a player who was sulking because the move he wants has never materialised. 

 

That’s exactly what it does look like though. He was well up for it against United because it’s his old club and he wanted to prove a point, but he just didn’t look interested at all in this game.

 

Tell you what’s fucking mental. Not only are Everton top with a 100% record, they’re now being shown first on MOTD. What kind of fucking bizarro world is this? I’m about one more month of this away from 

 

It’s amazing what a few good results do for confidence. We saw that with how aggressive, sharp and bright Villa were right from the opening whistle, and the Blues started this game in much the same way. They had two good efforts on goal in the opening couple of minutes and just seemed more alert and up for it than Brighton did.

 

Calvert-Lewin rose well at the back post to head them in front. I can’t bring myself to accept that Calvert-Lewin is actually any good but he’s banging in goals. I don’t know how, but he is. Tap ins, poachers goals, great headers… I hate to say this but he might be a John Aldridge. I’m sure fans of other clubs looked at Aldo and saw him as a Poundland Rushy and wondered how he was scoring as many goals as he did. 

 

I watch Calvert-Lewin and he just seems bang average to me, but at the end of the game he’s walking off having scored two or three. As I say, I’m not prepared to ever admit he’s any good, but that says more about me than him at this point.

 

Brighton levelled unexpectedly when Pickford dropped a simple ball at the feet of Maupay. He’s made so many clangers over the last 12 months or so but this was arguably the worst. The only reason he hasn’t already been dropped is because they signed that Losl loser from Huddersfield as their number two and he’s so bad he makes Adrian seem like Ray Clemence.

 

Ancelotti had said recently that he wasn’t looking for a new goalkeeper and had faith in Pickford. All the while they were trying to get Romero from United. When they couldn’t do that, they went for Gazzaniga from Spurs. And when they couldn’t do that, they signed Sweden’s number one on deadline day.

 

Pickford is probably one more howler away from being dropped. Let’s hope it comes in their next game, against us at Goodison.

 

Anyway, Mina headed them back into the lead and then led an awfully choreographed “Macarena” with James, Doucoure, Digne and Calvert-Lewin. Took them an age to set the thing up and then when they eventually did it it was shite. Bit like some of my gags.

 

Seamus Coleman went over to congratulate Mina, saw what they were doing and them immediately turned away. He wanted no part of it, to his credit. Celebrations like that are only even remotely acceptable if they’re: 

 

1) spontaneous

2) in front of crowds

3) done by our lads

 

Mina’s ticked none of those boxes and therefore goes down as one of the lamest, cringiest celebrations of recent times. Honestly, it was fucking sad. All trying to get in a line and then having to move Calvert-Lewin to the opposite end because he didn’t know he was supposed to be. Fucking pricks.

 

Rodriguez then added a couple of goals to give the scoreline an emphatic look. He’s had a great start for them but some people are getting well carried away about him. He’s a good player, very talented, but the Blues seem to think he’s an actual legitimate superstar just because he’s got a lot of followers on social media.

 

You know what he is? He’s Shaqiri, only more cool, exotic and handsome (sorry Shaq, but he is). In terms of football though, they’re basically the same player. Great left foot, can score, can assist, not particularly quick and not big on helping out much defensively.

 

Everton see James as the man that can win them the derby next week. He might, but equally if I’m Jurgen Klopp I’m looking at him and thinking that if Ancelotti keeps playing him on the right of the front three then Robbo and Sadio can run wild down that side because he’s not going to giving Coleman much help.

 

Ancelotti is a wily old fox though so it wouldn’t surprise me if he changed his system to compensate for the lack of running he’ll get from Rodriguez.

 

Bissouma hammered in volley from 25 yards to give Brighton a late consolation. They played pretty well but defensively they were wide open and if need to sort that out they’ll be comfortable in mid-table. If they don’t, they’ll be in the dogfight again.

 

On that note, we’re four games in now and I said I’d wait until now to make my predictions. So, here goes.

 

Top four will be us, City, Spurs and Arsenal. Bottom three will definitely include Fulham (bottom by miles) and West Brom, but the third team to drop is really hard to call. The easy thing to do right now is to say Burnley, but Dyche will turn that around as he always does. If he ever gets pissed off to the point that he walks though, they’ve got no chance.

 

Sheffield United look in big troubled based on the first few weeks, but I think they’ll be alright as they’ve got a good team spirit and a manager who can get the best out of them. I hope they’ll be alright anyway, but they need to start scoring goals.

 

Ok, hands up who predicted West Ham would smash Leicester? Not me, although we probably should have seen it coming based on what Leicester have done since Christmas.

 

My boy Antonio opened the scoring (is he my boy? Hard to keep track but I think I gave him ‘my boy’ status at the end of last season) and Fornels made it 2-0.

 

Bowen added a third when he ran in behind Leicester’s raggedly high line to slot home. Awful defending that, reminded me of Southampton against Spurs the other we…. actually no, it was like us at Villa Park. 

 

Barnes thought he’d pulled one back with what would have been a runaway winner of goal of the month, but Vardy was an inch offside and VAR ruled it out. Shame, would have been a cracker that. Not that Leicester really deserved anything as they were terrible, a fact acknowledged by Brendan afterwards.

 

Here’s a controversial thought. Now bare with me here, I know this sounds outlandish. But could West Ham actually not be shit after all? There’s a growing body of evidence to suggest they might not be, especially the last couple of games. 

 

It’s surely not a co-incidence that since Moyes got Covid and has had to stay away from games they have turned into a winning machine, banging in goals and keeping clean sheets. Hopefully he makes a full and speedy recovery and makes them losers again.

 

Sheffield United went to Arsenal without a win, without a point, and without a goal. They left there with no points, no win but at least they finally scored, even if it did turn out to be just a late consolation.

 

It could have been different if Luiz had been sent off early on when he gave the ball away and then pulled the striker back by his shirt. The keeper probably would have got there first but Luiz had a handful of shirt and slowed the lad down. He’s such a fucking calamity.

 

Arsenal were toiling away without really threatening, but eventually they put together a move of quality and Saka headed them into the lead after an hour. Pepe quickly added a second and they looked to be cruising. 

 

The third didn’t come and McGoldrick ensured a nervy finish when he curled one home with seven minutes left. Arsenal held on and Arteta and his staff celebrated like they’d won the league. Pricks.

 

Southampton picked up three points with a routine win over West Brom. Djenepo bagged the first and then Romeu thundered into the box to volley home number two. The only surprise here is that Ings didn’t score.

 

 

Wolves have had a dreadful start and really needed a result to stop the rot. So you can imagine how happy they were to see Scott ‘Scotty’ Parker and his hapless Fulham side stumble into town.

 

You know that I’ve been banging the drum about how terrible Tim Ream is from the time Fulham were relegated last time. Well I remember back then that as horrific as Ream was, Fulham wheeled out a fella who was even worse. I couldn’t remember his name but assumed that he’d have long since been sent packing.

 

I was wrong! He resurfaced in their starting line up this weekend, alongside Ream. Le Marchand is his name, and defending like a hallucinogenic snail is his game.

 

It says a lot about Wolves that they couldn’t take advantage of such a woeful defence. They are well off the pace at the moment, which is understandable. They did have chances but the Fulham keeper Areola had a blinder until he was eventually beaten by a low drive by Neto.

 

So, finally. Old Trafford. Mourinho’s revenge. I bet loads of you were proper taking the piss weren’t you? I said nothing. Not because I thought we might do even worse than they did, but just because it’s not good karma saying anything until your own game is over.

 

What would have been one of the worst days in the lives on many United fans was made a lot less shitty by what we did. It doesn’t make their loss ok, but it did take a lot of the heat off them because everyone was more shocked about what we did.

 

I’ll say what I’ve said the past couple of weeks. United aren’t this bad, but the late finish to last season and the lack of preparation for this season is hurting them. They’re playing catch up in terms of fitness and that’s putting them (as well as Wolves and City) at a disadvantage. Mind you, I hope I’m still using this excuse for them in May!

 

They were shite against Spurs but I also think they were more than a little hard done by. There’s no excuse for how badly they defended but their cause wasn’t helped by a ridiculously unfair sending off.

 

It all started so well for them though. Martial was felled in the box by Sanchez with less than a minute gone. Manchester’s own Anthony Taylor pointed to the spot and Portuguese Gylfi did the rest. 1-0 United.

 

That was as good as it got for them though. Ndombele equalised after some proper keystone cops defending by Maguire, who headed the ball up in the air and then wrestled Luke Shaw to the ground before he could clear. The world’s most expensive defender that. Kinell. Mama, I take it all back son, you would get in that United squad.

 

United’s heads went then and almost immediately they allowed Kane to take a quick free-kick to send Son clear to make it 2-1. No-one hates Harry Kane more than I do (except maybe my mum) but he’s a world class player. I know there are people who say he isn’t, but he just is. I don’t see how it’s even a debate. He’s a brilliant player.

 

He isn’t just a goalscorer, he’s setting up even more than he scores these days and although he’s a cheating cunt, he’s also a clever one, as we saw with the sharp thinking on that free-kick.

 

What was De Gea doing though? Son’s touch was so heavy that the ball was just screaming out to be picked up by the keeper, but by the time he realised what was going on Son had beaten him to it. Proper shit that, it’s almost as though he wasn’t even watching it. 

 

Like when you’re on the train daydreaming and you realise it’s your stop and you have to do a mad dash to get to the doors before they closed. Only in this case the doors slammed in De Gea’s stupid werewolf looking face. 

 

This was the point when United got really unlucky though. That sending off was a disgrace. I honestly don’t know how that can happen. I could understand Taylor only seeing the reaction of Martial, but when VAR is involved then that’s just fucking staggeringly wrong.

 

Lamela gives Martial a little nudge on the chin with his elbow. Martial then flicks a little hand back at him in retaliation. Lamela then drops to the floor like he’s been roundhoused by Van Damme.

 

Both offences were exactly the same, only Lamela acted like a cunt to try and get Martial sent off. That should have been a yellow card each and then a second yellow to Lamela for being a snide. To send off Martial when literally the only difference in what they did was that Martial didn’t cheat to get the opponent in trouble is genuinely a disgrace. I’m actually angry about it.

 

As much as I enjoy seeing United lose that has bothered me because it’s just a level of incompetence that we shouldn’t be seeing. If that had been against us I don’t think I’d ever get over it. That’s one of those decisions that’s so bad that if I’m the manager I’d actually take my players off the pitch and refuse to finish the game.

 

There is absolutely nothing that the officials can say to justify why one player was sent off and not both of them. Nothing at all. As I say, I’d have taken my players off and I’m not even kidding. I don’t feel sorry for United, that’s not what I’m saying. But that decision was a fucking scandal.

 

United conceded again almost immediately when Kane found the net. Clearly they were all over the shop mentally now and being a man down this was always going to get ugly. Not just regular ugly, but like, Phil Jones ugly.

 

Son made it 4-1 when he stole in at the near post and nutmegged De Gea. Then Aurier made it 5-1 and Kane wrapped it up with a penalty conceded by Pogba, who was fucking rubbish once again. 

 

Fat Luke Shaw then got booked for a fabulous foul. Great stuff that. Moura knocked it past him and Shaw was like “am I fuck chasing after you” and he just booted him. Should have been a red that really. But if you’re getting a red that’s how you’d want to do it. Martial must be wishing he’d proper chinned Lamela now. He’s not the only one. I’d love to see someone smack that boyband looking cheating twat.

 

Solskjaer was a lot more calm about the sending off than I would have been. He praised Martial for staying on his feet, which is weird to me. That’s like praising someone for not mugging old ladies. You don’t get praise for not doing something you aren’t supposed to do.

 

He then chided Lamela by saying “if that was my son I know what I’d tell him”. What would you tell him? Come on, you can’t leave it at that. We need to know. Why didn’t the interviewer press him on it? “What would you tell him, Ole?”. Who knows, he might have answered it. “I’d tell him to stop being a cheating shithouse cunt”.


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"Tell you what’s fucking mental. Not only are Everton top with a 100% record, they’re now being shown first on MOTD. What kind of fucking bizarro world is this? I’m about one more month of this away from "

 

Away from what? What are you one month away from? Come on, you can’t leave it at that. We need to know.

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Good round up Dave, well done for getting some humour in there!

 

That Lamela incident, even though it was the Mancs who suffered you just can't help being angered by it, and it was just absolutely staggering that VAR did nothing about it. Why they didn't tell the ref to go and view it on the monitor who knows, unbelievable.  

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19 hours ago, piphomer said:

"Tell you what’s fucking mental. Not only are Everton top with a 100% record, they’re now being shown first on MOTD. What kind of fucking bizarro world is this? I’m about one more month of this away from "

 

Away from what? What are you one month away from? Come on, you can’t leave it at that. We need to know.

 

Lost my train of thought there. Planned on going back to it and then completely forgot! 

 

Happening more and more these days. 

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17 hours ago, DaveTucker said:

Wasn't Sakho the only man (At least at one point) you ever gave a 10 to in the ESPN match ratings? Gambling occasionally pays off I guess. 

 

He was, and then he failed a drugs test very soon after!

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Great round up. They're always better when Dave is wound up. Hey that rhymes.

 

I thought Kane was finished last season and had written him off, but it seems I was very wrong. It also looks like he's changed his game for the better since those injuries have left him a bit battered. The big chinned twat.

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As distasteful as it seemed, the Martial sending off was actually correct according to the rules. It is a shit rule but if you deliberately raise your hand or arm to someone's face, you'll almost certainly be sent off.

 

I reckon Lamela got away with his own offence because he hit Martial in the neck area and not the face. It's the same legitimate reason why Mane wasnt sent off against Arsenal even though the Arsenal fans were crying all over social media about it.

 

The rule is the problem. Harder tackles like Shaw's would get yellow carded but an offence like Marital's would get punished with a red.

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What an incredibly stupid rule. In a lot of cases getting hit on the throat is far worse than a brush on the chin.

 

See that line judge who got Poindexter Jokovic thrown out of the US Open as exhibit A.

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