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Premier League Round Up (May 7-12 2022)

What a shit week. Virtually nothing good has come out of it at all. We dropped points and City not only didn’t but they piled up their goal difference by such an extent that they can even afford to lose a game now and it won’t matter. 

 

That isn’t even the worst of it though, as it was kind of expected. The worst thing that has happened is that Everton are virtually safe now after picking up four points as Leeds vomited all over themselves. I’m proper gutted about that as a couple of weeks ago Everton were virtually down. I mostly blame Chelsea, but Brendan can fuck off too.

 

Leicester have been dogshit this season, which makes it all the more galling that we let them fuck up our title hopes back in December. Having been knocked out of Europe by Mourinho last week there was no way on earth they were going to lift themselves for a game with Everton.

 

It’s sickening, everything has fallen nicely into place for Lampard in recent weeks. Playing teams at just the right time while Leeds are losing players left right and centre to injuries and red cards. 

 

Everton will stay up now and as I said, I’m proper gutted about. Way more gutted than I thought I’d be. It’s on Chelsea, Leicester (who let’s not forget the other week choked and conceded a stoppage time goal at Goodison), United and Arsenal. Those are the cunts who have allowed this to happen, the Lampard enabling wankers. Fuck each and every one of them. This is a grudge I won’t forget any time soon.

 

Let's begin with a positive though. The continuing clownshow that is Manchester United. United are now at a level where I don’t even know how to describe them. It’s beyond shit. Beyond embarrassing. There’s just no way they should be THIS bad. I know it’s all relative and when we call these players shit it’s fair comment. But they’re all international footballers. They shouldn’t be as inept as this.

 

Something is rotten there though. The whole culture is fucked. There’s an entitlement about them that they haven’t earned. Just because you play for Manchester United doesn’t make you a Manchester United player. The attitude of some (most?) of them fucking reeks.

 

Ronaldo doesn’t exactly help the situation but he’s one of the few (De Gea would be another) who can say he couldn’t really have done any more than he has. He’s done his job on the pitch and you know he’s also done all he can to set an example with how he approaches training and looks after himself. He’s surrounded by fucking clowns though.

 

Look at his face when the third goal went in. He just started laughing. Not because he doesn’t care, but it’s one of those “if you don’t laugh you’ll cry” type things. He’s not used to this, he’s been a winner his entire career and now he’s having to be a part of this fucking shambles.

 

Mind you, he’s not really in position to talk too much when he keeps launching free-kicks into orbit. Is there a more pointless exercise in football than his pre-shot routine on free-kicks? It'd be like me taking 5 minutes to line up a six foot putt. I'm missing it regardless, may as well do it quickly.

 

We all know Ronaldo is not going to score those free-kicks, the preening tit. That being said, he's quite literally the only thing United fans have had to feel good about this season. He's been their best player by a mile, because all the others are shit.

 

Going to Anfield and losing 4-0 was bad enough but it’s understandable to some extent as we’re boss. Going to Brighton and losing by the same score though, I just don’t know you justify that except to say that the players have clearly just given up. You could say they aren’t listening to the manager anymore, but there’s been nothing to suggest they ever have done. He’s the godfather of the genenpress but at no point have those players shown anything like that. Lazy fucking chancers.

 

Caicedo fired Brighton ahead from 25 yards. Usually I’d be looking at the keeper on those but I don’t think De Gea can do anything about that. It’s low and right in the corner and I think he saw it late. That was just the start of it.

 

Maguire has been dropped recently and he must have been smug as fuck sat on the bench watching this shit. He’s taken the brunt of the blame for how bad they are at the back but they can’t pin this on him. He’ll have been sat there looking like the Di Caprio meme watching Varane clowning his way around. The one time “world’s best defender” put one on a plate for Danny Welcrap, but obviously it went over the bar. 

 

Welbeck averages about four goals a season yet still has a career in the top flight. That offends the fuck out of me if I’m being honest. He’s so fucking shit that his mere presence in that squad makes me doubt my high estimation of Graham Potter. I think he’s a really good manager, but he keeps picking that bum so can he really be that good?

 

Brighton were well on top though and they ran riot after the break. My boy Cucurella added the second goal with a brilliant finish after a great move. He then cried afterwards. Settle down lad, it's only Man United. Everyone is scoring past them these days. Their goal difference is +1, which surely has to be some kind of record low for them. The way they're going it might be negative after their final game.

 

Not sure I’ve given Cucurella 'my boy' status prior to this week but I know I have been singing his praises regularly throughout the season so it's been coming. I’m making it official now anyway, he can join his fellow full back Lamptey in the ‘my boy’ honours list.

 

Gross made it 3-0 when he just waltzed through the middle of their defence and rolled it past De Gea, and the fourth arrived via young Farage who saw a rebound hit him on the chest and ricochet in. 

 

One of my mates fancies him you know. I’ll spare his blushes by not naming him here, but I know he’s reading this and he’ll be irked at me once again slagging off his crush. Tough shit, Roger. If you want to fantasise about someone who looks like a 1980s Nigel Farage then this is on you. Own it.

 

Why is it that gays seem to just have weird taste in fellas. The ones who I would think are obviously handsome bastards tend to not do it for them, but odd looking fuckers like Trossard do. Mind you, women are just as bad. My missus genuinely doesn’t think Paddy Berger in his pomp was anything special. Can you believe that shit?

 

I’ve just read that back and I’m impressed with the arrogance of me there dictating to women and gays about what is a handsome man and what isn’t. Some next level shit that. Like a rugby coach trying to educate Klopp about football. Or Harry Maguire telling Van Dijk how to defend.

 

Anyway, moving on. This game offered more evidence of just how far away United are. Forget the scoreline. If you remove the goals and just watch this game you’d see one team that knows exactly what they’re trying to do and that plays as a unit with and without the ball. The patterns of play are obvious, as is the movement off the ball from players who are so obviously well drilled.

 

Then there’s United, who literally have none of the above. They look like a pub team with a few ringers in who are clearly way more talented than everyone else. If I took them over on footy manager I’d keep Sancho and sell everyone else. I’d let De Gea stay if there was no-one out there who would take his wages off the books, and I’d keep Fred and McTominay as at least they give a shit and will put some effort in. You can use them until you reach a level when you can do better, but the rest of that squad are either proper fucking wasters. Great isn’t it?

 

Burnley’s revival under Mike Jackson ground to a shuddering halt as they got tonked at home by Villa. That was a game I thought they might win but they got off to a bad start and never recovered.

 

Ings put Villa ahead against his old club, but Burnley were playing alright and had a couple of chances to level before Buendia made it 2-0 on the half hour mark.

 

Even then, Dwight McNeil then had a great chance to pull one back but hit a tame shot straight at the keeper. I used to call him Dwight Downing but that’s genuinely unfair on ol’ Stewy that is. McNeil is useless, he just never scores which is unforgivable in an era when most teams rely on their wide attackers for goals. 

 

Remember when wingers played in a 4-4-2, with left footers on the left and right footers on the right, and some of them would go entire seasons without a single goal? That’s McNeil that. He looks like he’s been transported from 80s football. Mind you, so does everything else about Burnley, including the town itself.

 

Watkins added a third after the break before Cornet came off the bench to grab a late consolation. Burnley have lost Tarkowski to injury now, which combined with the loss of Ben Bee means they’re basically fucked. Lucky for them that Leeds are even more fucked.

 

Interesting that Coutinho was left on the bench for this one. He’s been shite away from home and the early flourish he had when he first went there has well and truly fizzled out. He did fuck all against us in midweek too before they subbed him. They’re making that deal permanent, which is good for them but really fucking sad if you’re Coutinho. He should be entering his prime years as a footballer now, but he’s going to do it at Aston fucking Villa. I know he brought it all on himself but it does make me a bit sad.

 

Palace beat Watford as Roy Hodgson returned. Zaha’s penalty was the only goal of the game but Palace should have had six as they battered Watford. At the end Hodgson went to the Palace crowd instead of the Watford fans. Could be his age, could just be him being a twat. Some of the shit he came out with afterwards about what a good state he’s leaving Watford in was amazing even by his standards. Fucking hell.

 

Ben Foster on the other hand, absolutely ripped his team-mates afterwards, saying they’re going down because too many players only perform for 70 minutes and then can’t be arsed playing the rest of the game. It was pretty scathing stuff but I bet he’s dead right about it. I’ve been watching that Sunderland documentary on Netflix and it’s a similar thing there. Too many bad apples and the senior pros really struggle to accept it.

 

Will Hughes was making a rare start for Watford, which made me a bit emotional. Why? Because of my mum. One of the last footy related conversations I remember having with her was when I was in hers and SkySportsNews was on. Out of nowhere she just casually remarked “oh there he is, Catweasel. Can’t stand him”. I looked at the screen and there’s Will Hughes with his white hair and beard. 

 

I have no idea what her beef with him was but the Catweasel reference absolutely creased me up. Some of you won’t have a clue what that is, but Catweasel was a wrestler in the 80s. This is him….

 

catweazle.jpg

 

Anyway, *emotional sigh*, moving on.

 

Lukaku is back in the Chelsea side and he’s scoring goals, which is a little ominous ahead of the cup final. He bagged twice against Wolves, the first from an iffy penalty. I’m  not saying it wasn’t a pen but you probably aren’t getting that more than half the time. He put the spot kick away well and then quickly added a second with a fine finish.

 

Chelsea were sloppy in the second half though, missing chances and looking vulnerable at the back. Trincao scored a belter on the counter attack and then seven minutes into stoppage time Coady snatched a point when he went forward in open play and got his head on the end of a cross from Chiquino, who looks like he might give them the pace and thrust they’ve been lacking since Adama Traore left.

 

Chelsea were wide open to counter attacks though and if we can get ourselves ahead at Wembley we could pick them off to our hearts content if they play like this. They won’t though because they always play well against us, the Everton enabling cunts.

 

Remember not so long ago when Brentford looked like they were in trouble? Look at them now, safe as houses. They’ve won six of their last nine games. Who saw that coming? Goals from Jansson and Wissa in quick succession gave them an early lead over Southampton and they ran out comfortable winners as Ajer added a third late on.

 

They’ve had a great first season in the top flight and hopefully they can go and win at Goodison this weekend just to keep the Blues sweating a bit longer.

 

How weird are Southampton though? You just have no idea what you’re going to get from them. They drew twice with City but if they were to lose 10-0 at the weekend no-one would even bat an eyelid. Completely mad team that is.

 

Have you seen the chin on that Broja? Jesus Christ. I can’t believe I’ve gone a whole season without noticing it because that thing is fucking huge. He looks like the love child of Jimmy Hill and Ming the Merciless. That chin should have its own post code.

 

Sunday saw the inevitable City bounce back game. Anyone thinking there was any chance that Newcastle were getting anything other than a massive hiding at the Etihad hasn’t been paying attention. There are some games where there is at least some potential that City might be caught out, but there are others where the only question is how many will they win by. This was one of those.

 

They won by five. I didn’t watch any of it and don’t even know who scored. Fuck City and fuck Newcastle.  As mentioned above, Everton won at Leicester. Again, fuck Everton and fuck Leicester. Fuck Brendan too and his inability to set up a team to defend corners.

 

Unlike Leicester, West Ham bounced back from their European disappointment by thumping Norwich at Carrow Road. Benrahma scored twice and Antonio added another to give the Hammers a big half time lead. They eased off after the break and had to settle for just the one more goal, a pen from Lanzini.

 

Moyes spoke afterwards about how desperate they are to qualify for Europe again and I actually found that quite refreshing. His players have obviously bought into it too as this was a good professional display from them. Moyes is probably going to finish above the Mancs this season, which is fucking great.

 

Arsenal solidified their grip on fourth spot with an edgy 2-1 win over 10 man Leeds. They were gifted the opener by that shit Leeds keeper who took an age to clear and was closed down by Nketiah who gleefully accepted the gift. That keeper is a fucking liability. Seems to make howlers every other week. He makes loads of boss saves too but what’s the point when you’re throwing them in as regularly as he is? 

 

Nketiah didn’t celebrate because he had a loan spell at Leeds. Soon after he scored again and this time he did celebrate. Make your fucking mind up. 

 

Ayling was then red carded for a wild two footed challenge on Martinelli. Raphinha was booked for arguing about it and needed to be dragged away from the ref twice more to prevent him getting a second yellow. I wouldn’t mind if he had a point, but fucking hell that’s a red card all day.

 

Llorente pulled a goal back to set up a tense finale where Leeds went close to drawing level. Arsenal blowing that would have been beyond funny and would have at least added a little something for us to enjoy on what has been a shitty week.

 

Onto midweek now. Leicester won when it no longer matters and they were only playing Norwich anyway. Even they couldn’t fuck that one up. Pricks.

 

Vardy’s deflected strike set them on their way and he added another not long after. Maddison wrapped it up with a goal against his old club. Initially he put the hands up to say he wasn’t celebrating, then he just couldn’t help himself. I’d have been more shocked if he hadn’t to be honest.

 

Wednesday night was depressing as fuck. City beat Wolves easily. I watched most of it but have nothing to say. Watford’s reserves held Everton to a goalless draw which is probably the best we could have hoped for there. At least the Blues didn’t get a win, but they still extended their advantage over Leeds by another point because Leeds got spanked by Chelsea after once again going down to ten men. 

 

Jesse Marsch had told his players prior to kick off to draw inspiration from Ghandi and Mother Theresa. Somehow that message of love must have got lost in translation as Dan James was sent off for trying to chop Kovacic in half (Kovacic is now out of the final, which is good news as he’s fucking ace). 

 

That tit cost them £30m. Daylight robbery that. Usually it's the mancs being robbed, not doing the robbing. I’m not saying he’s shit because he isn’t, but he looks like a Championship player and they’ve massively overpaid for him.

 

Chelsea ran out comfortable winners and Lukaku got himself in the goals again. For all his struggles this season he worries me more than any other Chelsea forward this weekend.

 

Leeds are fucked now because James is suspended, Raphinha and Harrison both went off injured and my boy Bamford is only just back in training. How are they even going to pick up another point, let alone enough to save themselves? Sad times. Not because Leeds are going down, but because Everton will stay up because of it.

 

Thursday night at ;east brought me some cheer as Arsenal went the full Arsenal in the North London derby. They’re shit and nothing will change my mind on that. Playmobil Pep had a right titty lip on afterwards and went down the "I prefer not to speak" Mourinho route. He had no case whatsoever to be pissed off at the decisions that went against them. The ref was right.

 

Kane scored twice and Son got one to draw within striking distance of Mo fo the Golden Boot. He proper saw his arse when Conte subbed him though. Smiley happy Sonny let the mask slip there. Cunt.

 

If it's annoying to me that Spurs are behind them when they’re so clearly a better side, then Spurs fans must be fucking infuriated by it. I can relate. It’s like a few years ago when we were behind Mourinho’s United even though they were nowhere near our level. I kept looking at the table and wondering "how??". Spurs fans must be like that right now.

 

Spurs are clearly better than Arsenal but they took too long to get going and now they need a favour from someone else as the top four isn’t in their own hands. Those teams they're relying on? Newcastle and Everton. Yeah good luck with that.

 

It's Arsenal though so they'll probably fuck it up.

 

But then it's Spurs, so they'll probably fuck it up. 


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The 80’s wrestler nicked the monicker Catweazle of this tv character from the early 70’s. He does have a look of Hughes although he was probably a better player than him.

D56A9F8F-E241-4ED0-9AF9-F4BC30B798A9.jpeg

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Top, top "East Lancashire urban development strategy" analysis there, Dave.

 

There should be more teams like Southampton and fewer like Leicester (that's enough analysis - Analysis Ed.)

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10 hours ago, sir roger said:

The 80’s wrestler nicked the monicker Catweazle of this tv character from the early 70’s. He does have a look of Hughes although he was probably a better player than him.

D56A9F8F-E241-4ED0-9AF9-F4BC30B798A9.jpeg

Top player, full of electrickery.

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Everton will stay up now and as I said, I’m proper gutted about. Way more gutted than I thought I’d be. It’s on Chelsea, Leicester (who let’s not forget the other week choked and conceded a stoppage time goal at Goodison), United and Arsenal. Those are the cunts who have allowed this to happen, the Lampard enabling wankers. Fuck each and every one of them. This is a grudge I won’t forget any time soon.

 

I agree with you 100% I include Newcastle in that list because they also shat the bed against Everton at a time when everyone was on their dick for how well they were doing and how they were form-wise the third-best team in the league uck them and every club that you mentioned.

 

If Chelsea beat Everton when Burnley came from behind against Watford they would have been dead and buried but none of those fucks can be depended on to beat one of the worst Everton teams in history. 

 

Like you I'm going to be upset for a long time about this 

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