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Premier League Round Up (May 14-19 2022)

We won a trophy, City finally slipped up, Everton were dragged back into the relegation mire and Arsenal went the full Arsenal to gift wrap a Champions League place to their most hated rivals. I’ve had worse weekends!

 

I’ll start at Goodison because that’s where most of the fun was. It started with their fans pulling that stupid “fireworks outside the team hotel” shite. They did it against Chelsea and won the game, so they figured they’d do it against when Brentford came to town. You shouldn’t provoke Bees because when they get angry or feel threatened they sting. 

 

Evertonians have spent years mocking our support. The banners, the chants, the pyro, the greeting of the team coach before big games… “Kopite behaviour” they called it while they scoffed. Now look at them. They’ve embraced all of it. 

 

Frankly it’s hilarious. We’re greeting coaches before we play in massive European games or league fixtures that could decide the title. They’re doing it against Brentford as they look to stay out of the bottom three. It’s world’s apart isn’t it. I almost pity them. Almost.

 

How can you pity them when they carry on the way they do though? Going to the Brentford team hotel in the early hours of the morning is just embarrassing. What’s worse is how many of them were bragging about it like it was some kind of achievement. 

 

Still, it all adds to the comedy, especially when they lose the game, have two players sent off and then Brentford’s official twitter account (as well as their captain) trolled them on twitter. This shit only ever happens to Everton.

 

What makes it all the more amusing is they were ahead and well on top. Calvert-Lewin deflected in a feeble shot by Richarlison to put them ahead and it was all going swimmingly. Richarlison ran off celebrating while Calvert-Lewin was telling anyone who would listen that it was his goal. 

 

Then, the Premier League led conspiracy to send Everton down reared its ugly head again. How are people not seeing this? It’s so obvious that everyone is conspiring against the Blues. Frank should write another letter. Or maybe get his mates in the cabinet to order an inquiry.

 

The Gwladys Street howled for a penalty as Richarlison tussled with a defender. Michael Oliver waved it away and Brentford launched a ball over the top where Branthwaite accidentally tangled with Toney and brought him down.

 

It was completely inadvertent and unavoidable, but it is a red card. I don’t agree with it and if I made the rules it wouldn’t be a sending off, but that’s just how it is. He denied a goalscoring opportunity and more often than not you’ll get sent off in that scenario. 

 

A disconsolate Branthwaite made his way off the field, with Calvert-Lewin there with an arm around his shoulder and what looked like a comforting word in his ear. Bet it wasn't. No doubt he was saying “that was my goal you know, it skimmed my chest”. Tit.

 

For the red card to come seconds after them not getting a penalty just made them even more rabid. Oliver apparently has it in for Everton because he’s a…. wait for it….  Newcastle fan. What’s that got to do with Everton you may ask. Well, apparently Newcastle hate Everton so Oliver wants them down.

 

Do Newcastle hate Everton though? I know Everton hate Newcastle because Gary Speed thought the Geordies were a bigger club than them, but is that hatred reciprocated? As far as I can tell, the only thing about Everton that sets the Geordies off is that Pickford tit, and let’s be honest that’s something we can all relate to.

 

Ask Newcastle fans who they’d rather beat, us or Everton, and I’d be staggered if any said the Blues. Yet Michael Oliver is apparently on a mission to get them relegated because of this long standing Newcastle / Everton bad blood. 

 

So they’re down to ten men but they have the lead. Not for long. Wissa equalises but then Everton are awarded a soft pen when Richarlison was sandwiched between two defenders. The foul was committed by some big lolloping dope I’ve never seen before. He’d already been booked and Everton wanted him sent off for that second one. 

 

No way was that a bookable offence though. There’s not much in that, even though that Richarlison cunt was rolling around like he had broken ribs. He recovered quickly enough to convert the pen and restore their lead.

 

Brentford soon subbed that big shit centre back before he was sent off. Beck I think he’s called. What a loser….

 

Quick point of order here. If Michael Oliver wanted to screw Everton why did he give them that penalty?

 

Wissa’s brilliant near post header from a corner drew Brentford level and minutes later Rico Henry flew in at the back post top plant a header past Prickford. 

 

So just like that Everton went from safety back to trouble. Two quick goals conceded and then another red card, this time for Rondon who launched into a two footed challenge.

 

While this was happening, Leeds were scoring a late equaliser to secure a point that may yet prove vital. Probably not, I still think they’re fucked but you never know. 

 

Here’s the potential twist in this tale. Leeds end the season by facing….. Brentford. A team who now have genuine beef with Everton. What better way to troll the Blues than by losing to Leeds? Come on Brentford, you know it makes sense.

 

Leeds are dangling on the edge of the cliff and they almost slid off it by losing at home to Brighton. That would have pretty much condemned them but they just about managed to reach up and grab hold of a rock. Now hopefully this weekend they can pull themselves to safety and send Everton catapulted over that cliff instead. I know I shouldn't do it to myself but I can't help it. It's so tantalisingly close.

 

Leeds started brightly in this game but didn’t score. Less than two minutes in Gelhardt saw a goal bound shot hit his team-mate in the face on the line and rebound to safety. That’s when you know it’s not your day! Then they conceded a goal to Danny Welcrap. That’s when you REALLY know it’s not your day. Well taken goal to be fair, but the sun even shines on a dog’s arse somedays.

 

Leeds gave it a right go in the second half but the Brighton keeper Sanchez was quality. I like him, he’s good. Brighton should have finished them off but Welcrap reverted to type and headed wide from five yards out, the absolute bum.

 

And then in the third minute of injury time Leeds finally scored. Brilliant footwork by Gelhardt and then Struijk calmly headed in at the far post. They might have my boy Bamford back for the final game too. Imagine if he scored the goal that sent Everton down. We’d all be going Wild in the Streets.

 

Already doomed Watford had a new manager in the stadium for their game with Leicester. The Hodge was still in charge of the team though, which seems a bit pointless, which co-incidentally is what Watford are for about the last fucking three months.

 

They also had about eight new players. Or at least that’s how it looked when I saw their team sheet. I’ve made this point before so it shouldn’t really surprise me, yet it always does. How is it that every time Watford play they manage to wheel out two or three players we’ve never seen before? 

 

They must have a squad of about a hundred fucking players. Even that Dan Gosling jabroni plays for them now. Did any of you know that? Where’s he been all season?

 

Ismaela Sarr has had a shit season after a bright beginning and this week he threw his support behind his homophobic team-mate Idrissa Guaye at PSG. Yeah that’s one lad we won’t be signing any time soon. He’ll probably end up with the Mancs and they’ll pay about £60m for him, because that’s what they do. They buy shit cunts for lots of money.

 

Leicester fell behind to goal from a corner, because that’s what they do. And then Watford conceded five goals to lose the game, because that’s what they do.

 

Maddison, Barnes (two) and Vardy (two) gave Leicester a rare win and merely made me loathe them even more after they let Everton beat them last week. All these Everton enabling cunts like Leicester, Arsenal, United and Chelsea can get to fuck.

 

Nice to see Vardy with something to smile about though. It’s been a rough week for him because of his fucking lunatic wife dragging his name through the mud and subjecting him to the embarrassment of being drawn by the court sketch artist.

 

vardy.jpeg

 

Back to the top of the table now. For weeks now the two games I’d been looking at as possible banana skins for City were Wolves away and West Ham away. They were likely to win both but there was definitely the potential for them to drop points in those fixtures. I didn’t see any other games where it might go wrong for them and I still don’t. I’m not relying on Villa as I never would, but you never know.

 

The reason I thought those fixtures could be tricky for City is because this league is made up of two types of teams. Those who are beaten before they even take to the field, and those who are prepared to give it a go. Wolves gave it a go but came up well short so that just left us with West Ham. And they delivered. 

 

The first half was a great demonstration of what teams who aren’t us need to do to have success against City. Defend well, but don’t obsess about it and look to counter any time the opportunity arises. 

 

That’s how you can hurt them. It won’t work all the time because City are really fucking good and a lot of the time they’ll just win anyway. But you can give yourself a chance by playing with your heads and your hearts.

 

West Ham did it, probably just because it was Mark Noble’s swansong and they wanted to see him off in style. 

 

Bowen scored twice in the first half as City were all at sea defensively. Two very good finishes from a player who has had a great season. You can see why Klopp likes him, but I can’t see any place in the squad for him as we’re already top heavy in the forward line. Even with Div leaving and maybe Taki too, is Bowen going to be happy at being sixth in line? Maybe if one of the others unexpectedly leave then we’d look at it, but personally if that happens I’d be throwing £40m and a quid at Arsenal to activate Saka’s non-CL release clause. I wouldn’t be unhappy with Bowen though.

 

West Ham led at the break but you knew City would come back at them and therefore seeing out the first 10 minutes of the half was crucial. They didn’t even see out the first one!

 

Grealish scored right after the restart with a deflected shot (these cunts are turning into Mourinho’s Chelsea with all these deflected goals) and the second half was mostly City pressing for an equaliser and the Hammers holding on. 

 

Mind you, Antonio had a great chance to make it 3-1 when he latched onto a woeful Fernandinho back pass. He did what I’ve been advocating for months, he chipped the keeper. That’s good, but the execution was fucking pitiful. Getting the ball over the keeper is the difficult part. Once you’d done that you have the entire goal to aim for. Antonio got it over the keeper but put it miles wide. The tit. His 'my boy' status is revoked. Not sure he ever had it, I think at one point he did but whatever, he’s out of the circle now.

 

Coufal then headed into to his own net to draw City level as we all just awaited the inevitable City winner that would put us out of our misery. West Ham were still having a go though and Bowen was close to a hat-trick only for his goal bound shot to be deflected just wide.

 

And then it happened. Dawson clumsily tripped Jesus in the box and although Anthony Taylor waved it away, as soon as they showed the replay you knew what was coming. It’s a definite pen.

 

Mahrez stepped up and Fabianski made a great save. It didn’t look anything special from the side angle, but when you see from behind the goal it’s fucking boss. It’s not a great height for a keeper as it’s quite high and he’s at full stretch to reach it. But reach it he did, and City dropped two points. What that means for us we’ll find out on Sunday, but at least we’ve been able to take it to the last game.

 

It’s funny because at the end of this game I was disappointed. A little deflated even. If only they could have held on. Then, the next day, I realised that they didn’t need to hold on for the win. 2-1 or 2-2 made absolutely no difference to us. A draw was as good as a West Ham win because the goal difference thing was problematic.

 

If we had to go to Southampton needing to win by five or six we may have ended up making a bollocks of it and not playing our normal game. Klopp may have been tempted to play some lads who shouldn’t be playing because they need a rest. It would have been a futile chase so West Ham drawing actually took that scenario away, which for me is a good thing. 

 

So all of a sudden that Mahrez penalty miss started to look like it might be significant. Probably not, but whatever happens fair play to West Ham for having a go. 

 

They beat us too let’s not forget. And reached a Europa League semi final. It’s been a good season for Moyes and his team and they deserve to finish 6th so hopefully that works out for them this Sunday.

 

Noble ends his career sixth on the all time appearance lists for West Ham but it wasn’t a good weekend for him because we booed the national anthem. “Nobes” loves his dear awl mum and the only thing that comes close to that is his love for Queen and Country. Him and Scott ‘Scotty’ Parker fought and died for this country in WW2 don’t forget.

 

Joking aside, I like Mark Noble. Always have. Good player, good pro, seems like a decent fella who loves his club (and her Majesty, Gawd bless 'er). Good luck to him in his retirement though.

 

Spurs looked like they had something of a hangover at home to Burnley. Understandable as the North London derby a few days earlier will have taken a toll and Burnley aren’t a team you want to face when you’re not at full throttle. At least they aren’t since Dyche left.

 

Burnley did alright and Ashley Barnes hit the post with a great effort. He’s a guilty pleasure of mine. I like watching him but I totally get why loads of people hate him. He just epitomises Burnley for me, he’s a throwback to the 80s.

 

The only goal of the game came from the spot after the ball hit the outstretched arm of my boy Barnes. Technically his arm is maybe in an unnatural position but I really don’t like seeing pens given for that. Especially when it helps Everton. 

 

Kane scored, he always does. If there is one player in world football who I’d want taking a penalty if my life depended on it, it’d probably be him. Partly because he’s so good, and partly because I hate him already so if he missed I could yell “See? You’re a cunt, I always said you were”. I wouldn’t want to think badly of Mo or Milner or any of our lads, so Kane would be perfect.

 

Two teams I’ll be supporting this weekend met at Villa Park as Stevie’s Villa (who play City) took on Vieira’s Palace (who play United).

 

Palace had the better of it but couldn’t convert their chances into goals and they fell behind when Watkins slid home at the back post.  Palace deservedly levelled late on through Schlupp though. Vieira is on the shortlist for manager of the year. It’s not often I get something wrong but I’ll hold my hands up on that one, he's been good. And whisper it, he might be a better manager than Stevie.

 

That’s an interesting discussion I think. All those legendary midfielders from that era have dabbled in management. Keane had some success and some failures and now seems completely unemployable. Didn’t Scholes manage Oldham and wasn’t he pure shite? Or did I dream that? Lampard is turd, so that just leaves Stevie and Vieira. Unless you count Scott ‘Scotty’ Parker, which unless you’re Stuart Pearce no-one does. It’s too early to judge between Vieira and Gerrard but they both look like they’ve got enough about them to be around for a while.

 

Wolves ended their home season with a disappointing 1-1 draw with Norwich. Not good that. Wolves have been an utter irrelevance this season. Not good enough to matter, not bad enough to ever be in trouble.

 

Tell you who has been shit this season though. Timo Pukki. He’s scored 10 goals but he should have had 30. There’s a lot to like about his game and his movement is great. He finds space and gets chances all the time, despite playing in an awful team. His finishing is risible though. Every fucking week on MOTD I see him missing chances. 

 

He missed two great chances in this before finally scoring. Even then he needed a deflection off Coady to do it, otherwise he’d have probably missed the target again. He’ll score 25 next year in the Championship though. He’s Finland’s Rob Earnshaw.

 

Onto Arsenal now. Did anyone expect them to do anything except lose at Newcastle? Few results this season seemed more certain than that to me. After they lost at Spurs you just knew Arsenal were bottling it and their performance at St James’ Park was pitiful.

 

Or as Jules described it on the podcast - “Pure distilled Arsenal. If you’d opened your window and sniffed the air you could smell that Arsenal performance all the way from St James’ Park”.

 

Arsenal are exactly who I said they were. Flaky, spineless, shithouses who are nowhere near as good as they think they are. All the hype around them this season was laughable. They play some fancy footy, have some players with a modicum of talent, but when the heat is on they melt like snow on a sunny winters morning.

 

And yet they may still get fourth because would it really be that shocking if Spurs found a way to lose to Norwich? In fact, the more likely scenario this weekend is that Spurs and Arsenal both lose.

 

 

Update:

 

Thursday night.

 

For fuck’s sake. Fuck off Palace you bottling cunts. Only for the fact you’ve done well against City I’d be on my way to Selhurst right now to burn the fucking place down. You absolute pricks. Fuck off. Bottleless gets.

 

The pitch invasion by the Blues was just the cringiest thing you’ll see all season though. They’re such embarrassing fucking cunts it’s hard to believe we share a city. They couldn’t be any more different to us, it’s just completely bizarre. We come from the same families, the same circles of friends, but Everton just turns them into some kind of weird fucking mutants. I can't ever imagine acting like they do and if i did I'd quickly just give up football altogether.

 

I don't know why they bother, it brings them nothing but misery and even the moments when they're happy - like tonight - are still really fucking shit because they're celebrating just about not being one of the three worst teams in the league. It's a pitiful, wretched existence and relegation - and a winding up order - would be doing them a kindness.

 

But they’re safe now and I’m not gonna lie, I’m fucking gutted. I really got my hopes up on this, especially when Palace went 2-0 up and Burnley took the lead at Villa. I don’t even know how Burnley ended up and I don’t care as it doesn’t matter now. I don’t give a fuck who goes down out of Burnley and Leeds either. Not arsed. Fuck both of them. If they’d won more games Everton would be down.

 

I still blame Chelsea more than anyone though, That was the game that really fucked everything up as they were five points adrift that day until Chelsea rolled over for them. I hope Abramovich screws them for every fucking penny they owe him and they end up going out of business now, the Everton enabling fucking bell ends.

 

One thing I learned from tonight though, I won’t be getting my hopes up on Sunday no matter what happens. If Villa went 3-0 up at the Etihad I’d still be expecting City to win 4-3. It’s the hope that kills you so I’m going to be a hope free zone this weekend. I wanted them down so badly I’d willingly hand back the FA Cup in return for it. Probably the League Cup too. Gutted.


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Frustrating evening. Saw the scores at halftime and thought at the very least it would be going down to the final day for Everton. Hopefully the promoted teams are better next season. Watford and Norwich have been so bad that Everton ultimately only had to avoid 1 available relegation place in the end. But this did feel like a golden opportunity to get rid of them. I genuinely think they'd have gone if Chelsea had even managed a draw at Goodison. They were so deflated going into that game after Burnley had scored 2 late goals at Watford the previous day, that I don't think they'd have recovered if momentum hadn't instantly swung back in their favour. United and Arsenal deserve their fair share of the blame for keeping them up, but for those 2 teams you could at least say that their performances at Goodison weren't exactly atypical in comparison to various other performances this year. Chelsea, on the other hand, would have won comfortably if they'd produced a performance that had even vaguely matched their general standards. 

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On the very odd occasion we have someone run on the pitch we get a laugh when that gave the fingers to Messi. There's is all about trying to get a reaction from aggressive and racist taunts. Cunts 

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3 hours ago, DalyanPete said:

On the very odd occasion we have someone run on the pitch we get a laugh when that gave the fingers to Messi. There's is all about trying to get a reaction from aggressive and racist taunts. Cunts 

That was a ballboy.

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