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Premier League Round Up (Jun 23-25 2020)

It’s hard to be arsed about any of this in the week when we finally ended our 30 year title drought, but the season doesn’t stop just because we’ve won it. I expect our lads to continue putting in maximum effort until the end of the season and therefore so will I. 

 

So, while I appreciate that you probably don’t give a shit about West Ham losing to Spurs or Bournemouth’s perilous slide towards the Championship continuing apace, I have a job to do here and given that I’ve always had a work ethic that makes Dirk Kurt look like Homer Simpson (stop laughing at the back) the show must go on.

 

There’s only one place to begin this. Stamford Bridge. An empty Stamford Bridge, which was great because it meant that there were no Chelsea fans there to sing about Steven Gerrard all night. You know they’d have been banging that one out for the entire 90 minutes, just to try and sour our moment of glory. Not that anything could, but still, it was nice not having to listen to them.

 

Chelsea were the thorn in our side in 2014 and they’ve dined out on it ever since (which is actually fair enough, it’s all the other fuckers who had nothing to do with it yet jumped on the Demba Ba song that really pissed me off). So this was a nice situation. Their fans won’t have wanted their team to be the ones who confirmed us as Champions, but it was a really important game for them and they needed the points.

 

Lampard’s men carried out his gameplan well and fully deserved their win. There were a lot of encouraging signs for Chelsea but it’s funny because nobody, absolutely nobody, gave a fuck about how they played. Normally after a win like this the conversation would be about how Chelsea look like they’re a coming force and what a good job Frank is doing. They weren’t even an afterthought really.

 

All of the talk afterwards was rightly about the new Champs. Chelsea barely even got a mention. It was well over an hour after full time that BT eventually showed a post match interview with Lampard. In the meantime, it had been all about the Champs.

 

Even the next day Talksport was wall to wall Liverpool, to the extent that loads of listeners were texting, calling and tweeting in kicking off about it. Glorious. We don’t even need to rub anyone’s noses in it because the media coverage is causing meltdown’s up and down the country.

 

Chelsea should be encouraged by how their team played and this was a huge win for them under the circumstances. United and Wolves were breathing down their necks and if they’d lost they’d have been on the brink of dropping to 6th, but you’d think that this result and performance cements them as firm favourites for a top four spot. They’ll probably get third actually as they’re only a point behind Leicester now, who’ve looked shite since the break.

 

This result wasn’t too surprising as it was City’s most difficult game other than when they play us. Prior to us smashing Palace on the Tuesday night I full expected City to win. After the statement made by our lads at Anfield though I began to get a sneaky feeling that City would falter. 

 

They’ve been dominant since the restart but they lost Aguero for the rest of the season and with us playing so well against Palace it had to have had some impact on City. They knew they weren’t going to catch us anyway, but after our draw at Goodison they might have felt they could prolong it a bit longer and make us sweat a bit.

 

So seeing us looking so formidable against Palace, they must have known once and for all it was over. Guardiola was even talking about resting players for the FA Cup this weekend. He didn’t exactly follow through on that but even in the absence of Aguero he did leave Jesus on the bench.

 

Additionally, he included Mendy at left back and that’s enough to weaken most sides in fairness. He plays football like he acts on social media. Doesn’t seem to take anything seriously. His defending for Chelsea’s opener was comical. Future Arsenal player there if I ever saw one. What a fucking clown. 

 

Credit to Pulisic though, he took it really well. The little “slow and go” move was vintage Torres. Arl Fernando perfected that before he just went shit and it became “slow and slower”. Lovely goal though from Klopp’s former protege; the balance and the finish, just lovely.

 

I didn’t celebrate it too much. I may have said “get in” and made an ironic “Captain America” comment (usually I fucking hate that) but I wasn’t overly excited. I’m not entirely sure why but I think it’s because the title has been a foregone conclusion for a long time in my eyes.

 

If Chelsea couldn’t hold on then no biggie, we’d win it soon enough anyway. Of course I wanted to win it as soon as possible though. Some may have preferred to win it at City next week. Yeah obviously that would have been sound, but fuck that. I’d rather win it in record time and then have them applaud us onto the Etihad pitch next week, but the stakes weren’t really that high in my eyes as we won this title months and months ago.

 

That would explain why I wasn’t especially deflated when De Bruyne equalised. Great strike but sorry, Alisson doesn’t let that beat him. I find myself saying that a lot, which is a combination of Alisson being great and most other keepers being… well, not so great. 

 

Kepa is young so may go on to become one of the best, but he’s not very good right now is he? If Abramovich is indeed splashing the cash again then the first thing he should do is sign Oblak. Let’s hope he doesn’t.

 

Anyway, City’s equaliser lifted them and they had a good spell in which Sterling hit the post. Had he squared it Mahrez had an open goal but he went for glory himself and blew it. 

 

Following that let off Chelsea weathered the storm, if you can call it that - it was more of a mild breeze really - and always looked dangerous when they attacked. They just didn’t really attack much for some reason. Maybe because they couldn’t get the ball. It’s not easy against a Guardiola side. The good thing is now though that a lot of teams who play City don’t need much of the ball to hurt them.

 

When Chelsea did win it back the counter attack was on every time. Pulisic ran City ragged and Willian was quality. If we can’t get a shit hot wide forward this summer then we could probably do worse than Willian on a free to give us much needed depth. He wouldn’t be my first choice by any means, but he’d definitely add SOMETHING if we couldn’t land one of the stellar names out there. Can’t see it though.

 

The pace and skill of Mount and Pulisic combined with the energy and nous of Willian gave Chelsea a real threat on the break all night and City never looked comfortable. Their goal led a charmed life at times.

 

Pulisic should have restored Chelsea’s lead when he raced clear, rounded the keeper and then produced a real wet wipe of a finish that took an age to reach the goal and allowed Walker to get back and clear. You have to credit Walker for the sense of desire and urgency he showed to get back so quickly. It was as though someone told him the knocking shops were about to open again.

 

It was all a bit surreal to me because most of my mates were kicking every ball and stressing out over Chelsea’s near misses, but I couldn’t have been any calmer. I genuinely wasn’t really arsed because if City went on to win it didn’t really mean anything.

 

I just kept thinking “imagine if we didn’t have a huge lead and this game actually meant something”. It would have been unbearable. Last season was stressful enough but this would be ten times worse. As it was, with a 23 point lead I had a serenity about me that is never normally there when watching City.  

 

So when there was an almighty scramble when it seemed certain that Chelsea would score only for City to somehow get the danger cleared, I was actually laughing. I can imagine most of you will have been on the verge of a heart attack at that moment, but personally I just found it funny and shrugged. What will be will be.

 

I didn’t even have a clue that Fernandinho had handled until I saw a Chelsea player going mad and chasing the ref. Then they announced the VAR review and you could tell by the guilty look on Fernandinho’s face that he knew he was done for. 

 

The replay showed a clear, deliberate handball and the worst case scenario now was that even if Chelsea missed the pen they’d still be playing against ten men. So all of a sudden, the title was suddenly within our grasp.

 

Willian buried the pen and we all knew then. Game over, and I love saying that. City weren’t scoring twice with only ten men. It was done. We finally had our title and all that was left was for the game to play out.

 

To their credit, City still looked like they were trying to get back into it even though they had no chance. I don’t think there’s too much wrong with them that a couple of new defenders wouldn’t solve, but that’s eight defeats for them this season now. Unthinkable back in August when this all started.

 

They set the benchmark over recent seasons. What they did points wise in their last two title wins hadn’t been done before. They averaged 99 points over that period. Staggering. That meant that for us to overhaul them we’d have become the greatest side this country had ever seen. And guess what, that’s exactly what we did. 

 

We’re light years ahead of everyone else now, even City, but that could change. I don’t see anybody else threatening us any time soon but City still might. We’re 23 points ahead of them but we’re not 23 points better than them, if that makes sense. They’ve lost games they wouldn’t normally lose and it’s entirely conceivable that next season they get back to the level they were previously.

 

And yet it’s also conceivable that they won’t. David Silva is off, Aguero is another year older, Fernandinho is on his last legs and who knows what will happen if that ban is upheld. Maybe De Bruyne and Sterling will want out? 

 

Then again, maybe with FFP rules possibly relaxed due to the current situation they will just go out and spend a billion quid and rebuild the team. If they signed Koulibaly as has been mooted today then that immediately solves their biggest problem. 

 

The big thing though is Guardiola. While he’s there they’re a big threat. If they go back to the likes of Pellegrini and Mancini type managers they’ll never catch us while we still have Klopp.

 

Guardiola’s City have been one of the greatest sides this country has seen but they needed some friendly officiating to finish above us last season and now they’re 23 points behind us. What does that say about us? It says we’re the best ever, that’s what.

 

Ok, who’s next. May as well get the other mancs out of the way I suppose. Their 3-0 win over Sheffield United has me thinking that the Blades might not pick up another point. They had to wheel out Phil Jagielka (complete with mid-life crisis bleached blonde hairdo) along with some jabroni keeper who replaced the ineligible Henderson.

 

Martial scored all three goals and I saw he was trending on Twitter. Couldn’t help myself, I needed to see what kind of delusions of grandeur were coming from the smartphones of @Carrick_Philosophy, @CollossalMaguire and all those other Fifa generation virgins.

 

I wasn’t disappointed. It was mostly nonsense comparing him to Firmino. Here’s a selection (all of these are genuine, I haven’t made any of them up).

 

“Martial has more PL hat-tricks than Firmino has league goals at home in the last 15 months”

 

“Don’t ever compare Martial to bums like Lacazette and Firmino again”

 

“Martial slander from people who have Giroud, Lacazette and Firmino as their strikers. No shame whatsoever.”

 

“Hat-trick for Martial and Firmino disaster class with 0 G/A on the same day I’m hearing?”

 

“Martial over that “defensive” striker Firmino all day long”

 

“Martial just scored more home goals in one game than Firmino has managed all season.”

 

“#MUNSHU martial > firmino once again”

 

Cool, when’s the parade? You sad, low standards, how the mighty have fallen fucking whoppers.

 

This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been banging on about with United fans. It’s dead funny because they just don’t get it though. They don’t see it. They have no idea what they’ve become.

 

They’re just clinging onto these completely irrelevant little stats and factoids and using them to convince themselves they’re getting closer. Firstly, Martial isn’t better than Firmino, but even if he was, so fucking what? Does that seriously make you feel better about the fact that your team is *checks table* 37 points behind us? I guess it must do, or why do it?

 

We probably (definitely?) did similar shit over the years but thankfully we were mostly doing it on our own forums and not on social media for the whole world’s amusement. 

 

We’ve already had the Maguire > Van Dijk cringefest and the AWB > Trent nonce off, and it looks like Martial v Bobby is now a thing for them. Can’t wait until Dan James scores against Norwich and is suddenly catapulted into the Salah and Mané bracket. Fucking losers.

 

Speaking of losers, the man who most definitely isn’t a loser because “all I do is win” lost again. What an absolute loser. The “formerly Special One” got the better of the “formerly Chosen One” as Spurs won at West Ham.

 

Son thought he’d broken the deadlock just before half time but he was offside by about an inch. In general I’m not a fan of these hairlines decisions but I’m good with that one because it was his standing foot that was offside (as opposed to an armpit or an eyebrow) and because I don’t like Son (“he’s a sly little thing him” © my mum).

 

The Hammers fell behind after the break when the unfortunate Soucek (whoever the fuck he is) put through his own net after the ball hit him from a corner and ricocheted past Fabianski. Kane then wrapped it up when he ran clear from halfway to score his 137th goal in 200 games. Great record that. He’s a great striker, I can’t deny it. He’s massive tit though.

 

Moyes said West Ham played well and they restricted Tottenham. No mate, the only manager who restricted Tottenham is their own, because that’s what he does. You had nothing to do with it.

 

Moyes did have a point when he said VAR should have disallowed the Tottenham opener for handball though. The ball brushes the arm of Sanchez before it hits the defender for the oggy. Prior to this season you’d say that’s never a handball offence but with the rule change you have to say that goal should not have stood. Awful from the VAR ref. Still, never mind, eh?

 

Now that the title is wrapped up if there’s one wish I could have it would be for this deluded fraud, still dining out on the half decent record he had with Everton, to be relegated along with his null and void wanting Tory cunt board. Fuck Moyes.

 

Meanwhile, Wolves continue to put pressure on the top four while Bournemouth continue to ease the pressure on the bottom three. Wait, are Bournemouth actually already in the bottom three?

 

*checks table* 

 

Yep, below West Ham on goal difference. Fucks sake Bournemouth, if you’re the reason West Ham stay up I’ll never forgive you, no matter how much you overpay for our unwanted kids. Get your act together for fuck’s sake.

 

Wolves have given us our two toughest games of the season. I’m not counting the Watford defeat as although you can say they gave us a tough game, it was mainly because we were just shite. We had to play well to beat Wolves both times and they gave us all we could handle.

 

They won this one with a familiar goal. My boy Traore (brilliant again) beating two men on the right and dropping one onto the head of Jimenez who powered it home. Out of them and Leicester you’d have to say that they’re looking much stronger currently.

 

Leicester were held to a draw by Brighton but it could have been worse but for Schmeichel saving a pen from Maupay. Leicester haven’t got going at all yet since the restart and it might cost them that top four spot that at one time looked nailed on. 

 

Tariq Lamptey started for Brighton. You might remember me talking about him before as I saw him a few times playing against our youth teams when he was at Chelsea and he looked sensational. Keep an eye on him.

 

Villa picked up a good point after coming from behind to equalise at Newcastle. Substitute Dwight Gayle (I used to really fucking hate him but he’s nothing to me these days) put the Geordies ahead from a right wing cross by Big Andy, only for Elmohamady to steal in and  equalise with a near post header from a corner. Horrific from the keeper though.

 

Elsewhere, Burnley nearly scored within seconds against Watford but were denied by a smart stop by Foster. They weren’t wasting any time there like, the racists hadn’t even had time to start up the plane. 

 

The Clarets got the only goal of the game through Rodriguez. It takes some of the heat off them and probably secures their place in the league for next year. Watford still have a bit of work to do though.

 

Norwich lost again as Michael Keane’s goal was enough to give Everton the points. Norwich are one of the sides who are going to miss their home crowd the most. With a full house they’d probably have gotten something from this game as Everton are shite. 

 

Speaking of shite, Arsenal actually managed to win a game. It was virtually handed to them on a plate though as Alex McCarthy passed the ball straight to Nketia for the opener. That was what Arsenal needed as their confidence will have been on the floor going into this game. 

 

It got worse when Hoijberg’s terrible pass sent Aubamayeng clear and Stephens brought him down. Red card for him and Arsenal scored from the free-kick when Willock converted a rebound after Lacazette’s shot had been parried.

 

What a missed opportunity that was. Arsenal were ripe for the picking and Southampton should have stepped on their throats. Instead they gave them a hand job.


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Was I alone in thinking Kepa would have actually saved the freekick if he'd just bothered to actually dive properly? Instead he just did a weird sort of flop with his arms at his side. Anyway, agree that he doesn't seem to be very good. Remarkable how little has been made of just how much they paid for him. He cost more than Alisson. They had to do something quickly because they lost Courtois right near the end of the transfer window, but I bet Athletic Bilbao couldn't believe their luck when Chelsea actually agreed to pay his release clause. 

 

 

 

 

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100% agree with your first sentence!

I had the joy of wall to wall Liverpool ex players on Sky Thursday evening and Friday morning, I’m sure the bloos and Mancs were turning off in droves!

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Hey, Dave? I saw you before a game at the beginning of the season to thank you for doing a printed magazine issue and that I'd missed them, and with total confidence you told me there would be another one next year... Well?!

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2 minutes ago, Mikecox1980 said:

Hey, Dave? I saw you before a game at the beginning of the season to thank you for doing a printed magazine issue and that I'd missed them, and with total confidence you told me there would be another one next year... Well?!

They say you should never meet your heroes....

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Yeah I did say that because I knew we'd win one (or both) of the big two trophies this year.

 

There will be a fanzine, but it looks like it will be postal sales only as I don't see us being back at Anfield any time soon.

 

Mind you, last year was mostly postal sales only as the sales at the game were dreadful. Every copy I sold outside Anfield was to a face I recognised from before. Didn't have any 'new' customers at all, just the loyal regulars. Just confirmed that I made the right choice stopping when I did.

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