Ok, the games are coming thick and fast and it’s difficult to keep up. The best way to do this I think it to do the Round Up after each round of fixtures, but because there’s no break in between this means that the next round of games will have started before I can get this out there.
For example, I’m writing this while Leicester and Brighton are playing, and there’s another game after that. Those will be in the next round up, not this one, so bear with me as I’ll try to keep up as best I can.
Right, to kick this one off we go back to last Friday’s game at the new White Hart Lane or whatever the fuck they decided to call it…
*checks google*
Hahahaha Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Fucking hell. Bet they paid a fortune to some marketing dick in a suit to come up with that one too. Christ. If that’s the best they could come up I’d love to hear the suggestions that were rejected.
Anyway, Spurs took the lead against Ole’s resurgent Yernited (mad the way they’ve been talked up lately. They seemed to get better with every week they didn’t play) when Bergwijn sliced thorough the middle of the United defence and beat De Gea with a shot that was straight at him. How many times have we seen that over the last year or two?
Maguire’s ‘defending’ was a sight to behold too, as Bergwijn went round him like he was a cone on the training field, but De Gea’s blunder meant that most people overlooked that. Not Roy Keane. He wanted to murder both of them with his bare hands.
Ok that’s not true. He only wanted to murder De Gea. He’d have been happy enough just slapping Maguire about a bit. I don’t care what people think of Roy Keane, I’m going to come out and say that his assassination of Maguire and De Gea is the best thing I’ve seen since footy came back. It’s an admittedly low bar.
The goal wasn’t really deserved and I thought Spurs were fucking woeful. After going ahead they sat back and tried to ‘Mourinho’ a result out of it. Why are they playing like that when they’ve got talented attacking players and one of the best centre forwards in Europe? That’s a rhetorical question. I know why. We all know why. It’s who he is. He can’t help himself.
Enjoy the next couple of years, Spurs fans, because this is what you can expect on a weekly basis. The football is going to be brutal but Daniel Levy won’t be sacking Jose any time soon as he’ll need to pay him off, and that’s simply not an option with Levy controlling the purse strings.
With Spurs just camped in their own half United were able to apply some pressure but it wasn’t until Pogba arrived that they looked threatening. He was good to be fair. I don’t say that often because I’m not a liar, but credit where it’s due he looked decent in this game.
He played one terrific through ball that caused a collective orgasm among his army of twitter virgins. They’ll be showing the gif of that for the next decade in response to anything and everything, because that’s what the Fifa generation do. It’s not just United fans, but they might just be the worst for it.
Arsenal are bad too, you only have to see how many times that gif of Pepe sort of slightly not really dribbling past Virgil has been posted. But United fans seem to be the specialists in celebrating minor moments and making out that they’re much more significant than they actually are.
When Henderson lifts the Premier League trophy you’ll see underneath a clip of Pogba playing that pass along with the comment “yeah but can he do this?”.
Kevin De Bruyne will surge past three players, ping a sixty yard ball to Sterling and then race into the box to convert the cross and you’ll see the Pogba pass with the comment “My midfielder > your midfielder”
I’m not even kidding. United fans have gone fucking loopy these last few years since they became shite. They’ve been spoiled and now don’t have a clue how to handle not being successful, so they’re claiming all sorts of little ‘victories’ and embarrassing themselves on social media.
These absolute dangers will big up Wan Bissaka as the best right back in the world just because he slide tackled some fucking slapdick winger from Carlisle or Rotherham in a League Cup tie.
They usually have names like @Tactical_McTominay, @Martialista, @Rashfordology, @Pogba-Fernandez-Goal! or some other cringey shit like that. Cunts.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got the same type of wanker posting the same kind of shit about our players (usually Keita doing a stepover). The difference is we’re miles clear at the top of the table and we’re the reigning World and European Champs so we can do that without looking like our hard drives should be checked.
Actually that’s not true, the Keita obsessives definitely need their hard drives checking too, but I digress.
So yeah, Pogba made the difference after he came on and United drew level when he skipped past the lumbering Dier and then conned his way to a penalty, which was converted by Fernandez, who is surely the most over-rated player since…well since Pogba actually. In fairness Fernandez is actually very good, he’s just been massively overhyped due to United’s midfield having been so fucking bad until he arrived.
Tell you what though, Jon Moss hasn’t lost anything during the lockdown. Either in poundage or incompetence. He was fat and shit before the break and he’s still fat and shit now.
He actually gave two pens to United. One was allowed to stand and the other was overturned by VAR. The truth is neither of them were pens. Pogba dived for the first and Fernandez dived for the second. Thank fuck for VAR or Fernandez would have gotten away with that.
I genuinely don’t get how come more wasn’t made of the Pogba one though. Everyone other than me and Jose seems to have just said “yeah clear penalty, you can’t do that in the box”. Do what? That’s not a foul in a million years. I know Eric Dier is shit but what’s he supposed to do there?
Pogba went past him and then reached back to hold him off. Dier sort of reaches out to move Pogba’s arm out of the way and then Pogba just fell down. Dier doesn’t push or pull him, he doesn’t really do anything at all.
Still, if he had moved his feet in the first place instead of standing there leaden footed like some kind of Harry Maguire tribute act then the penalty incident doesn’t happen.
He’s terrible. Always has been. That’s why I always used to refer to him as Eric Dire until he nailed Sergio Ramos and I felt that he deserved a little bit of respect for that so I started to spell his name correctly.
So God bless him for that horrendous challenge on Ramos but the lad is a terrible football player. Remember when there was a national debate about whether he was better than Henderson? Kinell. Like arguing that (insert any band you like) are better than Bon Jovi. Absolute insanity.
Spurs are now an awful shadow of the side they were under Pochettino. It’s night and day in terms of how they play, but is anyone other than Daniel Levy surprised by that? Why would you appoint that fucker? Busted flush.
Still, it could be worse. They could be Arsenal. Fucking hell. I don’t even get a kick out of them being shit anymore. I’m sure I’ve said this before but it’s been such a long time since I was doing these that it’s worth repeating. I’m actually offended by Arsenal. They’re so spineless, shit and shameless about it that I don’t even enjoy them losing, I actually get fucking irrationally annoyed by it.
They’re a disgrace. They’re the most spineless, self satisfied team I think I’ve ever seen. What they’ve become is not only an insult to what went before, but it’s also an insult to my football sensibilities.
Nothing screams out “losers” more than Arsenal of the past few years. What a pitiful, gutless, cowardly, deluded, arrogant, our shit don’t stink bunch of fucking wasters.
Arteta must be off his fucking head to have his cushy role at City to take that job. Other than some of the kids and maybe Tierney (if he hasn’t already been permanently doused in that Arsenal stink) there is not one player there worth keeping. Not fucking one.
Aubamayeng is the only top player they have but they need to fuck him off while they can still get money for him, because by the time Arsenal are competing again he’ll be long retired, and possibly drawing his pension.
Everyone laughs at some of the Arsenal Fan TV crew and yeah, it’s funny as fuck watching their constant meltdowns. Imagine if you had to watch that team every week though?
That loss at Brighton was just as Arsenal as it gets. Leno went off on a stretcher after a clash with Maupay. He was shouting and pointing at the striker as he left the field. Wasn’t really much in it to be fair, but it was just pure Arsenal that they then went on to allow Maupay to score the winner in stoppage time.
Pepe put the Gunners ahead with a beauty, cutting in from the right and lashing one into the top corner. Maybe now Arsenal fans can replace that ‘beating Van Dijk’ gif? I won’t hold my breath like.
So it was looking for Arsenal but Lewis Dunk scrambled one in from close range with 15 minutes left and then Maupay won it at the death, FIVE minutes into stoppage time. Guendouzi and Mustafi kicked off on Maupay after the final whistle. Again, typical of this Arsenal team, only showing fight after the game is over.
Maupay said afterwards that some of the Arsenal players need to learn humility and he’s fucking bang on there. They do. Arsenal are FUCKING SHITE. Embarrassingly so. Yet they strut around like they’re the fucking Invincibles.
Maupay said one player in particular was running his mouth all game. Turns out its was Guendouzi, who was calling Brighton players shit and boasting about how he and his team-mates earn more than Brighton players ever will. A little surprising that he’s the one doing that but he’s been there a couple of years now, which is long enough for that arrogant loser stench to get on him.
That whole situation sums up Arsenal. They don’t ‘earn’ more than Brighton’s players. They might be paid more, but they sure as hell don’t fucking earn it. And yeah, Brighton’s players are shit (relatively speaking), but guess what, Sideshow Bob junior, those shit players have done the double over you this season. What does that say about YOU??
This is what I’m saying. It’s why Arsenal offend me. It’s not about them not being very good. Spurs aren’t very good currently either, but I don’t find them offensive. No, Arsenal get me angry because they’re a bunch of fucking losers who for some reason still have this superior attitude about themselves.
No wonder my man Troopz fucking hates them all. And now they’ve just given David Luiz a new contract. See? This is what I’m talking about. They just reward failure. There is no hope for them at all. They’re a fucking steaming heap of cow shit that thinks it tastes like a chocolate gateau.
Can’t believe I’ve written so much about Arsenal. I’m angry as fuck even typing this. This is how wound up they get me. I could easily do this for another ten paragraphs as the hate is flowing, but I’ll keep some powder dry as we’ve still got eight games left before the season ends.
So, moving on. Palace looked quite good didn’t they? That doesn’t bode well for us as we take them on tomorrow in an empty Anfield. They were a lot more comfortable at Bournemouth than the 2-0 scoreline suggests.
Milivojevic is something of a dead ball specialist. Usually it’s pens but he takes a mean free-kick too, and he fizzed one into the top corner to give Palace the lead.
Ayew made it 2-0 when he side footed in a cross from my boy Van Aanholt, who earned that status over the lockdown period by taking on that cunt Katie Hopkins on twitter before the vile fascist bitch was permanently banned.
I liked him anyway as he seems like a top lad who has always been complimentary about the Reds, but yeah, he’s defo my boy now. Hopefully he doesn’t make me regret that by shining against us tomorrow.
Interesting that Nice Guy Eddie reckons that playing at home is now a disadvantage. It’s been like that in Germany since the restart with loads of away teams winning, so it’s something to look out for over the next few weeks.
Norwich went into the restart with faint hopes of mounting a great escape. They showed signs of life before the lockdown and had a chance to make a statement with a home game against Southampton, who don’t really have anything to play for.
The Saints murdered them though. They played some lovely stuff and Ingsy looked great didn’t he? On the one hand I think it’d be nice to have someone like him to bring in whenever one of the front three can’t play, but on the other you have to realise that the reason he looks so good now is because he plays all the time. He would never have had that here so he’d never be sharp enough to do himself justice.
Ings, Armstrong and Redmond all got on the scoresheet and it could easily have been more. Norwich’s defending was so bad and their tackling so non-existent they could have been wearing Arsenal shirts and you wouldn’t have known the difference.
Onto Sunday now and Villa lost again. Chelsea’s starting line up was a bit weird, with Giroud and Loftus-Cheek both starting in a front three with Willian. It didn't work and it wasn't until they changed it and got Pulisic on that they looked dangerous.
Villa took the lead through some guy I’d never heard of. Courtney Hause?? New one on me that. Villa seem to have come back from lockdown with half a new starting line up though. Not that it’s made any difference as they’re still shite.
Pulisic then stole in at the back post to equalise and Giroud got the winner minutes later, the big handsome bastard.
Games like this are the ones where you wonder if the lack of a crowd is a big factor, as Villa were standing off Chelsea and letting them play. Would they have been able to hold onto their lead better with 50,000 fans urging them on and encouraging them to press and get stuck in? There’s no way to know for sure, but I definitely think a raucous crowd can lift players maybe 5% at least.
So in relation to Eddie Howe’s point I’d say that playing at home isn’t a disadvantage, but it’s probably not much of an advantage anymore either, especially in games like this when Villa could really have done with all the help they could get.
Newcastle did alright without their ‘best fans in the world’ though didn’t they? Not a result you’d expect but under these circumstances there’s going to be all kinds of mad ones between now and the end of the season.
Saint-Maximin picked up where he left off before lockdown and the Blades struggled to cope with him. He’s like a Poundland Adama Traore, and I mean that as a compliment as I like him, he's exciting to watch. He’s good on Twitter too, got a great sense of humour.
Joelinton went clean through early on and fell over. Twenty odd games without scoring and it showed. He was then booked for going head to head with John Egan, who was also booked. Pair of fucking dickheads. I realise social distancing isn’t really possible in a game of football, but touching foreheads and breathing on each other is the height of stupidity.
Egan then pulled him back when he went through on goal, which was even more stupid. Red card for him, but why would you not just let him go through and take your chances that he’d miss?
I’m being serious. You’ve got to know your opponent and if I’m playing against a striker that hasn’t scored since August or whatever, I’m not going to pull him back and get sent off when I could just let him go through and he'd almost certainly bottle it.
So Egan was off, the Blades were down to ten and soon after they fell behind when Stephens fell over his own feet and Saint Maximin converted at the back post. Ritchie made it 2-0 and then even Joelinton got in on the act to finally break his duck.
Sheffield United have looked rubbish in both games so far though so this break may well end up hurting them more than anyone. They were a win over Villa away from going 5th, which given City’s ban would secure a CL spot. But they couldn’t beat Villa, they were stuffed by Newcastle and it feels like their bubble has now burst and they’ll do well to even stay where they are, let alone finish higher.
Wolves on the other hand, look like they could make a real push for the top four. My boy Adama was left on the bench (strangely, this happens a lot) but within seconds of coming on he had West Ham petrified as he was beating people for fun.
He created the opener with a brilliant cross that was headed home by Jimenez. West Ham doubled up on him but you can’t actually stop him from doing that. If he wants to go on the outside and cross, then he’s going on the outside and he’s crossing. He was involved in the second too. Showing good feet before playing it out wide to Doherty. His cross was superbly volleyed in by that little Neto prick. Great goal that.
As was the goal that put Leicester ahead at Watford. What a fucking hit by Chilwell. Stunning. Hilariously, it wasn’t enough for the three points as Craig Dawson fired in an equaliser a minute later. Fair result as there’s no way Watford deserved to lose the game.
Finally, as expected, City slaughtered Burnley. I didn’t watch it as there was no point. With the lack of intensity we’ve seen in all of the games so far I fully expect City to sweep everyone aside. If you don’t play at your maximum then you’ve got no chance against their possession based game. They just pass pass pass until the opening comes and someone gets a tap in.
Burnley started ok and looked comfortable enough until they conceded and after that they gave up. There are lots of problems at Burnley currently, and I don’t just mean the far right Brexit loons who flew a “white lives matter” banner over the stadium just after the players had all taken a knee.
I feel sorry for Burnley as a club and for all the decent fans, because shit like this just re-enforces what people already think about them. They’ve got a higher percentage of far right goons than most, but the majority of their fans will have been mortified by that. Ben Mee’s interview afterwards was fantastic. He’s a credit to his club, fair play to him.
They are a club in crisis though as some key players aren’t going to play because of expiring contracts and by all accounts nobody (by that I mean Dyche and the other players) is blaming them because this is a board issue. The suggestion is that Dyche wanted to keep them all and give them new contracts but the board wouldn’t sanction it.
So you can’t blame those players for sitting it out as why would you risk injury to play for a club that doesn’t want you? This isn’t a Ryan Fraser situation. Aaron Lennon, Jeff Hendrick and Phil Bardsley have to look out for themselves now as Burnley haven't looked after them.
Now Dyche is reported to be unsettled too and it’s hardly surprising really. Whatever you think of him, the job he’s done there has been fantastic and if anyone has done enough to deserve a free reign with no board interference it’s him.
I sometimes wonder what would happen to Burnley if he left. It depends who they replaced him with of course but I suspect it’d be like Charlton when Curbishley departed. Would anybody miss them? I think I might, just a little.
I went to Turf Moor earlier this season and I must admit I enjoyed it, it felt like a proper football ground from a bygone age. Too many clubs have soulless bowls now, so going to Burnley was actually quite nice.
One of the pubs near the ground is called the Royal Dyche and has an image of him wearing a king’s crown. Will they have to rename the pub if he goes, or has he earned the right to have that permanently in his honour?
Chances are it’ll be ‘the Royal Farage’ before Dyche’s office chair seat is even cold.
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