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Premier League Round Up (Jul 4-6 2020)

Another big win for United over a struggling side. This time it was Bournemouth. I have no interest in watching their games unless they lose so I’ve only seen bits and pieces of this one.

 

Obviously I’ve seen Bournemouth’s opening goal because it was all over Twitter. Maguire nutmegged in his own box and De Gea beaten on his near post. Standard stuff. I only wish Roy Keane had been on punditry duty.

 

Maguire is so bang average it offends me that not everybody can see it. He’s not bad, he’s just average. Somehow though he’s the world’s most expensive defender and because of that price tag opinions of him seem to just be one over the top extreme to the other. He does something good and he’s Virgil Van Dijk. He makes a fool of himself and he’s Dick Van Dyke.

 

The truth is he’s neither. He’s James Tarkowski with better PR. If I wanted to be cruel I’d say he’s Michael Keane, but like I say, he’s not shit, he’s just alright. A good Premier League defender but not a great one. 

 

Leicester sold him and the unknown player they replaced him with has had a better season. That says it all. He has his strengths and in a team like Burnley he’d look great. In a team that is expected to play on the front foot and get men forward though, he’s always going to get exposed now and again because he’s a big lump who can’t move his feet quickly enough when people run at him. 

 

He was so statuesque when Stanislas skinned him that the next time he takes to the field I expect he’ll have a bunch of far right goons out there ‘protecting him’.

 

I noticed that Glyfi Fernandez scored another free-kick, but other than that and the Stanislas goal the only other thing I’ve seen from the game was one of the goals by Greenwood. As I said last week, he’s the only player at United worthy of the excessive hype given by their fans. He’s a brilliant talent and he’s literally the only United player I look at and think “Yeah I wouldn’t mind if we had him”.

 

I’m not saying that none of the others ‘could’ play for us (actually I probably am, as the vast majority of them couldn’t even make the bench), I’m just saying he’s the only one that I’d like to have in our squad. 

 

The sky is the limit for him but it doesn’t mean that United are necessarily going to be any threat to us. We had Fowler and then Owen and we couldn’t stop United’s dominance. So while I do wish Greenwood was playing for someone other than them, I’m not worried by United for as long as Solskjaer is in charge.

 

Fucking Bournemouth though. They’re doing my head in now, the West Ham enabling gobshites.

 

Elsewhere, Vardy finally got Premier League goal number 100 as Leicester beat Palace 3-0 to boost their hopes of staying in the top four. 

 

That Iheanacho cunt got the opener from close range. Just typing his name gets me angry. I hate him. I think I hate him more than I hate anyone else in the league.

 

After that it was the Vardy show. He’s been waiting a while to bring up his century and was starting to look a bit frustrated as he snatched at chances he’d normally bury with his eyes closed. 

 

Fortunately for him good ol’ Mama came to the rescue. There’s a lot to like about Sakho but his penchant for back heels and tricks in and around his own box isn’t one of them. Why does he do it? More to the point, why haven’t any of his managers been able to stop him doing it? 

 

It’s fucking ridiculous. Every time I see him play he attempts at least one utterly ludicrous trick in a dangerous area. Usually he gets away with it but he’s always going to get caught out two or three times a season. 

 

Vardy was still kicking himself over a chance he’d missed seconds earlier when out of nowhere Sakho fell over while attempting a Lallana turn in his own area, presenting the ball straight to Barnes who crossed to give Vardy a tap in. That’s why you’re playing for Palace and not PSG or Liverpool mate. 

 

The diet pills and showing up late all the time doesn’t help either, obviously.

 

Zaha missed a sitter late on and then Vardy raced clear for a trademark Vardy goal to wrap things up and give him a little cushion int he race for the Golden Boot.

 

I was becoming a big fan of Zaha but he’s been a massive disappointment this season. For the last few years he’s been on an upward trajectory and had become more productive each season. 

 

He wanted to leave last summer but no top clubs wanted him and his only option was Everton, who offered half of what Palace were asking. No wonder he’s gone into a slump. He’s got no chance of getting a move this summer either as no-one other than Chelsea and City will have any money to spend. Ok, United probably will too but he’s hardly going back there is he?

 

So Zaha seems destined to never show what he can do on a big stage and he’ll continue to be the big fish in the little Selhurst Park pond. And it’s completely his own fault for taking the money they offered him and signing that long term contract.

 

Chelsea bounced back from their shock defeat to West Ham with a comfortable win over Watford at Stamford Bridge. Giroud got the opener, Willian added a second from the spot (it never looks like there’s even the tiniest chance he’s going to miss) and Barkley wrapped it up in stoppage time.

 

Interesting that Abraham is now behind Giroud in the pecking order. Funny this, as earlier in the season all we were hearing about was this ‘new Chelsea’ and how Frank was concentrating on youth. Then their transfer ban was lifted and the first thing he did was sign a striker for £50m to replace Abraham. 

 

He’s also trying to get Kai Havertz, who will probably take Mount’s place. Tomori has been dropped for Kurt fucking Zouma and is now reportedly going to be used as a makeweight in a deal for Declan Rice! Turns out the new Chelsea is pretty fucking similar to the old one.

 

Moving on, and the biggest upset of the week saw Arsenal win 2-0 at Wolves. Don’t think anyone saw that coming did they? Wolves should be pretty annoyed with themselves losing to that shower of fannies though. You don’t deserve top four if you’re losing to Arsenal.

 

Saka’s first Premier League goal gave Arsenal the lead just before half time and substitute Lacazette wrapped it up late on. In between, Traore had some flashes but Wolves didn’t really do anywhere near enough to deserve anything from the game. 

 

You have to wonder how Traore and Jimenez weren’t able to have any joy against an Arsenal back three that included Luiz and Mustafi, but then playing Traore at centre forward seems a bit daft really. Why would you do that, Nuno?

 

He spent a lot of the game with his back to goal losing the ball. What a waste. You want him in space and generally that space is out wide. Put it this way, if the next time we play Wolves they play Traore through the middle, I’ll be fucking made up. Not as made up as Robbo will be though. 

 

Arteta has bombed Guendouzi out after his antics at Brighton the other week. He’s training on his own and has reportedly been made available for transfer. That’s quite a big call from Arteta that and it does suggest that he’s trying to change that smug loser culture they’ve had there for so long.

 

Funny thing is though Guendouzi will probably thrive away from that culture at Arsenal and go on to become a really good player somewhere else. He’s got Serie A written all over him I think. Probably AC Milan. They love a Premier League reject.

 

I see my boy Tariq Lamptey was man of the match for Brighton again. I’m telling you, this kid can play. I should be a scout I reckon. I spotted him playing for Chelsea’s under 18s and I didn’t need no fucking laptop and spreadsheet to see how good he was, just a working pair of eyes.

 

The Seagulls won at Norwich to all but secure their place in the division. Trossard got the only goal of an awful game. Brighton were quite expansive early in the season but of late they’ve looked a lot like Chris Hughton’s Brighton. I don’t expect them to open up too much tomorrow night against us either.

 

Norwich are just waiting to be officially put out of their misery now. They’ve been useless since the restart and the faintest of hopes they had of escaping are just a distant memory now.

 

If they keep their team together I think they’ll run away with the Championship next year though. When I watch them I always feel like they’re a decent side but they take risks and always get caught out against better opposition. They played like this and got promoted because they didn’t get punished so much by the teams of a lesser standard, so there’s no reason why that can’t happen again. 

 

I hope so, as I like the manager and I’ve enjoyed watching Norwich at times this year. Plus they beat Man City early doors which did us a huge favour at the time. Little did we know that beating City wasn’t actually going to be that difficult. I’ll get to them in a sec though. 

 

Newcastle and West Ham drew 2-2 at St James’ Park. Antonio scored after just four minutes but Almiron levelled soon after. He’s their top scorer now which is mad considering he went about 12months before scoring his first goal. He works his bollocks off though so it’s nice to see him getting some reward.

 

The Geordies have got a nice little attacking dynamic going on with Almiron and Saint-Maximin, but they just don’t have a centre forward worthy of the name. Joelinton is shite, Gayle is a Championship player and Big Andy has been a part timer for about five years now. Add a 15 goal a season number nine to what they already have and they might even push for Europe next year. They should go for my boy Pukki actually.

 

West Ham regained the lead when Soucek scored again. Feels like he’s scored in every game since footy came back. Shelvey equalised a minute later with his sixth of the season and that’s how it finished. The best bit about that goal was Fornals had come back to help out and played everyone on by about eight yards. He still appealed for offside though!

 

A good week for West Ham, unfortunately. Their fixture list is kind now and considering the goal threat they have they should be ok, sadly. Nothing worse than seeing Moyes looking all pleased with himself, the fucking weasel. 

 

I do like seeing Steve Bruce having a better time of it now though. One of the good guys him.

 

Also on Sunday, the “Burnley Maguire” broke the deadlock at Turf Moor when he stole in ahead of Olli McBurnie to beat Henderson. John Egan equalised in similar circumstances when he got round the back to lash home the equaliser. Tarkowski undid all of his good work with that one as he dropped yards behind everyone else and played Egan onside. Still, at least he didn’t get megged in his own box and he didn’t cost £85m so there is that.

 

So, Man City then. Hahaha fucking hell. They were so full of themselves last week after beating us. Giving it the old “next season starts here” bollocks, like that game actually had any significance whatsoever when it comes to next year. Look, I didn’t like losing to them and I’m still pissed off about it now, but that result brought City within twenty points of us. TWENTY POINTS!! 

 

You don’t get to talk smack when you’re twenty points back. Get back in your lane, City. It’s fucking hilarious that they went and lost their next game though, bringing our lead back to 23 points. TWENTY THREE!! It’s almost like last week never even happened now.

 

They made six changes and left out De Bruyne, yet their team still looked almost like a normal line up. Hardly a weakened side when you’re bringing in the likes of Bernardo Silva, Mahrez and David Silva. They played pretty well in fairness and created loads of chances only to be continually denied by Alex McCarthy or a last ditch block from a defender.

 

The only goal of the game was a belter. Hell of a finish by Che Adams to finally break his duck. I loved that goal because it’s about fucking time. Not about time that he scored, although yeah, that too. No, I mean it’s about time someone lobbed that shitty tattooed fuck in City’s goal. 

 

He spends half the game in midfield and it winds me up that strikers don’t seem to have done their homework on this. Even Mo last week went clean through and shot straight at him when he should have lobbed the twat. He’s off his line all the time so come on people, just lob the cunt.

 

After the game Bernardo Silva did an interview with BBC. You may or may not have seen it. It’s not important what he said. What is interesting is what he didn’t say. Or specifically what the interviewer was instructed not to ask him.

 

If you’ve been reading these rounds ups or the diary, you’ll know how I’ve regularly mentioned that there are people at City, especially in the press office, who are utterly obsessed with Liverpool. Well I’m reliably informed that just before Bernardo went to do a post match interview, someone from City’s press office scurried over to the interviewer and ordered her “don’t ask about the guard of honour”.

 

She didn’t have a clue what he was on about. Most people wouldn’t. It was hardly a big deal and didn’t get much attention, but plenty of our fans on Twitter had noticed that Bernardo didn’t applaud so there was a bit of social media chatter about it. Not in media circles, mostly just fans. 

 

Of course City’s press office are aware of that because they’re aware of EVERYTHING. They have people on the payroll whose job is solely to monitor everything that is said and written about them. That’s the whole point of their existence now - sportswashing. Trying to get good PR for Abu Dhabi.

 

So when they mistakenly thought someone might ask a question of one of their ratbag shithouse unsportsmanlike players that would portray him and City in a negative light while also highlighting that they’ve been soundly beaten by the Reds, they were all over that like a United fan on a positive Martial stat.

 

Instead of obsessing about us and trying to create this big rivalry, maybe they should worry more about teams closer to their level? Like, oh I don’t know, Arsenal maybe? Now hold on, before you scoff at that you might want to consider that City have now lost more league games than Arsenal this season. It’s true, I’ve triple checked it because I couldn’t believe it either.

 

To quote a washed up pop star with a jarg Paul Weller haircut, it’s “too funny”.

 

Fair play to Southampton though, they put in a tremendous shift and played this game like their survival depended on it. It wasn’t that long ago it looked like it might do (they even lost 9-0 at home remember!) but they turned their season around spectacularly and are only one point off Everton now. Good for them.

 

Speaking of whom, they lost 1-0 at Spurs in a game memorable only for a spat between two Tottenham players at half time. It was great. Son and Lloris almost came to blows and other players got involved as they tried to separate them. 

 

This little dust up had Mourinho’s fingerprints all over it. He was gushing about it afterwards and revealed that one of the things he’d been telling his players this week is to expect and demand more from each other and to hold everyone accountable. Lloris was the puppet and Mourinho was pulling his strings.

 

Needless to say I’m “Team Hugo” on this. As my Mum always says, “that Son is a sly little thing”. Next time I go to my parents house I’m expecting to see a poster of Lloris on the wall, as she proper hates Son. She may even hate him more than she hates Jack Grealish, which I wouldn’t have even thought possible.

 

Still not as much as I hate Iheanacho though.


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Fucking Bournemouth though. They’re doing my head in now, the West Ham enabling gobshites.

 

How true. Stop losing games you useless bastards. We all want West Ham and David 'I win, that's what I do' Moyes relegated and your incompetence is stopping that from happening. Plus who else is gonna sign our shit for ridiculous fees?

Very enjoyable review of the weekend. Worth subscribing for this additional content. 

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One of my pet hates is players not being excited when their team scores, and there was an outrageous example when Shelvey scored for Newcastle. Whoever the plank was who he took the ball from on the penalty spot actually looks pissed off and turns back to the centre circle while everybody else follows Shelvey to celebrate.

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12 hours ago, sir roger said:

One of my pet hates is players not being excited when their team scores, and there was an outrageous example when Shelvey scored for Newcastle. Whoever the plank was who he took the ball from on the penalty spot actually looks pissed off and turns back to the centre circle while everybody else follows Shelvey to celebrate.

 

Dwight Gayle.

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On 07/07/2020 at 17:14, Tarwater said:

Is there a ceiling on the number of «my boys» possible at any given season?

Be careful. Dave likes to nab other people’s ‘my boys’ as well as having his own.

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Levy’s “Let’s change manager so we don’t have to change the whole squad” latest penny-pinching smart-arse idea, then bringing in a manager not only certain to want to change the squad anyway, but passing Pochettino the other way in trajectory on his career downslope, just gets worse with every passing week.

 

This thing with Solskjaer getting improved results at United/Guardiola looking like staying at City, etc has had me thinking. If Levy had any nuts/humility, could they maybe be in a position to get away with a truly horrific mistake here. I wonder what would happen if he contacted the chubby hamster and said “Hands up. You were right, I was wrong. If I let you sell whoever you want to change up the squad, will you come back?”

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