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Premier League Round Up (Jul 14-17 2020)

Chelsea kicked things off for this round of fixtures with an unconvincing 1-0 win over already relegated Norwich. They never looked in danger of conceding but it hardly inspires any confidence they'll hold United off for a Champions League place. 

 

Giroud headed the only goal of the game. I said last week he’s never really been given the credit he deserves and he’s very under-rated. Gary Lineker then tweeted it. So if you’re reading this, Gary, feel free to use my “Portuguese Gylfi” line next time you’re talking about that Fernandez twat. 

 

Chelsea though. Fucking pricks, they’ve put us in a situation whereby beating them will almost certainly put United in the Champions League next season. I’m genuinely resentful over this. Chelsea should have wrapped this up weeks ago and we could have avoided this unpleasantness. I want us to beat them but it’s going to annoy me if we do because of the consequences.

 

I wonder what will happen to Norwich over the next few weeks as they have some decent young players they might not be able to keep hold of. Aarons, Lewis and Cantwell might all be in demand this summer.

 

Tim Krul is too good for the Championship as well. I’d actually take him over Adrian if he was available on the cheap. Krul is an ideal number two for a top club, assuming he's willing to accept that role. Maybe he just wants to play? He’s a bit of a knobhead like, but then so was Adrian.

 

Speaking of knobheads, Man City beat Bournemouth 2-1 in a surprisingly competitive game. Having gone 2-0 up I’m sure we all expected them to go on and get five again, but Bournemouth gave it a right good go. 

 

David Silva put City in front with a quality free-kick. Keeper shouldn’t be getting beat like that though. Wasn’t even in the corner.

 

Stanislas went within a whisker of an equaliser with a free-kick of his own that was tipped onto the post by Ederson. It bounced back off the post, hit his stupid fucking head and hit the post again before bouncing clear.

 

That free-kick incidentally came about when Solanke dribbled past Otamendi and was brought down. You know how they keep stats on who has dribbled past Van Dijk and it’s seen as a badge of honour? They need to do the reverse on Otamendi. Anyone who hasn’t dribbled past that shit cunt needs to be named and shamed.

 

Bournemouth were piling on the pressure now and Solanke and Billing both went close before Jesus jinked his way into the box past a couple of defenders to make it 2-0.

 

King thought he’d pulled a goal back when he tapped in at the back post but the linesman’s flag went up. He looked a mile off at normal speed but the replay showed it was incredibly close. Not close enough though and VAR disallowed it.

 

I’m not just saying this because it’s City but I don’t know how you can determine that this is offside. The freeze-frame isn’t accurate enough to prove one way or another because this was literally millimetres between King’s toe and Stones’ heel.

 

If you were to take that back a frame or two then he’s onside, so this is the problem I have with it. Are they freezing the shot at the moment they *think* Stanislas makes contact with the ball or the moment they *think* it leaves his foot? And either way, you can’t get it right to the exact split second.

 

Tell you what though, it looks like it was going in anyway and King didn’t need to touch it. I'd be pissed off I were Stanislas.

 

Bournemouth were all over them though and that Dan Gosling jabroni had an effort cleared off the line by Gundogan. Then Lee Mason from Manchester awarded City a pen when Jesus went down under a challenge from Cook. To be fair, it looked like a pen at normal speed and it’s only when you look at the slo mo you can see Cook took the ball first.

 

VAR over ruled it and said no pen, which was probably the correct call but still annoyed me anyway because we’ve seen so many terrible decisions not changed, so why overturn this one when it was nowhere as bad a decision as others we see week in week out? 

 

Callum Wilson fired just wide as Bournemouth continued to push forward. Brooks eventually got them the goal they deserved late on and Wilson fluffed a good chance in stoppage time to equalise. They look like they’ve finally rediscovered some form but it may have come too late. They had 14 attempts to City’s 8, which takes some doing.

 

Final one on this, you know who I have an irrational hatred of these days? Rodolfo Borrell. I can’t stand the cunt. By all accounts he’s a top fella and was very popular when he ran our Academy, but every time I see him stood next to that baldy bastard on the touchline I instinctively mutter “fuck off you, you fat prick”. It’s the Guardiola effect. I despise Arteta for the same reason.

 

And I’m starting to warm to Mourinho just because he clearly hates Guardiola. Don’t get me wrong, I still want Spurs to lose most weeks but I just don’t have it in me to hate arl Jose these days. I reserve the right to change my mind at any point, but for now he’s alright because he thinks Pep is a cunt.

 

Spurs had a good win this week away at Newcastle and have somehow sneaked up to 7th spot. Son put them ahead only for Richie to lash one in from the corner of the box. Hell of a strike, he should score far more goals than he does as he’s a tidy player. I actually think he once had ‘my boy’ status when he was at Bournemouth but I might be mistaken.

 

Kane headed Spurs back in front almost immediately with his 200th career goal. That’s a seriously impressive number for someone who wasn’t a teenage star like an Owen, Rooney or Fowler. He came from nowhere really and hasn’t stopped scoring - or diving, or slobbering - ever since. He added goal number 201 with a close range header.

 

One of the many things I can’t stand about Kane is his habit of answering questions by starting with “yeah no”. It doesn’t bother me as much as his face, voice, hair, chin or diving, but it does annoy me. 

 

Mourinho said afterwards “If I was selfish I would tell you that since I came here we are fourth, but I am not selfish I am Tottenham”.

 

Brilliant, the arl say it without saying it routine. Right up there with the “I’m not the type of guy to say I told you so, but if I were then I’d be saying I told you so”. Kept a straight face too. He’s a funny guy. At least he’s funny when he’s 38 points behind us and not really on our radar. If he ever becomes relevant again he'll no longer be amusing.

 

Wolves have completely imploded lately and blown what looked like a good chance of getting top four. The only team they’ve beaten lately are the Blueshite who have been on their holidays since they drew with us.

 

Jiminez brilliantly volleyed them into the lead at Burnley following an explosive burst from my boy Adama but Burnley levelled in controversial circumstances six minutes into stoppage time.

 

Mike Dean gave handball against Doherty and it defo did hit him on the arm, but the main reason he handled it was because he turned his head away from the boot of Chris Wood who attempted and whiffed at an overhead kick.

 

You simply can’t give a pen for that as it’s dangerous play by Wood. Doherty thought he was going to get booted in the face and he instinctively brought up his arm which caused him to inadvertently handle. Kevin Friend on the VAR backed up his mate though and Wood emphatically buried the pen. Smashed it right in the top corner. Great pen. Wolves got screwed though, not for the first time this season.

 

Thankfully Leicester bounced back from their defeat at Bournemouth with a 2-0 win over Sheffield United. Along with Chelsea they’ve been doing their best to open the top four door for the Mancs so this was an important win to keep them hanging on in there. Brendan is still fucking about with his formation though. Remember what got you there in the first place, don’t get too clever.

 

That loser Ayoze Perez broke the deadlock with a low shot from just inside the box. Vardy the hit the post and then put a chance on a plate for Barnes who shot straight at Henderson. A few minutes he did the same again, and once more Barnes shot straight at the keeper.

 

Vardy then teed up Tielemans who also shot straight at the keeper. By this point if I’m Vardy I’m thinking ‘fuck all these losers I’m not passing anymore”. But Vardy is a bigger man than me and he then created a chance for Demarai Gray, who succeeded where the others had failed and made it 2-0 late on.

 

Chris Wilder was brutally honest afterwards, saying “We never deserved anything. I was delighted it was only 1-0 going into the last ten minutes and it would have been the biggest smash and grab there has ever been if we’d got an equaliser because we never deserved it from the first minute to the 94th”.

 

Biggest smash and grab there’s ever been? It wouldn’t have even been the biggest one of this week. He clearly didn’t see what happened at the Emirates the night before. 

 

There was more official assisted success for United this week as they somehow escaped from Selhurst Park with three points despite being outplayed for long spells.

 

Palace were denied a clear penalty when Lindelof clumsily impeded Zaha. Here’s the thing about this. I’m always taking the piss about the amount of penalties Palace get. They get them all the time, but when United come to town suddenly it’s a different story.

 

United then immediately went up the other end and scored through Rashford. Disgraceful scenes.

 

Ayew equalised when he arrived at the back post to meet Zaha’s cross. VAR said otherwise. Another one decided by a toenail, and I refer you what I said earlier about how easily manipulated these things are when it comes to the point of contact with the ball. 

 

Pretty sure they could just as easily freeze frame that to show Ayew onside. The whole system is shite and open to manipulation.

 

Martial wrapped it up late on with a lovely goal but yet again all the decisions have gone their way.

 

Have a look at this…

 

mancs.jpg

 

But yeah, LiVARpool and all that.

 

Villa are still just about hanging on in there after a draw at Goodison. That’s a game they needed to win as Everton have had the deckchairs out for weeks.

 

They took the lead late on through Konsa and Elghazi should made it safe soon after but missed from two yards out. That proved costly as that bum Walcott headed an equaliser three minutes from time. Could be massive that, as Villa should have won easily.

 

They’ve let in too many goals this season but they have tightened up recently. Their problem is all of the centre forwards they’ve used are shite. They don’t have a goalscorer. Remember when Benteke kept them up virtually singlehandedly for about three years? Maybe he needs to go back there to try and rekindle some kind of form, as he’s been dogshit at Palace.

 

Elsewhere, Maupay put Brighton in front at St Mary’s with a tidy finish but Ings levelled to keep himself in with a shout of the Golden Boot. Lovely goal. Great run and cool finish. He also hit the post and had one disallowed for a close offside call. He’s absolute dynamite at the moment.

 

Finally, I’ve saved the worst until last. West Ham are safe now after a comfortable win over Watford, who are still in a spot of bother.

 

Antonio’s snapshot went through the legs of Foster to set the Hammers on their way. Soucek added the second with a diving header. Like I said last week, this fucker seems to score every week yet I’d barely even heard of him prior to lockdown. Where’ve they been hiding him?

 

Declan Rice hit one in from 25 yards to make it 3-0 but Foster just stood and watched it go in. Unusually poor from him.

 

My boy Troy pulled one back after great play by Doucoure but Watford were well beaten in truth.

 

So it’s two from Villa, Bournemouth and Watford. Ideally I’d prefer Bournemouth to escape but looking at the remaining fixtures I’ll be honest, I haven’t got a clue what’s going to happen.

 

Bournemouth have got Southampton at home and Everton away.

 

Watford have got City at home and Arsenal away.

 

Villa have Arsenal at home and West Ham away.

 

I expect Watford to get no points but they have a three point cushion so they might not need any. One draw probably sees them safe. Goal difference is much of a muchness and is too close to call because a heavy defeat for Watford against City cancels out any edge they have in that department. 

 

Villa might win both games you know. Arsenal are shite and will be coming off a mauling by City in the FA Cup semi, while West Ham will be on the beach already now.

 

Watford also play Arsenal but the problem for them is that Arsenal will have nothing to play for which makes them more dangerous, especially at home. Arsenal are the ultimate win when it doesn’t matter and lose when it does team, so that doesn’t bode well for the Hornets.

 

So if you push me for a prediction then Villa will be singing “I’m still standing” while poor old Elton will be singing “Sad Songs” or “I guess that’s why they call it the Blues”.


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That Ramsdale goalie for Bournbemouth looked quite good a while ago, pulling off some decent saves. Just like Henderson. The more I see of both of them, the less impressed I am.

 

The two disallowed goals against - you guessed it - the two Manc teams just underline how useless the refereeing community is. If it's that close a call that you can't measure it and spend minutes on end jiggling about with the graphics, surely you just call it leve with the defender? Far too common sensible for those idiots. 

 

Also during the City game, there was a shout for a handball/penalty against Silva, when he stopped a cross (throw-in?) hitting his face with his hand. Penalty all day long for me. Commentator says - 'that's allowed, he's protecting his face'. Completely different to the Doherty situation, with the flying boot. I'd have been embarrassed to come up with that excuse when I was playing for my junior school team!

 

 

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Surprised when you mention Chelsea fucking it up that you’re not accounting for a Roggo masterclass on the last day of the season. I mean, how could you possibly doubt Roggo...

 

Also disappointed to see Deeney retains ‘my boy’ status after all the shit he’s come out with over the last few months.

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Top, top, reverse jinxing analysis on the FA Cup semifinal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, ok, that's not what I was doing, I fully expected Arsenal to get twatted.

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17 hours ago, Anubis said:

Surprised when you mention Chelsea fucking it up that you’re not accounting for a Roggo masterclass on the last day of the season. I mean, how could you possibly doubt Roggo...

 

Also disappointed to see Deeney retains ‘my boy’ status after all the shit he’s come out with over the last few months.

 

I contemplated such a severe punishment, but decided to put him on probation. Not for the first time in his life.

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