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Premier League Round Up (Dec 29 2018 - Jan 2 2019)

So Tottenham’s title challenge lasted all of three days then. Having somehow, inexplicably, gotten themselves within six points of us (four defeats and they’re only six behind??) they blew the chance to close the gap to three by shitting the bed against Wolves at Wembley. Spurs gonna Spurs I guess.

 

They had the lead at half time too, before completely imploding after the break. Harry Kane put them in front with a brilliant goal. Fair play to him, we know what he can do with his right peg and from penalties and tap ins, but when he’s banging them in with his left from 25 yards it shows what a great all round striker he is.

 

He’s also a massive twat of course, which he showed in the second half when he was booked for diving. It’s not the dive that makes him a massive twat, its the way he covered his mouth while he was abusing the ref. That annoyed me far more than it probably should. 

 

My displeasure was twofold. Firstly, don’t cover your mouth when you’re talking to an official as it just tells us all that you’re saying stuff you shouldn’t and it’s also ignorant as fuck. If you’ve got something to say, don’t hide it.

 

Secondly, why is he doing it anyway? The gormless bastard talks like he brushes his teeth with superglue. Ain’t no busy lip reading bastard getting any joy trying to decipher what that big chinned slobbering goon is saying.

 

He’s now Harry Kane MBE of course. He’s always been that in my eyes. The MBE standing for Massive Bell End. Seriously though, I’m struggling with this as I have no idea what it’s for. Presumably it’s for the World Cup, as Southgate got an OBE.

 

England beat a few shit teams and found themselves in a semi final, which they lost. Yet they’re being lauded like the boys of 1966. This country are proper losers. Oh you beat Sweden and Colombia? You’re supposed to beat Sweden and Colombia you low expectation having muthafuckers!!

 

Credit to Wolves though, they were boss. I’ve said before that they’re perfectly equipped to play against the better sides and the results they’ve had have against the big boys are remarkable for a newly promoted side. They’ve beaten Chelsea and Spurs and drawn with United, Arsenal and City. They’ll probably beat our fringe players in the FA Cup next week too.

 

That Jiminez is a good player. I like him. He’s not lightning quick and he’s not prolific, but he’s clever. He was interviewed on MOTD immediately after Kane, and all joking aside, it was easier to understand the Mexican lad than the England captain. 

 

Conor Coady was loving it and was the first one in on all the goal celebrations. He’s the captain of course so no doubt he was delighted for his team, but I bet the Reds being top put a bit of extra oomph in his celebrations. Probably singing Allez Allez Allez too. Fuck you, Spurs.

 

Having won at Chelsea and then followed it up by beating City, Leicester lost at home to Cardiff. It’s mad how that can happen. How annoying must that have been for their fans. This is an occupational hazard for counter attacking teams though.

 

Leicester are good when they’ve got space to break into, but when they’re up against a defensive opponent and they have to make the play themselves it’s tough for them.

 

Cardiff had drawn 0-0 at Palace so were more than happy to try and do the same again, but they went one better this time. They rode their luck and left it late though.

 

Puel had subbed Vardy (again, he seems to do it every week, unless he leaves him out completely) when Madison won a penalty. With Vardy no longer on the pitch, Madison took it, Etheridge saved it but Madison looked certain to score the rebound before Sol Bamba came out of nowhere with a thunderous challenge. 

 

He had a hell of a game. He’s no Virgil Van Dijk but he’s probably just as important to Cardiff as Big Virg is for us.

 

Camerasa won it two minutes into stoppage time with a beautiful strike from 25 yards. Great result for Cardiff and a kick in the balls for Leicester, who with the players they have really ought to be clear in 7th instead of slugging it out with Wolves, Watford, Everton and the Mancs. Their fans don’t like Puel and I can see why, but be careful what you wish for.

 

Moving on, and there was drama at the Cottage as Fulham beat Huddersfield in stoppage time. Mitrovic got the winner with a shot that went through the legs of the Huddersfield keeper Lossl. Awful that, but he’s a bit shit isn’t he, that Lossl? 

 

Mitrovic is such a good player these days though, and as I’ve mentioned a couple of times this season he’s no longer the absolute head the ball he was back in his Newcastle days when he was rivalling Shelvey for ‘thickest man in the Toon’.

 

Back then he was fucking nuts and had no self control whatsoever, but he’s grown up at Fulham and it’s been a long time since he’s been in trouble. That new found restraint was tested to it’s limit on Saturday though when Kamara took a penalty off him even though Mitrovic was the designated taker.

 

There was a time not to long ago when ‘Mitro’ would have ripped Kamara’s head off for that, but as soon as he realised Kamara wasn’t going to back down he not only accepted it, but he went over and gave him a kiss for luck.

 

It didn’t work, as the pen was shite and was easily saved by Lossl. The fans were booing and you could see the disgust in some of the Fulham players. Not cool that at all. You can see on the replay that as soon as the pen was awarded Kamara went running off to go and grab the ball. Selfish fuck.

 

The normally affable Ranieri was fuming afterwards and in hi post match interview it sounded like he said “I wanted to kill him, that’s normal”. I rewound it back and played it three or four times and I’m sure that’s what he said. He also said that Kamara disrespected him, his team-mates, the club and the crowd. Ouch.

 

Meanwhile, Everton lost again. This time at Brighton. Locadia got the only goal and Brighton’s back up keeper made a couple of important saves. Everton are proper shite though.

 

Rondon put Newcastle ahead against the run of play at Watford but Doucoure came off the bench to equalise. He’s been heavily linked with PSG recently. We were linked with him over the summer too. I like him, but I’m not sure he’s that good is he? 

 

City got back to winning ways on Sunday with a win at St Marys. It wasn’t entirely convincing and they have a lot to thank that new Southampton manager for. Why the fuck didn’t he start Danny Ings? When I saw he’d left him on the bench I was fucking livid.

 

I said last week that until I could remember his name I’d just call him “not Useless”. I take it back. Not even ‘Useless” himself would have made a bonehead move like that. He’s your best player, so pick him, you cunt.

 

I genuinely fancied Southampton to get something from that game but that was based on the fair assumption that they wouldn’t leave their best player and top goalscorer on the bench. City went ahead, Southampton equalised and for a while we had a game on our hands. Then City went ahead with a fluke in first half stoppage time and then added a third almost immediately. Game over. Annoying as fuck.

 

Onto 2019 and Everton wasted no time in picking up exactly where they’d left off. Jamie Vardy bagged the only goal of the game after capitalising on an elephant like touch from Keane. As I said, Leicester are much better when they can counter attack, and Everton are shite.

 

The best bit came afterwards though when Marco Silva referred to ‘the Old Lady’ as “Woodison”. Hahaha quality freudian slip there. There were empty seats all over the place, which I’m not going to judge as footy is an expensive business and it’s Christmas and that. It is funny though because the Blues are convinced they need a 60k stadium and they’ll fill it. Seriously, they wouldn’t fill it if they were giving tickets away for free.

 

Wednesday night’s games now. The Mancs won at Newcastle. I forwarded that on MOTD. Sick of this nonsense about their ‘revival’ already. Solksjaer couldn’t have hand picked four better opponents than he’s had so far, unless they let him play Everton four times. In short, nobody’s arsed about United, they’re irrelevant right now.

 

The game of the night came at Bournemouth where my boy Troy headed Watford into an early lead. It was a wild first half as both teams just went at each other like two drunks at 2am on Matthew Street.

 

Deeney made it 2-0 when he followed up on a loose ball after Deulefeu had driven at Ake. Poor defending but he made amends by heading Bournemouth back into it after Foster had made a stunning save. Bad luck for the keeper, might have even cost him save of the season, as no-one is arsed how good the save is when someone scores from the follow up.

 

Wilson’s looping header got Bournemouth level but some fella called Sema fired Watford ahead. Who’s he? Where’s he been all season?

 

Soon after it was 3-3 as my other boy Ryan Fraser finished off a lovely move that had more dummies than a Trump rally. All of this was in the first half, but as so often happens the second half calmed down massively and was far less eventful. Ben Foster made some brilliant saves though.

 

After the game, both my boys were interviewed together. It was boss. Deeney was being Deeney, going off on one about how Gosling tried to 'do' one of the Watford players and that Doucoure also could have been sent off, but the ref “completely bottled it a few times”.

 

Fraser just stood there clearly thinking “he’s talking bollocks here, but he’s much bigger than me so I’m keeping schtum”.

 

Huddersfield are so hopeless now that they’re even losing at home to fucking Burnley. At least they got a goal from a striker though, which might be the first time all season I think. Of course it was Steve Mounie, as there’s no way that Depoitre bum was scoring.

 

The lead didn’t last long as Chris Wood fired in from close range. Schindler was then given his walking papers for two quick yellows. Funny thing is, he didn't even know he'd been booked the first time so he was baffled when he got a second. Might be a good idea to write these things down in future. Possibly on some sort of list? What? Oh come on, that's gold that is.

 

Not even Burnley could fail to take advantage of being a man up against Huddersfield, and Ashley Barnes got the winner. Best shit player in the league? He’s defo up there. Very good at what he does.

 

Robbie Brady was sent off late on for a deliberate and slightly wild foul to stop a Huddersfield break. Not sure it was worth a straight red. I mean, in theory it probably was because he just cynically hacked the lad down with no intent of playing the ball, but usually it’s only a yellow when that happens. Mike Dean though. Loves his red card.

 

Disappointing result as I don’t want Sean Dyche somehow ‘worming’ his way out of this (see what I did there), not unless it means Newcastle go in their place anyway.

 

Wolves lost at home to Palace. They’re suffering from Leicester syndrome. They look good against better sides but when they have to make the play while coming up against inferior opposition mimicking their own tactics, they find it really difficult.

 

A marginally offside Ayew broke the deadlock with seven minutes left (and started crying for some reason) and then the second arrived from the penalty spot (of course it did, it’s Palace) after Zaha had been brought down (of course it was Zaha, although this was a stonewaller).

 

Down in the East End, West Ham were all over Brighton and had chance after chance but somehow found themselves 2-0 down. Dale Stephens fired in from a corner (wonderful technique that) and then Shane Duffy did likewise almost immediately. Fair play to West Ham for fighting back. Arnautovic is back from injury and they’re always a much more dangerous side with him around, as he’s fucking boss. He held off Dunk to make it 1-2 and then a minute later prodded in the equaliser.

 

Neither side are in any trouble and neither are going to trouble the Europa League places, so a point apiece doesn’t help or hurt either.

 

Across London, Chelsea were held to a goalless draw at the Bridge by Southampton. They have so many good players but Hazard is the only one who really scares you. They’re almost as reliant on him as Palace are on Zaha. It seems like every move they put together goes through him these days. 

 

Alvaro Morientes, sorry, Morata, did have the ball in the net but was just offside. Then he missed a good chance soon after. It’s not gonna happen for him, he should just move back to Spain or Italy. Alonso thought he should have had a pen when he was bundled over by Long, but the ref thought he dived. Looked a pen to me.

 

That Southampton manager basically admitted afterwards he wrote off the Man City game and that’s why he rested players. “I don’t want to say I threw that game, but I knew we had more chance against Chelsea so I wanted my players fresh”. Fucking twat. Where’s your integrity to the spirit of competition? 

 

Now I know how my main man Neil Warnock felt all those years ago when Rafa screwed him over by resting players at Fulham. There is one ever so slight difference here though, as Rafa didn’t actually do anything wrong and Warnock was talking absolute Zlatan (and has been ever since), but still, fuck that Southampton manager, the City enabling cunt.

 

Sarri revealed afterwards that he didn’t know they were signing Pulisic. He says he was asked a month ago what he thought of him, he told them he thought he was good, and then he heard nothing more until the deal was done. That’s a fucked up way to run a club, but it’s what Chelsea have done for years and they’ve had success doing it. Can’t see any manager being happy about it though, and Sarri may go the way of Conte soon if this continues.

 

Arsenal bounced back from their bumming at Anfield by smashing sorry Fulham all over the Emirates. It was 4-1 but could have been double.

 

Sessegnon should have put Fulham ahead early though but shot wide when clean through. He did the exact same thing at Anfield too. He then completely missed his kick from a few yards out when the goal was gaping. As much as I like him and would happily have him at Anfield, he’s an attacking left back rather than a forward for me, as his finishing is pretty shit. 

 

He can deliver a cross though, that’s for damn sure. He got down the left and put one on a plate for Kamara to score. Only one player celebrated with Kamara, which shows how pissed off they all are after the penalty shenanigans at the weekend.

 

Fulham were two down by that point though and they conceded another two after it. They’re doing my head in as I feel as though they shouldn’t be this shit considering the talent they have. I mean fucking hell, they spent £100m last summer!! How can you be this bad?

 

Moving on, and Spurs had a 3-0 stroll against Cardiff in a game that was over after 25 minutes. Eriksen and Son scored nice goals, while Kane got incredibly lucky when a defender’s clearance hit him and rebounded past the keeper.

 

Of course he celebrated it as though he meant it, the absolute goon. Not that we should expect anything better from a man who is prepared to shamelessly accept an MBE while standing alongside genuine heroes.

 

"What did you do to get an MBE then?" 

 

"Nothing much, just flew halfway around the world and risked my life diving into an underground cave to rescue some kids who'd got stuck. You?"

 

"Scored a couple of penalties, three tap ins and a complete fluke in the World Cup"

 

"Oh, ok. Against anyone good?"

 

"Yeah, Tunisia, Panama and Colombia"

 

What a shameless dribble chinned cunt.

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Excellent report Dave. Just a couple of things. For me, Fraser looks like a long lost cousin of Shaqiri. Is that a further reason why he qualifies for "My Boy" status? Seeing as you "Love Shaq" and all... 

 

Also, you're saying Kane is unworthy of being in the honours list because other people are more noble than him. Eh, did you see the people who get honoured in these things? Jimmy Saville, Phillip Green, people who were involved in the Hillsborough cover up...Kane is probably one of the least worst people on it! 

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Great report!

 

The hand over the mouth thing seriously does my head in. Did I miss a spate of instances where players got in trouble due to lipreaders as I can't even recall one yet everyone is at it.

And why would you do it while talking to a ref? At least if you are talking to a player you may be calling him a cunt or worse but presumably he wasn't doing that to the ref.

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22 hours ago, DaveTucker said:

Great report!

 

The hand over the mouth thing seriously does my head in. Did I miss a spate of instances where players got in trouble due to lipreaders as I can't even recall one yet everyone is at it.

And why would you do it while talking to a ref? At least if you are talking to a player you may be calling him a cunt or worse but presumably he wasn't doing that to the ref.

My first thought was that 'Arry must have really big hands.

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On 1/4/2019 at 1:34 PM, DaveTucker said:

Great report!

 

The hand over the mouth thing seriously does my head in. Did I miss a spate of instances where players got in trouble due to lipreaders as I can't even recall one yet everyone is at it.

And why would you do it while talking to a ref? At least if you are talking to a player you may be calling him a cunt or worse but presumably he wasn't doing that to the ref.

I hate it too. I notice Mo does it quite a lot which saddens me.

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