I almost forgot to do this. My routine is all over the place because of Christmas. Thursday is Round Up day and today is Thursday, but it felt like a Tuesday or something. Then I realised it was Thursday and that it was also Christmas Eve and I went into a panic.
If I don’t get this done tonight it’s not going to be done, as if I tried sneaking off on Christmas Day to do work you’d never hear from me again (because my missus would kill me. Not sure the implication was clear enough there so I thought it best to explain. Probably ruined the line now).
So here I am, Christmas Eve, watching MOTD and writing shite about it. You don’t deserve me you know. Usually I fast forward through our game because I’ve already watched it. This time I watched it again. 7-0 away wins don’t come around too often so I’m making the most of it.
There’s nothing in particular that I noticed that I hadn’t already put in the report but I want to further emphasise just how fucking awesome Bobby’s finish on his second goal was. Not enough was said about that because the other goals were so spectacular, but the technique on that off the fucking scale.
I didn’t give enough credit to Minamino’s little flick to lift the ball over the defender before his goal either. Lovely skill that.
Anyway, let’s get straight into it as I’d like to finish this before Santa shows up.
Arsenal lost yet again. They’ve had so many of these shit runs over the last decade but they always found a way to get out of it and pick up some points before they hit the skids again. This time there’s been no respite. They’re just losing all the time. They lose to good teams. They lose to average teams. They lose to bad teams.
They got off to a terrible start with an own goal from Holding. Not really his fault, he was running in with Calvert-Lewin and the striker’s poor header glanced off him and went in. Pepe equalised from the spot after Garden Gnome Tom Davies fouled Maitland-Niles, but Mina headed in from a corner just before half time.
Arsenal were the better side in the second half and Luiz hit the bar, but they couldn’t find an equaliser and remain in 15th spot. They got twatted by City in the League Cup too and this is probably the biggest crisis I can remember in my lifetime. It’s making for some golden content on AFTV though, so long may it continue.
I always say how much I despise those Arsenal players and what fucking cowards they are. Generally I feel like there’s not one who is worth a fucking carrot, but sometimes I wonder if there might actually be one or two of them who are being dragged down by the rest and who might have something about them.
Tierney would probably be sound in a different team and I quite like Maitland-Niles you know. I think he’s decent and he doesn’t seem like your typical lightweight Arsenal fanny. I think he has a bit about him but it’s hard to tell when they’ve been so shit for so long and seem to be getting worse, not better.
Sacking Arteta won’t change anything either. They need a whole new squad because even Klopp might struggle to get a tune out of those fucking wasters.
Everton are still shit though. Don’t let this little run of wins fool you. They’re shit. They briefly went second after this win but I’ve been saying it all season and I’m still saying it now. They’re shit. The best they can hope for is finishing 6th or 7th. Because they’re shit.
City recorded a good win at St Mary’s against in form Southampton. It wasn’t pretty and a draw would have been a fair result. Sterling got the only goal of the game from a De Bruyne cutback. Standard, boring, Man City goal. I think I wrote last week that they only have two ways of scoring. Cutback, or ‘give it to Kev and let him shoot or cross’. This one was a combination of both.
Ings thought he should have had a pen when he headed wide while almost being kicked in the nose by Stones. There was no contact, but that’s a fucking pen. It was high kicking and dangerous play. Ings couldn’t commit to the header because he had a size 12 coming right at him and he misses the target. Mike Dean wasn’t having it and nor was VAR. Ings went off injured soon after.
Southampton had another good penalty shout waved away too when sterling handled. The ball bounced up off his thigh onto his outstretched arm. Not sure what the rule is on that anymore. It’s one of them that you look at and think ‘that’s got to be a pen’ but honestly I don’t know.
That rat Bernardo missed a great chance after being set up - who else - De Bruyne. Remember a couple of years ago when he looked boss? He’s been fucking shite ever since, the little gobshite.
City now remind me of how we were for years when Stevie carried us. They rely on De Bruyne as much as, if not more than, we ever relied on Gerrard. Literally everything they do now has his fingerprints all over it.
City are keeping loads of clean sheets but they don’t score many. It’s clear what’s happened here. Pep got fed up of every cunt just taking the piss by hitting them on the break and exploiting his tactical set up, so he’s changed it. They don’t give up much on the break because they aren’t setting up camp with their entire team (other than that gormless fuck goalkeeper) in the opposition half.
They’re controlling games but not threatening as much. Maybe their threat will be increased significantly when Aguero is fit and firing but this is a different City than we’re used to.
Elsewhere, Fulham took the lead at Newcastle in comical circumstances when the ball bounced up and went in off the face of Matt Ritchie. He was taken completely by surprise and it looked dead funny, but he was looking right at it so not sure how he let that happen.
Joachim Anderson was then sent off for felling Wilson as he ran through. I’m not sure it was even a foul. It looked it at normal speed but the slo mo just makes it look like a dive. There was a little tug and then an unintentional little touch on Wilson’s foot, which is when he flung himself to the floor.
So a penalty and a straight red. Wilson scored the pen and Scott ‘Scotty’ Parker was understandably disgusted afterwards. I agreed with every word he said there. No problem with a ref giving that in real time, but having seen the replay how is he giving a pen and a red card?
Parker said he can accept the initial decision and if there was no VAR you just take the rough with the smooth. But when VAR is there they shouldn’t still be getting these wrong. I think pretty everyone hates it now and wants it fucked off. I wonder how it’s going in other countries? Anyone know? I’d be interested to know if they hate it as much as we do.
Onto Sunday now. I thought Leeds might give the Mancs a good game but it was over inside three fucking minutes when they allowed McTominay to score. Twice. The first one was a mis-hit. He’s getting loads of credit for that but fuck right off. Nobody tries to hit a shot like that from there. He went for the left corner, sliced it and it went in the opposite side. His second was a good finish, I’ll give him that.
My boy Bamford should have pulled one back soon after but fluffed it and that was costly as Portuguese Gylffi quickly made it 3-0. It was end to end stuff though and Bamford then headed wide before Lindelof made it 4-0 from a corner.
Leeds did pull one back but then James added a fifth before they got their customary pen when Martial took a tumble. James had tried for one earlier but got a yellow card for his troubles. He’s got as many yellow card for diving as he has goals since signing for them. Fernandez scored the pen and then Dallas pulled one back to make it 6-2.
Leeds are always running the risk of this happening with the way they play. It is what it is. Boom or bust. You can’t be singing their praises when they play like this at Anfield and almost nick a point, and then rip into the approach when they get tonked at Old Trafford.
It’s high risk high reward. Sometimes it will work, sometimes they’ll get fucked. It’s worked more often than it hasn’t though and Leeds will be comfortably safe this season. And they’ll have been entertaining as fuck in the process, so Bielsa can just carry on being Bielsa as far as I’m concerned. You’d rather be playing like Leeds than Sheffield United or West Brom, that’s for sure.
I’m sick of United winning though. I don’t see them as a threat to us as they’re flawed and always seem to be two bad results away from Solskjaer being under pressure again. But this run they’ve been on is getting on my tits now. I’m generally ok with them picking up enough results to keep Ole safe but it’s going beyond that now.
They’re getting a little full of themselves and need bringing down a peg or two. They beat the Blueshite in midweek to advance in the League Cup. I’m good with that as anything that helps to keep Everton’s trophy less run continuing is fine by me. Did I mention Everton are shit? I’m sure I must have.
Not been a good week for Spurs eh? They went from top to *checks table* SIXTH! in the blink of an eye. Probably a joke about London and tiers in there somewhere but I don’t find any of that shit funny as I’m so sick of all this.
Spurs going from first to sixth inside of a week is funny though. Palace held them to a draw, we beat them and then Leicester turned them over as well. I saw that one coming. Mourinho had so many gullible fuckwits dancing to his tune the other night I knew they’d come a cropper against Leicester.
I’m not dismissing Spurs. As I’ve been saying for weeks they’re obviously going to be a threat as long as they have Kane and Son together. But let’s not get fucking carried away here. They aren’t that good. Palace showed it but everyone is entitled to an off day. We’ve had some ropey away days ourselves so using that game as evidence of Spurs not being all that would be daft.
They got their arses handed to them at Anfield but somehow came out of that game with more people talking them up than down. Crazy that. “Spurs showed they can compete with Liverpool”. Yeah, so did Fulham and that means nothing either. In fact, I actually dispute that Spurs did compete with us. They competed with us in the same way West Ham did. And Sheffield United. And loads of other bottom feeders.
Fuck Spurs and their Mourinho-ball tactics. That’s why I fancied Leicester. Because Spurs want to sit back and counter, but when they come up against someone else who wants to do the same thing, like Palace and Leicester, it’s not so easy is it? When they have to make the play they aren’t very good. When they can use Kane and Son on the break they’re fucking deadly.
You all know how much I despise Kane, the big slobbering goon. In spite of the absolute disdain I have for him, virtually every time I watch him play these days I think “he’s fucking brilliant him. The cunt.”. It puts me in mind of that Simpsons episode “Colonel Homer” when Homer is managing Lurleen Lumpkin. And at one point Bart says “As much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit”.
He had his moments against Leicester but by and large they did well against him and Son.
Not much happened in the first half as both teams cancelled each other out. Brendan has become more pragmatic and less idealistic over the past 12 months and this time he beat Mourinho at his own game. Both teams were sitting in and waiting for the other to make a mistake. Mourinho’s made a career out of that and it’s usually saps like Rodgers on the receiving end.
This time it was Spurs who made the mistake as Aurier clumsily barged into the back of Fofana. The ref missed it but when he was told to check the screen he pointed to the spot and Vardy did the rest. Just before half time that was, the perfect time to score.
Maddison made it 2-0 when he latched onto a ball over the top, controlled it beautifully and slotted past Lloris. The replay looked well onside, then they started fucking around drawing lines from his arm and the defenders foot and before you knew it, no goal. Ordinarily I’d be livid about it, but I honestly think on this occasion the VAR official saw his stupid dance and decided “I’m gonna find a way to rule this one out” which I’m not gonna lie, is completely fair and something I’d probably do.
It didn’t matter because Alderweireld put through his own net shortly after and Spurs had no answer to it. Great win for Leicester and Spurs well and truly back in their box.
One of the funniest things this week was the emergence of some tweets from a 15 year old Maddison saying how much he hates Spurs and calling Bale a chimpanzee and a monkey. Fucking hilarious, but you’d think once these players make the big time the clubs would have someone on the payroll to go through their social media and remove any embarrassing teenage posts. Still, I’m glad they didn’t on this one as it was proper funny.
Sheffield United’s woes continued although at least they didn’t lose this weekend. Brewster was given a rare start but didn’t long as he had to be sacrificed following an early sending off for Lundstram. It was a full blooded 50-50 and he went in low initially, won the ball but then caught the lad on the shin with his follow through because he was no longer in control of his momentum.
Not so long ago that would be seen as a great tackle but now you’re going to be in trouble more often than not. What irritates me about this is we’ve seen much worse that either went unpunished or had a lesser punishment. Lookman against us last week was worse than this one but he only got a yellow.
Anyway, Brewster’s afternoon was cut short and his misery was compounded when the lad who took his place actually scored to put them ahead. Burke should have wrapped it up but blasted high and wide and that cost them big time as Danny Welcrap equalised from close range with a couple of minutes to go. It could have been worse for the Blades as Brighton hit the bar with the last kick of the game.
So Chris Wilder still has less points than subs. Brighton would have been a better fit for Brewster than Sheffield United is, because they play actually create chances for their forwards. They just don’t take enough of them.
Fat Sam’s return to the big time didn’t start well as his side conceded to El Ghazi inside five minutes as West Brom were dominated by Villa.
Livermore was booked for a nasty one on Grealish but after VAR it was upgraded to red. No doubt about that one. Watkins made it 2-0 but then the lines came out and it was chalked off. Another one of those shitty decisions that morally should never be given as offside.
Villa were undeterred though and Traore did make it 2-0 with a composed finish before El Ghazi added a third from the spot after yet another foul on Grealish. West Brom seemed to want to just kick the shit out of him all day. Understandable but not conducive to winning football.
I’ll say no more about the Baggies as we play them next.
Villa are flying aren’t they? I don’t know where they’ll finish but I’m confident it will be above Everton. Because Everton are shit.
Wolves’ wildly inconsistent run of results continued as they lost to Burnley. My boy Ashley Barnes (he’s my boy again now that he’s finally remembered where the net is) headed the Clarets in front and Wood hammered in the second from a yard out. They were good value for it too as they also hit the bar and brought a great save out of Patricio.
Wolves offered very little but were awarded a penalty out of nothing when Fabio Silva took a tumble in the box. He converted the kick himself but Burnley held on for a massive three points.
Finally, Chelsea got back to winning ways with a 3-0 drubbing of West Ham. Thiago Silva headed the opener from a corner. Great header that one. He’s still class him. Top player.
No finesse Timo missed yet another one v one chance before fortunately setting up Abraham to make it 2-0. Werner’s shot was so bad and so scuffed that Abraham was able to run in and catch it before it reached the goal. Abraham then added another to make it 3-0 before Werner missed another sitter when he hit the bar.
I’ve got a mate who’s a Chelsea fan and when they signed Werner I told him that Chelsea were welcome to him as he’s not very good. At the time he thought it was sour grapes and I was jealous. He said to me this week “we’ve signed fucking Theo Walcott. The cunt even has the same initials”.
Now I’m not the kind of guy to say “I told you” but if I was I’d defo have been saying “I told you”. Oh fuck, who am I trying to kid. I fucking love saying “I told you” and that’s exactly what I said to him because the only thing better than being right is telling people that you were right.
Merry Christmas my faithful readers, we’ll pick this up again after the Boxing Day games, when no doubt Timo Werner is going to fill his boots now just to make me look bad. But it won’t, you see, because I’ve just given myself that insurance policy. If he bags a few goals I’ll say “I called that one” and if he doesn’t I can continue to say how I told you all months ago he’s crap.
*taps nose*
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