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Premier League Round Up (Aug 31 - Sep 1 2019)

Brighton went to the Etihad with a bold plan to go toe to toe with Man City and conceded a goal inside the opening 90 seconds, the deadbeats. City won 4-0 without breaking sweat, which was entirely to be expected. 

 

Of course we always have to have one eye on what City are doing, but in reality games like this are not even worth worrying about. Just accept it’s going to be a five goal City win beforehand and treat anything less than that as a win. This is how it’s going to be most weeks, we just have to hope that some of the close games don’t go their way.

 

Guardiola was at his condescending best afterwards, praising Brighton’s positive approach and saying that he’s “not just a coach, he’s also a fan” and that’s what he likes to see. Yeah I’ll fucking bet it is. Nothing would suit him more than if all these star struck young managers show up at the Etihad expecting a defeat and just wanting to impress “Pep”. 

 

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses for City though, as Laporte went off with a bad injury that was sustained while committing your typical cynical Man City foul. Funny thing is, the blame is being placed on Rodri for not committing a similar foul a second earlier to prevent Laporte needing to step in. Harsh that, the poor lad has only just signed for them so he hasn’t been fully indoctrinated in the “Guardiola way” yet. This was a tough lesson for him to learn as no doubt he got a bollocking for his lack of shithousery.

 

Some are suggesting that Laporte’s injury is such a big deal that it might give us an advantage in the title race. Sorry, not buying it. These cunts did without Kevin De Bruyne for most of last season, so losing Laporte won’t phase them at all. I realise he’s their best defender but the truth is they could drag Richard Dunne out of the pub and play him back there most weeks, because half the league are too scared to attack them and the other half don’t usually get that close to City’s goal because they’ve been fouled in their own half. 

 

While that result was entirely to be expected, there was a big surprise at Stamford Bridge where Chelsea blew a 2-0 against Sheffield United against were held to a draw. The draw itself wasn’t THAT surprising, but the Blades coming from two down wasn’t something anyone could have predicted.

 

Abraham’s close range effort put Lampard’s men in front and he added another just before half time when he took advantage of some confusion at the back. Chelsea played some nice stuff and seemed in complete control even though they conceded a minute after half time. 

 

The third goal wouldn’t come though and the longer the game went the more jittery they looked. The Blades began to sense there might be something in it for them and so it proved as Zouma’s stoppage time own goal gave them an unlikely point.

 

We’re four games in and I still have no idea what Sheffield United are though. I suspect they’re a bit shit but results wise they’ve done well. I still couldn’t name more than three of their players either. I know McBurnie, Billy Sharp and Callum Robinson, but off the top of my head that’s it, I can’t think of any more. I bet by the end of the season I still only know about six of them.

 

Elsewhere, Leicester won again. My tip for the top six are actually looking like they might even be a threat for top four. I’m not ready to go there yet but it wouldn’t be much of a shock when you look at how flawed everyone outside of us and City are.

 

My boy Vardy opened the scoring with a trademark Vardy goal. Bournemouth fell asleep and let him get in behind on a ball over the top and he lobbed the bouncing ball over the keeper from 25 yards. Great finish. Great player.

 

Bournemouth hit back immediately though with a lovely finish from Callum Wilson. Tielemans tapped in a Vardy cross to restore Leicester’s lead, but he was then fortunate not be sent off for a studs up challenge on Wilson. I don’t think it was intentional but Wilson is lucky he wasn’t seriously injured as it looked horrific on the slow motion replay. The VAR official disagreed though, apparently. 

 

Wilson was later booked for a dive. He did make the most of it but he was clearly shoved by the defender and on another day he gets a pen for that. VAR has done Bournemouth no favours whatever in this one. Vardy then wrapped it up with an instinctive finish.

 

Speaking of Vardy, you can add the Bournemouth keeper to the list of pricks who haven’t done their homework. I’m even boring myself with this now, but it really is a joke. Taking two touches when Vardy is around should be a sackable offence. This prick got away with it twice in one game, the fucking tool. 

 

I’m irrationally angry about it. I mean I’ve got no reason to care, it doesn’t impact my life in any way, yet I see this happen week after week and every time it pisses me off. Your paid thousands of pounds a week to do a job, the least you can do is fucking be prepared.

 

Meanwhile, I may have jumped the gun on Norwich. They might actually be Fulham after all. I thought they had more about them than the Cottagers did last year but they’ve got three points from four games and have shipped 10 goals ready (amusingly, Chelsea are the next worse on nine!). 

 

Norwich got battered by West Ham and Tim Krul was the only thing standing between them and utter humiliation. 2-0 flattered Norwich massively. Haller and Yarmolenko got the goals and Haller also should have had a penalty when he was chopped down when dribbling between two defenders. Paul Tierney had a great view and waved it away. He’s shite him. Almost as shite as VAR.

 

The Norwich manager had a moan about a couple of VAR incidents but said he’s “always been a friend of VAR”. Well fuck you then, if you want it then this is what you get, soft arse.

 

Tell you what’s fucking mad. In the form table for the last 15 games, Palace are top four. How has this happened? More to the point, how have I not noticed? I feel as though they’ve been struggling and are a bit shit, but apparently they’ve been sneakily picking up wins without me knowing.

 

They did it again this weekend. They were crap against Villa but just about eeked out a narrow win. It helped that they were up against ten men after Trezeguet was sent off for two yellows. Absolute bum he is.

 

The goal came late when Ayew bundled his way through to finally break Villa’s resistance with ten minutes left, but the game ended in controversy when Kevin Friend disallowed Henry Lansbury’s equalising goal. So, so bad that decision. I’ve got no love for Grealish but he got screwed there big time. 

 

He was nudged in the back and was losing his balance as he entered the box. He just managed to pop the ball off to Lansbury and then he sprawled forward as a challenge came in. Not a foul, but definitely not a dive and he wasn’t even looking for anything. All he was trying to do was lay the ball off before he went over.

 

Lansbury hammered it in first time but Friend had blown his whistle a split second before. The whistle didn’t have an impact on the play at all but because he’d blown before the Lansbury hit his shot that meant VAR couldn’t get involved. 

 

Honestly, this whole fucking thing is a pantomime now. I’m going to be mentioned VAR four or fives times in every round up this year. I’m bored already and we’re only four games in. So, so fucking shit. Villa should have had a point and they were understandably livid about it, especially Grealish. Still, never mind eh?

 

Down at St Mary’s Southampton were held to a disappointing draw by Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s struggling United side. Dan James put the Mancs ahead with a good finish but Vestergaard equalised. Southampton had a player sent off for a stupid challenge but United couldn’t find a way though. 

 

They had a good penalty shout waved away by Mike Dean though. Could have gone either way, but after decades of them getting every decision going it’s been noticeable in recent years that’s no longer the case. Either it’s because Ferguson has gone, or it’s because they’re shit now and refs feel under less pressure to help them out. Mind you, those two things are inextricably linked anyway.

 

Speaking of horrible arl man bastards, did you see that fucking geriatric twat crying on the Fan TV channel afterwards? You must have seen it, the thing went viral and everyone was laughing about it. Not me though. Of course I can see why it’s funny, but I couldn’t get past how annoyed I was by it. Seriously, who the fuck does this cunt think he is? 

 

United are coming off decades of unprecedented success. Even in recent years when they’ve dropped off the pace they’ve still won silverware. Now, this entitled old twat is carrying on like this because they drew at Southampton??? In a week when Bury actually went out of fucking business this bastard is literally in tears because it’s their turn to be average for a few years. It’s not funny, it’s fucking outrageous. When I watch that I genuinely want to slap him.

 

 

“He wins…. he wins that ball so much” Ah shut your mouth you absolute fucking self entitled, glory hunting, coffin dodging cunt. Fuck off. Just fuck off.

 

Anyway, I’ll move on from this before I say something I’ll regret (in time I might regret what I actually have said, but as of now I stand by it). 

 

Will Hughes made amends for his missed sitter last week by firing Watford into an early lead at St James’. The ‘worm with eyebrows’ missed a great chance to equalise and still hasn’t scored since his arrival in January. Rafa defo had the last laugh on Mike Ashley, as the signing of Almiron was basically like taking a shit on his desk.

 

While Almiron’s waits for his first goal, centre back Fabien Schar has scored five in that time. He bagged Newcastle’s equaliser just before half time with a composed finish. The ball fell to him after hitting the hand of one of his team-mates though. It was entirely accidental but that doesn’t matter anymore. If it hits the hand of an attacker the goal is automatically ruled out. Just ask Man City. So how come this one stood? Was the VAR operative asleep at the wheel, Solskjaer style?

 

The game is a complete mess right now because of this shit. It was brought in to stop controversy and ensure that justice is served, and it’s failing on both counts.

 

Onto Sunday, and the Blues just about edged past Wolves at Goodison. Usually I’d rather they lost, but I’m not too bothered they won this one because Wolves fans are just such colossal ballbags. All these wankers who still come to Merseyside and sing about unemployment and pass it off as “banter”. Nah, it just makes you seem like bad Tory bellends.

 

So while I wouldn’t say I wanted Everton to win, I’m happy to see Wolves losing. I mean fucking hell, their captain is scouse and they’re signing that shit? Just like United did for all those years. No self awareness at all.

 

I mean, these cunts are the first to sing about scousers nicking hubcaps, but half of their song book has been shamelessly robbed from us. It’d be ace if the Europa fucked up their entire season, the player trafficking cunts.

 

As for Everton, Richarlison scoring twice was nailed on after I ripped him for about six paragraphs last week. Doesn’t change a thing. I never said he was shit, just that he was a 12 goal a season player who should never be in the Brazil squad.

 

Finally, Erikson gave Spurs an early lead in a typically eventful North London derby on Sunday. Then Granit Xhaka went the full Granit Xhaka and cleaned out Son in the box. The tackle was so late that by the time he hit him he wasn’t even in the camera shot. What a liability he is. A slim, Swiss, Charlie Adam without the goals.

 

Kane despatched the penalty expertly (he’s fucking good at pens, I can’t take that away from him) and Spurs had Arsenal exactly where they wanted them before they allowed Lacazette to score seconds before the break. That changed everything and Arsenal dominated the second half.

 

Still, Spurs had their chances and Kane hit the post with a brilliantly struck effort. Aubamayeng equalised with a deft touch from a Gendouzi pass and Arsenal thought they’d won it late on but Kolasanic was rightly adjudged to be offside.

 

Kane produced his customary dive near the end but Martin Atkinson didn’t buy it. I’ve heard differing opinions on this one, but it’s blatantly obvious what happened. Kane slowed down, waited for the defender to arrive and then stepped into his path before falling over like a big fucking tree. Never a pen in a million years for me. Similar to Calvert-Lewin with Lovren actually. 

 

Some call it clever, others call it cheating. Generally depends if it’s one of your own players really. With Kane it’s definitely the latter because there are so many examples of him doing it. Imagine what his reputation would be like if he was some foreigner and not the England captain. I almost called him a slobbering goon there but I promised in week one I’d be nice.

 

On the balance of play the draw was fair but I’d argue that Arsenal deserved to lose purely on the basis of their fans chanting “stand up if you’ve won the league”. The same cunts who are dismissing anything that happened pre-Premier League will be the first to sing about “winning the league on Merseyside”. 

 

I don’t know what the fuck is going with people these days. It’s as though facts are just thrown out the window now in the quest for “banter”.

 

You’ve got Trump and Johnson just making shit up as they go, and now footy fans are following suit. Arsenal fans should be embarrassed about that chant, but they won’t be because “it’s just banter”. Burnley were just as bad this weekend too, responding to our “Champions of Europe” chant with “Champions of England, you’ll never sing that”. You’re singing that to us?? The 18 times Champions of England? 

 

Fuck me, that’s like some skid mark who won Wimbledon in the 1920s taunting Bjorn Borg. 

Edited by tlw content


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Hey Dave. Loved your report, just a few things

 

1) I completely agree with the Vardy thing. What a player. England's best striker, and would be a massive addition to them for a major tournament, but I doubt it will happen. I also liked the fact that he stayed with Leicester when he could have gone to a "bigger" team. There's a loyalty there, or at the very least, a realization of when a team is the right fit for you. How many idiots over the years, from Bony to Wright Phillips to Drinkwater, have ruined their career by going to an ostensibly bigger team and over-estimating their abilities?

 

I also like Leicester because of Rodgers. I know people have mocked him, including, most of all, our own fans, but if he can get to the top 4 or 6 with this team, that'll prove he's one of the best managers in the league. It'll certainly prove he's better than what they've got at Arsenal, Chelsea and United anyway.

 

2) Just looked at that Man United fan video. Got to admit, I laughed, but I can see what you mean. The level of entitlement is astonishing. "We're Man United and we deserve to be at the top because of who we are". Bullshit. It's the exact same way people from all of those private schools like Eton expect to be given top jobs, and run the country, because that's the way it's always been. The level of entitlement is disgusting. It's what's destroying England at the moment, all of the bullshit caused by a jolly Etonian Jape.

 

Also, I know he says that he's a lifelong United fan, but he sounds like he's from the West Country.

 

3) Call me a pedant if you will, but there were a few grammar and spelling mistakes in the text that confused me a bit. The big one was "I mean fucking hell, their captain is scouse and they’re signing that shit". I had to read it a couple of times before realizing that you meant to say singing. I thought it was some signing on the dole reference. Maybe that says more about me, but anyway, grammar is important. It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit!

 

Anyway, keep up the good work.

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6 hours ago, buster69 said:

3) Call me a pedant if you will, but there were a few grammar and spelling mistakes in the text that confused me a bit. The big one was "I mean fucking hell, their captain is scouse and they’re signing that shit". I had to read it a couple of times before realizing that you meant to say singing. I thought it was some signing on the dole reference. Maybe that says more about me, but anyway, grammar is important. It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit!

 

Anyway, keep up the good work.

I just presumed that the lovely Wolves fans were allowing the hard of hearing to rejoice in their mantra.

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Boss report as usual dave. Yeah that old man annoyed  me to fuck. It’s still not realy sunk in yet has it that they are doomed. They still think they are a couple of transfer windows away from being back to where they where. Oh by the way coady is from Haydock and is about as scouse as sporty spice.

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