A bit different to last week in that our lads couldn’t ruin the weekend because they didn’t play until Monday night, so at least I got to fully enjoy the latest United shitshow. I’ll start with that because it was clearly the biggest story of the weekend. Not because they lost, but because they got utterly humiliated.
I fully expected Brentford to beat them because they way United are currently I struggle to see them winning away to win anybody. I’m choosing my words carefully there and deliberately emphasised the word ‘away’ because we go to Old Trafford next week and I’m not having any of you fuckers blame me if something goes wrong. There’ll be no jinxing from me.
So yeah, let’s disregard their home form for now and focus on how they are on their travels. They’ve lost seven away games on the spin now, which is as a piece of evidence proving why the Covid season shouldn’t count is as compelling as anything you’ll find. They went through that entire season unbeaten away, but now look at them since real footy returned. It’s like the reverse of our home record. Unbeatable with fans, lost to all kinds of fucking deadbeats when the stadium was empty.
United have been wretched since the crowds came back, even though most of the players are the same as that jarg season when they finished second. It’s fascinating seeing how everything is unraveling with them now. Every week it’s a new crisis, and the great thing about this weekend’s bumming by Brentford is that I’m absolutely convinced that wasn’t rock bottom. They’ll have worse days than that, which is almost unthinkable really in the context of just how fucking bad Saturday was for them.
They were wearing a fucking horrible lime green away kit. I don’t ever remember seeing them wearing a kit like that before, which is quite apt as I don’t ever remember them being this embarrassingly shit before either.
Da Silva struck the first blow with a low shot that De Gea fumbled into his own net. Stuff like that is inexplicable. He was one of the best in the world a few years ago but he fell off a cliff, Joe Hart style. There’s no physical reason for it to happen so you just wonder what causes it. Initially I put it down to him just not being arsed any more, but De Gea actually seems like he might be one of the few United players who does give a fuck. He’s just shite now, the werewolf looking twat. Always got a…. howler… in him. See what I did there? Gold that is.
It’s hard to actually do justice to how shit United were in that first half. They keep trying to play out from the back with players (and a keeper) not good enough to do it. Eriksen was used in a deeper role so they could use him as the fulcrum for their playing out and it was an unmitigated disaster. Maguire could have been sent off for a foul on the edge of the box after him and Eriksen got into a pickle, and then De Gea decided to play a ball into the feet of Eriksen even though he was as tightly marked as can be. Jensen robbed the ball and gleefully made it 2-0.
What a nightmare for Eriksen, who was given some fairly good natured stick by the home fans (his overall reception was mixed). Serves him right for joining that clown show though. I mean fucking hell, you get a second chance at life and this is what you do with it??? Serious alcoholic getting a new liver and then immediately going down the pub afterwards vibes about this.
I saw a tweet afterwards saying something like “this is the worst day of Eriksen’s life even though he once died”.
Ben Mee bundled in a header to make it 3-0. Look at that tiny little centre back of United’s on that one though, he’s running around the six yard box like a toddler. Mee is almost on the floor when he heads it in as the little fella is completely stranded watching it go over his head. Hilarious scenes.
The fourth came soon after on the break. Beautifully crafted goal that. Lovely ball by Toney and a fine finish by Mbuemo. If those two stay fit all season I think Brentford will stay up. If anything happens to either, they’re in trouble. Two good players them lads, and they work well together which makes them even greater than the sum of their parts.
4-0 down at Brentford with only a little over half an hour gone on the clock. As bad as it gets? Don’t be so sure. These do not look like a side who have bottomed out yet. They seem to be getting worse in pretty much every single aspect of running a football club. The training ground and stadium need loads of work but the playing staff needs even more.
There’s already talk that the players “aren’t convinced” about the new coach, which is just fucking hilarious really because as I said when the same stories were being leaked after Rangnick came in last year, these shit lazy cunts do not have a right to an opinion about any coach. Imagine fat head Maguire and Shaw sat eating burgers in the canteen saying to each other “not sure this new gaffer is good enough for Manchester United”. The sense of entitlement from these pricks is astonishing.
Ten Hag had them in the next day and made them run. Not just that, he made them run the same distance that Brentford had outran them the day before. While I can completely relate to what he’s done there and in his shoes I’d probably have done the same or even worse, this is counter productive. That group of players have shown under several different coaches now exactly what they’re about.
They won’t react positively to that, their sense of entitlement means they’ll feel insulted, belittled, slighted by it. The fact we read about it straight away is probably a result of one or more of them cryarsing off the record to the press.
Ronaldo is fucking seething. You can see he’s just in a permanent state of anger these days. I read that he’s eating on his own in the club canteen now and wants no part of the bums he’s saddled himself with. On one hand he’s got a point. He’s been a winner his entire life but now he’s in a team full of fucking losers with no professional pride. On the other hand, he chose to sign for them when it was obvious they were shite. You know what his problem was? He thought the Covid season was actually real.
He’s apparently said “the truth” will come out in a couple of weeks, when the window shuts. Why not now? Because he so clearly just wants out and will probably go anywhere for CL footy. He can’t say it in case nothing materialises, but he’s got “deadline day move to Turkey” written all over him at this point.
Wherever he goes he’ll be in a better position than he is right now. Except maybe Everton, but I’ll get to them later.
The sound of Arsenal smelling themselves is getting deafening now. It was happening all through pre-season but now they’ve started with two wins it’s gone into overdrive. Jesus has started well to be fair, which I expected. Aubamayeng started well too. And Lacazette. And Ozil. Eventually they smell themselves so much that the Arsenal stink gets into their system and that’s the end of that.
In fairness, they absolutely murdered Leicester and even I will concede that they looked really good as they raced into a 2-0 lead. It should have been five or six as they were slicing through Leicester at will.
Then they had a wobble. Vardy thought he’d bought himself a penalty with a clear dive. The ref was fooled initially but after a look at the video he overturned it. Should have booked Vardy but I don’t think he did. Soon after Saliba put through his own net to give Leicester a lifeline. He’s been getting rave reviews since his opening day display at Palace and probably smelled himself a little too hard, as there was Arsenal stink all over that.
The game was in the balance at that point and had Leicester levelled then Arsenal may have fallen apart, but Danny Ward dropped a simple cross at the feet of Xhaka. That’s why he’s been a career back up I guess. Leicester not signing anybody while losing one of the league's best keepers doesn't exactly inspire confidence that they'll do well does it? Brendan could be managing UNited in a couiple of months the way things are going.
Maddison got Leicester back within one Wirth a low shot through the legs of Aaron Pickf.. sorry, Ramsdale but Martinelli quickly restored the two goal lead with a low shot from 20 yards. Again, I’m looking at Danny Ward on that I think.
So maximum points so far for Arsenal and the hype machine is rolling. The big thing at the moment with Arsenal fans is posting clips from a year ago when the likes of Neville and other United fans were ripping them and comparing them unfavourably to United. I can’t begrudge them that because when you listen to some of the bollocks being spouted then and then you compare the state of the two clubs right now, no wonder Arsenal fans are giving it some.
Just as long as they stay in their lane we’ll be fine. Feel free to mock United and lord it over them as that is justified and has been earned. Mark my words though, we’re one or two more Arsenal wins away from "Gooner twitter" coming after us and then City. They can’t help themselves, they do it any time they string a few wins together.
Don’t be fooled though. They’re still Arsenal, albeit a clearly more talented version than we’ve seen in recent years. What they’re doing now is something we see every season though. The main difference is this is happening at the start rather than at some random point in October or February etc.
I've seen this movie before. Arsenal gorge themselves on shite, get so fat they can barely move and then they’ll vomit all down themselves. The pukefest is coming. They’ve got so many easy fixtures coming up that it’s nailed on they’ll be chucking up carrots in one of them. They have: Bournemouth away, Fulham and Villa at home, United away, Everton at home, Brentford away.
My money is on either Bournemouth or Brentford to bring them crashing back to reality. I genuinely hope Arsenal absolutely fucking annihilate United though, just to further ram all that crap from a year ago back down United throats. I hope they twat Everton too, not that it will make up for them enabling the cunts to stay up last year though. Them, Chelsea, United…. All fucking Everton enabling shithouses.
Elsewhere, predictably City beat Bournemouth without breaking sweat. Not watching any of that shit. All I know is Haaland didn’t score so at least there’s that. I read somewhere that he only had eight touches and completed only two passes. They still won 4-0 even with him doing fuck all. Grim.
Gerrard v Lampard ended as any non-eating related Gerrard v Lampard contest should do, with Gerrard coming out on top. Awful game though. Fucking hell.
Ings broke the deadlock with a superb finish. He’s looking like an old man these days. Not in the way he plays, he’s still boss and a real livewire, but he looks old as fuck. He’s ageing like Lampard, and that’s not something anyone wants.
Coutinho did nothing again and I’ve seen some Villa fans on twitter starting to get fed up with him now. He was replaced by Buendia who just looks far busier and more engaged in the game. He made it 2-0 after combining well with Watkins following an error by Onana. Can’t believe Shearer stole my Rihanna joke by the way. I should sue for that. I might fire off an email to Patrick Reed’s lawyer. One for the golf fans there.
The new signing made amends by bursting through and firing in a low cross that Digne put through his own net. Too little too late for the Blues though.
Onana is highly rated but I can’t be having it that he’s any good, because if he was why the fuck would he end up at Everton in their current state? He must be shite, and if he’s not then he’ll only be there a year anyway. I hope for his sake he’s a relegation release clause.
Southampton v Leeds was decent. Southampton’s kit was much more than that though. Beautiful. They always have boss kits though. Maybe we should have used that Rickie Lambert money on signing their kit designer instead.
My boy Bamford went off injured after half an hour, which does not bode well for Leeds this season as he’s the key to their survival. They did alright without him though to be fair. Rodrigo put them in front with a delicate near post finish from a Harrison cross, and then made it 2-0 with a close range header from a corner. Southampton’s defending on that set-piece was comical though. He’s in about six yards of space a couple of yards from goal.
The Saints were in big trouble as this is the kind of game you really can’t lose if you’re them. I know it’s only August, but if you know you’re in a relegation fight then you can’t lose at home to a team likely to be in and around you. I doubt there’ll be much of a gap between these two sides so a Leeds win would have been massive for them.
They couldn’t hang on though. New signing Aribo pulled one back with a shit finish that he almost blew, and then Walker-Peters levelled with a nicely taken goal from a brilliant no look pass by Mara, who looks an interesting talent. He’s only 19 I think I heard, but he looked really good.
Southampton deserved their point for the strong way they finished the game and to be honest they probably deserved all three just because of the kit.
Tell you who I’m not having. The new Southampton keeper. He might be good, but he’s too flashy and loves a camera save. Shades of that Darlow cunt at Newcastle about him. He’s not for me, but I reserve the right to change that view as it’s early days and this is a small sample size. I’ve got my eye on him though.
Newcastle got a spawny 0-0 at Brighton despite getting fucking pummelled for 90 minutes. Brighton were excellent and had all of the chances but they couldn’t score. Lallana has started the season very brightly, which means his groin will go next week. Obviously I hope not, but we know it’s coming.
I can’t even look at Eddie Howe these days you know. His face sends me into a rage. I always had a lot of time for him but now I just see a fucking gutless little worm, shilling for the Saudis. They sent a mother of two to jail for 34 years this week because she followed and retweeted twitter accounts they didn’t like. She’s a student in Leeds so unlike the women over there she has the luxury of saying what she thinks. Unfortunately she went back home for a holiday and was thrown in jail for her ‘crimes’, which included retweeting a female activist who was tortured for supporting *checks notes* the rights of women to *double checks notes* drive cars. Damn.
Howe should be asked about this every fucking press conference he does until he gives a proper answer rather than just “I’m a football manager”. Same with every golf cunt who takes their money too. Fuck Eddie Howe, fuck any Newcastle fans supporting these owners and fuck the Saudi royal family. Fuck Greg Norman too.
Anyway, moving on before I end up further down the Saudi human right rabbit hole. When Fulham played so well against us last week I deliberately made sure I didn’t fall for it. Every time they’re in the Premier League I get suckered in by them looking decent whenever I’d watch them. “They’ll stay up them you know, there’s defo three teams worse than them.” I'd say. Then before you know it, they’re 12 points adrift in March and heading back down.
Wolves created loads of chances against them but Wolves can’t score. It’s been killing them for a couple of years now. They’ve got nice technical players up front but they just don’t find the net enough. Fulham did virtually nothing but would have won had Mitrovic not fluffed his lines with a penalty. Couldn’t have done that last week could he, the big gormless twat.
It all kicked off at the end when Mitrovic hacked down Gibbs-White, who leapt to his feet confront him. They went at it like a couple of rutting stags, there was real force behind both of them as they went head to head. This was much worse and more aggressive than Nunez on Anderson, but the difference here is that these two were wanting to show how tough they are, not just get a red card for the opponent. To be clear, not a defence of Nunez nor a criticism of Anderson. Merely a statement of fact. Men being men, playing a man’s game and going at it like a couple of men, just like you want to see, ain’t that right, Souey?
Mitrovic should have been sent off though as the foul was well worth a yellow, as was the head to head confrontation. Somehow he escaped it though. As for Gibbs-White, he’s joining Forest for *checks notes, twice, then checks again to be sure* £44m. Not gonna lie, this is fishy as fuck. There’s no way that can be a legit deal. There has to be some shady Mendes action going on somewhere. Maybe they’re paying over the odds on this in return for him doing them a favour down the line. There’s just no way anyone is legit paying £44m for a lad who has been on the Wolves bench for three years.
When Wolves first came up I thought he was going to be a star as his cameos looked great, but they’ve hardly picked him since. He had a loan spell at Swansea and did fuck all too from what I remember. I think he did quite well at Sheff United last season but not well enough to command that kind of fee. This transfer fee is so ludicrously mental that the most surprising aspect of it is that Everton aren’t the ones paying it.
Onto Sunday now and Forest recorded their first top flight win in 20 odd years as they overcame West Ham at the City Ground. The only goal of the game was scored by the lesser spotted Taiwo Adoniyi who was a Liverpool player for about five years without ever kicking a ball for us. Good start for him. The goal was ugly as fuck though, but then Jesse Lingard was involved so *shrugs*
West Ham probably deserved something as they had chances, missed a penalty, hit the bar twice and also had a goal ruled out due to Antonio doing a passable impression of an NFL offensive lineman blocking a linebacker on a half back draw play. Just completely bowled him over. Forest had one ruled out too though.
Finally, Chelsea v Spurs was every bit as dramatic and incident packed as we’ve come to expect. It’s boss this fixture, there’s always mad shit happening. Chelsea were the better side and should have won. They went ahead with a volley from Koulibaly, who somehow found himself completely unmarked from a corner. The first half was all Chelsea but they didn’t make it count and gradually Spurs began to claw their way back.
And then it all went off. Firstly, I can’t believe Chelsea didn’t get a free kick for that Bentancur challenge on Havertz. It was too far back for VAR to check though. Secondly, Richarlison is a yard offside and has to jump out of the way of the shot, so you can make a good case that it factors into what the goalkeeper does. Thirdly, even though the offside is one that you give either way, because the ref has fucked up by missing the foul then you just side with Chelsea to ensure you get the right outcome. I’m not saying you make shit up to compensate for a poor decision, but if you’ve got something that can go either way and you fuck over the team that’s already been stiffed, that’s not good.
Tuchel had been kicking off with the fourth official over the foul that was missed, so he was already on the touchline when the goal went in. Conte gave it the usual provocative, animated celebration and Tuchel went for him. They had to be separated, not for the last time either.
Chelsea continued to dominate and waste chances until Reece James finally put one away. Tuchel celebrated by running up the line and charging past Conte in the process. Conte didn’t see him as he was looking at the floor, but he later posted on Instagram that he should have tripped him up as it would have been deserved. Damn.
Then more drama. Spurs equalised right at the death with a Kane header from a corner, but seconds before that Romero pulled Cucurella to the floor by his hair, right in front of Anthony Taylor, who ignored it. The game was stopped as Mike dean on VAR checked it, but astonishingly no foul was given again. I have a theory on this. It’s hair envy. Two little bald fucks like Taylor and Dean saw Cucurella being dragged to the floor by his thick, luscious, flowing locks, and basically they just said “fuck him, that’s what he gets for having hair”.
Because honestly there’s no other explanation for that, other than they had money on the draw or just didn’t want Chelsea to win. I had no skin in this game and the draw was actually the best result for us, yet I’m pretty pissed about how this went down as it’s just not right. Next time that could be us on the receiving end of this shit. The foul on Havertz that was missed and the Riccharlison offside are decisions you can argue either way, but the hair pull on Cucurella, if that’s not a foul then just what the fuck are we doing here? You can’t have that, it’s outrageous.
Mark Chapman on MOTD 2 gave an explanation along the lines of VAR can only check to see if it’s violent conduct and a red card, and if they think its not a red card they can’t just give a foul, because, get this, there’s nothing in the rules to say that hair pulling is a foul. That makes no sense whatsoever, it’s no different to dragging someone down by an arm or a shirt, except its more dangerous because of the potential for neck injuries. It’s a foul, regardless of if there’s a specific reference to hair pulling in the laws or not. You can’t pull someone back by the hair as its a foul. If it wasn’t, then players would be doing it all the time.
Chelsea got fucking done over massively here. It reminds me a little of what happened to us against Spurs last season. Scandalous really.
Conte and Tuchel clashed again at the whistle and were both red carded, and of course Azpilacueta made sure he got involved too. Conte is his former boss so initially you think maybe he’s there to try and calm things down. Then you remember he’s one of the biggest aggro loving snide little fucks in the league and you think, ‘nah, he’s just making it worse’. You can set your watch by him. As soon as there’s something going off, Azpilacueta is on the scene immediately.
I have lots of thoughts on this. I don’t mind Conte, but he is one bad knobhead on the touchline. As I say, I don’t mind that because it’s funny, but there’s a double standard here whereby he gets a free pass for the shit he pulls because he’s Italian so everyone laughs and talks about the ‘Latin temperament’ and how ‘passionate’ the Italians are. When you’re German and look like an absolute fucking dork, you don’t get that kind of leeway and people just say you’re a knob.
I’ve had my problems with Tuchel in the past, mainly when he was at PSG and he gave off really bad paedo vibes on the touchline. But since he’s been at Chelsea I think he’s been alright and I’ve warmed to him a bit. He’s a bit weird, but he seems like a decent enough guy to me. And I fucking loved what he did at full time. Loved it.
Conte gave a cursory handshake and was about to go bouncing off to celebrate but Tuchel wouldn’t release his hand and you could see him basically saying along the lines of “look me in the eye when you shake my hand you hyperactive little fucking tit”. Conte went mad but Tuchel stood his ground and wasn’t intimidated. Big fan of that.
I also liked how he calmly just laughed the whole thing off in his interview afterwards and said there are no hard feelings and its just football. Conte played it down too and they seemed baffled as to why they were given red cards. Lots of reasons really, the main one being Anthony Taylor is a fucking clown.
Of course then you go on twitter and it’s full of shit like “Conte would fucking murder him”. No, what’s more likely to happen is that Conte would beat him up and then Tuchel would go home and get some chloroform, bubble wrap, gaffer tape and his sharpest scalpels and then just slice him up piece by piece before dumping him in the Thames. I’d much rather be on Conte’s hit list than Tuchel’s.
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