I’ve had a great summer. It started in June with us winning number six. It got even better a few weeks later as I sat on the Kop watching Bon Jovi performing “Livin’ on a Prayer”. Then we got a new puppy. So life was good, it was a dream summer. And then the new season starts, Man City win 5-0 away and all of a sudden I’m sat here thinking “winter is coming”.
I expect in a few weeks I’ll end up on a self imposed boycott of their games but for now I’m going to soldier on and report back with my thoughts on the fuckers.
In fairness I can’t say what City did this weekend surprised me too much as West Ham are dreadful. They’re starting Jack Wilshere, for fucks sake. That tells you all you need to know. Fortunately for the Hammers he’ll be injured in a few weeks and Mark Noble will be back in. Noble has his critics but I always feel that West Ham are better with him than without.
West Ham had a club record signing starting up top against City. £45m he cost and I’ve never even heard of the cunt. He’s bound to be shit, although I thought that about Felipe Anderson last year and he’s been very good. Still, they had to get one right eventually.
Jesus set City on their way but the goal was all about the raw blistering speed of Walker. Obviously we all know he’s quick, but fucking hell that was mad how he just burned off Cresswell. Last time I saw pace like that it was Gabby Agbonlahor at Anfield, before he went fat and shit.
Walker was like the fucking road runner. Honestly, if I had ever been able to run like that I’d have been utterly unbearable as I’d be shouting “Beep Beep” every time I sprinted past someone.
De Bruyne put the second on a plate for Sterling, and seconds later it looked like it was three when Jesus tapped in Sterling’s cross. VAR chalked that one off though. Sterling was literally an inch offside, and even that was only visible by the lines drawn on the screen, as to the naked eye he looked well on.
Sterling made it 3-0 with a lovely composed finish. VAR had a look at that too, as it looked more offside than the first one in real time. This one was an inch onside and the goal stood. Is this really what we want though? Technically both decisions are right, but the whole thing is a fucking farce and fans and players aren’t celebrating goals properly because they’re worried it will be chalked off.
It intervened again when Aguero’s shit penalty was saved by Fabianksi, only for it to be retaken because VAR spotted that Rice had encroached and because he cleared the rebound, Aguero got a second chance which he buried.
VAR was brought in to remove the controversy over incorrect decisions and stop people talking about bad decisions. Instead everyone is talking about VAR. It hasn’t made anything better, it’s just a different kind of shit. I hate it.
Sterling broke clear for his hat-trick in stoppage time. He’s a good bet for the Golden Boot this year I reckon, he seems to score every fucking week and he’s hardly ever rested either. If he keeps improving the way he has been he might be worth us taking a look at in a year or two.
Villa are back in the top flight, but hopefully not for long. It took me about five seconds of MOTD’s highlights of their game at Spurs to remember just how much I can’t stand these fuckers. What set me off? That stupid “Yippy aye ay, Yippy aye oh” song of theirs. I fucking hate Villa you know. There’s just something about them that irritates the fuck out of me. They’re by far the worst of all the Midlands clubs, which makes some doing. It’s like being the smelliest turd.
I think of all the teams who aren’t traditional rivals or who aren’t competing with us for trophies, Villa are the one I’ve got the biggest downer on. It’s them or Newcastle, but I’m pretty sure it’s them. That might change on a week to basis but if you ask me now who’d I’d rather see go down, Villa or Newcastle, then right now I’m saying Villa.
So much so that I was actually glad they lost at Spurs, even though a Spurs loss would have been good for us. The fact they led for so long and will have gotten their hopes up just makes it even better, although Spurs can fuck off with those late wins.
John McGinn’s brilliant finish gave Villa an early lead and they had other chances to add to it. Trezeguet missed two good openings, which will have surprised nobody who has ever watched him playing for Egypt alongside Mo. He’s garbage. He moves like shit off a stick, but he plays like… well, shit on a stick.
They held out until 73 minutes when Spurs new boy Ndombele lashed one in from distance. Kane put Spurs in front with four minutes after Lamela picked the pocket of Grealish on the edge of the box. Grealish still thinking he’s strutting around like King Dick in the Championship there. You don’t get that kind of time in the big league, son.
Kane then drilled a low shot into the bottom corner to make it 3-1 in stoppage time. I liked it much better when he couldn’t score in August, the slobbe… no, I won’t finish that insult. I’m actually going to try and be nice to Kane this season. So I’ll refrain from personal insults as long as he doesn’t act the twat. I feel as though everyone is taking the piss out of him these days and it’s making me want to go the other way. First time he steps out of line though, all bets are off.
Finally on this one, how come Alderweireld is still at Spurs? Hasn’t he had 12 months left on his contract for the last four years?
Moving swiftly on, and Wilf Zaha defo wins the award for Plonker of the Summer. Imagine actually pissing off your own club and fans by pushing for a move to Everton. What the actual fuck was going on in his head? That was a “five to two in a nightclub, grab whatever bird is left on the dancefloor” type of move from him.
He should have had much better clubs in for him than Everton, but he can thank his agent for the fact that the only offer he had was from a club who were never genuinely serious about signing him anyway. He signed a new deal at Palace with a big fat pay rise, which meant that they held all the cards. He got more money but it effectively took away any escape route. Palace have him tied down and don’t have to sell him unless they get the asking price they want.
Everton knew the asking price and didn’t even get within £30m of it. And he still put a transfer request in to force it. What a plonker.
He was left on the bench for Palace’s opener, ironically against Everton. He should have been sat there squirming with embarrassment throughout the whole thing. Needless to say, he’s no longer my boy.
Everton were all over them in the first half but Palace had the better of the second and it needed two big saves from Pickford to preserve their point. He wasn’t happy with the defending and let them know it. It’s funny really, Everton have gone from having a keeper who actually had Tourette’s, to one who just looks like he has.
Schneiderlin was sent off for two yellows, the first of which should earn him a hefty fine as it was stupid as fuck. Beating the ground repeatedly after a decision went against him. What did he think would happen? Tit. Actually the second should get him a fine too, as leaving your foot in like that when you’re already on a yellow is irresponsible.
The surprise result of the weekend was Brighton thumping Watford at Vicarage Road. Going into the season Brighton would have been one of my three picks to go down. They still might be, because having watched the highlights of the game I reckon it was a fluke result.
Maybe the new manager will be really good though, time will tell. He’s got a good track record and he does things a little differently, so we’ll see. One thing that’s obvious even after one game is that Brighton aren’t going to be as ultra defensive as they were under Hughton.
Doucoure’s own goal broke the deadlock early and Andone’s sharp finish doubled Brighton’s lead midway through the second half. New signing Maupay, who they got from Brentford, came off the bench and added a third with a nice finish from a brilliant through ball by Dunk. The score flattered them a bit though and I’m holding fire on changing my mind about their shitness.
MOTD have a little ticker bar at the bottom showing all the ins and outs of each club. This is great for lazy bastards like me who haven’t kept track of the summer market. I noticed on Watford’s list of outs that they sold someone called Dodi Lukebakio for £18m. Who the fuck is he, why have we never seen him, and how did they get £18m for him?
He went to Hertha Berlin, who I can only assume are managed by the German Eddie Howe if this is the kind of transfer deal they do. Football is fucking mad these days.
They also signed someone for a similar fee. Ismaila Sarr from Stade Rennais, who if I remember rightly is the lad who played right back for Senegal at the last World Cup and makes Kyle Walker look like a fucking tortoise. Interested to see how he does.
Sheffield United are a team I know absolutely nothing about, but they played really well at Bournemouth and got a point. Mepham’s close range effort put the home side in front but with three minutes left Billy Sharp equalised. Dream come true for him. A boyhood Blade who spent his career in the lower leagues, he makes his top flight bow at the age of 33 and scores.
I noticed that on Bournemouth’s bench were Ibe, Solanke and Harry Wilson. God bless you, Eddie.
Tell you what though, Man United have completely fucked the transfer market by paying what they did for Maguire. Now other clubs are demanding similar fees for similarly ‘good but not great’ players. Nathan Ake is still at Bournemouth because an £80m fee was slapped on his head. I like him, but come on, that’s mind boggling.
Dunk is still at Brighton too because Leicester wouldn’t pay the asking price for him. He’s essentially a Diet Coke Maguire so in fairness why wouldn’t they want massive money for him? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and that. Your own fault, Brendan. You charge £80m for Maguire than this is what you get.
Southampton got off to a terrible start by crashing and burning at Burnley. My boy Ashley Barnes scored twice and Gudmundsen added another. I’ll call it now, Barnes will get between 15-20 goals this season. Both his finishes were quality in this one. He might be the most under-rated player in the league.
Southampton’s defending though, fucking hell. That eight foot tall lad with the long hair had a ‘mare, and his misjudgement of a bounce on Barnes’ first goal was pure slapstick. Imagine selling Van Dijk and replacing him with that guy. That’s some Suarez / Balotelli style incompetence that is.
Burnley have Nick Pope as their number one again. He lost his place through injury to Joe Hart who then lost it to Tom Heaton who has now been sold to leave the way clear for Pope again. Hart is on the bench, which is quite the fall from grace considering where he was a few years ago. He must hate Guardiola even more than I do.
Onto Sunday, and Newcastle got off to a predictable start under Steve Bruce, losing 1-0 at St James’ to Arsenal. They weren’t terrible, but then they were only playing Arsenal. And look at the absolute state of that Arsenal side these days. Fucking hell. They had two lads in there I’ve never even heard of.
They were just about good value for the win although the first half was pretty even. Newcastle had a go but they lack quality and Steve Bruce is their manager.
Almiron, the worm with eyebrows, got booked for a shocking dive. What was he hoping to gain by that? Has no-one told him that VAR is here now? Even if he’d fooled the ref he’d still have been booked and had the pen taken off him. Unless the ref was a woman and the powers that be were too frightened to over rule her, obviously.
The Toon fans have been threatening boycott’s and protests, but they still showed up in their usual numbers. When they do protest there’s usually only about 20 of them, and everyone mocks them. They shouldn’t be mocked, it’s the gobshites who aren’t doing anything that deserve mocking.
Big Andy is back there now though. I’ll set the over / under on starts for him at 12.5, and I’ll take the under. He didn’t play in this one, as naturally he isn’t fit. The other centre forward they signed looked quite promising though. I really hope he isn’t any good though as I can’t be doing with all that “Newcastle’s great number nines” bollocks we’re subjected to any time some cunt scores a goal or two. Remember the brief fuss over that Papis Cisse jabroni?
I don’t like Newcastle’s kit either. Well, it’s actually quite nice, but it doesn’t look like a Newcastle shirt so from that point of view I must frown upon it.
Tell you what else I frown upon. Brendan’s transfer dealings. He signed that Ayoze Perez loser. What is it the kids say these days? “I can’t even”. Not only did he sign him, he started him against Wolves in their first match. What the fuck, Brendan? Do Leicester have a transfer committee he can pin that one on?
The game ended 0-0 and neither team really performed. Wolves had a goal bizarrely ruled out by VAR. I’m irrationally angry about it because if the ball had hit the arm of a defender like that rather than the attacker, there’s not a chance in hell a penalty would have been given, so why was this disallowed?
I’ll tell you why. Because the law changed and now if the ball hits an attackers arm / hand, even accidentally, it’s no goal. What a fucking shit rule, but it’s what I’ve come to expect now as these cunts in suits are ruining our game.
Nuno Holy Spirit was fuming about it and who can blame him. These two sides could be neck and neck this season and that decision might prove costly. Either one of these sides could break into the top six if they build on last year and United and / or Arsenal are as bad as I suspect they might be.
Finally, Chelsea’s trip to Old Trafford was a bit weird. Two teams that you would generally regard as powerhouse of this league, but they’re both bang average right now. United won 4-0 but didn’t look that good. Chelsea lost 4-0 and didn’t look that bad. The truth is they’re both mediocre.
Chelsea had the better of it early on but they didn’t score when they should have, and then conceded a soft penalty. Manchester’s own Anthony Taylor couldn’t wait to give that, the baldy bastard. Interesting that Ashford took it and not Pogba. Great pen too. Top bin.
United want to play on the counter attack due to their pace and the fact that Solskjaer isn’t a very good coach and can’t really do much else. So having the lead helps them a lot. Had Chelsea scored first it could have ended 4-0 to them as both of these teams are just so flawed.
As it was, Chelsea pushed forward looking to get back into it and they left themselves too open at the back and paid the price. They were the better side and lost 4-0. Football eh?
Chelsea’s style of play might get them in trouble because some of their players just aren’t good enough to pull it off. Kurt Zouma trying to pass it around in his own box is like what it would be like if I tried to pole vault. Just painful to watch.
Funny seeing some trying to big up Pogba just because of one relatively straightforward through ball though. He’s the biggest fraud in modern football. The FIFA generation love him. I just don’t get it. It’s probably the same wankers who thought Balotelli was ace, and who referred to him as “Balo”.
Daniel James, their new signing from Swansea came off the bench and scored. He did his best to miss it but a deflection bailed him out. I reckon he’s gonna be like another Swansea winger from modern times, Jefferson Montero. Their legs move so fast that their brains can’t always keep up.
That fourth goal was a proper shithouse goal too. Zouma was down in the United box after a clash of heads with Shaw. Both Shaw and Maguire stopped (along with half the Chelsea team) and were signalling for the ref to let the physic on. Taylor ignored it (not sure that’s even allowed with head injuries) and United ran up the field and scored. Cunts.
Happy to call this one now though. Chelsea will finish above them. Is it wrong that I quite like Lampard these days? I fucking hated him back in the day but he seems like a decent fella. That might change now that he’s managing Chelsea, but as of now he’s alright. Watch this space though.
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