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Premier League Round Up (21-23 2022)

What a weekend. Stevie went to Goodison and took three points to ruin Big Dunc’s big day. And as you’d expect, there’s a shitload to unpack from this one. I actually watched the whole game.

 

It’s rare I watch anyone other than us but occasionally there’ll be a game that piques my interest. This was one because the potential for hilarity was off the scale.

 

Everton are in a terrible run and on the cusp on the relegation battle. A defeat would put them right in it, especially after Norwich won the night before to get within three points of them. They’d just sacked Rafa so the fans were all fired up again because Ferguson was in charge. It’s the hope that kills you, remember. So it was worth watching for that.

 

But then you add in Steven Gerrard. And Phil Coutinho. And Danny Ings. So many possible little sub plots that could make it even funnier. And last but not least Lucas Digne, who ended his “love affair’ with the Blues to join Stevie a week earlier. 

 

There was a mood of jubilation and renewed optimism from Evertonians going into this. The big bad wolf had been vanquished and he was the only thing holding them back in the eyes of some. 

 

Ferguson threw a load of cash behind the bars of the local boozers to pay for the first drink for every fan. Top gesture that and I just don’t have it in me to hold any grudge with him. He hates us but I can’t reciprocate it as I respect how much he loves his club and what he does for the fans of that club. He’s literally the only positive thing about Everton these days. If you’re a Blue the only thing that brings any joy is Duncan Ferguson and his love of Everton and Evertonians. How sad is that? Fucking hell.

 

Anyway, Gerrard was greeted with the kind of abuse he’ll have been completely expecting. They even dusted off “the baby’s not yours” chant. Classy. Not that Stevie was arsed, he fucking loves all that. He embraces that “wrestling heel” role and was sucking his thumb in response to it. Next time he shows up there I’m half expecting him to walk out there in a Ric Flair robe, “wooooooing” at the Gwladys Street.

 

Digne was getting pelters too which I thought was amusing because he’d have been welcomed back like the prodigal son if Rafa had still been in the home dugout. Rafa forced him out, he didn’t want to leave, he loves the Blues, this is on Rafa…. what’s that? Rafa’s gone and Dunc’s in charge? Fuck that little French turncoat twat. Signing for Gerrard? He never loved us. Boooooooooooooooo.

 

I don’t know how they maintain the energy to be Evertonians. It must be fucking exhausting and all of the effort never yields any kind of reward. There’s no pay off (unless you’re one of their many sacked managers), only unrelenting misery.

 

They didn’t even get their little moment in the sun with a Big Dunc win over Stevie as Villa walked away with the points, while Stevie was pulling tongues at them and smugly nodding “I’ve still got it!” as he walked off at the end. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the only goal of the game was created by Digne right in front of the Gwladys Street with the last kick of the first half.

 

He’d been getting dog’s abuse as he prepared to take the corner, which was actually delayed as that loon Mina was throwing his weight around in the box and squaring up to Buendia, a man half his size. Digne eventually takes the corner and Buendia nips in front of Mina and heads one into the top corner. Laugh? I nearly shat. But that was just the start.

 

The Villa players ran to celebrate with Digne by the corner flag and it was too much for some Blues to take. Missiles rained down and a Lucozade bottle hit Matty Cash on the head before ricocheting to also strike Digne. Both players were on the floor poleaxed (Digne was playacting the fuck out of it, trying to get those fans he ‘loves’ into big trouble) and I couldn’t fucking breathe for laughing. That was the first shot they managed on target. #evertonarentthey

 

A 19 year old lad has since been identified and charged, but even that was funny as fuck as his name is Roger Tweedle. I don’t know what’s funnier, a 19 year old scouse lad being named Roger, or the whole “Tweedle dumb” thing. I’ll say it again, this is why I gave up writing piss taking articles on the Blues, because it reached a point where their reality was funnier than any kind of parody or jokes I could make about them.

 

The replay of the goal added another layer of mirth. Pickford and his little arms couldn’t quite get there, but but he got the slightest touch on it which was enough to take over the head of Townsend on the line, who would have been able to head it away had Pickford not got that tiny touch. Then we saw Duncan on the touchline giving it the full Hodgson face rub. Just too funny.

 

Funniest goal since Divock in the derby. It reminded me of that in some ways due to the extra layers that are there when you watch more and more replays. Every time I watched this I saw something else. There’s a fan in a white hoody having a full on meltdown when the ball hits the net. The whole thing is gold.

 

As for the game itself, it was BRUTAL. Not in a physical sense, I mean it was brutal to watch. The first half wasn’t great but the second was as poor as anything I can ever remember. No quality, no football played by either team, just long balls and stoppages. Villa forgot how to play football but at least they stood up to the aerial bombardment and intense physicality. Gerrard was understandably delighted with the steel showed by his team whereas Ferguson just looked like a beaten man, he was almost apologetic in his post-match interview. 

 

They’re fucked. I’m not getting my hopes up too much about relegation because they’ve still got better players than most clubs down there (Calvert-Lewin, Grey, Richarlison, Allan, Townsend etc) but they aren’t well coached, the atmosphere around the place is toxic as fuck and if they don’t win any of their next three games then that really does put them right in the mix. Next up is Newcastle away, then Leeds at home and then Southampton away. They have to win one of those or panic will really set in.

 

Especially as the other clubs down there have been picking up points and showing signs of life. Except Watford, but they responded to an abysmal 3-0 home loss to Norwich by sacking Ranieri and appointing Hodgson. It isn’t the most inspiring of hires but in their current predicament he might be just what they need. He knows how to beat relegation as he’s done it for decades. If he keeps them up at Everton’s expense maybe our fanbase will forgive him?

 

That Josh Sargent loser scored twice, the first of which was like Diet-Divock. That was a fluke though, unlike Divock’s at Preston, Sargent just stuck his foot out and tried to get something on it, there was no direction or skill involved in that. His second goal was decent though. Nice header.

 

Dennis was sent off for a second booking. The first one could have been a straight red but he didn’t learn from it and went in late on Aarons to leave Mike Dean with no choice. Turns out Watford might as well have let him go to AFCON after all as he’s done fuck all and now he’s picked up a suspension. 

 

Watford’s misery was complete when Kucka put through his own net in stoppage time. Dean Smith has somehow breathed life into the corpse that was Norwich. If they stay up then he’s manager of the year regardless of what anybody else does. Unless Kloppo wins the league in which case I withdraw that remark.

 

Ranieri can have no complaints. The only game I can remember him winning was at Goodison, and everyone has been beating the Blues these past few months. Except Arsenal of course, the fucking shitbirds. You know the disdain I have for Arsenal anyway, but if they’d beaten Everton like they were supposed to, the Blues would be level with Norwich, two ahead of Newcastle and one ahead of Watford right now. That might actually be the result that keeps them up, so fuck you Arsenal you absolutely pathetic weak cunts.

 

The Gunners - actually I think they should be stripped of that nickname as guns are threatening and dangerous, two things Arsenal aren’t - couldn’t even beat Burnley this weekend. Burnley who haven’t played a game for three months and who in that time off lost their leading goalscorer to a relegation rival. Finished 0-0 and Arsenal fans are back to being despondent about their team again. 

 

Remember back in the day I used to talk about the Wengo-meter and how it would wildly swing from in to out based on how they did that week? Nothing has changed. It may not be Arteta In/Out but Arsenal fans quickly go from smug, cocky, delusional about their team’s chances to thinking they’re the worst team ever and that every player has got to go. They’re so fucking neurotic those fans.

 

They’ll spank someone shit next week and they’ll be giving it the “we need a contract for Laca, he’s better than Jota” and “Kieran Tierney is the best left back in the world blud”. Then they’ll get beat by Watford and they’ll want the whole thing torn down again. A week ago these fuckers were telling the world that Liverpool were scared to face them and faked a COVID outbreak to get a postponement. Fucking mentalists.

 

Good point for Burnley though and I’m hoping their experience of these bleak, relegation battles will stand them in good stead for the remainder of the season. It does feel like this is the year they’ll go, but as long as Everton and Newcastle are in that mix then I’m all in on Dyche and his boys.

 

The Mancs beat West Ham with the last kick of the game at Old Trafford. They’re so fucking shit and at least half the wins they have were undeserved. They might get fourth just because nobody else is good enough to just go out and grab it. A few weeks ago West Ham were being talked up. Then it was Arsenal. Now it’s Spurs. But none of them are any good and United will just keep bumming about, playing shit and nicking games they don’t deserve, and by the end of the season they’ll probably back door their way into fourth spot as everyone else falls away.

 

Newcastle beat Leeds at Elland Road. I have mixed feelings. I want Newcastle to go down and can’t root for them to win any game, but then I’m asking myself “what if it comes down to them or Everton?”. What then? Who would I want to go? It has to be Everton for me even though I know I’d end up regretting that if and when Newcastle turn into the new Man City. 

 

I am conflicted about this as my hatred of what Newcastle now are and what their fans have always been probably exceeds any dislike I have of the Blues. My head tells me that Newcastle going is for the best, but the heart wants what the heart wants though. And the hearts wants Everton to go the way of Nottingham Forest.

 

Shelvey got the only goal of the game with a free-kick that Meslier should have saved. He’s shite him. One of those Pickford / Ramsdale types who makes some incredible saves and drops loads of clangers.

 

Remember when the Mancs wanted to sign Longstaff and Newcastle quote them £50m? Good times. Now you’ve got Newcastle fans bitching because the Mancs wanted a loan fee from them for Martial but then let him join Sevilla for no loan fee. I saw one cunt saying “Racism. Pure and simple”. Sportwashed already. Didn’t take long.

 

Firstly, every club should treat Newcastle like this now, and secondly why the fuck would Martial want to go there when he could go and challenge for the title in Spain?

 

Huge result for the Geordies though and a bad one for Leeds, who are still on the cusp of it while having just enough of a cushion to probably feel safe. When my boy Bamford is back they’ll be fine I reckon.

 

Wolves won again and might be forcing themselves into the fourth place discussion. I’m not exactly sure how they’re doing it considering their lack of goals, but they’re right in the thick of it now.

 

Two Brentford players clashed heads and it was fucking brutal. Hard to watch that. They were replaced by concussion subs, which is a good thing as previously they’d have been stitched up and sent back out there. Do they have concussion subs at AFCON? I’m assuming not seeing as how Sadio was left wandering around not knowing what day it was.

 

The game was then stopped because some tit was flying a drone over the stadium. There was 20 odd minutes stoppage at the end of a first half in which Wolves had carried the bigger threat but had no cutting edge.

 

Jimenez was missing so Fabio Silva was leading the line. He’s got a big reputation and I’ve seen a couple of flashes from him where you can see there’s something there, but he looks to me like the type of striker who will score shitloads in another league but will do nothing over here. He’s not quick, he’s not strong, he doesn’t hold the ball up, doesn’t dribble much…. he might do well in a possession based team that creates loads of chances but that’s not Wolves.

 

Moutinho put them ahead just after the break with a lovely outside of the boot finish, but my boy Toney levelled soon after with an emphatic thumping volley. Neves restored Wolves’ lead almost immediately and then Traore looked to have wrapped it up in stoppage time with a strong run and finish. No-one thought there was anything wrong with that. There were no appeals, it didn’t even look like there was a whiff of offside about it and then VAR ruled it out because it was actually offside. Deceptive that one.

 

It all kicked off at the full time whistle and Thomas Franks got a red card from the ref. Hard to imagine him being angry enough or abusive enough to get a red card as he’s such a laid back hippy type. He said he was given a yellow for co ntronting an opposition player and then a second ne because the ref felt he ‘turned around too aggressively’ after being given the yellow. Fucking jobsworth traffic warden twat.

 

I’ll jump to Sunday now before circling back to the game at St Mary’s as I feel like ending on a high note.

 

Chelsea have been on a bad run for what feels like months now, but they always beat Spurs. Even in this spell where they’ve struggled they’ve still beat Spurs three times. Spurs at Stamford Bridge are like Everton at Anfield. Or Goodison for that matter.

 

They were a bit unlucky though this time. Kane had a goal disallowed for the tiniest of touches on Thiago Silva who flung himself to the turf. Enough for a free-kick? Debatable, but the irony is sweet as fuck here as usually it’s Kane doing the flinging and getting the decision. Fuck Harry Kane, well played Thiago Silva you crafty old brilliant bastard.

 

Ziyech put Chelsea ahead with a brilliant goal and he was the best player on the pitch, which pisses me off considering how shite he was at the Etihad a couple of weeks ago. Where was this performance then, you little fucking tit.

 

Silva doubled the Chelsea lead when he got on the end of a Mount free-kick and somehow Chelsea were denied a penalty when Skipp rugby tackled Azpilacueta to the floor. The ref gave Spurs the free-kick but how is VAR not telling him to check that? There is zero interest from the officials in sorting out the mess from set-pieces.

 

This was Spurs first league defeat under Conte I think, and they're trying to get Traore in which for me would be a great signing for them. Linking him with Son and Kane would make them a handful for any defence, so I hope it doesn't happen.

 

I mentioned already that Arsenal drew with Burnley so that just leaves Leicester v Brighton, which ended honours even. Daka put Leicester ahead but they never really looked in control and Brighton were always pushing.

 

My boy Lamptey came off the bench and was sensational. What a player he is. If not for that bad hamstring injury he got that kept him out for what seemed like forever, he’d be one of the most sought after players in the league. The problem for him is that us, Chelsea and City have three of the best right backs in world football and there’s no room for him. That’s why Chelsea let him go, but he’s fucking boss.

 

Maupay created the equaliser for Danny Welcrap late on and Brighton almost won it when Dan Burn’s header was cleared off the line, and then Trossard was denied by a brilliant Schmeicel save. I keep saying it, but Brighton are boss. So well coached and enjoyable to watch. Graham Potter is the coach that people (including Brendan himself) think Brendan Rodgers.

 

Finally, City dropped points for the first time in months. Weirdly, it was Southampton holding them to a draw for the second time this season. I have thoughts on this. Southampton have done well against City because they don’t play scared. Sure, sometimes that will backfire and they’ll lose in embarrassing fashion, but the “he who dares” approach works better against City than just cowering in your own box and hoping for the best as Burnley and others so often do.

 

I’ve been saying it all season, City aren’t this invincible force people are making them out to be. They’re a very good side with quality all over the park (helps of course when almost every player in your squad cost £50m plus and is on 300k a week) but they have dropped points and will drop more points. Doesn’t mean we’ll catch them because we’re dropping too many of our own, but I wasn’t shocked that they didn’t beat Southampton.

 

The problem really is that they’re next couple of games are ones they will definitely win. There are some fixtures where I can see possibilities of them slipping up, but Norwich and Brentford do not come into that category and that’s who they have next. After that it’s Spurs though, who beat them on opening day. Stranger things have happened so we need to beat Leicester, Burnley and Norwich and then see where we are.

 

Southampton were really good though. Such a strange team. They took the lead through Walker-Peters and what a goal that was too. Lovely finish but it was the way Southampton really took to the game to them that was so impressive. No fear, that’s how you’ve got to play against them.

 

Broja thought he’d doubled their lead but he was just offside. Sterling then had his customary miss from inside six yards. Great save by Herman Munster to be fair, but that was typical Sterling. 

 

Southampton continued to give as good as they got and chances came at both ends before Laporte levelled with a header from a De Bruyne free-kick. De Bruyne hit the post with a fucking ridiculous 25 yard curling thunderbolt and Jesus also hit the post with a late header as City finished the stronger. 

 

Armstrong should have been sent off for a studs up challenge on Laporte but only a yellow was given. Strange decision that, especially given VAR’s leanings towards City to this point. 

 

Southampton centre back Salisu was incredible by the way. One of the best individual performances we’ll see all season. Round of applause for him. 

 

Grealish wanted to fight Romeu in the tunnel afterwards. Does Grealish actually think he could fight anybody, let alone that grock? I’m impressed by his chutzpah if nothing else.

 

Guardiola though, what an absolute fucking weird little man he is. Absolute wrong ‘un and a proper unlikeable cunt. Just look at this interview, the fucking oddball….

 

 

 

 

 


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Some good quips in this round up. Traore to spurs seems to be off because he doesnt want to play as a wingback?

 

I didnt watch the shite v Villa but anyone know why one Villa player celebrating the goal in that mod isnt wearing a name and number on his shirt? I thought I was seeing things (or not!) but having seen it several times, yes, he has no name and number on his shirt!

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17 minutes ago, dockers_strike said:

Some good quips in this round up. Traore to spurs seems to be off because he doesnt want to play as a wingback?

 

I didnt watch the shite v Villa but anyone know why one Villa player celebrating the goal in that mod isnt wearing a name and number on his shirt? I thought I was seeing things (or not!) but having seen it several times, yes, he has no name and number on his shirt!

He got his original shirt ripped in half in an earlier touchline tackle.

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12 hours ago, tlw content said:

I don’t know what’s funnier, a 19 year old scouse lad being named Roger...

I'm Roger, I'm 26-ish, and so's my wife. 

 

 

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I watched the shites game for the same reasons Dave, comedy gold.

I would take the shite relegated over anyone.

It would be spun as a chance to reset the club and challenge for major honours when the reality is the papa John's cup, knocked out in first round.

As for Pep? Couldn't believe his comments but then there's nothing to believe about that shithouse club.

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