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Terrace Talk - The Steve Kelly column

Getting tense yet? I’m thinking of taking my own CPR expert to the game with me these days. I thought having a good team made you more relaxed… 

 

Ambition gets the better of everyone. They show you the finishing line, you do great things, then people say “just a few yards more”. 

 

For all the previous weeks’ ‘big’ talk about winning a cup and coming top-four being enough, the slightest chance of doing something incredible always gets under your skin eventually.  Older fans, witnesses to some of the most astonishing red success of all, ought to be immune to such nonsense. Let me tell you; we’re not. 

 

Previous giants have won this many games in an entire season and been overloaded with silverware. Klopp’s done it by the first week of March. You can either get massively peeved by that or accept it as the modern sports-washing curse and revel in our new, exciting era. 

 

Why are you reading this on Dave’s website? Good question. I’ve been doing this in The Irish Examiner for twenty years, but I’ve finally been downgraded to ‘casual labour’. “Chances for others”, or some such.  All good things come to an end, or a part-time dribble instead.

 

I see their point; we’re all absolutely made up with this, but you can’t blame others for being utterly bored. How many ways can you write “we won, aren’t we ace”? There isn’t a thesaurus in the world big enough to polish up those paralysed paragraphs. 

 

The biggest battles for Liverpool nowadays seem to be with fitness and complacency. The games come thick and fast, so do the pulls and strains. 

 

Norwich in the cup should have been put to sleep very quickly, but you can’t blame the opposition for hanging in there and waiting for a break of some sort. We’ve furnished hope so often, even 2-0 is never a guarantee of game over.  As it went on, huddling for warmth in the Main (what kind of insane wind tunnel have they concocted in there?) you could see how it was going to pan out. 

 

I’ve always been iffy about Gomez, frustrating when you can see the kind of player he ought to be. It would be interesting to see him in a team that was constantly under pressure. My guess is he’d be colossal from the necessary focus, but you sense there’s always a comatose slip or two in him.  Maybe I still haven’t forgiven the 7-2? 

 

Taki scored again, with a Suarez-like fury against farmers for some reason. Some childhood incident in a barn, perchance?  

 

Since thrashing Leeds, we’ve still come out on top but averaged one goal a game. We’ve played much better than that, but if we’re settling into “phew, job done” mode these are going to be an anxious three months (I hope).  And you just know outsiders are cranking out their Lucky Liverpool tropes. Reading about West Ham, you’d have thought we weren’t in the game at any stage. Preposterous nonsense, which you think I’d be used to by now but am always shocked by.  The BBC even put the caption “Liverpool 0 West Ham 1” on their highlights! If only wishing made it so, eh? Twats. 

 

The Moyssiah still hasn’t got his Anfield win yet, but his cue ball eyes must have widened further still at times on Saturday. Maybe he can sneak onto a tour of the stadium, and knock one in when the guide isn’t looking?  They’d scarred us with that defeat last November since every corner was greeted with a gurgle of disquiet. That’s why Konate played, and he stood up to most of it very well. Antonio’s like a wardrobe with feet, but he can shift when he wants. 

 

Van Dijk did his usual glide through proceedings, so you’re never sure whether he’s been brilliant or just so-so (for him).  Salah’s early miss set the tone for his whole performance, only the lateness of the substitution was a surprise. He’s being watched with extra vigilance, obviously, after all that extra time at Afcon and Wembley. Someone by me shouted early in the second half “come on Mo, you owe us”. Owe us! Wow, just wow. Some of us don’t deserve Liverpool 2022. 

 

Because we’re now so good, even Jon Moss can’t destabilise us. That burst of speed after the interminable Bowen substitution? He looked like a hippo swimming in treacle. 

 

We also look a bit leggy, and for all Jordan’s frenzied late pressing you wonder what he and the rest will have left for another busy week. Inter can’t be taken lightly, and Brighton’s the dreaded midday kick-off. But I’ve been fretting like this all season, and the voodoo reverse-jinx has either worked or (just possibly) this is a hell of a squad that can’t be fazed by anything. I’m not quite sure which.

 

Steve Kelly

@SteKelly198586

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Isnt that the 2nd time someone at the BBC has posted an incorrect scoreline for us recently? Twats. As for someone shouting Mo 'owes us'? Jesus wept. Probably one of those clowns who claps halfway through YNWA thinking it's finished!

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46 minutes ago, Arnaud said:

Great reading, used to love TTW&R. 

Yeah agree Arnaud. Used to love Manc Watch, Devil's Advocate and Ste's editorial. I think I got a mocking Letter of the Month about the time Blackburn won the PL in that game at Anfield!

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Thanks Steve. Great reading. More please. But, a few things to remember:

1. No "my boys" that change according to the day of the week. 

2. No daft references to Bon fucking Jovi.

3. No stupid american terminology.

4. Not once are you allowed to make lame jokes, punctuated with comments like "That's what you pay your subs for."

5. Try and produce any match reports within, say, a week (rather than a month) of the match. 

6. Don't be seen hanging around the Paisley Gates with a few "mates", stinking of Strongbow and asking passers-by "Spare a quid for me bus home please mate." 

 

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On 08/12/2021 at 12:04, deiseach said:

There was a point in my life when I thought I could gazump Steven Kelly for his gig writing for the Cork/Irish Examiner. Never mind that local spouting local stuff, get the perspective of an Irish Red! I even had an 'in', of sorts - I had made the acquaintance of the head honcho at De Paper (which in itself is an in-the-know reference) in the course of a series of school quiz nights that were staged by them. He was a fanatical Liverpool fan and never failed to being up the subject in my company. I never followed through on it, which was telling in itself as I subsequently discovered that I wasn't really cut out for whole journalism world. Still, I coulda been a contender.

simpsons-1.jpg

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7 hours ago, rb14 said:

Thanks Steve. Great reading. More please. But, a few things to remember:

1. No "my boys" that change according to the day of the week. 

2. No daft references to Bon fucking Jovi.

3. No stupid american terminology.

4. Not once are you allowed to make lame jokes, punctuated with comments like "That's what you pay your subs for."

5. Try and produce any match reports within, say, a week (rather than a month) of the match. 

6. Don't be seen hanging around the Paisley Gates with a few "mates", stinking of Strongbow and asking passers-by "Spare a quid for me bus home please mate." 

 

Funny as fuck.

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9 hours ago, rb14 said:

1. No "my boys" that change according to the day of the week. 

Steve has only one boy. Jota.

9 hours ago, rb14 said:

 

2. No daft references to Bon fucking Jovi.

Steve sang along to Livin' on a Prayer once. He might deny it, but he knows.

9 hours ago, rb14 said:

3. No stupid american terminology.

Is this about 'jabroni' again? Let it go man.

9 hours ago, rb14 said:

4. Not once are you allowed to make lame jokes, punctuated with comments like "That's what you pay your subs for."

Fair.

9 hours ago, rb14 said:

5. Try and produce any match reports within, say, a week (rather than a month) of the match. 

Unfair.

9 hours ago, rb14 said:

6. Don't be seen hanging around the Paisley Gates with a few "mates", stinking of Strongbow and asking passers-by "Spare a quid for me bus home please mate." 

We don't hang around there now because there were too many people wanting to come over and geg in to try and be part of the cool gang. One hanger on in particular was especially tiresome, but we know that he's in the corporate seats and has to go in really early for his prawns, so now we hang around in the pub until he's gone in. 

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On 06/03/2022 at 23:11, dockers_strike said:

Yeah agree Arnaud. Used to love Manc Watch, Devil's Advocate and Ste's editorial. I think I got a mocking Letter of the Month about the time Blackburn won the PL in that game at Anfield!

Takes me back to the mid 90’s reading that.
Roy Evans, The McDonald’s Kop Grandstand, Neil Ruddock, applying for tickets by post, walking from Bank Hall, finishing 4th, seeing the mancs win everything, not a great time, but the fanzine helped 

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Steve on the TLW website is ace. I'm not sure whether it's like the Mega Powers Collide in the 80s, when Hogan and Savage finally joined forces, or when Nature Boy Ric Flair finally came to the WWF in 1992.

 

The Irish Examiner's self-inflicted loss (god knows how many people ONLY buy that paper on a Monday to read Steve. What a stupidly short sighted decision) is TLW's gain and I look forward to what's to come.  

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23 hours ago, redinblack said:

Great article. I still have my back issues of TTWAR, and they still make me laugh my head off. 

 

Welcome, Goatboy.

Missed this I think, what was TTWAR and how come it stopped?

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