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Premier League Round Up (Nov 24-29 2017)

It’s been a busy week of footy and there’s loads to get through, so I’ll get straight into it with a recap of Saturday’s games. Palace beat Stoke at Selhurst Park thanks to a last gasp winner from Big Mama.  

 

Stoke had initially broken the deadlock with a stunning individual goal from Shaqiri. Whenever, wherever, you won’t see many better goals than that... What? That's gold that is. Kinell, you're a tough crowd.

 

Loftus-Cheek levelled from close range but Shawcross should have restored Stoke’s advantage when he somehow missed from half a yard out.  That proved costly as a bit of magic from Zaha teed up Cabaye at the back stick, and although his shot hit the post it fell perfectly for Sakho to win it. Stoke’s defending on that was terrible, particularly Shawcross who was all over the place all day. 

 

Palace will get out of trouble as they’ve got too many good players and Hodgson - limited as he is - knows enough to avoid relegation. Benteke needs to start scoring though, he’s back from injury now but hasn’t found the net all season.  

 

As for Stoke, they’re going to need to sack ‘Useless’ soon. They need only look at West Brom to see the effect getting rid of a deadbeat manager can have. They have had new life breathed into them since sending Pulis on his way and they went to Wembley and drew with Spurs on Saturday. Who saw that coming? No-one. Those players must have REALLY wanted that knobhead gone.  

 

Rondon scored after just three minutes, and it was a weird one as he shrugged Sanchez aside and then scuffed a shot that rolled past Lloris in slow motion. It was met by a stunned silence, and then a second later there was a cheer from the West Brom section. The delay was no doubt a combination of the weak finish and the “wait, have we just fucking scored?” element of it.  

 

Kane equalised late on and Spurs could have won it as they had other chances, but the best opportunity fell to Rondon who couldn’t hit the target from four yards out.  

 

I see that Erik Lamela is back in the Spurs squad. I wondered what had happened to him, I just assumed he’d realised he was crap and gone off to join a boyband or become a catalogue model. He should, because he’s not a footballer, the pretty boy gobshite.  

 

United beat Brighton thanks to a late, deflected, spawn of the devil goal from that turd Ashley Young. I didn’t watch it, I mean why would I? I saw a clip on twitter of Lukaku twice kicking out at a Brighton defender though. “He’ll be in trouble for that when the FA see the video” I said to myself, before I remembered he’s no longer at Everton, he’s a Manchester United player and is now therefore above the law.  

 

Remember those horrible South African bastards in Lethal Weapon 2 who kept committing crimes and then smugly taunting Murtagh & Riggs by going “diplomatic immunity!”. That’s Man United players that is. Acting like twats on the pitch and taunting the opposition and the ref with “diplomatic immunity!”.  

 

Lukaku not getting done for that is fucking outrageous really. If he played for anyone else he’d be sitting out three games now. Fucking joke.  

 

Swansea included some fella I’ve never seen before as they drew 0-0 at home to Bournemouth. Roque Mesa is his name, and judging by his appearance, bootlegging whiskey is his game. The commentator said they signed him for £11m in the summer. He didn't say where from but I assume it was the prohibition era, as just look at him. He's like a Latino Errol Flynn. Bet you he smokes them little thin brown cigarette things.  

 

roquemesa.jpg

 

Anyway, Ki Sun Yung somehow escaped a red card when he shoved the referee. He was trying to get to Ibe but the ref was between them so he just seemed to think “fuck it” and shoved the ref into Ibe. He then had the nerve to tell the ref to “fuck off” after he yellow carded him. Fair play to him.  

 

Moving on, and Newcastle got spanked at St James’ by Watford. It was embarrassingly one sided although the home side started quite brightly. Joselu had a great chance early on but completely missed the ball and it just struck his standing leg and bounced clear, as he fell over on his arse. What a fucking bum he is. If I had to vote for the worst striker in the league he’d be my pick. Terrible he is.

 

Of course he scored against us, but even that was a fucking one in a million fluke. Like I say, he’s fucking shocking. He’s probably a nice fella, but I hate him anyway just for being offensively shit. His place is under threat from the fit again Mitrovic, but if I’m Joselu I’m not overly concerned because that fucking loon is bound to be suspended within a couple of games of coming back. That thick bastard makes Jonjo Shelvey look like Xabi Alonso. 

 

I hate that Richarlison twat too. I say it every week and I’ll keep saying it unless we eventually sign him, at which point I’ll pretend it never happened or I’ll retract it all like I did with Nicky Barmby. I’d spent 18 months calling him Jimmy Crankie in the fanzine, only for us to go out and sign the fucker. Awkward. 

 

Will Hughes found the net for the second week in a row. He’s doing well now we’re into the winter months and there’s very little sunshine. With some players you wonder if they can do it on a wet windy Wednesday at Stoke. With this little albino lad the only question is can he do it on a sunny May afternoon in London. 

 

DeAndre Yedelin deflected a cross into his own net to put Watford two up and then Andre Gray produced a contender the worst finish of the season when he ran clear and then just smashed the ball wide by about four yards from close range. Not that it mattered, he made amends soon after to make it 3-0. In truth Watford should have scored seven or eight but their wastefulness in the final third was staggering at times, not least when Gray managed to outdo his earlier miss with an even tamer effort late on, this time on his strong foot. 

 

Two absolutely embarrassing misses, but they still won 3-0 because Newcastle are abysmal. Us dropping two points to them is the lowest point of the season, it’s far worse than getting battered by Spurs or City, because at least they can play. Newcaste are garbage, just like they were a couple of years ago when they went down. They actually beat us that season, which again might well have been our lowest point that year in my eyes. Safe to say that not beating Newcastle pisses me off big time. Hope they go down, the annoying stripy gobshites. 

 

Not if it’s at the expense of Everton though, obviously. They finally appointed a successor to Koeman but you just know that they’re not really happy about it. Here’s the thing. Everton thought they were too good for Sam Allardyce. They didn’t want to hire him because 1) he’s dodgy as fuck and 2) appointing him is more or less admitting that your sole ambition is staying in the division. They understandably didn’t want to admit that, I mean don’t forget, this was the year the balance of power in the city was supposed to change, but sacking Red Ron only made a bad situation worse and each poor result saw them become more or more desperate. 

 

We can laugh, but let’s be honest most of us have been there. You’ve split up with your bird/bloke (delete as appropriate), you’ve been going the gym, had a subbed or two and got yourself in reasonable shape, then you hit the town and you’re feeling good. Initially you set your sights on what you think is your level or maybe a little bit above, because why not. There’s a sure thing giving you the eye, but swerve that right off. They’re a 3/10 and you’re at least a six and a half now you’ve got a bit of a tan. 

 

Of course, how you view things at midnight is not always the same as it is at 2am when it’s chucking out time and you’re about to leave empty handed. At midnight you’re thinking “nah, no need to lower my standards that much, I’ll go home alone if need be”. Sometimes it pays off and you land the 'Marco Silva' (aka the seven out of ten), but other times it doesn’t and in those moments you can’t always be choosy. 

 

Everton reached that moment this week after following up a 5-1 home drubbing to Atalanta with a 4-1 away one at Southampton. The Saints are tough to play against but they haven’t been scoring many. Enter Everton. It was fucking hilarious. Not as hilarious as their European exploits, but still funny as fuck. My boy Charlie Austin bagged two headers, which he will loved as he’s a big Red. 

 

I’m thinking of petitioning UEFA to ask them to grant the Blues entry into Europe every year, irrespective of their league placing. The games could be shown on Comedy Central, I reckon it’s a sure fire winner that. 

 

Anyway, after those two heavy losses they were at rock bottom, their self esteem was in the gutter and that’s when you’re always vulnerable to an Allardyce. That’s when he pounces. No-one ever goes home with an Allardyce when they’re feeling good about themselves. He’s the football management equivalent of the desperate 2am pick up. He really is your classic 2am munter. They serve a purpose but when it’s over you’ll feel shame and disgust with yourself. Mark my words, Everton will want a long hot shower when they’re done with Allardyce, but in their bitter little world it will all be worth it if they can maybe win (or even draw) a derby along the way and don’t get relegated. 

 

I understand why they did it. With the derby looming, they could no longer afford to ride with Unsy and had to swallow their pride and go crawling back to Fat Sam. If they’d stuck with Unsworth how many would Mané, Salah and Coutinho have put past them? I was genuinely thinking seven or eight was on the cards. Now we might have to settle for five. Everton will defo stay up now though, not because Allardyce is some kind of miracle worker, but because he isn’t a blithering fucking idiot like some of those down there in trouble.

 

By that I mostly mean Moyes. What I’m about to say is 100% serious - West Ham should sack him now. Today. Without a second's hesitation or second guessing. They won’t, but they should. He picked up his first point with a 1-1 draw at home to Leicester on Friday night, but that hammering at Goodison was classic Moyes. Sunderland fans were seeing shit like that every other week last season. He's fucking hopeless and he kills anything good at a club. He's an optimism black hole.

 

Palace got rid of De Boer after four games and got rightly hammered for it, but if West Ham sacked Moyes they’d be doing the right thing and should be applauded for it. Of course they’d also deserve all the shit that comes their way for hiring him in the first place and they’d be out of pocket by millions as they’d have to pay the cunt off, but despite all that the best thing they can do is sack him now. 

 

Losing 4-0 to an Everton side that has been getting embarrassed every other week just about sums up Moyes. Afterwards he pointed to two turning points. The first was the penalty awarded to everton from which Rooney gave them the lead. Hart did get a slight touch on the ball but how can the officials be expected to notice that in real time? No qualms about a pen being given for that. 

 

The other ‘turning point’ he described was his own team missing a pen in the second half. Not sure how big a turning point it can be when you’re already 2-0 down, but that’s Moyesey. After that setback West Ham gave up and let in another couple, one of which was a stunning strike by Rooney to complete his hat-trick.

 

Some of the hyperbole has been ridiculous. It’s not Rooney’s greatest goal and it’s certainly not even in the Premier League all time top ten, but even I will admit it was fucking boss. The technique to strike the ball in the manner he did was something only a handful of current players could do. He’s not what he once was, but his technique is still top notch and that was a lovely goal.

 

We need to talk about Joe Hart though. Credit Rooney for the finish, but what was Hart doing coming out and clearing it straight to him like that? Has there ever been a more dramatic loss of form in a top keeper than what has happened with this guy? He’s the Fernando Torres of goalkeepers. He’s genuinely shite now and he makes mistakes all the time. It’s been that way for about three years, yet before that he was terrific. He’d make the occasional clanger, but then so do the likes of Lloris and Courtois, but he was quality. Now? Now he’s just one step up on the dung pile from Fraser fucking Forster. 

 

Just realised I haven’t mentioned Arsenal yet. They had a spawny win at Burnley on Sunday when they were awarded a penalty with more or less the last kick of the game. Sean Dyche said it was a foul but that "it was never not going to be given". Well if it was a foul than why would it not be given, you big throaty dope. 

 

Arsenal then hammered Huddersfield in midweek and they’re on a good run at the moment. Hence the fact we haven’t heard anything about the fans kicking off on Wenger. It’s coming though. They’ll lose to someone they shouldn’t or they’ll get battered by a rival and all hell will break loose again. Arsenal seem to have the exact same season every year and it’s happening again. 

 

What else happened in midweek? Ok, the Mancs won at Watford but obviously I didn’t watch it and have nothing further to add other than they can fuck off. Spurs lost at Leicester, not really a surprise to me as Leicester are punching below their weight at the moment but have the players to beat anybody on their day. By players to beat anybody, I obviously mean Mahrez and Vardy, who both scored against Spurs. 

 

Brighton and Palace drew 0-0 while West Brom picked up another point thanks to a 2-2 home draw with Newcastle. They would have won but for a late Johnny Evans own goal. That would have been a dream start for Pards against his old club. Great to have him back, he might be a smug, deluded, arrogant cockwobbler, but the Premier League is a more interesting place with him in it. Now for the love of all that is good and pure, can someone please hire my boy Sherwood? 

 

Burnley bounced back from their loss to Arsenal with an impressive 2-1 win at Bournemouth. At the moment it looks like either being them or Watford as the ‘best of the rest’ but I’m sticking with Leicester as they have more talent than anyone outside the top six. And by more more talent, I obviously mean Vardy and Mahrez. Chelsea were far from convincing but just about got the points against Swansea at the Bridge. 

 

Finally, City recorded their second late, late win in four days by breaking Southampton hearts. Once again, they owed their victory to Sterling who has made a habit of scoring late goals this season. He’s City’s top scorer with 13 goals and he’s averaging a goal every 89 minutes, which is brilliant. As I said the other week, he’s obviously a quality player yet he does a very convincing impression of a shit one, probably because he runs like he has a stick up his arse and he shoots like an eight year old. He’s having a great season though, the little tit. 

 

Speaking of tits, all the talk afterwards was about Guardiola and the little ‘Pep talk’ (see what I did there) he gave Nathan Redmond. It looked like he was kicking off but apparently he was complimenting him. "I was telling Nathan Redmond how good he is at the end. Southampton have some super talented players, Redmond is so good one against one. But they didn't' want to play, they were time wasting from the ninth minute. I just wanted them to play." 

 

And that’s Redmond fault, why exactly? The lad is playing to his manager’s instructions, and it’s got absolutely fuck all to do with Guardiola what another manager tells his players to do or not to do. Imagine Pellegrino running on and bitch slapping Sterling while yelling into his face “you’re a great player, but maybe people would think you are even better if you didn’t run like a camp dinosaur”. 

 

Of course Southampton were time wasting and of course they weren’t going to get in an open game with City. I mean fucking hell, they’d be insane to do that. Who does this Guardiola cunt think he is? Someone needs to spell it out for the baldy bastard. Most clubs are owned by a rich fella, but City are owned by a filthy rich fucking COUNTRY!! They have more money than the rest of the league combined and they are quite happy to flout every financial fair play rule there is to ensure they can get the best players. They haven’t lost a game all season and it’s not a level playing field.

 

So no, teams are not going to play football against them, because if they do they’ll probably lose 6-0. If Guardiola can’t handle that, he should go and manage a team where the deck isn’t stacked massively in his favour, the fucking flat track bullying slapheaded cunt. 

 

He’s there in his fucking ivory tower losing his shit over how other teams are approaching games. If they had De Bruyne, Silva, Aguero et al then maybe they’d play the same way that City do, but they don’t so they have to play to their own strengths. Not everyone can look at full backs like Zabaleta, Clichy, Kolorov and Sagna and go "yeah, they're alright, but I think I'm gonna spend £160m on a little upgrade".

 

Honestly, I’m as mad about this as I am with any shit that Mourinho has ever pulled, I just can’t believe the balls on this fucking eggheaded cunt. Haven’t I been telling you all for ages what an absolute twat this fella is?

 

He’s lucky Redmond didn’t lamp him. Imagine how you’d be feeling if your team had just conceded a 96th minute goal to have a point snatched from you, and then the opposing manager has his stupid shiny bald head right in your face yelling like a madman about how he didn’t like the tactics your team employed.

 

If he’d done that to me his teeth would now be keeping his hair company in the afterlife.  Fuck ‘Pep’ and fuck anyone who doesn’t see him for the absolute arrogant bell whiff that he is.


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I'm still seething about Guardiola. Fucking tit thinks he can do whatever he likes, and all the fucking hipsters who tongue his balls every week will defend him no matter what.

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I'm still seething about Guardiola. Fucking tit thinks he can do whatever he likes, and all the fucking hipsters who tongue his balls every week will defend him no matter what.

Never rated him.

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I'm still seething about Guardiola. Fucking tit thinks he can do whatever he likes, and all the fucking hipsters who tongue his balls every week will defend him no matter what.

 

You could be talking about Mourinho there...or Trump...or a load of other people

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Hahaha, a very good side splitting round up. Fully agree about Moyes, they'd be deluded to keep placing any hope of survival under the fraud. Also agree about Guardiola, hate how everyone kisses his arse, it was bad enough when he was in charge of those diving, crybaby fannies at Barcelona, just seems worse at City because it's on the doorstep type thing. 

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