It was the least interesting final day in some time, with everything settled other than the final two top four places. Everyone knew City and Arsenal would win, so that meant our game was the one with the most riding on it for the neutral, although the only people who believed there was any chance of us not beating Boro were the pessimistic, once bitten twice shy element of our support. Y’know, people like me.
At least it was in our own hands though, as we’d have been royally screwed if we’d had to rely on the Blueshite to do us a favour. They dropped Barkley to the bench at the Emirates, with some suggesting that it was related to him still not signing a new contract. Bollocks. Koeman said it was tactical, which is probably true, but not necessarily in the way you might think.
I’ll explain. Remember the last time the Blues were in this situation whereby them winning would have done us a massive favour? I do. I remember it all too well, the shitbags. They were a fucking disgrace that day against City and didn’t even try to win the game. The crowd wanted them to lose and the players responded by not even breaking into a sweat. All except Naismith and Barkley, who gave them the lead with a brilliant goal that barely even drew a round of applause, let alone a cheer. That’s why he didn’t start against Arsenal. Can’t be taking any chances by selecting someone who might actually play with some professional pride and indirectly help 'de redshite', eh?
So Barkley started on the bench but was soon brought on to replace lifelong red Tom Davies, who presumably was trying a little bit too hard for Everton’s liking.
It was a dream start for the Blues as they fell behind early to a Bellerin goal. The full back spared Danny Welcrap’s blushes, as he would be getting ripped for the miss of the season had the Spaniard not followed up and scored. So far so good for both sides but then things threatened to go awry when Arsenal were reduced to 21 men after Koscielny was red carded for a terrible tackle on Valencia.
Against anybody else the game would have been in the balance, but never, ever under estimate the Blues’ in built desire to shaft us. Sure enough, Robles the Clown stepped up to the plate and hit one out of the park for the Bitters. Seriously, just look at his pathetic effort here…
Everton goalkeeper WTF pic.twitter.com/LmkvmJkOZG
— Billy Liddell (@Liddellpool) May 21, 2017
At this point we were still 0-0 with Boro, which would have given Arsenal fourth place and ensured that at least some would leave the Emirates with smiles on their faces, even if they were coming out of the away end.
Then the goals started to fly in at Anfield and Everton realised all their loafing around had been for nothing and they may as well have a go now and try to get something from the game. They pulled a goal back with a Lukaku pen and thought they had an equaliser when Valencia headed in, but he was adjudged to have fouled a defender.
That was the end of their resistance and Ramsay eventually curled in his first goal of the season in stoppage time to make the game safe. Remember a couple of years ago when he seemed to score every time he played? What the fuck has happened to him? He’s been Wilshere’d.
So although they ended the season strongly, Arsenal failed to qualify for the Champions League for the first time in 20 years, which is a phenomenal record when you think about it. Their fans are still moaning about Wenger though, and they still have no idea whether he’s staying or not. It’s beginning to look like it might depend on what happens in the cup final. Either that, or they figure it’s best to wait until there are no games left for the fans to protest at. I reckon he’s staying.
City’s game at Watford might have been tricky if Watford had anything to play for or if they hadn’t already announced that their manager was leaving after the game. As it was, City battered them and should have scored ten. They settled for five, but they tore Watford’s makeshift backline apart time and again. City obviously have a lot of talented forwards, but even so you won’t see a worse defensive showing at Premier League level than this.
It was 4-0 at half time and it’s lucky for Watford that City took their foot off the gas in the second half. City finished third and there’s no point arguing whether it was deserved or not. That’s where they finished so that’s that. There was really nothing between us and them, and Arsenal for that matter. Any one of us could have finished third and just as easily finished fifth.
Crouchy got himself another goal, his 10th of the season, to give Stoke three points at Southampton. They’ve got Butland to thank for the win though as he made save after save to keep Southampton at bay. Stoke finished 13th, which is shit considering some of the players they have. Southampton were 8th, which is par for the course with them. Sell players, change manager, finish in the top eight every year.
West Brom, who had looked a shoe in for top eight for most of the season until clocking off early and finishing 10th, took the lead at Swansea with a Johnny Evans header, from a corner, but I probably don’t need to even bother adding that anymore do I? Swansea levelled through a set-piece of their own when Llorente headed back across goal for Jordan Ayew to finish. He’s the Phil to his brother’s Gary. Llorente got the winner with five minutes left, meaning West Brom didn’t win any of their last nine games. Way to motivate your players, Tony.
Vokes put Burnley ahead at Turf Moor, but West Ham hit back with goals from Feghouli and the good Ayew to end the season in 11th. That flatters them somewhat, especially as Burnley ended up 16th despite being in mid table most of the season.
Westwood somehow stayed on after a studs up challenge on Collins when he was already on a yellow. I say somehow, but there’s actually a simple explanation for it. Bobby fucking Madley. He's absymal, and apparently he has a brother who refs in the Championship. There's no Gary in that Neville Brother comparison. They're both Phil.
Elsewhere, Bournemouth scored inside a minute at Leicester as Stanislas finished off a quick counter. Vardy equalised esoon after the break and then wrongly had a second disallowed for offside. Leicester ended up in 12th and Bournemouth were 9th, which all things considered surely makes Eddie Howe top three when it comes to manager of the year.
Over at Stamford Bridge it was party time for the newly crowned Champs. What better opponent could you wish for after a week on the piss than Moyes and his sorry Sunderland team. Chelsea put five past them, but not before Sunderland had the temerity to score first through Manquillo. Remember him? Wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, not only did he make no impression here, but that whole season is best forgotten I think as it was utterly fucking miserable.
Pickford had a bit of a mare in this game. His effort at keeping out the first was poor as he could have just kicked it away but instead tried to use his hand and couldn’t get down in time. He should have done better on Hazard’s goal too, and then the third goal was a result of miscommunication between him and Lescott (can't believe he's still playing, what the fuck was Moyes thinking?) that allowed Pedro a tap in.
The fourth from Batshuayi went through Pickford's legs and came about after he had kicked the ball straight to Pedro. He got his hand to the fifth (also from Batshuayi) but couldn’t keep it out, and although everyone is entitled to a bad day, perhaps he’s not quite as ready as most seem to think. I still think he's going to be class, but maybe he needs to stay put a while?
Costa was doing Costa things again. Elbowing O’Shea in the throat and then holding his own face to make it look like six of one, half a dozen of the other, despite him not actually being touched. That’ll be a three game ban next year, although it won’t apply to him as presumably he’ll be in China.
The story here though was nothing to do with how Chelsea played. It was all about the remarkable show of self indulgence from “Captain, Leader, Legend, Adulterer, Racist”. You can add “Narcissist” to that now too. Fucking hell. You’ve got to hand it to old Mongo, he's “big headed” in both senses of the word.
The guard of honour thing in the 26th minute would have been bad enough if it had been Chelsea’s idea, but it turns out that it was Terry himself who came up with it. How much of a vain, egotistical bastard do you have to be to come up with something like that? It’s mind blowing. I mean how does that conversation even go?
Club: “We were thinking of doing something special for you for your last game”.
Normal player’s response: “Nah don’t make a fuss on my account”
Mongo: “Yeah so you facking should, I can’t fink of anyone more deserving”.
Club: “We thought maybe bring you off with a couple of minutes to go so the crowd can give you a standing ovation?”
Normal player’s response: “I suppose that’d be ok, just don’t make too big a deal of it as I don't want to look like a twat.”
Mongo: “Fack off you ungrateful slags. I’m big JT and I’ll come off when I want. 26th minute, guard of honour and make sure that facking patsy Moyes is on board wiv it.”
He’s a fucking case isn't he? When he was grilled about it afterwards he basically said “I’ll do whatever the fuck I want because I deserve it”. And what the hell is Moyes doing agreeing to it? Have some fucking pride man. He’s a joke, he went into the press conference afterwards and the first thing he said was Chelsea’s fifth shouldn’t have counted. Jesus.
By the next day he was gone, falling on his own sword and nobly declining a pay off. I suspect there’s more to it than meets the eye, as people in football generally don’t leave money on the table. I really hope United are still paying him.
Anyway, good fucking riddance to Mongo and his planet sized fod. Hope you have a shitty retirement, you absolute cunt.
Speaking of absolute cunts, the most absolute cunt of all sadly ended the season on a high as his United team beat Palace on the last day and then bored everyone to tears in the Europa Final by slowing choking the life out of an inexperienced Ajax side. Soft shite included a load of jabroni kids in his team against Palace, partly to rest his senior players and partly so he can add them to his infamous list of "kids I've brought through". Like most of the others on that list, we won't see these fuckers again.
After an entire season of avoiding their games, I couldn’t help myself and tuned in for the final. More fool me. A wildly deflected goal from the once again otherwise invisible Pogba gave them the lead, and that was all she wrote for Ajax as it meant they could just strangle the game and turn it into a typical Mourinho borefest. They added a second from a set-piece and although I stuck with it a while longer in the forlorn hope Ajax might actually do something, the final straw came for me with a pitiful free kick put straight into the wall.
Ajax are fucking crap, just like every other fucking bum team United beat along the way. It bothers me immensely that they could be as shite as they have been, scoring even less goals than Bournemouth, and still spawn their way into the Champions League anyway. Has there ever been any team in history as fucking jammy as these cunts? Watch them spend a trillion pounds this summer and still bore the shit out of everyone next season.
They’re the football equivalent of that priest in Father Ted who no-one can have a conversation with because his voice is so fucking boring they switch off after a few words.
Spurs followed up their six goals at Leicester by hitting seven at Hull. Kane ran riot again to comfortably finish ahead of Lukaku in the race for the Golden Boot. I can’t see Silva staying at Hull, not just because they will be in the Championship, but because their owners are bad cranks and he doesn’t need the hassle. Maybe he’ll end up at Watford or Palace. Hopefully he stays in England just to keep some deadbeat British manager like Pardew out of a job.
Pardew's successor at Palace is out of a job too now, after quitting Palace following a disagreement over transfers. Funny that, Pulis quit them for the same reason. Could it be that Palace don't want to play ball with certain agents? Anyway, Fat Sam says he's retired. Yeah, I don't think anyone is buying that. He'll just have a few months off and wait until some desperate, underachieving club panics in January, sacks their manager and calls up Fireman Sam to get him to save the day. My money is on Leicester, but I really, really hope it's West Brom.
So there you have it, that’s it for another year, other than to announce some end of season awards.
Player of the Season:
Hazard and Kante are the two that most people have gone for, and I won’t argue too much with that but nevertheless, I’ll go with Harry Kane. Spurs may well have won the title if he hadn’t missed eight games through injury. 29 goals in 30 games is incredible, but he’s also a team player too. Everyone knows he’s a great player yet it still feels like he’s under rated to me. He’s a bona fide superstar but because he looks like a young Bruce Forsyth and plays for Spurs, he isn’t seen that way.
Young Player of the Season:
He might be a bellend, but Deli Alli is brilliant, and it will forever grate that he’s not our bellend.
Save of the Season:
The Mig at Stoke or maybe Courtois at Sunderland. I’ll go with the Mig because he’s my boy and because he doesn’t look like Postman Pat. And he’d never steal Kevin De Bruyne’s bird, unlike that lanky string of piss from Chelsea.
Goal of the Season:
I’d love to say Emre Can but I think that would be me showing my bias, as I can’t honestly say that goal was better than Big Andy’s overhead thunderbolt or Giroud’s incredible scorpion kick. I can’t really separate them but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose I’d probably go with Giroud, not least because it was just a few days after Mkhitaryan’s similar effort, which should never have counted anyway as it was offside. Giroud’s was better and coming so soon after the manc’s effort, it completely stole their thunder.
Biggest 'Wow' moment of the season:
Mané scoring that amazing goal at the Emirates on opening weekend.
Cunt of the Season:
Mourinho, of course.
Cunt of the Season not named Mourinho:
Ander Herrera, snide little fucking rat.
Biggest Overachievers:
Bournemouth.
Biggest Underachievers:
Leicester, with an honourable mention to Stoke.
Twats of the Season XI:
Frazer Forster: Big Herman Munster looking cunt who would have been in here anyway because he kept four clean sheets against us while shipping them in against everyone else, but sealed his place after his shenanigans with Milner prior to the penalty.
Danny Simpson: Beat up his bird, moaned about Ranieri taking his spicy wedges away and tried to bantz Carra on twitter.
John Terry: Wasn't even in contention until the last week of the season, but how could I ignore him after that?
Mamadou Sakho: Let me say this. I love Sakho, I wish he was my mate. But he was a twat this season. Turning up late repeatedly in pre-season when he should have been doing everything he could to win Klopp back around after the dope test fiasco, and then the stupid handshake thing with Benteke at Anfield. You’re a twat Mama, but can we still be mates?
George Friend: A little unfortunate to be in here but whenever I hear his name I think of Kevin Friend, who is one of the biggest twats in football. So, I’m sorry George, you’re in here for having a shit name.
Cesc Fabregas: As long as he’s playing in England he’ll always command a place in this team. Snide twat.
Ander Herrera (captain): He’s everything bad about Fabregas x 100. No bigger twat in the Premier League. Dirty, diving, playacting, unsporting, time wasting little twat. If I could punch any footballer in the face, he wins by a landslide.
Ross Barkley: He makes the team solely on the basis of the two derby games. I don’t mind him normally, but his head goes completely in derby games and he becomes a fucking dangerous, out of control dirty bastard.
Tom Cleverley: Look at his face! Just LOOK AT HIS FACE!!!
Harry Kane: That handshake. Enough said.
Deli Alli: See above. Also throw in the fact he has “Deli” on the back of his shirt.
Subs:
Marouane Fellaini: Elbowing alehouse twat.
Paul Pogba: Dabbing twat.
Jesse Lingaard: Dabbing twat.
Andre Gray: Homophobic twat.
Phil Jones: Warrington faced twat
So that’s it for another season, hope you’ve enjoyed these round ups and they’ve made some of the bad weeks throughout the season a little less miserable.
Until August then….
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