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Premier League Round Up (Mar 19-20 2016)

That was a shitty weekend and a half that. I should be sat here writing about how bad Man City have become and that we’re breathing down their necks for that fourth spot, but instead it’s United and West Ham who are putting the most heat on their neighbours and who are in pole position to take advantage of it.
 
West Ham dropped two points on Saturday when they conceded a late, late equaliser at Chelsea. Disappointing as that must have been for them, as it turns out that point they earned doesn’t look too bad now and they’ve got as good a chance as anyone of getting fourth now.
 
That’s the last thing we need though. We don’t need them becoming the new Chelsea or City, but that could easily happen seeing as how they’re being gift wrapped a spanking brand new state of the art stadium free of charge and will suddenly be an attractive purchase for some rich dickhead. Them having Champions League football would make it ten times worse as they'll be able to attract players who aren't just in it for the money.
 
It’s not just us that needs to worry about that though, it effects all the big hitters, including Chelsea. They can’t just dismiss this as a freak bad season and assume they’ll be back in the top four next season, but I’ve seen loads of pundits just taking it for granted that “normal service” will be resumed for them. On what basis? The thing is, it’s not like they’ve had a severe injury crisis or something that caused them to struggle, there’s no obvious reason for how shit they’ve been so why should that change next year? 
 
West Ham outplayed them, and if they had held on for the win it wouldn’t have even been much of an upset as the Hammers are better than Chelsea at the moment. It’s not even close, the league table isn't lying.
 
Lanzini had put them ahead with a lovely strike but Fabregas equalised with a free-kick on the stroke of half time. Big Andy came on as a sub and scored with his first touch, although it was a terrible finish, scuffed and right at the keeper who should have done better. The kind of crap finish Darren Bent made an entire career out of.
 
Fabregas levelled with a controversial last minute penalty after a foul that was clearly outside the box. Better Call Slav wasn’t happy in his post match interview. He had the look of a man who’d slept at his desk all night and had to skip “breakfast” because he’d polished off what was left of his scotch the night before, and now he’s got to go and defend some scumbag loser who he knows is guilty as shit, but he’s got no chance of winning anyway because the judge in charge of the case hates him because he once ran over his cat. 
 
But I digress. You know who’s shit? Oscar, that’s who. I’ve been saying it for years but now I don’t think there’s even any debate. Is there anyone out there who still thinks this chinless dweeb is any good? Being picked for Brazil doesn't make you a top player, I actually have no idea anymore what their criteria is for selecting their team. Not since Fred and Jo were getting regular games anyway. If I were a Brazilian footy player I'd probably go by an old school name like Stan or Alf, as that seems to be the best route into the squad.
 
I’ll hold my hands up on Willian though, I used to think he was badly over rated too but he’s shown this season he’s way better than I ever gave him credit for. Good player him. Oscar though = shite.
 
Leicester keep grinding out wins in these games that look like potential banana skins for them. Palace away is never easy, no matter how bad their record has been in 2016. A lot of people saw Leicester coming unstuck there but they’ve come away with another 1-0 win thanks to the Vardy / Mahrez combo. 
 
They could have had a pen too when Scott Dann literally dragged the shirt off Huth’s back. He actually ended up with Huth’s shirt in his hands and couldn’t drop it quickly enough. Like being caught with a smoking gun at a crime scene. You could see him thinking "shit, what the hell is this?" Luckily for him the ref wasn’t interested. Huth joked about it on twitter (he’s actually quite a funny guy, surprisingly) but he’s not really in a position to complain given the shit him and Shawcross used to get away with at Stoke.
 
I’m sounding like a broken record, but it’s just absolutely mad what’s happening here. Wes Morgan might be lifting the Premier League trophy in a few weeks. Wes Morgan!!! Remember how out of his depth he looked last season? This time last year they were bottom, and now look? It’s not even like they’ve done it by rebuilding the team, almost all of these lads were playing last year when they were bottom of the table.
 
For me it would be the greatest achievement in the history of English football if they hold on and win it. Forest in the late 70s is the only thing that even compares, but it was a lot easier for teams to come from nowhere back then because money wasn’t such a big factor. For a team like Leicester to be doing this against the spending power of the bigger clubs is almost incomprehensible.
 
Marc Albrighton must be the smuggest man in the Midlands right now. Villa fucked him off a couple of years ago and he had to drop into the Championship with Leicester. Now he’s looking like he’s going to win the title and Villa are headed into oblivion. He must be like a dog with two dicks. If I was him I’d be strutting around the Midlands like Ric Flair, stylin’ and profilin’. 
 
Palace couldn’t get the Leicester fans out of the stadium afterwards. The announcer told them “thanks for coming, now can you please go home” and they responded by chanting “we shall not be moved”. Good luck to them.
 
As for Palace, this is just the Pardew effect really. He does this shit all the time, he’s the streakiest manager around. Remember when he had Newcastle int he top four and Christmas and then they nearly got relegated? I think he’s a good manager, just not as good as he thinks he is. He defo believes he’s as talented as he is handsome.
 
Moving on, and Everton were well beaten at home by Arsenal and their fans weren’t happy at all. The cup run is just about the only thing stopping them from grabbing Martinez and hanging him from the Park End roof at the moment. Just have a search of his name on twitter and look at the absolute vitriol towards him, it’s hilarious.
 
They were proper shite and it looked like they weren’t even trying. No surprise that Arsenal turned it on and put in a performance though. They’re great when the pressure is off and Wenger always gets a win when he needs it most. You can set your watch by it, whenever they’ve had a bad run and Wenger is on the hot seat, he always gets a win.
 
Martinez described it as “a one off”, which caused a shitstorm in Blue circles. In fairness, you can’t blame them for being pissed at him, they’ve lost six of their last eight at home, and have eight losses at home this season, and he’s calling it a one off? It just adds more fuel to my theory that he’s deliberately taking the piss and seeing just how far he can go with the outrageous, trolling comments. I get the feeling he's just warming up too. The next few weeks could be interesting.
 
Things got a little more interesting at the bottom this weekend as Norwich picked up a surprise win at West Brom. I’ve all but written Norwich off and saw it as a straight fight between Rafa and Fat Sam to see who survived, but maybe it’ll be Norwich that escapes? They’re much more of a team than the other two even if they don’t have as much quality.
 
Matt Jarvis created the only goal of the game for Robbie Brady with a comical piece of miscontrol that teed up the Irishman perfectly. It was the first assist from Jarvis since 2014, and it was a complete fluke. Not good when his job is to create goals. He was decent a few years ago too.
 
Stoke won at Watford and I saw that one coming a mile off as there was always going to be a let down for Watford after they beat Arsenal in the cup. Walters scored the first and then made the second for Joselu with a glorious first time cushioned pass. Not that Danny murphy was having it on MOTD, he refused to accept that Walters "has it in him" to do that. Finally, someone with an even lower opinion of Walters than me. Good ol' SuperDan.
 
Deeney pulled one back late on with a header that Butland should have saved, but Stoke were worthy winners and look set for another top half finish.
 
Swansea were absolutely wretched on Saturday but fortunately for them they were playing Villa so it didn’t matter. Watching the highlights of this one it was weird, as it felt like it was a behind closed doors game as the crowd were completely silent. Must be the Villa effect. Fernandez got the only goal of the game and it was a strike worthy of settling a game such as this. In other words it was scruffy as fuck.
 
Cissokho was lucky not to be sent off as “one foot Mo” gave him the complete runaround. Mike Dean took pity on him I think, which is understandable as he’s got such a sad little face. My mum loved him when he played for us, she’d always say “aaaaahh look at his little face, he looks like he’s a really lovely man”. He does have sad puppy dog eyes like, there's no denying it. Mad that we nearly won the title with him playing left back for a half a season. Mind you, we could have had Konchesky back there that year and still been ace because we had…. yeah I won’t finish that sentence as it's still too upsetting.
 
Spurs had a comfortable win at home to Bournemouth to keep the pressure on Leicester.  Kane scored in the first minute and quickly added another. Eriksen made it 3-0 after the keeper could only parry Kane’s shot. He might speak like he’s just come out of the dentists after having a couple of teeth removed, but Harry Kane is a fucking brilliant footballer.
 
We’ve got Spurs next, if we beat them then I think Leicester will hold them off, but if they win at Anfield then they’ll really take some stopping I reckon.
 
Onto the North East derby and Rafa and Fat Sam shared a hand shake and what looked like a civil word or two before and after the game. They probably hate eachother as much as Wenger and Mourinho, but at least they don't act like a pair of six year olds in a playground.
 
Defoe gave Sunderland the lead after Newcastle didn’t clear a thunderous shot by Borini, but Mitrovic cancelled it out with seven minutes left.
 
Newcastle fans were all full of themselves over a song they have for Mitrovic to the tune of “free from desire”. It goes “Mitro’s on fire, you’re defence is terrified”. Sunderland have been singing the exact thing about Watmore. They don’t call them Magpies for nothing I suppose. Song thieving dickheads.
 
We were singing something to that tune two years ago about Kolo, although sadly it never caught on in the ground and it was just lads on coaches. “They’re diet pills, they were only diet pills, they’re diet pills, they were only diet pills….he’s Kolo Toure, they were only diet pills, he’s Kolo Toure, they were only diet pills”.
 
It’s brilliant, one of the best player songs we’ve had in years but it’s hardly surprising that it didn’t catch on at Anfield as we’re fucking shite these days. The fans I mean, it’s become embarrassing really. There’s a video of it somewhere but I can’t find the fucker, and if you google Kolo Toure song you get thousands of videos of student wankers or darts fans, or Steven Gerrard singing that Kolo / Yaya monstrosity, and no-one wants to have to sift through all that. 
 
That manc derby though. Fucking hell. It’s like no matter how bad you think United are, the bastards just won’t die. They’re like fucking cockroaches aren't they? The positive aspect of it is that as much as they want Van Gaal gone, the canny fecker keeps doing just about enough to keep hanging on in there. Mourinho must be doing his nut.
 
City are a fucking joke though, I’m really starting to hate the bastards now. The problem I’ve got with them is for most of the last three years they’ve played like a team that doesn’t give a shit. The only time they’ve actually been arsed is when they were up against us. They remembered how to play when they went on that run to stop us winning the league and they suddenly developed a bit of a defensive spine when we played them at Wembley the other week. Apart from that they’ve been a massive underachieving fucking joke, and they might even allow United to sneak fourth.
 
Only for the fact that I don’t want United or those freeloading twats West Ham getting in the Champions League I’d be more than delighted to see City miss out. The thing is, it’s not even worth getting worked up about what these other teams are doing when our own bunch of knobheads are just so damned unreliable and have completely choked away any chance they had of the top four.
 
Sunday should have been a great day for me, a day of double celebration with my daughter’s team getting their first win in months and the Redmen beating Southampton. I didn’t get to enjoy either, albeit for vastly differing reasons. 
 
Unlike the Reds, my daughter’s team didn’t somehow snatch defeat from the jaws of victory (they did concede twice in the last couple of minutes but held out for a 5-4 win). They’ve mostly been getting battered all season but they’ve been improving recently and finally got themselves a win, but they didn't get to properly savour it. 
 
The girls were made up, bless them, but then out of nowhere the coach of the opposition team walks past shouting her mouth off and calling one of our girls a “fucking disgrace” because one of their girls was injured in a tackle (a perfectly fair one I hasten to add). She was also bitching “she’s going to break someone’s leg tackling like that” and “your whole team is a disgrace”. To top it off she threatened to report the poor girl to the league and get her suspended, the absolute rat. It killed the mood of celebration as our girls were just kind of stood there wondering what was going on, especially when I inevitably got involved. 
 
Their coaches had been whining from the start of the game when they realised they wouldn’t be having it their own way this time. What happened at full time though crossed the line. Maybe I should have left it to our coach to deal with, but before I knew what was even happening I’d gone the full John Carver and found myself arguing with the silly cow in front of all the kids.
 
In my defence I didn’t swear or get abusive or personal with her, hell I even ignored the lowest of low hanging fruit and didn’t even take the piss out of her stupid bright blue hair. All I did was tell her to behave herself and taunted her a bit with “lost a game did yer?”. Compared to what she did - swearing at a nine year old girl and calling her a disgrace - what I did was nothing, but I wish it hadn’t happened as the whole thing was pretty unsavoury.
 
I don’t think I overstepped the mark and in the same situation I’d probably react the same way as I couldn’t just stand by and say nothing, but I don’t feel good about it at all and it really took the shine of their win. It also make me think about just how difficult it must be for managers and coaches to control themselves in professional games with thousands watching though. I couldn’t do it, I know that now after what happened here. If I was on a touchline with Allardyce, Pardew, Hughes etc I’d be an absolute fucking embarrassment. 
 
So next time I see Carver or Mourinho’s hothead assistant Rui Faria making a tit of himself on the touchline, I’m going to hold back on the piss taking and not rush to judgement because there but for the grace of God and all that. Next Sunday I’m thinking of banning myself from the touchline like my man Pards did after he head butted that Hull jabroni.


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The last person to strut around the Midlands stylin' and profilin' was Mark 'The Mack' Morrison. That was 20 years ago after his return, although hardly anybody had realised he'd even gone away.

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The last person to strut around the Midlands stylin' and profilin' was Mark 'The Mack' Morrison. That was 20 years ago after his return, although hardly anybody had realised he'd even gone away.

 

"Return of the Mack" sits alongside "She drives me crazy" as one of those songs it's impossible to sing along to in a normal voice. You have to sing it in a stupid voice, it's unavoidable.

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"Return of the Mack" sits alongside "She drives me crazy" as one of those songs it's impossible to sing along to in a normal voice. You have to sing it in a stupid voice, it's unavoidable.

 

Or 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm', which you have to do as though you're Tourettes-afflicted like that guy on Youtube. I'm laughing just thinking about it. "Once, there was this FUCKING! kid who..."

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"Return of the Mack" sits alongside "She drives me crazy" as one of those songs it's impossible to sing along to in a normal voice. You have to sing it in a stupid voice, it's unavoidable.

In the Ghetto, Don't leave me this way (Communards), Stayin' Alive...

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I totally angree on Oscar, I've never fancied him. Chelsea reportedly rejected a £57,5 million bid for him from China this january. If that's true then that might be a bigger transfer mistake than anyone we've ever made. I would even have accepted £20 million if I'd been Chelsea.

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I coach a football team.  Last season one of the opposition parents went into a big rant after the game, and I intervened by asking him to leave the field of play.  He went mad, so I calmly told him he was embarrassing himself.  He's a television personality so he thinks everyone knows him and he's great and knows everything about football.  He doesn't.

 

He also hosts a radio talk show, and apparently on the Monday he went on a rant about me and my club.  All lies.

 

When he got his mobile phone out and started trying to provoke a reaction out of my team saying, "Go on, boys, you'll be on Youtube tomorrow" they just started laughing to themselves.

 

I said, "Mate, you're a grown man.  Look at yourself."  Funnily, the video, which would have featured boys shaking hands and looking bewildered, then a pan to me shaking my head, didn't make it onto the Internet.

 

The secret of success in these situations is calmness.

 

Two days later he's ranting on live radio.

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