On a list of things I’d least like to be doing right now, writing about last weekend’s games ranks immediately between hand washing Neville Southall’s dirty undies and being Alan Pardew’s wingman on a night out.
It was a nightmare wasn’t it? It couldn’t have gone any worse. We lost at home to the bottom club, Everton scored a stoppage time winner, the Mancs scored a stoppage time equaliser, Arsenal conceded a stoppage time equaliser only to then win it in the eighth minute of added time and Chelsea had a referee assisted home win over shite to show us exactly why they’re serious title contenders and we’re not.
Neither Spurs or City won as they were playing each other so that was impossible, meaning we dropped a point to both of them. We’re only two points ahead of City now, even though it’s widely accepted that they’re having a terrible season and it feels like they get beat heavily every few weeks. It’s utterly demoralising.
So you’ll forgive me if there’s not much in the way of the usual light heartedness in this week’s round up. I’m not in a joking mood and I doubt you feel like laughing anyway. I’m mostly just going to be lashing out in all directions, being a narky bastard and calling people cunts. So in other words... this week, Matthew, I’m going to be Craig Bellamy.
Actually speaking of Bellamy, I’ll share this with you as you might not have seen it and it’s just about the only thing that’s brought a smile to my face all week. It’s from Breda Hangeland, who I’m sure you recall used to play for Fulham. He did an interview on Norwegian radio this week and spoke about a number of things from his time in the Premier League. This is what he said about Bellamy….
“During the handshakes before the game Bellamy took my hand, he was a head lower than me and he looked me straight in the eye and said “You fucking wanker”. I was thinking what the hell, I’ve never even met you”
The most Craig Bellamy thing ever that. I love Bellamy almost as much as I love Peter Crouch, and I love Peter Crouch A LOT.
Ok, let's get this shit over with then. *Deep breath* I’ll start on Saturday with the mancs. They went a goal down at Stoke to an unfortunate oggy by Mata, but Rooney’s brilliant last gasp free-kick kept their unbeaten run going and saw him finally beat Bobby Charlton’s record. At least we don’t need to hear about that shit anymore, and at least he didn’t do it against us. Bet there were loads of mancs not wanting him to do it now that he’s basically finished there. Well tough shit boys, your all time leading scorer is scouse. Now build him a fucking statue, he deserves it.
Of course he won't get it, because he's scouse. He won't even be remembered fondly by most of them because he's been shite in the last couple of years. Not really his fault like, he's just burnt out because of how much he was played when he was a kid. Mourinho is desperate to send him to China to get his off the payroll. I hope Rooney tells him to fuck off and bleeds them out of every penny on that ridiculous contract they gave him.
The other Mancs drew as well, but they absolutely battered Spurs and should have won easily. Two howlers from Lloris had gifted them a 2-0 lead before Alli headed Spurs back into it. Sterling was then denied a clear penalty when Walker blatantly shoved him in the back as he ran through. Sterling stayed on his feet and got his shot away but he’d been knocked out of his stride and fluffed his effort. In fairness to the ref, how can you tell the difference as that’s basically how he shoots even when unimpeded. Should have been a pen though, no doubt.
Son then equalised to give Spurs a point they didn’t deserve, but when you look at City’s midfield it’s hardly surprising. Toure as the holding player and then more number tens than you can shake a stick at. He's a tactical genius Pep, y’know.
His post match interview was really uncomfortable viewing again. He’s little more than a suave Nigel Pearson, trying to intimidate the interviewer by being an awkward bastard and staring them down during awkward silences. He’s actually a bit of an arsehole isn't he?
Speaking of arseholes, Big Sam is still winless, which is actually some consolation even though it meant a win for Everton. The manner of the goal also makes it easier to take, as Palace got completely shafted. Everton carried on playing when a Palace player was down injured, and Coleman was offside when he scored. Allardyce was fuming, which is always enjoyable.
As of course is the continuing struggle of Fat Sam’s successor at Sunderland, the con artist formerly known as the Chosen One. The Mackems lost 2-0 at West Brom in a pitiful performance, and just when Sunderland fans thought things couldn’t get any worse, Moyes only goes and signs fucking Joleon Lescott. Presumably there’s a “no twitter” clause in his contract, otherwise this is going to end pictures of Bentleys and ridiculous excuses again.
So that’s Lescott, Alehouse Vic, Rodwell and Pienaar there now. He’s also after Darron Gibson and Brian Oviedo apparently. Who’s next I wonder? My money is on the Yak or Tim Cahill. Maybe he’ll talk Leon Osman out of retirement? Honestly, they’d be better off giving a contract to that beach ball.
Elsewhere, Watford took the lead at Bournemouth through Kabasele, but the home side equalised through Josh King after a brilliant run and cross by Adam Smith. I’ve probably said this before, but like him, he’s a tidy little full back. Deeney restored Watford’s lead only for Afobe to pounce late on to ensure it ended honours even.
Big Andy’s terrific form continued with two more goals as West Ham won 3-1 at Boro. I’ve always maintained that he’s a fucking top player when he’s fit and the team are playing to his strengths, but the flip side is that he’s injured and/or bevvied so often that he’s as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike for most of the season.
So yeah, if Saturday was like being hit by a bus, Sunday was the bus reversing just to make sure the job was done properly.
Chelsea increased their lead at the top points with another win and another clean sheet. Granted, they were only playing Hull, but we were only playing Swansea - who are worse - and we all know how that turned out. Hull actually did alright, they had a go and they’ve got a lot of spirit about them, but eventually they just got worn down by the extra quality Chelsea have, especially in the officiating department.
Inevitably it was Costa who broke the deadlock seconds before half time, but Hull should have had a free-kick in the build up to it. They were then denied the most obvious penalty you’ll ever see early in the second half. I’m not sure how it’s possible for ref and linesman to just turn a blind eye to that, it was fucking outrageous. I’d get worked up about it if I still believed it was relevant to us, but it’s not so… *shrugs*
Cahill made it 2-0 with a header from a free-kick that was awarded after a blatant dive by Willian, who went down like he’d stood on a fucking landmine and had his legs blown off at the knees. David Meyler was furious because he didn’t touch him, and Hull have every right to feel hard done by.
It was a bad day for them all round as poor Ryan Mason ended up in the hospital with a serious head injury that will keep him out for a while. Still, I’m sure Spurs have another jabroni midfielder on their production line ready to send Hull’s way for a few million quid. It would have been nailed on for them to sign Tom Carroll had he not gone to Swansea last week. Can’t believe Hull didn’t get in there first to team him up with Mason, Livermore and big Tom Hundredstone. Maybe they’ve got Harry Winks lined up for the summer?
That Harry Maguire lad is getting all kinds of rave reviews of late. I've seen Carra buzzing off him and Keown was talking like he wants to marry him. Presumably he'll have some bigger clubs sniffing around him in the summer. Who's gonna be the first to make a "show me the money" gag? Is it me? Yerrrssss.
Southampton warmed up for their trip to Anfield by comfortably seeing off struggling Leicester. Ward-Prowse got the first, Rodriguez made it 2-0 and then Shane Long did what he does better than anyone else and blagged himself a pen by cutting across his marker and then just falling down to win a pen. Tadic converted and the scoreline didn’t flatter Southampton.
Hopefully they'll win the league cup now, not just because they're playing United but because what's not to like about Southampton? Ok, that Dusan Tadic song is ear aids, but aside from that I've got a lot of respect for what they've been able to do. Yeah, who am I kidding, it's mostly because they're playing United.
Leicester are in all sorts of trouble though. They won’t go down because there’ll be at least three teams worse than them, but they now look as though they’ll be in the conversation for a couple more months at least. This isn't the shocking thing though, the shock is what they did last year, which looks even more incredible now.
Finally, Arsenal are really starting to take the piss with these late goals now. The only surprise this time was it wasn’t “straight from the salon” Giroud who scored.
They had looked be on their way to a routine home win over Burnley when Mustafi headed them in front in a game they were completely dominating, but then Xhaka got himself sent off again and gave Burnley a lifeline. How many times is that now? Feels like five or six. He’s a dog him isn’t he? It wasn’t the worst tackle in the world but it could have been if he’d connected properly, and it was the right decision to give him his walking papers. Not that Wenger thought so, but then he wouldn’t, would he?
He wasn’t happy with that, and his irritation boiled over when his side conceded a penalty in stoppage time. Has he ever agreed with any decision that’s ever gone against his team? Whatever he said, it was enough to get him sent off too, but he decided he would watch the rest of the game from the tunnel and wasn’t for moving! Fourth official Anthony Taylor tried to get him to move and Wenger just shoved him and stayed put.
That ought to land him in the shit with the authorities but I dunno, there’s just something about him that stops me from getting mad at him, and I suspect the FA will feel the same and show clemency.
Seeing him go mental just makes me laugh and say “go ed there old timer, let em have it!” So I’ll issue this plea to the FA; don’t charge Wenger for what he did. Apart from anything else, by letting it slide just think how much you’ll be getting under Mourinho’s skin. Showing favouritism to Wenger will hit that twat harder than any fine or touchline ban you’d given him.
The drama was only just starting though. Gray converted the pen and it looked like Arsenal Fan TV would be must see again, but eight minutes into stoppage time Mee booted an offside Koscielny in the head and the linesman - having not spotted the offside - alerted the ref to the foul and Sanchez won it from the spot.
Wenger was so classy and dignified afterwards, apologising for his behaviour and saying he should have just “shut up”. When asked about the red card he said he didn’t see but it if was a bad tackle then the ref was right to send him off and his players need to tackle better. As I said, so classy, so honest, so dignified, so fucking false it’s untrue! There is not a chance in hell he gives an interview like that if they hadn’t won the game!!
Normally I’d be mad at Burnley for getting my hopes up like that only to shit themselves and blow it, but how can I justify getting angry at the likes of Burnley when our own team let us down so badly? It’s unfair to expect to be helped out by Burnley when we can’t even help ourselves.
Recommended Comments