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Premier League Round Up (Jan 10-11 2015)

This was the Hannibal Smith of weekends. The kind of weekend where you sit back with a big cigar afterwards and celebrate how all the pieces came together nicely. The kind of weekend that came regularly for us last season, but this year have been rarer than a full house at Goodison.

 

Usually when we play in the early game we completely ruin the weekend for ourselves. This time we won though, meaning we could sit back and watch as three of the five teams we are looking to overhaul dropped points. Four of six if you think there’s any hope that City might come falling back into the pack. Fat Frank chance of that happening I’d say, especially now they’ve gone out and paid £30m for Bony.

 

Speaking of which, I have a question. How can City pay that kind of money for a player when they’ve had FFP sanctions? Seriously, I don’t understand how all this stuff works as I’m no accountant, but it seems to me that most teams seem to still be able to keep shelling out big money for players while our own club counts pennies, boasts of record breaking sponsorship deals whilst cutting the wage bill and speaking of operating within FFP. Either our owners are full of shit or everyone else are finding ways to circumvent the rules. Probably both actually.

 

Back to the football though, and I’ll kick things off this week with City’s trip to the Pit to face the free falling Blueshite. The Citizens (worst nickname ever by the way) dominated the first half but it was the Toffees (second worst) who went closest to a goal when Coleman hit the bar. City eventually went in front through Fernandinho but unlike last season Everton refused to give up this time. Naismith headed an equaliser almost immediately and that’s how it finished.

 

Poor Everton though. Having scored a last gasp equaliser to force a replay against West Ham in the cup, they then turned in a heroic display at Upton Park despite being reduced to ten men and forced extra time and penalties. The shoot out went on and on until eventually their keeper missed and West Ham’s scored to send them out. Another trophy-less year for the Blues but at least they’ve got a relegation battle to keep them interested.

 

I didn’t actually follow the Saturday 3pm games live and hadn’t seen the scores. So when I heard John Carver on the car radio gushing about what Newcastle had done I went and got my hopes up that they’d beaten Chelsea. Well what else was I supposed to think, he comes on saying how much he thinks he deserves the job full time and that “this shows what I can do when I’ve got a full week to prepare the team”.

 

“Fucking hell, they must have won!” I said to myself. No, they lost 2-0. Might want to work on your sales pitch a little there, John. Although given that it’s Mike Ashley who’ll be doing the hiring it probably doesn’t matter anyway. Just take him in a crate of Stella and put on a cockney accent, that’ll do it.

 

In fairness to Carver, Newcastle did trouble Chelsea at times but Mourinho’s men still ended up winning comfortable enough. The Geordies dominated the first half with Cabella and the outstanding Sissoko running through Chelsea’s defence at will. They didn’t score though and were eventually undone with a quickly taken corner just before half time. Chelsea’s second was brilliant, finished by Costa but superbly worked by Hazard and Oscar.

 

We play these twats next week in the League Cup semis, and it’s fair to say my expectation levels are somewhere between low and Roy Hodgson.

 

Mourinho has stopped doing interviews and press conferences now apparently. He’s sulking after being charged by the FA over his comments about Phil Dowd last week. I’m glad to see him charged, but I’ll be even more glad if they throw the fucking book at him. Who the hell does he think he is acting like he’s the one being victimised here?

 

He basically said Phil Dowd is too fat to do his job. This from a man who selected Lampard in his midfield around 400 times. Seriously though, if Dowd makes a mistake it’s because he’s not a great referee, not because he’s a bit of a porker. He’s passed all the fitness tests he needed to so this is simply not an issue. If this was America Dowd could probably sue him for that shit.

 

This whole tiresome ‘fat’ narrative was started by Ferguson a few years back and it’s an easy stick to beat Dowd with any time he gets something wrong. The thing is though, he didn’t even get those decisions wrong last week, it’s just Mourinho acting the cunt again. Some sort of ban is definitely in order. Possibly a touchline ban, but preferably a stadium one, or better yet, a country one. Just stick the twat on the first plane out, regardless of where it’s going. Fucking scumbag.

 

Moving on, and I was saying to a mate the other day that I think Spurs are a bit of a fraud team. They’ve been getting good results of late and they were brilliant against Chelsea last week, but all these 2-1 wins they’ve been getting, usually through late goals, throw up some doubts for me. I remember one year when Everton under Moyes kept winning games by the odd goal and had a really good season. The year after those narrow wins turned to draws and narrow defeats and they struggled badly. Fine margins you see. Same with United under Moyes last year, remember that six game winning streak they had? Didn’t mean anything in the end.

 

What I’m saying is I’m not buying what Spurs are selling and the Palace game shows why. They could actually have won, it’s not like they were awful or anything. But you live by the narrow 2-1 you die by the narrow 2-1, especially when you’re up against a star like my boy Jason Puncheon.

 

Harry Kane (who else) gave Spurs the lead after the break with his 18th of the season. “He’s one of our own” sing the Spurs fans, and they were mocked for that this week when a picture emerged of Kane as an eight year old wearing an Arsenal shirt. So fucking what though? Carra used to come to training as a kid wearing an Everton kit, but he’s defo “one of our own”, likewise Fowler.

 

I’m pleased for Spurs that they’ve got someone like that who they can identify with, I just hope we don’t have to wait too long until another one comes along for us.

 

Palace equalised from the penalty spot when some jabroni I’d never heard of fouled Joe Ledley. Stambouli his name is. Where the hell did he come from and where have they been hiding him until now? Wherever it was, maybe they should put him back. Have you noticed that Spurs seem to have a dozen central midfielders but the only one who’s actually any good (Dembele) never seems to get a game?

 

Anyway, Dwight Gayle buried the pen (nice to see him score against someone other than us) and then J-Punch did his thing to give Pards a win on his first game back. Now that the big bad wolf Warnock has gone, watch my boy start to fly now, just like he did last year after Pulis went in there.

 

My other two boys both got on the scoresheet this weekend too as Danny Ings and Charlie Austin went head to head at Turf Moor. Did you know that for a brief period Burnley had both Austin and Ings on their books at the same time? Kinell, talk about a potential dream team. Imagine if they’d kept hold of Austin? Suarez and Sturridge may have had some serious competition last year if that had been the case.

 

Arfield’s solo effort broke the deadlock early on but QPR responded well and Austin hit the post with a superb improvised effort. He wouldn’t be denied for long though as he won and converted a penalty before shushing the Burnley fans. None of your too cool for school “I’m not celebrating against my old team” routine from Charlie, he was almost giving it the full “Adebayor”.

 

Ings won it with a really well taken goal four minutes later. It was a good finish but I tell you what, that Steven Caulker is shit. Remember how strongly we were linked with him last year because Brendan knew him from his Swansea days? We bought Lovren instead, which is out of the frying pan into the fires or Mordor. Brendan’s eye for a central defender is made of glass.

 

Aston Nilla lost again and drew a blank again. They’re playing us this weekend though so they can take heart from that. Leicester dominated but kept missing chances as Nugent reverted back to his usual “Stuart Barlow mode” in front of goal, missing two sitters. He did later hit the bar with a spectacular effort, which kind of sums him up really. That goal he scored against us at Anfield will probably be the last one he scores all season, the bluenose turd.

 

Konchesky’s first goal in over five years settled this one. Good strike too. Guzman kept Villa in the game with some great saves while at the other end they only had one decent chance, which Aly Cisssokho sliced horribly wide. We’ve seen that before.

 

Matty James was sent off for a nasty challenge on Okore (who also could have gone for his part in it) and Ciaran Clark saw red too for taking exception to it and picking up a second booking. Clark didn’t seem to do anything wrong really, but James lost the plot completely as he left the field and appeared to be trying to fight the entire Villa subs bench.

 

Pulis got West Brom off to a winning start as Berahino got the only goal of the game against Hull from an indirect free-kick inside the box. He played well and looked very lively, but the goal owed everything to the stupidity of Elmahamody who instead of allowing the ball to roll through to a keeper who had already gone to ground in order to collect it, decided he’d give it a little toe poke to help it on it’s way.

 

Berahino’s interview afterwards screamed of someone wanting to leave. If he’s got his heart set on Anfield he’ll have to wait a while as I keep saying it, but there’s no fucking way we’re spending any money this month.

 

Andy Carroll scored one of the goals of the season as West Ham drew at Swansea. The Swans are really going to struggle without Bony so this was a good result for them I’d say. Gomis had a great chance to level things but put it into the top tier of the stand. He was involved in the equaliser though when his header hit the post and rebounded in off Noble.

 

Swansea have said they’ll resist any interest in Gomis in this window. Wait, what? Who the hell would be interested in him? What am I missing here, he’s looked shite every time I’ve watched him, he’s like a poor man’s Kenwynne Jones.

 

It was hilarious seeing Danny Murphy trying to be kind about him though. I have every sympathy with Danny there, I wrote last year about once having to do that same thing and it’s really not easy. You tend to use words like honest, willing, hard working, good in the air, when really what you mean is he can’t trap a bag of cement, has two left and couldn’t score in the Grafton even with a fifty pound note cellotaped to his fod.

 

Onto Sunday now, and Alexisenal had a comfortable win at home over Stoke. I have nothing further to add to that as I’m boring myself now with my bitterness about how easily we allowed him to join the Gunners.

 

The other game on Sunday saw 3rd v 4th as United played host to Southampton. The Mancs have been on a good run but they’re even more of a fraud team than Spurs. That said, they’ve had so many injuries that I did think they’d start to look better when they got some players back, especially as they have only had one game a week all season.

 

They’re just bang average though - De Gea is the only reason they’re in the top four - and Southampton handled them with ease really. United didn’t have a shot on target and this was a defensive masterclass from the Saints. They’re the best coached team in the league I’d say, just so well organised and disciplined.

 

Schneiderlin was absolutely top drawer again and the protection he and Wanyama give that back four is a big reason why they have the best defensive record in the league. It’s also a reason why Lovren looked so good for them and so shit for us, although other factors come into play there too (coaching, confidence and the ‘weight of the shirt’ etc). I keep hearing people raving about Jose Fonte but to me he’s a classic case of a player looking good due to the system and players around him. Put him in our back four and he’d be a lot worse than Lovren, as he was last year in fact.

 

Tadic scored the only goal of the game, but damn, what an absolute whopper he is. They had to delay bringing him on as a sub as he didn’t have his shirt or shin pads on. There’s no excuse for that, although it was funny listening to an indignant Gary Neville scoff “I wouldn’t bring him on”. I bet you wouldn’t, especially when he goes on to score the winner against United.

 

What did he do after he scored? He took off his shirt and got a yellow card. He also pulled down his shorts to show the label on his bills for some reason. He’s a good player but clearly his brains are in his boots. It’s rare I’ll ever say this about someone who has just scored a winner against United, but what an absolute fucking tool.

 

Southampton aren’t going away though are they? They had that spell when they lost five and it looked like maybe their bubble had burst, but since then they’ve beaten Arsenal and United. There’s a lot to like about Southampton, just not their haircuts. In fact the only place you’ll see worse barnets than St Mary’s is in our under 18 side.

 

Dave


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Broke the golden rule of lurking there, my good man.

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Phil Dowd refereed Chelsea 4 times in the PL last year. Chelsea won them all, including wins over Arsenal and United. He sent opposing players off in 2 of those games.

 

Presumably he passed the necessary fitness tests then too.

 

Mourinho is one of these classless people who believe that success and wealth exempt them from standards of professionalism, respect, courtesy and decency.

 

He is also now a crashing bore. I find these self-imposed 'silences' of his refreshing.

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Mourinho's doing Ferguson covers now then.

 

One of the most contrived men on Earth.

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Dowd was shit when he had lost weight a few years back too so that argument doesn't hold up. Mourinho will get a one game ban and a hefty £10,000 fine. 

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