Much more enjoyable this week wasn’t it? Three points for us while Arsenal and Spurs lost, and City also dropped points. The round up is later than usual this week because I haven’t been able to see MOTD until now because the wifi kept dropping for a few days and we couldn’t figure out why.
Turns out it was because I was trying to download Game of Thrones and there must be some security measure in place as it kept fucking up the wifi and no-one in the villa had internet access because of little ol' me.
But I’m back up and running now and managed to find MOTD on Youtube (fucking iplayer wouldn’t let me watch it as I’m not in the UK. Presumably I’ll get a partial refund on my TV license then, eh? Same goes for my BT Sport subscription. Cunts.
Speaking of cunts, the Mancs had an easy win at Swansea in the opening game of the weekend. Usually, as regular readers know, I’d completely gloss over that as I wouldn’t have seen any of it, but this time I did catch a bit of it, albeit unintentionally and certainly not a good bit. I needed to check the TV channels to see if our game was going to be shown on their telly, so I’m scrolling through all these channels and eventually came to one that was showing our game.
That was the good news. The bad news was that before our game they were showing the Mancs. I landed on the channel just in time to see them celebrating their first goal that came seconds before half time. Bastards.
So I left the TV on and went for a dip in the pool for a bit. I came back in about half an hour later and Swansea were all over them, so I thought I’d watch for a bit to see if they equalised. No such luck. United got a second against the run of play and I was still chucking my toys out the pram when they scored another, and then another. To be fair I was back in the pool by the time the fourth went in, but I was cursing myself for breaking my own rule. It won’t happen again. See no evil hear no evil is the only policy where United are concerned.
I’m not buying into the United hype just because they’ve thumped two really piss poor teams. Swansea will probably go down this year now they don’t have Sigurdsson scoring every other week. Clement did a fine job keeping them up last year but he doesn’t really have much to work with there, does he? And apparently Llorente is missing because he hurt himself cycling in the close season. What a dickhead. Ride a back when you’ve retired, you selfish twat. Actually no, riding a bike is fine, falling off and breaking your arm isn’t, you big clumsy fuck.
Onto Southampton / West Ham now. The Saints won and actually managed to score a few at home for once. A nice goal from Gabbiadini put them in front and they were helped by the stupidity of Arnautovic though who left West Ham a man down by getting ent off for a forearm smash to the neck of a defender.
He’d lost his rag after being caught with an elbow by Lemina a few minutes earlier as he challenged for a header. I could have understood it if he’d exacted revenge on the defender that nailed him, but he took his anger out on Stephens. He can’t claim mistaken identity there, so I can only deduce he’s picked a softer target because he’s a coward.
His shocked reaction to the decision was pure pantomime villain stuff too. Like a heel wrestler who’s been disqualified for pulling some rule breaking shit like clobbering his opponent with the ring bell when he thought the ref’s back was turned.
Southampton went 2-0 up with a Tadic penalty after Jose Fonte had dragged back Davis. Fonte was given the Lovren treatment by the home crowd. Southampton must have more former players at other clubs than any other club, and it feels like they hate them all.
West Ham looked to be in real trouble but incredibly they got back on level terms thanks to a brace by Hernandez, who is one hell of a goalhanger to be fair. Man after my own heart he is. Both his goals were tap ins after he followed in shots that rebounded back to him. Proper Mo Salah style that was.
Southampton eventually regrouped and won it with a controversial stoppage time penalty, converted by my boy Charlie Austin. Funny thing was Noble tried to put him off by telling him “he knows where you’re putting it” so Austin just went “nice one” and put it in the other corner.
Lee Mason had a right Jon Walters in this game. He should have sent Noble off for an over the top tackle and that was never a pen at the end. He did get the Arnautovic one right, but maybe if he’d done something about the initial elbow on him (like, oh I don't know, produced a yellow card) then Arnautovic wouldn’t have felt so aggrieved and taken matters into his own hands?
Lee Mason is crap, but the best thing I can say about him is that he isn’t Kevin Friend. Or Bobby Madley. More on that clown later.
Hal Robson-Kanu is usually good for one goal a season and he’s got his in early this year with the only goal of the game at Burnley. He then got sent off for clumsily elbowing someone and will now miss the next three games. Three games? Pulis may as well give him the next 12 months off now he’s got his goal. “Nice one, Hal, see you next year mate”.
Fucking hell, West Brom have signed Gareth Barry. Imagine how depressing it would be to sign that fat arsed crab. It almost ruined our summer back when he was actually half decent, but West Brom have got him when he’s pushing 40 and has nothing left. All he can do these days is foul and win a few headers…. ah ok, it makes sense now.
Japanese Dirk opened the scoring for Leicester against Brighton, but the goal owed everything to the run and shot by Mahrez, who is somehow still at Leicester despite everyone knowing he’s available at the right price. He’s still turning out for them and being a pro, nothing wrong with his back.
Roma want him to replace Salah, but they’re skint and are making Barcelona’s risible attempts at signing Coutinho seem almost credible. There’s a week left in this window and we need players, including another wideman who can score goals. Stop fucking about and just buy Mahrez.
Harry Maguire made it 2-0 when he headed in a lovely corner by Mahrez. This week’s hot take; Leicester will finish 7th this year and Brighton will be bottom with even fewer points than Sunderland last year.
Watford might be decent this year. Their manager knows what he’s doing and that was a good win for them at Bournemouth. The Brazilian lad they signed this summer put them in front. He’s an under 20 international apparently, which is hard to believe when you look at him. He must have taken over Diego Costa’s childhood paper round. Capoue, the August Pele, made it 2-0 with a belting goal.
Best part of this game was Chalobah running onto a ball on the edge of the box, completely unmarked and with a shooting opportunity, and then just letting the ball run past him because Arter was behind him and must have shouted “leave it”. I don’t like Arter, but that’s tremendous shithousing. The kind of thing I’d expect from Suarez.
Arsenal lost at Stoke in the evening game. It’s not a happy hunting ground for them at all, Wenger absolutely hates Stoke. The best thing about this fixture is the Stoke fans’ bizarre grudge against Ramsay and the abuse they give him every time he plays there. That’s some next level gobshitery, so much so that I kind of admire it.
Jese scored the only goal of the game. He’s doing my head in already, through no real fault of his own but I’m sick of the commentators calling him “Hessay”. Fuck off, it’s Jessy. Worse than “Hamez” Rodriguez that.
Onto Sunday now and there’s big trouble at Newcastle, who were beaten at Huddersfield and then knocked out of the league cup by Forest. A confrontational, politicking manager with a history of falling out with his bosses, and a gobshite owner who is a law unto himself. It’s amazing they’ve lasted as long as they have. Will Rafa even make it to the end of this transfer window?
Huddersfield are in dreamland though and are the only team in Premier League history with a 100% record. That lad I mentioned last week, the baldy number ten who looked good and I said I may even learn his name soon. His name is Aaron Mooy and even though he looks like Howard Webb’s illegitimate son, I like him already. He scored the only goal of the game and it was a cracker.
Chelsea against Spurs was a decent game with a somewhat predictable ending. Spurs have no home advantage any more and Chelsea are usually their bogey side anyway. Chelsea have plenty of Wembley experience and this had a cup final / semi final feel about it. Alonso’s brilliant free kick broke the deadlock and then Chelsea just went into “hold what we have” mode. Spurs looked to have ran out of ideas but then equalised out of nowhere when Batshuayi headed into his own net.
It’s funny because I watched this with a Chelsea fan and he despises Batshuayi. When he came on I was like “here’s your boy”. I was hoping he’d miss a chance or two so I could take the piss a bit, but within a couple of minutes he’s scored an own goal. I didn’t even need to say anything, I just laughed.
As it turns out it didn’t harm Chelsea because Alonso bagged his second of the game to win it late on. Absolutely shocking goalkeeping from Lloris though. Pretty sure I’ve moaned about this before, but if I was a a manager and my keeper did that I’d volley the cunt everywhere when he got back into the dressing room.
Everyone can make mistakes, but that is unacceptable because he was just showing off. I mean, just stand there and boot away like any of us would when we have to go in goal in five a side. Why is he diving and trying to stop that with his hands? Because he’s fucking showing off, the tit.
A draw would have done me but if anyone was going to win I’m glad it was Chelsea because we were above them no matter what happened but it meant we went above Spurs too.
Same with the Monday night game, a draw was the best result for us there too as it meant we clawed back two points on City and the Blues.
Everton should have won it as they had the lead through Rooney and City were a man down after a ridiculous decision by Bobby Madley, who sent Walker off for basically nothing. I can’t actually believe that decision, it was incredible. He also booked Davies for a dive when it was a clear foul.
Everton bottled it though and City piled on the pressure and eventually levelled through Sterling. Schneiderlin was then sent off for winning the ball and making no contact whatsoever with Aguero.
Bobby Madley ladies and gents *slow handclap*.
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