Jan 1: New Year same old bullshit. Toni Kroos?? Yeah why not, let’s get Stevie to text him again, eh? Worked out so well last time we tried to get him. Speaking of the skipper, he says that the club want him to come back but don’t know exactly what they want him to do. “I have had a chat with Klopp,” said Gerrard. “I haven’t had an offer as such, but the club have let me know they are keen for me to come back. There hasn’t been a conversation where they have said: ‘we want you to do this, we want you to do that’. But they have welcomed me back in.”
Is it just me or does that sound like he’s been completely fobbed off? It’s the kind of thing you say to your kid when they ask for something you know you have absolutely no intention of getting them. “Yeah, we’ll see what Father Christmas brings you” and then you just hope they’ve forgotten by the time Crimbo comes around.
This isn’t going to end well. Klopp’s coaching staff seems settled and he’s not going to be bringing Gerrard into that set up. Maybe there could be a role for him with the under 21s or at the Academy, but I can’t help think it’s going to be some bullshit ambassadorial role that isn’t going to satisfy him. It shouldn't have ever come to this but now it has I have no idea what the solution should be.
Jan 2: West Ham 2 L 0 Truly pathetic that. The goals we gave away were poor but that’s going to happen from time to time and defensively we’ve been doing alright of late. Going forward we got nuthin’ though. You look at the money we spent on these attacking players and frankly it’s a scandal that the only person who lost his job was Rodgers. Klopp was full of beans when he got here, talking about how pleased he is with the players he inherited and how everyone needs to believe more. How’s that working out for you then, Kloppo? Now you know why belief was so low to begin with, because we’re just completely lacking in star quality and matchwinners.
Jan 3: Marko Grujic will arrive this week to sign before going back to Red Star on loan for the rest of the season. Can’t say I’m excited by this at all. He might well be great, but from now on I’m going to take the starting position that any player we sign is shit and then it’s up to them to surprise me. Think that’s overly cynical? Take a look at every player we’ve signed under the age of 21 since, let’s say 2001. 99% of them have not lived up to expectations. Sterling and Coutinho are the only two exceptions I can think of off the top of my head, so forgive me for not believing that this kid of gonna be the new Zvonomir Boban or something. I’d settle for him being the new Igor Biscan, but even that’s probably fanciful.
I’m not going to kick off about loaning him back though as I don’t see this as being a January signing. It’s a summer signing that’s being done early to avoid missing out on him, and besides, what difference is a 19 year old centre midfielder going to make to us this season anyway? Get us a fucking striker, knobheads.
Jan 4: Klopp says Sturridge isn’t in contention for tomorrow night because he has missed training sessions. Sometimes he trains then the next day he can’t. So much for this mini pre-season he’s meant to be having. I had visions of him doing some sort of intensive boot camp thing to fast track him to fitness, when it turns out what he’s actually doing is a day here and there and then putting his feet up because he can’t sustain it. This fella is NEVER going to be available for us for even 50% of a season, let alone the bare minimum of 75% that we really need him for. The worst part is there’s fuck all we can do about it as he’s got four years left on his contract and he won’t go elsewhere because no-one else would be stupid enough to pay him 150k a week.
Klopp also once again denied being interested in signing a keeper and said that Mignolet is “really, really, really good”. Won’t stop the papers from coming up with another name to link us to tomorrow. It’s bizarre, as I don’t think they’re just making this stuff up. Are “the committee” sounding out keepers even though Klopp wants to use what money he has on midfield and forwards?
In other news, Rafa is sacked. I said he’d be gone by Christmas so he beat that by a week or so. It was always going to be this way as they should never have hired him. He was the worst possible fit for them and it was an insane choice. It was never going to work and I don’t mean that in any disparaging way towards him. He was just absolutely the wrong man for that particular job and the set of circumstances involved. He probably knew it too, but he’d waited his whole career for that job so had to give it a go.
Madrid are an absolute law unto themselves, so much so that talk of them re-hiring Mourinho can’t even be dismissed as they are that batshit mental. You know what I think happened? I reckon they wanted Kloppo last summer and when he wasn’t available they settled for Rafa as a short term appointment. We’re fortunate we got Klopp when we did, as there are going to be some big jobs available this summer. Madrid, Chelsea, both Manc clubs and Bayern. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get pissed off with what he’s walked into here. He doesn’t seem the type, but in his shoes I’d defo be wondering if I’d made a mistake, especially when Ayre pulls his annual January transfer window fuck up. Can’t wait for that.
Jan 5: Stoke 0 L 1 That was alright that. Great effort from the lads even if their obvious failing was still glaringly apparent. One goal again, and even that was pretty lucky, just like it was in other 1-0 wins against Sunderland, Swansea and Bournemouth. Not that I’m complaining, if it was a league game I might be concerned but this now is all about getting to Wembley and trying to win a cup, as we’re going nowhere in the league. We’ve got one foot in the final now and this was a good response to what happened at West Ham.
Lucas was fucking fantastic tonight by the way, as was Kolo, but these injuries… Christ. Will we have anyone left when we play the second leg? Even Enrique might get a game, although Klopp would probably pick the monkey first.
Jan 6: Grujic checks in and then checks back out again faster than you can say “Tiago Ilori”, who might be about to check back in himself after we asked Villa to terminate the loan. I can’t think of a single reason why they wouldn’t, he hasn’t kicked a ball for them yet and they’re paying his wages. It’s in everyone’s best interests that he comes back, but we might have to give Villa their loan fee back. Still, he’ll be “like a new signing”, which is probably as close as we’ll get to one. Apart from when Sturridge comes back for a game or two to briefly soften the blow of us not signing a striker.
In other news today, Fat Sam says it’s Klopp’s fault that our players are dropping like flies because he had them playing this high tempo stuff that’s putting too much strain on the players. I actually think he may well be right, but why’s he sticking his fat mashed potato face into our business?
Jan 7: There was a tunnel altercation between players from Barca and Espanyol at the weekend. The cause of it? Suarez waiting in the tunnel shouting “I’m waiting for you! Come here, you’re a waste of space!” *sobs* I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss him. I even miss the aggro. Fucks sake. I love you Luis, I always will.
Meanwhile, incredible news as Klopp says Enrique will play at Exeter…
Jan 8: Exeter 2 L 2 Really not sure why so many people seemed pissed off about this. I was quite pleased considering this was purely a “making up the numbers” team and there’s only maybe one or two who have any chance of still being here in a year or two. We’re still in the cup, we managed to rest anybody of any importance, and the kids who played battled well and came from behind twice as well as overcoming the handicap of having fanta pants in goal. Seriously, enough of that now, just play Mignolet. He might be shit, but he’s not horrendously shit.
Benteke though, fucking hell. He really didn’t want to be out there and it couldn’t have been more obvious. He was a disgrace in the first half and some fans are starting to really hate him now. I’m not there yet, but I’d love to sit down with him and point out just how fucking braindead and shit his ‘movement’ in the box is. How has he reached the level he has when he hasn’t even grasped the basics? His physical power and ability have got him where he is I guess, maybe he’s never really had to worry about this stuff before, but he should be worrying about it now because it’s why he was being trotted out to play with the stiffs on a bog of a pitch against league two cloggers while everybody else was at home with their feet up, preparing for Arsenal and United next week.
Also of interest today, reports now suggest it wasn’t Suarez shouting his mouth off at Espanyol players in the tunnel….. it was Mascherano. Another narky little bastard who I miss desperately. We were so fucking lucky when you think of some of the players we’ve had. As well as those two, you’ve got Xabi, Torres, Carra, Stevie, big Sami… makes it all the more depressing what we’re watching now though doesn’t it?
Jan 9: “The fans now have me in a different view. I think that they are now starting to realise that I am worthy, and they regret that they initially had a different opinion.” Steady on Dejan. Yes we do have a different view, yes you might actually be worthy, but no-one regrets their initial opinion because it was completely justified. Poor choice of words I’d say but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt as it was translated from Croatian and he may not have said it exactly like that. I’d prefer if players waited until the summer before sounding off about stuff like this, although at least in Lovren’s case he’s injured so his words can’t come back to haunt him in the next game.
Jan 10: Clinton Morrison ladies and gentlemen: “I don’t think, when we play them at Anfield, he will change the team as much. I think you will see five or six first-teamers back. Jurgen Klopp knows the Liverpool fans won’t accept (a similar performance at home). When I was warming up at half-time one of the Liverpool fans shouted out, ‘Oi, Clinton. Tell that Klopp to sort it out. We didn’t come all this way to see this'. I know for a fact there were some disgruntled people there who were disappointed in the team he picked.”
Gotta love him, 15 years ago he was giving Michael Owen advice on how to stay confident after missing chances, and now he’s telling Jurgen Klopp how to pick a team. I don’t mind him though, he’s pretty harmless. I do have a problem with whatever bellend yelled out to him “Oi, Clinton. Tell that Klopp to sort it out” though. Seriously, what kind of dicksplash does that?
Jan 11: Danny Ward is back from Aberdeen. Thank fuck for that. I expect Klopp had one of his minions on the phone to Ward before the players even got back to the dressing room at half time the other night. The Bogdan experiment is hopefully over now, and not before time. I was never on the ‘Bogdan Bus’ like some were (my Dad was driving the fucking thing), the most complimentary thing I ever said about him was that he was better than Brad Jones, but I’m even regretting that now as I’m not sure he is.
Jan 12: Steven Caulker?? What the fuck??? That came out of nowhere. The first thing I thought when I heard that was “oh man, Brendan’s gonna be fuming!”. I mean who’s next, Ryan Bertrand? Ashley Williams? The second thing I thought was that this is kind of a reverse Bodgan. We signed that loser on the back of a great performance against us in the cup last year, so we’ve gone oppo on this one as Caulker got absolutely ruined by Sturridge and Origi in the 6-1. That was his last game for Southampton, no surprise there.
All that said, I don’t have an issue with us signing him as emergency cover as he’s definitely better than Ilori and possibly Toure (although to be fair, Kolo has been ace when he’s played this season). He’s certainly more durable than both of them and we’re better off having him than not. Sensible short term signing, hopefully it’s not going to be just him but I fucking bet it is. January is the worst month to be a Liverpool fan I reckon.
Jan 13: L 3 Arsenal 3 Typical. The one time it finally clicks in attack it falls apart at the back. There was a lot to like about the performance and I’d have taken a point beforehand, but it’s frustrating that we needed a late rescue act in a game in which we were the better side for most of it. Firmino looked like Poundland Suarez again, which bodes well for the rest of the season and I was made up for ‘Wee Joe’ when he got that equaliser. He should do that more often, as when he has license to get forward he always gets himself into great positions, even if he doesn’t usually finish them off as well as this.
Jan 14: Andy Carroll is ruled out for two months. In other news the sky is blue and water is wet. He'll still play more games between now and May than fucking Sturridge though.
Jan 15: Klopp’s press conference today was interesting. You can tell he’s sick to his back teeth about Sturridge now and just doesn’t even entertain questions on him. What was great though was when he was asked about other players carrying knocks: “Henderson ok. Ibe ok. Sakho ok. Kolo is still in the ice bath” hahahaha!
Jan 16: Shane Long???? Why do I get the mental image of those transfer committee jabronis sat round a computer, looking at an excel spreadsheet and not being able to figure out how to switch the tab so they can get off the Southampton page? The sad thing is, we’re so fucking bad at scoring goals that Long would be an improvement. He’d instantly make us more threatening even if he is completely streaky in front of goal. Sometimes he can’t hit a cow’s arse with banjo, other times he looks like a teenage Michael Owen.
I’m under no illusions that he’s any better than a little above average; he’s a mid-table level striker but we’re a mid-table level club who happen to be horrific up front and he’d help us. Long’s style of play is actually a great fit for us and if you ask me now if we’d be better or worse off if we signed Long, there’s not a doubt in my mind that we’d be better off. God that’s depressing.
Of course the counter argument is that if Long would be an improvement then that means there must be a load of other players around the world who also would be. It’s a big world out there with a lot of strikers in it so we should be able to find better than a lad who is third choice centre forward at Southampton, but that is kind of a moot point when you take into account how fucking clueless that committee is at buying players. We could do worse than Shane Long, and indeed frequently have done.
Jan 17: L 0 Utd 1 Well that was entirely predictable. We outplayed them from start to finish, created about half a dozen chances for every one they did, and lost because we can’t score and we can’t defend corners. I’m not even mad with the players anymore, they’re genuinely doing the best they can but their best just isn’t good enough. They huff and puff, they play some really nice football at times, but no cunt can put the ball in the net and that’s why we’re 9th.
Meanwhile, Brendan finally made his long expected appearance on Goals on Sunday, and went full on “Shaggy” with his “Wasn’t me” routine. That said, I’m with him on a hell of a lot of what he said. The club is a fucking joke and unless Klopp is allowed to just completely do things his way and not have to even contemplate for a second what that fucking disgrace Ian Ayre and the rest of his committee jabronis think, then it won’t get any better.
Rodgers was only part of the problem and he was too weak to stand up for himself. He should never have allowed himself to be pushed into signing Balotelli and it reflects badly on him that he was. It reflects even more badly on him that all the club had to do was massage his ego a little and say “we believe you can coach him up and unlock his potential” for him to relent and sign someone he was telling journalists a week or two earlier that he wouldn’t sign “if he was the last player on earth”.
It was significant that he finally admitted that he didn’t have the final say, when previously he’d towed the company line and insisted he did. “It was a group decision; it was certainly not something where I would have the sole final say. It's difficult because you want a player in but if the player is not on the list, you'd have to take someone." I don’t like that either, although given at one time he wanted to sign Alan Tate from Swansea it’s not always a bad thing I suppose.
The thing that’s really pissed me off is the Deli Alli situation. I knew this anyway, but it was good to have Rodgers put it out there to finally let people know why this talented young Liverpool fan who idolised Stevie Gerrard is now tearing it up at Spurs while we have to watch a bunch of midfielders who are firing more blanks than Boycey from Only Fools & Horses.
"We thought we had him at Liverpool. The manager of MK Dons actually drove him down to us. They played a game on the Saturday and we were playing West Ham on the Sunday. We'd had contact with Dele, it was all above board, I was speaking with Karl Robinson and I spoke to Dele and his adoptive parents.
"Karl (Robinson) did really well with him and he came to me and said, 'I've got a really exciting player, I'd love to see him at Liverpool'. "I spent a couple of hours in a hotel room with him and he wanted to come to Liverpool. It was all about getting the deal done with the club but unfortunately it never got done.
"On Saturday evening we thought it had got done but eventually he went to Tottenham, which was frustrating and disappointing. He's done really well there."
This is a fucking scandal really. Brendan was careful not to throw anyone under the bus, but there was more to it than he said. It wasn’t a case of not getting a deal done, it was a case of doing a deal and then going back on it and pissing off MK Dons to the point where they rightly just said “fuck you” and sold him to Spurs.
All the shite we’ve bought since this committee was formed, and the one class young player they should have had they let him slip through their fingers. It just makes me so fucking mad that they’re all still here stealing a living (especially that cunt Ayre) and have never been held accountable for the string of fuck ups they’ve made.
Jan 18: It’s Blue Monday today, which apparently means it’s the most depressing day of the year when people are at their lowest. In other, entirely unrelated news, Simon Mignolet pens a five year contract. At least the club hasn’t lost it’s sense of humour.
Also today, Jerome Sinclair is set to move abroad according to reports. I said my piece on this little upstart in last month’s diary, so all I’ll add here is that he won’t be missed because let’s face it, he’s a striker who can’t even get on the bench for the least prolific scoring team in the entire history of the club. That tells you all you need to know. He ain’t all that and a bag o’ potato chips. Do the kids still say that these days, or am I stuck in the 90s?
Jan 19: Klopp describes Benteke as 'the complete striker' and says 'of course he has a future here'. Don't know what to think about this as we don't know Kloppo well enough yet to know if he's a bullshitter like Brendan. Tell you what though, I really hope he is because this "complete striker" and "really, really, really good goalkeeper" thing will have me deeply concerned if he's not actually telling porkies.
West Ham are rumoured to be ready to pay £18m for Sturridge. Where this is coming from I have no idea, but it's clearly bollocks. Perhaps if West Ham hadn't already been shafted by us over our last sicknote centre forward there'd be a possibility, but they'd have to be even more inept at transfers than us to do this deal. There's more chance of him actually getting on the pitch and playing every game between now and the end of his contract than there is of us being able to get £18m for the fucker.
Jan 20: L 3 Exeter 0 Good stuff. Some nice performances from the kids and Ojo made quite the impression when he came on. I want to see more of him because unlike most of our other attackers he’s got a bit of swagger and confidence and he’s not afraid to try and be positive. Teixeira has it too, maybe because they’ve not been tainted by the stain of being in this first team they still have the confidence to try things. The established players all look scared shitless when they get anywhere near the box.
Jan 21: Alex Teixeira? Never heard of the cunt, but from reading up on him and watching some videos he does seem to be exactly what we need, and we could have the added bonus of him bringing out more from Firmino, who clearly has ability but isn’t going to be the main source of goals and who has no idea whatsoever how to play with Benteke. Teixeira has 22 goals in 15 league games. As a team we have 25 in 22. Apparently we’ve put a £24.5m bid in, and… oh…. Ian Ayre has flown out to finalise the deal…...
Meanwhile, Masch is sentenced to a year in prison for tax evasion. He’ll be running that gaff on his first day, the mad little bastard.
Jan 22: Ok, you won’t believe this, but Ayre is flying back from Florida empty handed after failing to agree a deal for Teixeira. I know, I was shocked too. Talks are ongoing and LFC are hopeful of concluding a deal and blah blah blah. The only question now is whether this goes down Konoplyanka Lane or Willian Boulevard. He’s either staying put at Shakhtar while we completely mysteriously lose all interest in him, or someone else is waiting for us to agree a deal and if by some miracle we do, they’ll come in and offer more money and we’ll quietly slope off like the nerd getting sand kicked in his face at the beach while the jock walks away with the fit bird. Just once I’d like us to be the jock.
Meanwhile, Masch won’t be doing Porridge after all as he’s agreed a payment plan with the Spanish government and has had his sentence suspended. It was reported as “Mascherano escapes prison sentence”. Wrong. It should be “Prison escapes Mascherano sentence”. Convicts and Screws all over Spain are breathing a huge sigh of relief today.
Jan 23: Norwich 4 L 5 Bloody hell, just when you think you’ve got this team figured out they go and do something like this. I thought we were improving at the back. I thought we couldn’t score goals. Then this happens and it’s all just up in the air again. How can a team that can’t score suddenly hit five? How can you concede four to fucking Norwich?
Klopp’s celebration though. When this season is all said and done, that will be the most enduring image I reckon. I also suspect it might be the season’s highpoint too, unless we somehow manage to fluke a cup.
Jan 24: Van Gaal has apparently offered to resign. A week ago he was saying they could win the league. Maybe this Mourinho begging letter thing is behind it. No idea if it’s true or not but given how much I hate Mourinho and think he’s a massive helmet, I’ll just go ahead and choose to believe it’s all accurate. Writing a 6 page letter outlining what he’d do to turn United around and why he should be give the job is a bit stalkerish isn’t it? He’s proper obsessed with United. You could even call him ‘a voyeur’, eh Arsene? And six pages? Is that it? Brendan will be spinning in his grave reading about that.
Speaking of Wenger though, his team had the chance to go top today. Within 22 minutes they’d had a man sent off and were a goal down to Chelsea, and that’s how it stayed.
Jan 25: Driving through Formby today and Adam Lallana drove past me on the other side of the road. I’ve seen him a few times on that same road and recognise his car, so when I saw him coming towards me I gave it the full Klopp, gesturing with my left hand “come here, come here”. He didn’t see me, or he chose to ignore it. Bet he’s been getting that all the time since Saturday.
Jan 26: L 0 Stoke 1 Fucking hell, we never do it the easy way do we? Finals, semi finals, they’re always a complete nightmare ride for us. One the one hand this was a proper shit performance but on the other, it was also pretty gutsy how the players hung in there and kept their nerve when it went to pens. It would have been nice to play well and get through comfortably, but if we win the final then nobody ever remembers the games along the road to get there.
Jan 27: Rodgers goes on Talksport and says he wouldn’t be surprised if Suarez came back because he loved it here and loved the fans, and wouldn’t play for another English club. This all came about because Suarez was quoted yesterday saying if he came back to England he’d only play for us, and he loves us and misses us and blah blah blah. So just to be clear, we’re all just pretending that that whole Arsenal thing never happened, right?
Luis has got no fucking idea what he’s doing to us with this shit. Look, he’s not coming back, there is not a chance in hell that will happen and he knows it, but any time he so much as mentions us it gets everyone all excited and full of hope. I doubt there’s anybody out there who loves him more than I do, or who misses him more than me. There’s not a day goes by I don’t pine for him, and I’m embarrassed to admit that as I’m a 42 year old man with a wife and kid for fucks sake. It’s unhealthy how much I still love that goofy bastard, but all that said, just shut the fuck up Luis as this shit isn’t fair, you’re being a bad cock tease so just pack it the fuck in.
In other news today, the Blues lose at City, which is karma for them rolling over and having their bellies tickled by them two years ago just to stop us winning the league. Enjoy yet another year with no trophy, knobheads. How yer “Masterplan” working out now eh? Eh? Eh?
Meanwhile, Alex Teixeira goes public on his desire to move to Anfield. I couldn’t believe what I was watching, it was nuts. It hasn’t made me want to sign him any less, but I do think he’s acted like a massive twat. Is Aidy Ward his agent? Just imagine if Sterling had done something like that to try and force through his move to City? I wonder if we put him up to it, in some sort of desperate ploy to make his position at Shakhtar untenable? It won’t work, if anything this has probably lessened whatever slim chance there was of a deal being done. Might want to dig Shane Long’s number out of the waste paper basket…
Jan 28: Ramires is signing for some Chinese team for £20m. Yeah, nothing dodgy about that, not at all. Does FFP not apply in China? Maybe it's just a UEFA thing. What next though, Mikel moving to the Australian league for £35m? He’d still suck even at that level, the big useless get. As for us, we’re being linked with Javier Hernandez again today. He moved to Germany for £7m six months ago and we’re now looking to sign him for three times that amount. Sounds like the kind of thing we’d do, but it won’t be this month that’s for damn sure.
Jan 29: Shakhtar have finally grown tired of our pissing around and put out a statement saying that they’ll sell him in the summer and not before, unless we want to pay double what we originally offered. Hell of a job by Ian Ayre, when he started ‘negotiating’ the asking price was €50m. After a week of discussions Ian has managed to get them to change their demands, and they now want €70m. What would we do without him eh? Hopefully one day we’ll find out.
Jan 30: L 0 West Ham 0 If only we had a fucking striker worthy of the name. The defence played well, the two kids in the middle of the park were the best players on the pitch but the front three did fuck all. Actually that’s unfair on Joao, he wasn’t bad and at least forced the keeper into two saves. Ibe was atrocious and Benteke is just… well I don’t even know what he is. We could still win the replay but only if we have either Origi or.. don’t laugh… Sturridge back.
The best and worst moment of this game was Enrique running on like Roy of the Rovers and immediately grabbing that free kick and twatting it straight at the first man. It was the worst because it was infuriataing, but the best because it's one of the few times I've found myself smiling while watching us this season.
Jan 31: Deadline day tomorrow but Klopp says there’s not going to be anyone coming in. Didn’t stop the usual suspects from linking us with all manner of players we were never going to get though. Alvaro Morata was one today, which initially seemed ludicrous until I read that he recently went 20 games without scoring so perhaps not so unrealistic after all.
Seriously though, imagine if someone would have suggested back in December that the only signing we’d make in January is Steven Caulker on loan. No-one would have believed it. The January transfer deadline day is my least favourite day of the year, it invariably makes me hate the people running our club just that little bit more, and it’s been exacerbated this year by this stuff about ticket price increases for next year. The more they get, the more they want, and the worst part is all this extra cash they get from Sky and the fans is only going straight into the pockets of cunt agent and shit footballers.
Finally, Everton beat Carlisle easily in the FA Cup today. The blues fans raised nearly 10k to help out those hit by the floods, and Carlisle fans showed their appreciation by making monkey noises at Kone and singing "your support is fucking shit". I guess the Blues finally met their match and found someone even more smalltime than themselves.
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