Euro 2016 Round Up (Days 3-4)

Day three kicked off with Croatia dominating Turkey but needing a solitary Luka Modric goal to claim the points. Credit to him for the strike but what’s with all these shit keepers in this tournament? That effort from the Turkish keeper was truly pitiful, although don’t say that to Slaven Bilic or he’ll rip your head off, as poor old Glen Hoddle almost found out to his cost.
 
I thought John Hartson was bad the other day saying the Slovakian keeper had no chance on the Bale free-kick, but Bilic was worse as he knew the Turkish keeper fucked up but just didn’t want anyone to acknowledge it in case it took any of the shine off his mate Modric’s strike. "A great strike but the keeper has got to do better" "NO! It was great strike, you should focus on that". Ok Slav, keep your hair on. Oh, too late for that I see.
 
So many of the goals that have been scored so far in this tournament have been down to horrendous play from the keepers, but you can also point the finger at one of the Turkish midfield lads and his half arsed attempt to close down Modric before the shot (just don’t do it if Bilic is within earshot). He was jogging out, running his hand through his hair Adam Lallana style, which is even worse than turning your back on the ball and if I was the Turkey coach I’d have subbed the cunt and sent him home immediately.
 
I really like that Perisic lad for Croatia. Good player him, don’t like the map of Croatia shaved into his head though. That seems a little OTT but at least it’s not as permanent as a tattoo I suppose.
 
Turkey were really disappointing and their kit is shite. In fact most of the kits in international football are shite, mainly because of this new trend of having the same colour shirts, shorts and socks. I don’t like it. Bring back the traditional kits with different coloured shorts, as this is bollocks. 
 
The best kit in the tournament is the Polish one. I love a white shirt / red short combo me. Beautiful kit that, the badge looks ace on it too. I’m too old and too fat to wear footy shirts, especially these skinny fit ones, but if I wasn’t I’d defo buy that.
 
The Poles got off to a winning start with a 1-0 win over the Northern Irish that was a lot more comfortable than the score suggests. I wanted the Irish to do well but fuck me they were terrible weren’t they? Poland played quite well and have some good players, but the “Green Army” (or are they the green and white army, I get confused?) looked completely out of their depth. They were unbeaten in 12 games prior to this. How is that even possible, as most of their team are either from West Brom or are complete unknowns. Based on this display, it’s a miracle they got here at all, so all credit to them for that because it’s an even bigger achievement than I thought.
 
Arkadiusz Milik got the only goal of the game, and that’s a fucking great name. He sounds like he should be a star in an American sci-fi TV show, like “the 100” or Stargate or some shit. He’s a good player too, maybe we should be trying to buy him instead of the lad he’s keeping out of the team and who couldn’t get a game at Udinese?
 
Final observation from this. Rio Ferdinand was wearing a denim shirt with the top button fastened. I’m long past being aware of what’s cool or not, but is this acceptable now? Have denim shirts made a comeback? If so I’ll have to dig mine out, I haven’t worn it since the 90s.
 
Onto the night game, and the Germans looked predictably strong without ever getting anywhere near their top gear against Ukraine. Joachim Low must be a happy man, knowing his team is so good. Finger sniffing good in fact. How awesome was that? You’d think he’d be more careful after the bogey eating incident at the last tournament, but he clearly just doesn’t give a fuck. Fair play to the dirty bastard. I dread to think what he's got in store for us next time though.
 
Mustafi put Germany in front with a great header and Jonathan Pearce mentioned in commentary that he used to play for Everton, to which the entire viewing public (including Evertonians) replied as one “Eh? When??”. Turns out he was there two and a half years and played 15 minutes against BATE in the Europa. He then left on a free and has played for Sampdoria and Valencia and is now in the German team. Not quite as epic a fail as the mancs allowing Pogba and Pique to leave, but still, good job Everton *slow hand clap* 
 
Toni Kroos ran the show, but he loses man points for spelling his name the girl’s way. Bet he puts a little heart over the ‘i’ instead of a dot too. I only hope that when Brendan made Stevie send him those begging texts to try and get him to Anfield, Stevie didn’t lower himself to spell it that way and used a ‘y’ instead. 
 
Gotze was crap, perhaps because he was playing up front. He looked way out of his comfort zone until they brought Schurrle on and he got to play a little deeper. That’s the one concern with Germany, the lack of a natural striker. I don’t know - or care - how old he is now, but Germany should still be picking Miroslav Klose. As long as he’s still capable of walking they should pick him because it didn’t matter what he was doing for the rest of the year, any time he pulled on that German shirt in a major tournament he was completely transformed. That shirt was his Superman cape, without it he was just plain old Clark Kent. 
 
Boss when Schweinsteiger came on as a late sub and then scored immediately after a lung bursting run that took him the full length of the pitch, no doubt prompting manc fans everywhere to yell at their telly’s “oh NOW you’ll fucking run??”.
 
Speaking of old timers, Tomas Rosicky is still playing for the Czechs. Turns out he’s only 34, yet he’s been around for as long as I can remember. It must help when you’re always injured at club level though, as it keeps the miles off the clock for when the international tournaments come around. Rosicky only played 20 minutes for Arsenal last year, yet here he is at Euro 2016. You know when you’re playing footy manager and you get one of your more experienced players to mentor a younger player and show him the ropes? Arsenal must have done that with Rosicky and “one start Wilshere”.
 
According to Clive Tyldesley, the Czech striker has just one goal in his last 40 games. Stats like that completely blow my mind you know. How is it possible to play up front and score one goal in forty games? Just how shit must you be? I think even Jozy Altidore managed two. “He’s a big lump and does bring something to the team though” added Clive. If that’s all they want then why not tell Jan Koller to stop fucking about protecting Cersei in Game of Thrones and help his country out instead. I know he’s getting on, but he has to be younger than Rosicky, surely, and he’d sure as hell score more than this one in forty slapdick that played against Spain.
 
It pains me to see how shite the Czechs are now though. They had the golden generation of Paddy, Vladi, Nedved, Poborsky & co, and then they had the likes of Cech, Plasil, Rosicky and Baros coming through to succeed them. What have they got now? Nothing, they’re a bunch of nobodies. They’ve even got lads from Brighton and Sheff Wed in their squad now. It just makes me sad.
 
I don’t like watching Spain. They bore me shitless with their “our shit don’t stink” attitude and tiki taka bullshit, and loads of their players are massive twats. Fabregas, Ramos and Pique in particular get right on my tits. It looked like they were going to be left frustrated by the Czechs until Pique popped up with a late winner. Fuck off Spain. Not Iniesta though, he rules.
 
Next up was one I’d been looking forward to, mainly for the Father Ted flags if I’m being completely honest. Do the Ireland fans sing “My lovely horse” at the game? I’ll be immensely disappointed if they don’t. It should be their national anthem. 
 
They’ve really got their work cut out to qualify from this group and could have done with three points from this one against Sweden. They played well and should have won it, and they may rue these lost two points as now they’re going to have to beat either Italy or Belgium to go through now. They had plenty of chances in a one sided first half, the best of which saw John O’Shea fail to connect from a few yards out with the goal gaping. He’d have buried it at the other end, no question.
 
They eventually took the lead after the break with a lovely finish by Hoolahan (still couldn’t pick him out of a line up though, the most forgettable face in the Premier League) but having taken the lead they seemed to get nervous and allowed Sweden to come into it. Clark twice went close to putting through his own net before eventually doing so at the third attempt. I don’t blame him for that, I blame Martin O’Neill for picking him. Sorry, but I wouldn’t let an Aston Villa defender play for my daughter's under 9 team, let alone in a European Championship, even if it is only against Zlatan. Ireland surely must have someone else they can pick instead? They’d be better off dragging Paul McGrath out the pub and putting him in there.
 
That Hendrick lad was good though. I’d never even laid eyes on him before this game but he looked useful. Decent hair as well. I quite like Robbie Brady too. I haven’t watched him enough to know if he can defend or not (I assume he can’t, otherwise he’d be playing for a bigger club), but he’s good going forward and any time I watched Norwich he usually caught the eye. 
 
Speaking of Zlatan though, he said the day before the game “the legend can still deliver”. Well he delivered alright. He delivered the same type of mediocre performance he’s produced in virtually all of the 30-40 other games of his I’ve watched. Zlatan Bangaveragebignoseivic. 
 
Finally, of all the opening round of matches, Italy against Belgium was the game I’d looked forward to most. I’m not going to lie, it was mostly because of the Italian anthem. That never fails to deliver, especially when Buffon is belting it out, but the game exceeded expectations and was the best of the tournament so far I thought. I enjoyed it more than any other game so far anyway.  
 
I had low expectations of Italy as they’ve fallen so far from grace over recent years. Remember when their team used to have loads of superstars? Vialli, Baggio, Rossi, Pirlo, Donadoni, Totti, Mancini etc Now their centre forward plays for fucking Southampton, their left winger couldn’t get a game at Sunderland and one of their full backs can’t get in the worst Man United team in living memory. That might be the norm for some smaller countries, but this is fucking ITALY!! So yeah, I didn’t think they’d be any good, but they were and I loved it. Not as much as Buffon, who ran the length of the field to celebrate Pelle's goal, and then did it again at full time and tried to swing on the crossbar only to lose his grip land flat on his back. What a man he is though.
 
As you’d expect, they defended well (one area in which they do still have players as good as anyone) but I thought they were very positive going forward too. The front two held it up and linked play, and Candreva on the right was terrific, while Giaccherini’s performance must have had Sunderland fans wondering just why the hell he was playing his football for someone else last season. He opened the scoring with a terrific finish and was a threat all night, as was Pelle who could easily have had a hat-trick with a bit more luck. He had to settle for just the one, a thumping volley in stoppage time to kill the game off.
 
They just did a proper number on the disappointing Belgians, although shit as they were they still had several good chances that they should have taken. There’s just something about them I don’t like though, but I can’t put my finger on what it is. Oh wait a minute, yes I can. It’s the players, bunch of wankers. Not just the Premier League contingent either, just look at the absolute fucking state of that Naingollan cunt.  
 
Lukaku was shite and had Divock put away one of the two good chances that came his way after replacing him, he’d probably be starting the next game ahead of the wantaway blueshite. Origi looked understandably rusty though and fluffed two headers that he’d normally have buried. Player for player Belgium have as strong a team as any in the tournament, but there’s just something missing with them. 
 
You have to say it’s probably down to the coach. I know nothing about Marc Wilmots, but any manager who picks Fellaini over Dembele clearly has a fucking screw loose.
 
Biggest shocks of the tournament so far:
 
1 Mario Gomez is only 30. I genuinely thought he was at Euro 96 as understudy to Oliver Bierhoff.
 
2 The Northern Ireland anthem is God Save the Queen. I’m not the only person who didn’t know that, surely?
 
3 Ireland scored an own goal, and it did not come from John O’Shea.