I’ll get France v Belgium out of the way first. It was a good game for about an hour, then France just completely killed it. In the last 20 minutes or so I think the ball was in play for about a quarter of it. Belgium just couldn’t get any momentum as France went the full Mourinho.
It felt like Belgium went out with a bit of a whimper as they barely managed any kind of effort late on and there appeared to be little urgency in their play. That might be a bit unfair though as I think they just lost hope after France strangled the life out of them.
There isn’t one team in this competition I’ve been really impressed with but France have probably been the best so far on the basis that it feels like they’ve gotten to the final without really even breaking sweat. I might be wrong on that, but they just look like they’ve played within themselves so far because they haven't been really tested.
They haven’t really had to because no-one else is any good. It might have been different if Belgium had scored first and France would have had to step it up, but sadly that didn't happen.
This game was great until France scored. The first half was intriguing, both teams going for it and both keepers in great form. Hazard was fucking sensational but eventually France got hold of him and his influence waned.
Umtiti headed the only goal of the game from a corner. This entire World Cup has just been dominated by set-pieces, so much so that I’m starting to think Tony Pulis might be wasted in the Championship you know. Make yourself hard to beat and proficient at set-pieces and you’re making the quarters at least.
It’s been a good World Cup overall but there hasn't been a truly great team and no stand out player either. For all the talk about Mbappe and Griezeman there have been games where they’ve done very little, although Mbappe has been brilliant in spurts. He's a bad cheating bastard though.
The key to what France has done has been the defence and keeper. They’re tough to play against and when teams have created chances Lloris has made some great saves. He’s got a mistake in him, but he makes some unbelievable stops.
Varane has been imperious at the back too. I’d probably make him Player of the Tournament at this point but he won’t get it because he’s a centre half. Same reason Big Dejan will be overlooked. If France win, Mbappe should get it, if it's Croatia then give it to Modric.
Despite their relative cruise to the final, I don’t know if Deschamps is any good or not. He’s got a massively talented squad but do they match the sum of their parts? Doesn’t really matter I suppose, they’re in the final so he’s doing something right. Or at least he's not doing anything too shit.
He hasn’t aged well at all though. In fact, I’m struggling to think of too many players who have aged worse. He looks about 70. In fact, he looks like Mark Hughes’ dad.
Hazard said afterwards he’s rather lose playing like Belgium than win playing like France. Mate, you play for fucking Chelsea. There's no idealist moral highground to be had here. You’ve won shit with Mourinho and Conte and I didn’t see you handing back any medals. Saying that, he once went 12 months without scoring a league just to get rid of Mourinho so maybe he does actually mean what he says.
Onto the second semi now. Anyone know what the Croatian for “It’s coming home” is? Ok, ok, I'm sorry. I’m not actually here to take the piss. Some of you reading this will have been rooting for England and I respect that, I really do. I take no joy in your suffering. I take fucking plenty in the suffering of most non-LFC fans though. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I remember how bad it felt after Kiev and how everyone seemed to be laughing and taking the piss out of us. That’s fine, I don’t blame them for that as if it were any of our rivals I'd be the same. Fans of United, Everton, Chelsea, City, Spurs etc are entitled to revel in it as much as they like. Fair game.
Fans of Mansfield, Plymouth, Notts County and all these other irrelevant fucks though? We’ll never get the chance to take the piss out of the vast majority of those who revelled in Kiev because their shitty teams will never get within a million miles of such dizzy heights. They know that, that’s why they put so much stock into the fortunes of England. And that’s why I get some satisfaction from seeing them gutted.
That said, because I’ve got no emotional investment in the team other than to see the fans crying, I feel as though I can be fairly objective when it comes to assessing their performance.
Here’s the thing - and I’m puzzled as to how people who ought to know better are not seeing this - they’re really not that good. I’m not sure why so many don’t see that, but the fact is that they’d gotten this far because of a favourable draw and a proficiency with set-pieces. That’s indisputable. There is no denying that.
Hell, even their goal in this one was a set-piece. Nice skill from Trippier in getting it up and down over a massive wall, but I called that goal before he even started his run up as the keeper was way too far over the side of his goal. I saw it coming a mile off. It wasn't even in the corner, but it didn't need to be. Don't know what that keeper was thinking, although he redeemed himself later with a double save from Kane (which I'll get to in due course).
England don’t score from open play yet people are going on about the ‘giant strides’ they’ve taken. Two goals in open play in six games and both came against Panama. So in the other five games, no goals from anything other than set plays. “Giant strides” “Over achieved” “Restored a nation’s pride”. Are you fucking kidding me? "This team is different". Not from where I'm sitting.
They just about did what they were supposed to do, but no more than that. “Oh they reached the semi finals, what a success that was. I'm gonna go and buy me a waistcoat so I can be like Gareth”. Well yeah it was a success if you ignore everything that actually happened for them to get there. They could have reached the final and it would still have only been shooting level par based on the facts. They'll never, EVER, have a better chance of reaching a final, and they blew it. Yet some were wanting them to have a fucking parade??
Southgate dismissed that idea because a parade would have been in one city and they represent the whole nation. Admirable sentiments from a fella who really seems to get it, but the idea of a parade in the first place is so out of keeping with the situation. A parade for what? For beating Sweden?
In golfing terms they shot a level par round. They were in a group with Panama and Tunisia. Not getting out of that group would have been a national disgrace. They did finish behind Belgium though, which was to be expected as few would disagree that Belgium are a better side (even if they are coached by Martinez). Par.
Next up, Colombia minus their best player. Should England expect to beat Colombia? Some would say yes but I had that down as a 50-50 game (Colombia with “Hamez” would have had the edge for me) so for it end 1-1 and go to penalties makes it level par again. Doesn’t matter who wins on penalties as anything can happen there. You don’t get extra points for that. England went through, but again, no over-achievement here. Par.
Next, Sweden. Let me ask you a question; who is Sweden’s best player? Anyone know? Probably the lad from Leipzig, who’s a mid-table level Premier League player. Leicester would probably be his level. And he’s their best player. So, England should beat Sweden, right? They did, relatively comfortably in the end, although if Pickford doesn’t make those two great saves it’s a lot less comfortable. Par.
Then we come to Croatia. All things being equal they’re better than England but they were coming off two energy sapping games that went all the way to penalties. England had the lead, they had them on the ropes, but they couldn’t get over the line and the team that was supposed to be knackered looked the fresher and won it in extra time. Par (although you could easily argue it’s a bogey).
So, these giant strides? Not even sure they took baby steps to be honest, as the style of football was fucking rubbish outside of that opening half an hour against Tunisia. Think I’m wrong? Over the course of the tournament, not counting set-pieces, they had the same amount of shots on target as Saudi Arabia, despite playing three more games.
I’m sick of hearing about “Southgate’s young Lions” too. It’s laughable, reminds me of David O’Leary and “moy young lards” at Leeds. Anyone would think he’d taken his under 21 squad there rather than a group of lads playing regularly in the most competitive league in the world. The hyperbole and bullshit the English media have been spouting about the side is a joke and does them no favours.
The tournament started and there were no expectations beyond getting out of the group. A couple of wins over some slapdick teams and every fucker and his/her dog was saying “its coming home”. Because that’s all it took. After Panama people went fucking nuts.
It started as tongue in cheek and it was funny. Even I laughed at a lot of it. Some of the “It’s Coming Home” memes were fucking boss. I really enjoyed them, especially the Only Fools & Horses one and the Friends one. The Shawshank one was boss too. All that stuff was great, but then they actually started to believe it and knobheads started taking it too far. The funny memes were great, the thunderbores slipping "its coming home isn't it?" and "have you heard? "Heard what?" "It's coming home" into conversations all the time, not so much.
Roy Keane was spot on about the delusions of a lot of people in this country. His row with Ian Wright was hilarious, not least when Wright just resorted to taking the piss out of his accent and going “de foinal, de foinal”. Bet he apologised as soon as they went off air. Hope for his sake he did anyway. Great TV that though, they should have their own reality show. I'd defo watch it. I'd watch Roy Keane cooking or doing his garden though. He's compulsive viewing, the miserable, angry cunt.
All these banter merchants buzzing off Southgate and his waistcoat, singing about how “Southgate turns me on”. Cringe central. Even Gareth's wife wouldn’t say he turns her on. He’s a thoroughly good bloke though which is why I feel bad for him for how this will inevitably play out. Give them two years and they’ll want his head on a stick.
He’s flavour of the month now and he’s a genuinely decent fella with a lot of class and humility, but let’s be realistic here. he’s not actually that good a coach. The praise he’s had this tournament is drastically out of proportion with his actual achievements. His substitutions in games have been shite. It almost got them beat against Colombia and it did get them beat against Croatia.
As soon as these knobheads realise that, they’ll hound him out of the job. I can see the S*n front page now, with the caricature of him as a peanut with a massive nose and big teeth, and a cringey headline like "Gareth Shitgate".
I don't enjoy the suffering of every England fan, some of my mates were rooting for them and loads of other people I know were too. This doesn't reflect well on me but I just see them as collateral damage because I do enjoy the suffering of the millions of S*n readers, "Sign On" singing, Crusade costume wearing, German hating fucking knobs.
I took no pleasure in the suffering of the players either, except Kane. I felt quite sorry for the rest, even Lingard. Kane though? Fuck him. Fuck him in the ear. Fuck him in his other ear, the big chinned, arrogant, drooling twat.
How many chances was it we’re not allowed to give him again? Two or ten? Fucking knob is going to steal the Golden Boot based on penalties and a fluke. Take them away he’s scored the same as John Stones and one less than the Colombian centre half.
The best part of this is that it was his miss that was the turning point. He’s getting shit for not squaring to Sterling and the accusation is that he went on his own because he’s obsessed with winning the Golden Boot. Far be it for me to ever stick up for the big chinned slobbering goon, but the only number nine in the tournament who isn’t going for goal himself there is Bobby. And even he might have.
The problem wasn’t that he went for goal, it’s that he didn’t score. He should have, the corner was open for him but he put it too close to the keeper. The bigger problem was he missed the rebound. He took too long to get his shot away and the keeper deflected it onto the post. Shocking miss that, he should be getting a lot more flak for it than he is. I mean look at it....
It's one of the worst misses of all time, yet he's somehow avoiding ridicule for it.
You know is getting stick though? Hendo. I haven’t seen any disparaging compilation videos of any other player’s performance, just Hendo's with a sarcastic 'regista' comment. There’s probably one for Sterling too actually as he’s the perennial scapegoat. Hendo had been getting loads of praise while they were getting results but as soon it goes wrong he’s the fucking fall guy. He should be used to that though, it’s the same for him at club level.
He’s getting shit for hitting loads of aimless long balls and for not passing it short and keeping possession. What do these fucking morons think? That he just shat himself and started launching it because of the pressure? Fuck off. If he's smacking it long every time he gets it it's because that's what he's been told to do. Knock it over the top to turn them around and use Sterling's pace against Croatia’s high line.
It didn’t work and Henderson had a poor game, but these fucking dickheads who follow Barnsley, Walsall, Peterborough and Everton can fuck right off passing judgement on our captain.
So to wrap this thing up, we’re down to two and it’s hard to see past France winning it. Croatia have balls like grapefruits and I’d love to see them do it, but fatigue has to be a factor now surely? And the thing with France is that they’ve not really been very good but they’ve always had enough. It feels like they’ve got another gear or two they can go up if they need to, and it’s going to be really hard for Croatia.
I don’t think Croatia have played that well for the most part but they’ve dug deep and I admire how they were able to come back against England. My boy Perisic was phenomenal, Modric is just a joy to watch (unbelievable stamina to match his skill) and big Dejan was boss once he stopped trying to fight everyone.
In that first half he was kicking the Spurs players every chance he got and he kept hurling abuse at Alli. He shoved Lingard as well and looked as though he wanted to take on the world. Once Croatia settled down and started to play, he was fucking immense. The tackle he made to prevent Kane tapping in a cross was as good a piece of defending as we've seen in the tournament.
Imagine Lovren swaggering into Melwood in a few weeks, dick swingin', with a WC winners medal around his neck? He’d be like Kurt Angle with his Olympic Gold, wearing it constantly. When we play at Spurs in their White Hart Lane grand re-opening, I want Lovren to take to the field wearing his medal just to rub Kane’s stupid face in it.
Go ed Dejan, make us proud!
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