"Gotchya!" (well most of you anyway). That's what GH must be thinking today, as he looks back on yesterday's "gutsy" performance at St James' Park. The players have often (and quite rightly) come in for ridicule this season. Riise, Dudek, Heskey, Hyppia have all felt the brunt of supporters' frustrations.
But reflecting on yesterday's shitehouse tactics, only one man can be deemed culpable. You get in the ground, having finally climbed that 14 flights of stairs (amazing the spec £28 will get you these days – one of the goals was a taxi journey away). You hear the teams and think, "Not bad this, looks like we'll be having a go at least". Then 10 seconds after kick-off, you realise "Oh shit, we're going with one up front."
There's a saying in French – "l'histoire ne se répète pas, elle se bégaye". It means "history doesn't repeat itself, it stammers". I thought we had seen the back of this with the end of last season. I thought the Boro's away (version 2002-03) had been consigned to history. I thought the folly of H***** on the wing (he SHOULD be good there – he has, after all, got TWO left feet) had been acknowledged and corrected. But I also thought "a leopard doesn't change its spots" – and so it has proved.
Little over a month ago, Gérard was making noises about winning 20 games and having a chance in the Title-hunt (no, seriously). Then our "unreasonable expectations" were used as a pretext for saying Fourth would be a successful season. And our main challengers for Fourth will be Newcastle. So it would be an idea to, ya know, win up there, right? Well, no actually.
Because I'm Gérard Houllier and I do what I like. I try to be smarter than you all and actually end up making a tit out of myself. And when I get a second chance by going a goal up, I'll blow that too. But we’re making "good progress" and we have a "vision" so it's okay.
The game? First minute set the tone. Kick-off. Get it to Riise. Hoof it. To Pongolle. All 5 feet 6 of him. On his own. Up front. Against two centre backs. "Attacking football" at its most direct. It continued like this. Sure, it got us a goal – but only after a calamitous error at the back for Newcastle.
Well done to Danny – he took it very well. Initiative Liverpool? Sorry, I meant, "Initiative? Liverpool?". Not on your life. We failed to create a single chance in the rest of the first half. Newcastle had come close early on through a Shearer header that went over, but apart from that, they didn't cause too much trouble.
Kirkland did do very well to block at the feet of Ameobi. In fact, Kirkland was outstanding throughout. Not just the saves he made, but also his handling and decisiveness from crosses. I thought a few weeks ago that his time had come and it surely has now, given the latest news on Jerzy.
Anyway, the first half passed off without too much incident of note. We were happy to hoof it up to FSP (who tried valiantly), but was as isolated as the away section. Even if he had managed to control it, he would have been waiting for any support to come his way.
Diouf and H***** were playing in withdrawn roles, Stevie and Danny sat in the middle for the large part and Didi (excellent again) was on top of our two centre-halves. We coped relatively well at the back as Newcastle came at us with a bit of fire, but I would have expected us to cope well, given the number of men we had behind the ball!
At the beginning of the second half, Gérard – to general disbelief around me – took off FSP and brought on Vladi. To play up front. On his own. Away to Newcastle. Against two big centre backs. Tactical genius my arse. One long-time Red said after the match that it was "the decision of a fucking pleb". There were five of us around the table and none of us disagreed.
If you're going to bring Vladi on for FSP , then surely the right thing to do is to put him out on the left and stick E**** up front (although this overlooks many people's preference for two up front). Ok, he doesn't do much up there, but at least he might run around a bit and give the Newcastle defence a bit of trouble. Some physical presence at least. Not Vladimir. Stop inflicting this on us Gérard. We're sick of the excuses, the results, the performances – but at least give us some chance.
We've betrayed Phil Aspinall for long enough: "A team that plays the Liverpool Way / And wins the Championship in May" indeed. We knew the second part of that was never going to happen this season. But we hoped – in some small way – the Liverpool Way could be clung on to. Hope no longer.
Yesterday, I witnessed one of the saddest sights I've seen in a long time of watching Liverpool. It happened when Vladi had managed to get one-on-one with Given, before shooting wide with the outside of his right foot. As he approached from the right-hand side, I looked back up the pitch to see who was rushing in to the box in support of him – a simple pull back would have meant a certain goal. I saw Danny Murphy. On the edge of the centre circle. 40 yards behind the play. And still the nearest Liverpool player to the goal. Depressing.
E**** H***** stayed in his own half for fully 15 minutes at one point yesterday. I kid you not. He stood ten yards in front of Riise. An £11m striker – bought by Gérard and this is what he’s reduced to? This is what we're reduced to? Diouf doing a similar job on the other side. This, remember is Anelka's replacement "You won't be disappointed, I assure you". And people wonder why some of us believe nothing he says any more.
Newcastle piled on the pressure and it led to the equaliser after Kirky had brought down Robert. Shearer stuck it away well, giving him no chance. They had a few shots cleared off the line and Kirky saved well from Shearer near the end. The only other action of note in the second half had been an FSP shot after being put through by H***** which was well-saved, as well as a follow-up volley by Stevie G. Didi also had a good effort well stopped by Given.
At the end of the day, I can't fault the players. Semmy (you think I can spell his real name?) did very well – which begs another question. Why wait until now? In one of the many conversations held after the game, people bemoaned our lack of finances as the reason we can't compete. If this ever happens you, just answer back: McManaman, Fowler, Gerrard, Owen, Carragher.
Forget big money. Don't buy in to this "chequebook football" rubbish. Forget giving this manager more money to waste. Another of the arguments is we need top-class players. Who'll join us? After watching that shit? Do you think Owen will sign a new contract? Honestly?
Injuries are going to be trotted out this week. "We battled" will be the buzz line. Big deal. I'm not having a go at the players – many of them were very good against Newcastle. I'm having a go at Gérard. He's bumbling.
He is not seeing the same as us. How can we all sit around after the game and see the same things? How can we all agree on the need to stick two up front and get at them? How do you all of us KNOW that Vladi will never ever be a lone srtiker? How can all of us see that and yet the one man whose opinion matters be blind to it?
St James' has become as sanitised as Anfield. Football grounds are non-standing, non-singing zones these days. Barely able to raise a murmur. They've also settled for Fourth – the front of 'The Mag' – a Newcastle fanzine has "Let the battle for fourth begin". The away end tried to breathe some life in to things, but never really got going.
Someone tried to start "Oh come all ye Faithful", but its failure to get going may be testament to embarrassment at singing "Kings of Europe". The "Dalglish" chant always brings a smile – ostensibly directed at Newcastle fans, but some of us actually WISHING for it. Good that Gérard’s not paranoid eh…?
All in all, a return back to the bad old days of last season. After the match was the best – singing songs about Barney Rubble and Terry Mac. Having a laugh with the Geordies (great people). That's what away days are about now. The match under Gérard has become, as one of my mates said "like going to the dentist's, only more painful".
Houllierism is a dying religion – even many believers are reaching breaking-point. Based on Saturday's evidence, that’s going to come very soon.
Star man to Kirky, with mentions to Semmy, Didi and Stevie too (though cut the tackles out lad - it's going to cost you seriously soon if not).
Liverpool: Chris Kirkland; Jon Otsemobor, Igor Biscan, Sami Hyypia, John Arne Riise; El Hadji Diouf , Stevie Gerrard, Didi Hamann, Danny Murphy, E**** H*****: Florent Sinama-Pongolle (Vladimir Smicer):
