Tony Moanero

The Crystal Maze. I think it’s new. The baldy fella from the Rocky Horror Show presents it.

Fuck me, that was close. I thought he was going to get locked in.

Not for me. Delgado is number one, and I’d have Anthony Ainley ahead of a John Simm.

In no particular order: Professor Marcus (Alec Guinness, The Ladykillers) Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) Tom Ripley (Patricia Highsmith’s Ripley novels) Grand High Witch (Anjelica Huston) Skeletor (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) The Master (Roger Delgado, Doctor Who) Mr. Blue (Robert Shaw, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three) The Joker (Cesar Romero, Batman) Fagin (Ron Moody, Oliver!) Ellen Berent Harland (Gene Tierney, Leave Her to Heaven)

The standout candidate (Alonso) doesn’t want the job.

I check the Size? and Offspring sites, on a daily basis, for new trainees, but haven’t bought a new pair so far this decade.

Which ones? The new Scotland home kit is awful.

Hair looks far cooler than a bald head though, and almost all clothes look better with hair.

Chicken Kiev?

What was in them?

Donald Fisher > Matt Le Tissier

You don’t half talk some utter bollocks, Bumcunt.

Fuck Arsenal. They’ve thrown lots of money at it too. Anyway, I couldn’t care less about the media. I avoid all coverage of football.

Need to pull out all the stops, now, Suzy. Have you got a lucky pizza you can throw in the oven?

Nah, Albert Steptoe.