Lord Christ
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Ah, never fear my son I am always with you. Yes even when you watch your chubby over 60s porn I am there. Unfortunately. I am going to arrange for RP and NV to meet up and fall in love. It will be like Sleepless in Seattle only a bit more gay and hairy. Failing that I might cast them into the great fiery pit of Pestilence and Incest known as Goodison Park. The cunts.
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AH, NEVER FEAR I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU MY SON. I WOULD HOWEVER LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I AM YOUR LORD AND YOU BETTER FUCKING WORSHIP ME. AFTER THAT INCIDENT WITH THE ANAL BEADS YOU HAVE A LOT OF REPENTING TO DO. I CAN ALSO CONFIRM THAT BJORNEBYE IS INDEED A CUNT. SO IT IS WRITTEN SO IT SHALL BE.
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AH, THAT IS VERY KIND OF YOU MY SON. I WOULD LIKE TO WISH EVERYONE EXCEPT BJORNEBYE WELL. HAVE A GREAT TIME CELEBRATING MY BIRTH. I HAVE A LOT TO DO TODAY ORGANISING MY BIRTHDAY BASH. STRIPPERS, WHISKEY AND A NICE BIT OF MANNA FOR AFTERS. URIEL WAS MEANT TO BE SORTING IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ARCHANGELS ARE LIKE...
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AH, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF PERPEPTUATED BY THAT LIAR DANTE ALIGHIERI THERE ARE IN FACT TEN CIRCLES OF HELL SURROUNDING SATAN. THE TENTH IS RESERVED FOR PEDANTS AND YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY THERE WITH MY SANDALS STUCK UP YOUR ARSE. YOU CUNT. FYI, THE 'H' RATHER IRONICALLY STANDS FOR HADEHARIA. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO HELP MYSELF.
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AH, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE MY SON. AND NO OFFENCE BUT MAYBE YOU COULD ADDRESS ME AS LORD CHRIST UNTIL YOU KNOW ME A BIT BETTER? JESUS IS A BIT FORMAL.
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AH, SO YOU ARE BACK DURANGO? LISTEN, MY FATHER DID NOT LET YOU LIVE TO THE AGE OF 107 SO YOU COULD BLATHER YOUR SENILE BALONEY ON THIS MOST VENERABLE OF FORUMS. IN FACT, WHY ARE YOU STILL UP PAST 7 AT NIGHT? DOES YOUR NURSING HOME KNOW ABOUT THIS? OF COURSE I AM OMNIPOTENT SO I KNOW THEY DON'T REALISE YOU HAVE SNUCK INTO THE COMMUNITY ROOM IN YOUR UNDIES AND TUCKED YOUR COLOSTOMY BAG BETWEEN YOUR MOOBS TO LOG ON. BE A GOOD MAN AND GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM WHERE CARLOS IS WAITING TO GIVE YOU YOUR SPONGE BATH.
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AH, I CAN TELL YOU A SECRET ABOUT LITTLE DICKIE. HE IS GOING DOWN BELOW WHEN HIS TIME COMES. I CAN ONLY HINT AT THE REASONS, BUT IF YOU PUT ' GOING DOWN BELOW ' TOGETHER WITH THE WORD ' DICK ' IN HIS NAME YOU GET THE PICTURE. ANYWAY GOT TO DASH, SOMEONE IN THE OZARKS IS SAYING THEY HAVE FOUND AN IMAGE OF ME ON A PARSNIP SO I'M GOING TO HAVE A GANDER. TOODLE PIP GUYS.
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AH, YOU FUCKING HUMANS. ALWAYS AFTER SOMEONE ELSE TO CLEAR YOUR MESS UP. RIGHT, SD CLEARLY DOES NOT ADVOCATE OR APPORTION BLAME ON WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED. HE ALSO WORDED HIS INITIAL COMMENT CLUMISLY AND ALL THIS HOO-HA COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED EASILY IF HE RE-PHRASED IT. YOU ARE ALL MONGS FOR WASTING YOUR TIME ARGUING OVER IT, SAY 5 HAIL MARYS AND DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOUR NEIGHBOUR OR SOMETHING. OR DON'T I'M NOT ARSED. MELONS, THERE IS A PLACE IN HEAVEN RESERVED FOR YOU, DON'T WORRY I'VE HAD A WORD. SD, GOD DOES NOT SMITE PEOPLE. HE LEAVES THAT TO MY BROTHER URIEL NOWADAYS, I'LL PUT IN A WORD FOR YOU. NOW CARRY ON, AND IF YOU WANT TO PLEASE YOUR LORD SOME PICS OF SLUTTY SOAP STARS WILL HELP.
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AH, YOU CALLED CD? I'M FUCKED IF I KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF ALL THIS. MY LAST BIRD TURNED OUT TO BE A PROSTITUTE SO I DON'T THINK I'M QUALIFIED TO COMMENT!
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AH, SO WE ARE MAKING SOME PROGRESS. SO FAR WE HAVE THE FOLLOWING ON BOARD : 1 REDDER LURTZ 2 FUGITIVE 3 MELONS - FOR THE MUSCLE 4 MONTY - TOKEN GINGER 5 ALAN SEX - EVEN IMMORTAL BADASSES LIKE ME HAVE NEEDS DAVELFC - I DO NEED A PERSON WHO IS FUNNY AND HUMOUROUS AND CAN TELL A GOOD STORY. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU DON'T MEET THIS CRITERIA. SORRY.
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AH, ARE YOU ON THE BLOB AGAIN? POOR DEAR. YOU CAN BE IN THE GANG IF YOU WANT, I COULD USE THE MUSCLE. AT YOUR AGE STRINGVEST I'D START WORRYING ABOUT WHETHER YOU ARE GOING UPSTAIRS OR DOWNSTAIRS WHEN YOUR TIME COMES. NOT LONG LEFT TO MAKE A FAVOURABLE IMPRESSION ON ME.
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AH, LISTEN I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST GAY PEOPLE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THESE BLOODY CATHOLICS ARE LIKE. I WILL REGRETFULLY HAVE TO DECLINE YOUR VERY KIND OFFER. RIGHT YOU TWO ARE IN. TEN MORE NEEDED.
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AH, SO I FIND THAT I HAVE AN OPENING FOR 12 DISCIPLES, ER EMPLOYEES I MEAN. REALLY EASY GIG, I SHALL RUN THROUGH THE PROS AND CONS FOR YOU. PROS - YOUR LEADER, WHICH WOULD BE ME, HAS GOT A KICKASS BEARD AND REALLY COOL SANDALS. - I CAN SHOW YOU HOW TO TURN WATER INTO WINE. FREE BOOZE MAKES YOU MORE POPULAR I FIND. - I CAN TURN THE WRATH OF GOD ON YOUR ENEMIES WHICH IS RATHER NEAT. - I CAN GET YOU A FREE TICKET TO THE STONE ROSES CONCERT IN MANCHESTER. GETTING THEM FROM TICKETMASTER IS NO PROBLEM FOR A GUY LIKE ME. CONS - I WILL REQUIRE YOU TO DEFEND MY HONOUR, UP TO AND INCLUDING, ACCEPTING TORTURE/A DEATH SENTENCE FOR ME. - I CAN'T ACTUALLY PAY YOU SEEING AS I AM NOT HUMAN AND HAVEN'T GOT A BANK ACCOUNT OR NATIONAL INSURANCE NUMBER. FUCKING DISCRIMINATING BANKERS AND TORIES. - YOU WILL HAVE TO TRY AND BE NICE TO FORUM HALF-WITS LIKE JON SNOW. OF COURSE IF YOU CAN'T THEN I WILL FORGIVE YOU OBVS. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED LET ME KNOW WHY YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE GOOD FOR THE ROLE. IMPRESS ME. BEAMS BEATIFICALLY AT EVERYONE.
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AH, I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU HE WHO IS NAMED AFTER A FALSE GOD. I HAVE JUST HAD A WORD WITH THE MAN UPSTAIRS AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT HE HAS NOT, I REPEAT NOT, GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS OFFER. MR. EHAB ELBALAWI IS TRYING TO CON YOU IT SEEMS AND IS IN FACT, NOT DYING OF CANCER. HE WILL HOWEVER DIE VERY SHORTLY WHEN I SMITE HIM FOR LYING WHICH IS EITHER A SIN OR A BREACH OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. POSSIBLY IT IS BOTH. DON'T WORRY I WILL CHECK BEFORE I PAY HIM A VISIT.
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Can Everybody Rep The fuck Out Of Champ For Me?
Lord Christ replied to brucespanner's topic in GF - General Forum
AH, I FORGIVE YOU BRUCE. BEING A MANC IS A BIG ENOUGH BURDEN TO CARRY WITHOUT ME GETTING ON YOUR CASE. I SHALL LET YOU IN ON A SECRET. AS YOU MAY BE AWARE ACCORDING TO DENNIS WHEATLEY, CROWLEY ATTEMPTED TO SUMMON THE GREAT GOD PAN TO HIS APARTMENT IN PARIS. IT IS ALLEGED HE SUCCEEDED AND THE SIGHT KILLED HIS ACOLYTE OUTRIGHT AND SENT CROWLEY INTO A STATE OF DELIRIUM FOR 4 MONTHS. OF COURSE PAN DOESN'T EXIST, THERE ONLY BEING THE ONE LORD SO I SLIPPED A GOAT MASK ON AND JUMPED OUT ON HIM SHOUTING ' AARRGGHHHHHHH '. ONLY AS A JOKE YOU UNDERSTAND. I DIDN'T MEAN THEM NO HARM. I FELT TERRIBLE FOR WEEKS AFTERWARDS. AH WELL WE ALL LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.- 44 replies
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