The world of a woman.

[Bobby Hundreds]

My missus returned from 4 days away in the middle of the night and thought it would be clever to sneak in and wake me up with a kiss, she was upset that I woke up screamed and judo chopped her in the side of the head.

[Creator Supreme]

1 hour ago, Bobby Hundreds said:

My missus returned from 4 days away in the middle of the night and thought it would be clever to sneak in and wake me up with a kiss, she was upset that I woke up screamed and judo chopped her in the side of the head.

She's lucky you aren't Corporal Jones, otherwise she would have got the old cold steel.

[tokyojoe]

I remember when I was with my ex in bed. I'd was asleep, dreaming and I'd been playing the unmentionable earlier.

 

My dream came to head and I swung over and she got hit by a spectacular right foot volley.

 

No wonder we got divorced.

[Bjornebye]

1 hour ago, tokyojoe said:

I remember when I was with my ex in bed. I'd was asleep, dreaming and I'd been playing the unmentionable earlier.

 

My dream came to head and I swung over and she got hit by a spectacular right foot volley.

 

No wonder we got divorced.

 

Your ex was a fence?

 

Now it all makes sense !!!!! 

[tokyojoe]

1 hour ago, Bjornebye said:

 

Your ex was a fence?

 

Now it all makes sense !!!!! 

I give up.

[Bjornebye]

2 minutes ago, tokyojoe said:

I give up.

 

hahahahahaha don't you dare D

[Harry Squatter]

On 02/12/2022 at 00:55, lifetime fan said:

We’ve been having this exact conversation over and over again for weeks…

 

Me: Have you cancelled the insurance on the Mondeo babe? 

Her: No, but I will. 

Me: Ok babe but you’ve been saying that for 3 weeks. 

Her: I’ve been busy! 

Me: I know you have babe but please can you make sure you do it. 

Her: Of course I’ll do it. Like I do everything else around here! 

Today. 

Me: Babe, did you cancel the Mondeo insurance because I’ve just been charged for another month? 

Her: I was going to but I forgot and ran out of time. 

Me: Ok, don’t worry about it. 

Her: Why are you being a prick? I assume you reckon it’s somehow my fault!

If this situation was reversed she would go mad and never shut up about it. Probably not buy you a Christmas present just to prove a point.

 

One fella in work was in the office during the train strike. Insisted to his Mrs  that he would get the buss home. She of course knew better and came into town to pick him up despite repeatedly telling her not to. 

 

It took them an hour and a half to get home due to the traffic and she moaned non stop. Also that she was late going out and had no time to do her hair properly. This was all his fault.

[Stouffer]

I'm sure I've posted this before but Mrs. S' really believed that "Angels with dirty souls" from Home Alone was a real film.

[Bjornebye]

This is happening, live. She's walking round the house counting to herself because she did a Crosby Beach walk with the family this morning but didn't get to 10'000 steps and it's raining out so she can't go for a walk. 

 

Absolute head the balls. 

[Furmedge]

Reserved a new build before Christmas and told her we need to tighten our belts for the next few months to get used to the new mortgage so it doesn't hit us when we actually move. On top of that whatever we can save between now and the moving date I'm happy to spend on finishing touches, furniture etc. She's well on board, so as of today, new year, new me and all that shite we're saving every penny we can and not splurging out on shit we don't need so we can spend it on the things we want when we move.

 

So far today she's spent £60 on a three day juice cleanse, £20 on a book to make a note of the money she's spending/saving and £60 on a jacket she can go walking in to be more healthy. 

[littletedwest]

Went to asda last night after walking the dog. She popped in for two tins of custard while I waited with the dog. Took her half an hour. Told her she'd been that long dog had forgotten who she was .

[Bjornebye]

56 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

Went to asda last night after walking the dog. She popped in for two tins of custard while I waited with the dog. Took her half an hour. Told her she'd been that long dog had forgotten who she was .

 

When you said last night she'd had a few tins I thought you meant Tennents Super not fucking custard. She was probably sat off in the cereal aisle with a load of spinsters laughing about how men are fucking idiots. "He'll have the Sopranos on later and I'll be in bed getting a minutes peace from the cunt" 

[Section_31]

On 27/11/2022 at 19:43, Section_31 said:

Dunno if it's a woman thing but my Mrs has got the worst spatial awareness I've ever seen. 

 

If we're in town shopping or somewhere and it's crowded, I'll be able to clock the movement of the crowd and avoid people, I'll speed up or slow down or whatever, but she'll just meander right through them. You see people stopping in their tracks and looking as if to say "what the fuck?". 

 

At the airport on Christmas eve walking down the stairs with people behind us and she literally just stopped to check how many points she had on her Boots app. I had to say "there's people behind you.". Astonishing scenes.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Over the 11+ years I've been with MrsD, she's always had a tense relationship with her sister in law who can be a tit. Shes the master of unsolicited, backhanded insult advice, especially around parenting.  I actively avoid parenting conversations with her because it always ends up with MrsD or me fuming and having to bite our tongues. 

 

EVERY FUCKING TIME MrsD ends up having a chat about it though. Every fucking time. Then she moans about how sister in law should've kept her nose out etc 

 

Do. Not. Engage. 

 

[Section_31]

How come they often believe in mumbo jumbo? I've never met a bloke who's been to a fortune teller but have never met a woman who hasn't.

 

Mrs got chatting to some of the women in work today about spooky shit and they all attempted to out spectral each other. One of them reckons her house is haunted (it's a new build, who's haunting it the fucking Redrow rep?), while another claims her kid has full blown conversations with his dead grandad. I'd be on the blower to childline myself.

 

They're such creatures of contradictions. They think it's daft that a bloke would watch Star Wars or own a PlayStation, but have no problem telling a roomful of adults that the charge of the light brigade regularly pitch up at their flat to take a shit.

[Bjornebye]

10 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

How come they often believe in mumbo jumbo? I've never met a bloke who's been to a fortune teller but have never met a woman who hasn't.

 

Mrs got chatting to some of the women in work today about spooky shit and they all attempted to out spectral each other. One of them reckons her house is haunted (it's a new build, who's haunting it the fucking Redrow rep?), while another claims her kid has full blown conversations with his dead grandad. I'd be on the blower to childline myself.

 

They're such creatures of contradictions. They think it's daft that a bloke would watch Star Wars or own a PlayStation, but have no problem telling a roomful of adults that the charge of the light brigade regularly pitch up at their flat to take a shit.

 

Hahahahaha I've just read that out to her, pissing ourselves. Any minute now I'll get something out of her. 

[sir roger]

56 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

Mrs got chatting to some of the women in work today about spooky shit and they all attempted to out spectral each other. One of them reckons her house is haunted (it's a new build, who's haunting it the fucking Redrow rep?), while another claims her kid has full blown conversations with his dead grandad. I'd be on the blower to childline mys3lf

 

When he was about 12 the nephew told my sister that our dead mum came to talk to him most nights. My sister shit herself and said 'Aren't you scared, son ?' He looked at her like she was crackers and said ' It's my nan whats she gonna do to me ? '

 

Makes sense I suppose.

[lifetime fan]

She’s started watching TikTok videos of poor bastards with obscene acne and mainly black guys with horrendous ingrowing beard hairs and some ‘doctor’ popping them, pulling them out with tweezers. 
 

Every night we go to bed she insists on searching my entire body for as much as a tiny white head to pop. 
 

The fact I’m 43 so don’t get acne and can’t grow a fucking beard is completely lost on her. 

[lifetime fan]

Fucking weirdo. 

[Fugitive]

3 hours ago, Section_31 said:

How come they often believe in mumbo jumbo? I've never met a bloke who's been to a fortune teller but have never met a woman who hasn't.

 

Mrs got chatting to some of the women in work today about spooky shit and they all attempted to out spectral each other. One of them reckons her house is haunted (it's a new build, who's haunting it the fucking Redrow rep?), while another claims her kid has full blown conversations with his dead grandad. I'd be on the blower to childline myself.

 

They're such creatures of contradictions. They think it's daft that a bloke would watch Star Wars or own a PlayStation, but have no problem telling a roomful of adults that the charge of the light brigade regularly pitch up at their flat to take a shit.

Here is a new one they are into… Manifestation boards. Apparently if you cut shit out magazines and glue it on a bit of cardboard, all your dreams will come true if you will it enough.

 

Someone I know has made a business out of this shite. She is making good money as well. They are all fucking mental.

 

[Trumo]

8 hours ago, lifetime fan said:

She’s started watching TikTok videos of poor bastards with obscene acne and mainly black guys with horrendous ingrowing beard hairs and some ‘doctor’ popping them, pulling them out with tweezers. 
 

Every night we go to bed she insists on searching my entire body for as much as a tiny white head to pop. 
 

The fact I’m 43 so don’t get acne and can’t grow a fucking beard is completely lost on her. 

 

Buy her a roll of bubble wrap.

[Section_31]

8 hours ago, Fugitive said:

Here is a new one they are into… Manifestation boards. Apparently if you cut shit out magazines and glue it on a bit of cardboard, all your dreams will come true if you will it enough.

 

Someone I know has made a business out of this shite. She is making good money as well. They are all fucking mental.

 

 

Think I said this before but when a young lad fancies a famous woman it basically amounts to saying "I'd shag her" when she comes on telly. That's about as far as it goes.

 

When a young girl fancies a famous bloke they go to see him in concert or on stage of whatever, even if they don't like the music, cry, have a panic attack, and genuinely believe that one day they will get married.

[Mudface]

9 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

 

Think I said this before but when a young lad fancies a famous woman it basically amounts to saying "I'd shag her" when she comes on telly. That's about as far as it goes.

 

The more dedicated will Google, "'Bird's Name' nude". Or so I'm told. Ahem.

[tokyojoe]

18 hours ago, lifetime fan said:

She’s started watching TikTok videos of poor bastards with obscene acne and mainly black guys with horrendous ingrowing beard hairs and some ‘doctor’ popping them, pulling them out with tweezers. 
 

Every night we go to bed she insists on searching my entire body for as much as a tiny white head to pop. 
 

The fact I’m 43 so don’t get acne and can’t grow a fucking beard is completely lost on her. 

Her Indoors watches that. I call it 'the pus programme.

[Bjornebye]

18 hours ago, Fugitive said:

Here is a new one they are into… Manifestation boards. Apparently if you cut shit out magazines and glue it on a bit of cardboard, all your dreams will come true if you will it enough.

 

Someone I know has made a business out of this shite. She is making good money as well. They are all fucking mental.

 

 

Funny how their instagram stories about "manifesting" with a picture of them holding up a book with a candle in the background are always early to mid-week. Never on a Saturday while they're out shoving shit up their snouts and getting fingered by a stoned ket-wig by 2am. As if they ever read the fucking book, they buy them just for instagram so they can appear to be spiritual and sensible. Fucking beauts.