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World Cup Round Up - Quarter Finals

Can we just go back to the group stages, because this tournament has gone to shit since the knock out started. All the exciting teams and underdogs are going out and the dull ones keep boring their way through. Germany are the most exciting side left, which says more about the rest than anything else as the Germans haven’t really pulled up any trees since their opening game.

 

To be fair they didn’t need to do much to see off the disappointing French. The once again useless Benzema tamely shot wide after a few minutes, the big dope. Cost me a hundred quid that did as my bookies pay double odds for any goal inside the opening 20 minutes. He’s not going the right way about winning me over, that’s for sure. He was garbage once more. I don’t care if he scores 100 goals for Madrid next season, my mind is made up; he’s in the box marked ‘overhyped shite’ with Zlatan, Hulk, Cavani, Dani Alves & co

 

Hummels headed the Germans into an early lead and that was all she wrote. They didn’t look like adding to it and France looked even less like cancelling it out, the spineless fannies. Look at how the USA went out, throwing the kitchen sink at Belgium and giving them the fright of their lives. They left everything on the field. Same with Algeria. Then look at what the French did. Scandalously meek. Losing to Germany is acceptable. Not making them work for it is not.

 

It was so disappointing that game, on paper it looked like it could have been a cracker but I actually fell asleep for ten minutes just before half time. Maybe it was the heat that effected the players, as the afternoon games have not been played at anything like the same tempo as the later kick offs.

 

Brazil against Colombia that night being a case in point. The first half of that game was played at break neck speed, Colombia left themselves wide open and Brazil should have been out of sight by the break. If Hulk wasn’t so laughably shit they would have been. Hulk get ball. Hulk shoot. Hulk miss. He’s Djibril Cisse on steroids.

 

Brazil scored twice from set-pieces, which is basically the only way they were ever gonna score as from open play they did fuck all yet again. Fred is so bad I’m genuinely starting to wonder what he’s got on ‘Big Phil’. All piss taking aside there is no possible justification for selecting him, he touches the ball about five times a game and gives it away cheaply on four of them. Brazil must have at least a dozen better centre forwards than him. If he was in the Premier League, who would he be playing for. What’s his level? I’m gonna say West Brom is the best he could do.

 

Brazil were there for the taking but Colombia looked nervous. They took an age to settle and the flow of the game wasn’t helped by a ref who was blowing for free-kicks at almost a one a minute ratio but strangely wasn’t producing any cards.

 

The Brazilians kicked the shit out of James Rodriguez but the first time he committed a foul himself he was booked. The ref was absolutely terrible. The Colombians pulled one back from the spot but couldn’t find an equaliser. The two best teams to watch in the competition have been Chile and Colombia, and both have been undeservedly knocked out by these frauds claiming to be a Brazil side.

 

Afterwards Sideshow Bob and Alves were both consoling Rodriguez and telling the fans to applaud him. “What a classy gesture” people said. Luiz maybe, but Alves was probably tapping him up for Barca, that’s how they roll at Camp Nou. “More than a club” though you know.

 

Neymar’s World Cup is over after he got drilled in the back by a cowardly challenge from Zuniga. He’s got a broken bone in his back, but it could have been worse, Zuniga could have bitten him, so at least there’s that. The funny thing is most people probably figured there was nothing wrong with Neymar and there was an element of ‘Boy who cried wolf’ about it all, as he loves a good roll around doesn’t he?

 

The Brazilian president wrote him an embarrassing letter saying how his injury has broken her heart and then calling him a ‘warrior’. Kinell, Neymar is as much a warrior as Wayne Rooney is a rocket scientist. Javier Mascherano is a warrior. Nigel De Jong is a warrior. Mario Yepes is a warrior. Neymar is a wet fart.

 

Bollocks to all that though, I’ll have forgotten about all of the above within a fortnight. There’s only one thing that will stay with me from this game, it’s been haunting me ever since it happened and I can’t really understand why more hasn’t been made of it. I’m talking about “The grasshopper”. What the fuck was that all about?

 

Firstly, that ain’t no grasshopper. I’ve seen grasshoppers, they’re about a tenth of the size of that bastard. That thing was an extra from ‘Starship Troopers’. And how did it end up there, inside a massive fucking football stadium? It sure as hell didn’t ‘hop’, so it must have flew. That disturbs me greatly, the thought of something like that flying around in populated areas?

 

The most distressing thing is that no-one even seemed remotely arsed about it, which tells me that it must be a fairly common occurrence in South America. Rodriguez was so nonchalant he even kissed a tattoo on his arm, a few inches away from that beast. I sure as hell won’t ever be going there if this is the kind of thing I’d have to deal with. Were all the European players warned about this kind of shit before they went there? No wonder South American players are so keen to get the hell out and come and play in Europe.

 

If that thing had landed on me I’d have screamed so loud I’d have drowned out the noise of the 80,000 fans in that stadium and I’d have been running around like I’d been set on fire, trying to get the fucker off me. And does no-one else think it’s a bit odd that out of all the people in that stadium it could have landed on, it went for the best player in the tournament and a lad who had just scored seconds earlier? That sneaky green bastard wanted to be on the telly, it’s the only explanation. Which raises a whole other issue about these things being super intelligent. Seriously, I’m completely freaked out by it, and almost as freaked out by the fact that no-one else seems to be freaked out.

 

The only thing that even comes close to that level of sheer horror is that little ponytail thing that Argentine striker Rodrigo Palacio is sporting. Why lad? Just why?

 

Speaking of Argentina, their game with Belgium was crap wasn’t it? An early goal for the Argies was just about the worst thing that could happen from an entertainment standpoint. Higuain’s snapshot gave Argentina something to defend and Belgium haven’t looked good going forward all tournament.

 

Argentina were far too streetwise for the Belgians though, buying cheap free-kicks and taking the pace out of the game with their time wasting. It made for a terrible spectacle. By the end Belgium had gone full on alehouse, launching balls up to Fellaini, Lukaku and makeshift striker Van Buyten. It was easy for Argentina but Lukaku still had a great chance with seconds to go but fucked it up, the Chelsea twat.

 

How bad is Fellaini though? I mean we all knew he was crap, but seeing him competing at this level just highlights it further. He’s woeful, all he does is concede free-kicks all the time. Is there a worse player in the tournament? Maybe, but he stands out more than anyone because of his stupid hair.

 

You know who else is shite? De Bruyne. FIFA really need to be looking into how come Chelsea managed to get £21m for that albino turd. It makes the £50m they pocketed for Luiz look almost above board.

 

There were shades of the French surrender about this but Belgium did at last have a bit of a go. In fairness to them they’ve had to do without Eden Hazard all tournament, who presumably has been missing through injury or something. They could certainly have done with a player of his ability though, as that fella who’s been wearing his number 10 shirt has been crap.

 

Origi was rubbish, I barely remember him having a kick and when he did he seemed to lose it cheaply. Not necessarily a bad thing, if he’d been tearing shit up then his price may have gone up or other clubs may have come in for him. If we get him, maybe another year in France wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

 

The Argentina fans have been the best in the tournament for me. In games when they’ve been crap they’ve still been singing and making a huge din when they could have been forgiven for jeering and whistling. They’re phenomenal.

 

In the fourth quarter final Costa Rica were terrific but Holland were worthy winners as they created loads of chances. It was backs to the wall stuff for Costa Rica and they didn’t do much going forward, but you have to hand it to them as they’ve gone toe to toe with some of the big boys of world football (as well as England) and it took a penalty shoot out to finally knock them out.

 

The centre back Gonzalez has been brilliant all tournament and he caught the eye again versus the Dutch. The keeper Navas though, fucking hell. If he was American they’d name a state after him and make him president.

 

They kept the Dutch forwards relatively quiet all night and surprisingly it was Sneijder who was the main threat. He’s been crap for about three years but was quality in this game and hit the woodwork twice. There were all kinds of goalmouth scrambles and Navas made about ten saves as it just wouldn’t go in for Holland.

 

Cillesen was subbed for Tim Krul seconds before the end of extra time. Not sure why, it’s not like Krul is a specialist at saving pens as his record is mediocre at best. Probably mind games from Van Gaal, making the Costa Rican players think that Krul must be ace so they question themselves.

The unsportsmanlike wanker was getting in the faces of the Costa Rican penalty takers, I didn’t like that and neither did my Mackem brother in law. “Geordie cunt. He couldn’t stop sweet smelling Fabio” he texted. Too right.

 

He went the right way for every pen and saved two, as Holland secured a semi final berth against Argentina. Krul was full of himself afterwards, saying he told all of the Costa Ricans he knew where they were going to put their penalties, and that he did that with Frank Lampard and it worked. Yeah, you tried it on with Stevie fucking Gerrard too and he buried the pen and then stared you down like the chump you are. Funny you didn't mention that though, eh?


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Van Gaal has explained it as Krul being a bigger presence and longer reach. So in essence psychological.  Costa Rica should have just played the ball in between their back four and not let the sub to happen.

 

PS how many of those Costa Ricans understand English to understand what the fuck Krul was on about.

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The thing that pisses me off about the insect is that no-one, NO ONE.... has actually confirmed what it is. Can't the BBC use any of their entomologists or wildlife dorks to help? That kind of thing pisses me off, it's begging for a wikipedia search to read up on the genome and local relations etc. I hate that kind of unanswered, otherwise irrelevant, point. It's not scary either, it'd make you jump when you first see it, but it's clearly not dangerous. Come on, man up. Bet you get the daughter to sort out spiders in the bath.

 

Some weird cricket seems the most likely, anyway Brazil's amazing, shame we're constantly killing off these odd species by the thousand through deforestation.

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I reckon it is a new super breed from the fall out from the Fujika reactor.

 

Just look at...the wings, the coloured torso ( forget what the proper name is)...the thing is menacing yet looks intelligent.

 

And if there is one there is more...where are they all hiding? Can they fly over the Atlantic? Or worse, fly North?

 

 

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There's a blog created by somebody who went on a backpacking trip around Brazil, and he came across one of these bugs. He calls it a giant grasshopper so with no other reference that isn't linked to the Hamez story, I'll take his word on that. Here's a pic hidden behind spoiler tags.

 

 

Grasshopper1Jalapo.jpg

 

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There's a blog created by somebody who went on a backpacking trip around Brazil, and he came across one of these bugs. He calls it a giant grasshopper so with no other reference that isn't linked to the Hamez story, I'll take his word on that. Here's a pic hidden behind spoiler tags.

 

 

Grasshopper1Jalapo.jpg

 

He was shortly attacked by his mates and the human was eaten.

 

Apparently 'grasshopper' is an insult to these man-eating insects.

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It looks like a grasshopper which has evolved to favour flying over hopping. Only in the tropics can there be so many bugs that the birds don't keep that bullshit under control.

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It's called the 'Giant South American Grasshopper', apparently, which is a disappointingly prosaic name for such a creature. Still, at least Rooney wasn't the ugliest thing seen at the World Cup....

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It's called the 'Giant South American Grasshopper', apparently, which is a disappointingly prosaic name for such a creature. Still, at least Rooney wasn't the ugliest thing seen at the World Cup....

The grasshopper would have lost the ugly contest hands down if Tevez was selected.

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I'll see your Carlos Tevez and raise you a Frank Ribery.

And I will raise you an Arturo Vidal.

 

When I first saw Chile one of the fellas watching muttered 'there's a few fellas there I wouldn't like to share a cell with'. Which produced a  quizzical look or two.

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Palacio has always had that tail apparently, even when he had longer hair. Evidently he's made a point of avoiding My-T-Sharp in Queens, New York. They'd have taken one look and made it "nice and neat", charging $8 for the privilege. 

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I'm not a squeamish person, in fact i laugh at people who are scared of spiders, but if that thing landed on my shoulder i'd squeal like a little girl and run away from it as fast as my legs could carry me. My mind just wouldn't be able to process it, what are you? what actually are you? you fucking giant alien locust grasshopper fuck, get away from me.

 

Fuck it's scary, i don't even wanna look at it.

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