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Premier League Round Up (Sep 30-Oct 1 2017)

Another week to forget. While we are unable to shake the habit of the last twenty odd years and continue to drop points to shite, the other top clubs roll on like juggernauts opening up a gap that is probably already too wide for us to close.

 

At least the Reds can’t ruin this weekend, unless of course some of them get crocked on international duty, and let’s be honest it would be more of a surprise if that didn’t happen. 
 
It’s really not been a good week for me. When the footy is getting me down I have a couple of forms of escape. There’s the NFL and there’s my xbox one. I love NFL Sundays but my Bears are fucking hopeless, meaning when the reds have let me down there’s never a pick me up, only double whammy because the Bears stink. Last week they got embarrassed by the Packers, which is the equivalent of being stuffed by the Mancs. 
 
Still, at least there’s the xbox, and specifically Star Wars Battlefront, which is my usual game of choice. I’m not great but I can hold my own when it’s a level playing field, which is the least you’d expect considering the stupid amount of hours I’ve logged on it. It’s not always a level playing field though, like this week when I’m in a game and some little virgin got to play as Han Solo, which as anyone who’s played Battlefront knows, means you have to shoot the fucker approximately 3 billion times to kill him.
 
Not only that, but one shot from him and you’re brown bread. So this fucker is repeatedly killing me over and over and as you can imagine, it’s not much fun. I tend to be on a short fuse when I’m playing Battlefront anyway, but I was getting more and more agitated by this tit and my missus was giving me a hard time because I’m swearing at the screen. 
 
So the game finishes, and you'll never guess what. I only get a message pop up from this twat who’d been repeatedly doing me in. Firstly I had no idea you could even send messages to random strangers, and secondly I had no idea what it meant, as I don’t speak nerd unfortunately. The message simply said REKT and had a couple of smilies after it. I sat there trying to figure out 1) what it meant and 2) why this fucker is messaging me. 
 
In the end I googled it, and that tipped me over the edge….. 

 
rekt.jpg

 
Muthafucka. I put the xbox on to get away from stress, not to be ripped on by some fucking virgin who has no doubt never had a girlfriend in his sad pathetic little life because he spends all his time playing Battlefront with the deck stacked in his favour as Han Solo, and then, AND THEN, has the fucking balls to be talking smack to people he doesn’t even know. Honestly, if I'd have had his name and address I’d have gone round there and then, I was fucking seething. Bet he’s a fucking Chelsea fan. 
 
If my hunch is right, then his team got 'REKT' by City on Saturday. It was an awful lot more convincing than the 1-0 scoreline suggests as Chelsea couldn’t lay a glove on them. I’m not sure what’s going on here as I’m not having it that City’s defence or keeper are actually any good, but no fucker can score past them at the moment, it’s ridiculous. If they are actually good then fucking God help everyone else, we all may as well pack up and go home because they’ll score a shitload of goals with the firepower they have. 
 
Chelsea were really disappointing though. I expected them to put up more of a fight than this and they looked pretty toothless. Of course it doesn’t help when Morata goes off injured and Conte has such little faith in Batshuayi that he decides he’d rather play without a striker. He’s their Divock Origi isn’t he? He’ll be on loan in Germany next year. 
 
It was a good weekend for the other Mancs too, as they battered Palace at Old Trafford. We knew that was happening even before kick off as the Hodge had already told us Palace were going to be getting spanked in their next few games. Ashley Young getting assists and Fellaini getting goals? Fuck off Palace, you deserve to go down just for that. 
 
It goes without saying that I didn’t watch it, but as I fast forwarded through it on MOTD I came to the Hodgson interview afterwards and stopped to hear what he had to say for himself. They showed him at full time with a beaming grin as he went over to shake hands with Mourinho. You just lost 4-0 you cunt, what are you grinning about? Of course 4-0 defeats are easier to stomach when you’ve already told everyone beforehand that you have no chance. Coward. 
 
I was that busy shouting at the TV I didn’t hear most of what he had to say, I just caught some snippets about injuries and how difficult it is, and that at 2-0 down he told the players the target was to “keep a clean sheet second half”. That sums him up. They’re losing, they need to score and he’s talking about keeping the score down. His team went out and conceded within a minute, which shows you just how little notice they’re taking of him. 
 
Until now my belief was that Palace wouldn’t go down because they’ve got too many good players. Cabaye, Townsend, Zaha, Benteke, Dann, Sakho, my boy J Punch… I’ve changed my mind now, because after spending time around that positive energy black hole those lads are going to be thinking they belong in League Two. Palace deserve to be relegated for how they treated Frank the Bore and for not giving Hodgson the same treatment after his first four games. 
 
As for United, I hate so many of their players even though these lads pale in comparison to the thundercunts they’ve had in the past . It’s Mourinho that does it, I just hate anyone associated with him, he’s absolutely toxic. Players that weren’t on my radar previously now piss me off just by looking at them. 
 
You know who I hate most though? Our players. Because United have been fucking muck for years but we haven’t taken advantage of it at all, and now look, they’re back challenging for the title and we’re still bumming around dropping points to shite teams and desperately trying to get in the top four. As much as I hate Mourinho and United, I’m starting to hate us more because we’re such fucking losers. 
 
Spurs battered Huddersfield as Kane’s incredible September came to a close. He scored 49 goals this month, or at least it felt that way. Spurs are fucking brilliant when they aren’t at Wembley. Fortunately half their games are at Wembley. 
 
Guardiola had a bit of a pop at Spurs this week, calling them a one man team. Couple of points here. Most of his success is down to Leo Messi, so there’s that. Also, maybe if Spurs had the capability to go out and spend half a billion quid each summer they wouldn’t be so reliant on a player they actually brought through the ranks themselves. Flat Track Pep can go fuck himself. 
 
To paraphrase the Simpsons, he’s got some nerve talking about Spurs. He doesn’t even have hair. 
 
Virgil Van Dyke conceded a penalty as “operation get the price down for January” commenced at Stoke. It was his first start for nine months so a bit of rust is to be expected I suppose. When you watch the build up to it though it’s not good. He’s just ambling around like a big fucking oaf and then sticks a leg out to bring down the Stoke player. If Lovren had done that he’d be hanging from Flagpole Corner by his y-fronts. Honestly, it was really fucking bad. 
 
Berahino missed the pen but Stoke were already in front at that point as Diouf had headed in from a corner. Nice preparation for Big Virgil there for when he he eventually comes here. Better get used to goals like that son. Yoshida equalised, also from a corner. Make the most of that while you can Virgil, as we’ll have none of that business here, no sir. 
 
Stoke won it late through substitute Peter Crouch. I fucking love Peter Crouch. Have I said that before? Doesn’t matter, you can never say you love Peter Crouch too many times. 
 
Rondon put West Brom ahead at the Hawthorns against Watford. Brilliant goal it was too, great strength and a good finish. You wonder why he doesn’t do that more often as when he’s on his game he’s a real handful. Not often you see West Brom scoring from open play, but normal service was resumed a few minutes later when Evans bundled in from a corner. 
 
Watford looked dead and buried but Doucoure’s third goal of the season got them back into it. He’s this year’s Etienne Capoue by the looks of it. Time was running out but Watford got a free-kick in the dying seconds and Richarlison headed in the equaliser. 
 
I don’t like Richarlison. Not sure why, he’s just got one of those faces I think and his name sounds stupid. It keeps autocorrecting to Richardson too, which reminds of Kieran Richardson, who is a dick. Tenuous I know, but in fairness I don’t really need much reason to dislike footballers. 
 
West Ham needed a stoppage time winner from Sakho to beat Swansea at home. Sakho had come on when Bilic subbed Hernandez and the West Ham fans went apeshit. If I was Bilic I’d have been on the pitch at full time cupping my ear Hulk Hogan style at the fuckers. 
 
Motson was sat in the stands sat next to David Sullivan. Typical West Ham owner behaviour, always surrounded by dildos. 
 
Ian Wright kept talking about ‘Chicarito’ afterwards. Kinell, that’s a blast from the past. Is that even still a thing? Haven’t heard anyone calling him that in years, presumably because it’s fucking shit. Like when you were a kid and you gave yourself a nickname. I was Kenny Dalgush, but I never had it on the back of a shirt like this nonce.  
Leicester left Mahrez on the bench in favour of Demarai Gray. Am I the only one who just doesn’t see it with Gray? He’s like a poor man’s Zaha, or if you like, Zaha of 12 months ago when he only used to score one or two a season. Mahrez was joined on the bench by Slimani, who always looks shifty to me. Like a hired goon in a Steven Segal movie. 
 
I feel like I may have greatly overestimated Leicester this year. I see them as realistic challengers to finish 7th but every week they seem to have a shit result. Maybe they are actually shit. I’m not quite ready to accept that yet. Bournemouth are shit though, and they dominated this game so that doesn’t reflect well on Leicester. 
 
Bournemouth got stiffed by the officials again though, as Danny Simpson deliberately handled a goal bound shot on the line. Nice Guy Eddie still didn’t get mad though, smiling as he jovially said “it was a penalty”. He’ll snap one day, mark my words. And when he does, you won’t want to be in the vicinity. 
 
Onto Sunday and Arsenal had a routine 2-0 home win over Brighton. Montreal got the a scruffy first and Iwobi bagged number two after a lovely move. Arsenal are doing what Arsenal do. They’ll put little stretches of wins together in between moments of crisis and fan tantrums. 
 
Not really anything to say about Brighton, other than my daughter was watching this with me and suddenly said “What’s Barack Obama doing there?”. It was Chris Hughton. 
 
What about the Blues though, eh? Was anyone even the least bit surprised they lost to Burnley? I saw it coming a mile off. When you’re having a bad time the last team you want to face is Burnley. You’d rather come up against one of the top sides because when you lose it’s to be expected and not too much stick comes your way. 
 
Burnley though, everyone expects to beat them even though loads don’t because they’re way better than anyone ever gives them credit for. They’re above us in the table right now, which says more about us than them but does show you can’t take them for granted. 
 
They’re probably the most well drilled team in the league and they all know what they’re doing even if it’s not exactly pleasing on the eye. Mind you, the goal they scored was fucking awesome, Hendrick finishing coolly after about 300 passes all around the pitch. 
 
Like I said last week, their games are always 0-0, 1-0, 0-1 or 1-1. I might start betting the under on their games as there’s never more than two. One was all they needed to sink the free falling Blues.

 

It’s a tough time for Koeman, but on the bright side, at least he will be able to decorate his crimbo tree whatever colour he likes this year.


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"At least the Reds can’t ruin this weekend, unless of course some of them get crocked on international duty, and let’s be honest it would be more of a surprise if that didn’t happen"

 

Oh aye!

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"At least the Reds can’t ruin this weekend, unless of course some of them get crocked on international duty, and let’s be honest it would be more of a surprise if that didn’t happen"

 

Oh aye!

 

Bookmark this under we've no shit players anymore thread and we'll batter Newcastle. 

If Dave U backs the Mancs to win this weekend i'd be confident we could get a result.

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Bookmark this under we've no shit players anymore thread and we'll batter Newcastle. 

If Dave U backs the Mancs to win this weekend i'd be confident we could get a result.

 

Hold on, I called that one right! I said it would be more of a surprise if someone didn't get injured. You can't pin this one on me.

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