Another shitty weekend for us, and this time we didn’t get away with it in quite the way we had done a week earlier. Saying that, I have no idea who we are even competing with this season now so it’s tough to say whose results even affect us.
Man City’s don’t, so them winning at Hull doesn’t bother me in the slightest, unlike this fixture last season when they went down to ten men and gave us hope they might drop points only to hold on for a narrow win. Ah yes, last season……
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, reality, unfortunately. Aguero gave City the lead early doors at the KC Stadium. He’s nailed on to finish as top scorer this year now that he doesn’t have *sobs* Suarez to compete with and Sturridge is being a bit of a tart. Dzeko then made it 2-0, and he’ll probably end up second in the top scorers list. Remember when we had the top two scorers? Good times.
Anyway, Mangala then headed into his own net to get Hull back into it and the young Frenchman’s afternoon got worse when he conceded a penalty soon after, picking up a yellow card for his troubles. Last week people were raving about him after his display against Chelsea. Guess he’s not so great when faced with a team who actually want to attack, eh?
Dzeko restored City’s lead with a precise finish and Fat Frank wrapped it up with his fourth goal in a week. Considering how many goals he scored for those bus parking cunts, he might hit 50 this season playing in a team like City’s.
Interesting to see Joe Hart benched again though, and Pellegrini keeps saying he doesn’t have a number one goalkeeper. We were linked with Hart last week, probably just some journo putting two and two together and coming up with horseshit. Still, if there was even the remotest chance of getting him I’d be all over that. Yeah he’s made some mistakes over the past couple of years but he’d still be a massive upgrade for us, unless of course we sign Valdes in the meantime.
Southampton won again and are up to second place now. Ryan Bertrand opened the scoring against QPR and the Saints must be laughing all the way to the bank considering the money they got for two teenage full backs. Are they any worse off with Bertrand and Clyne? I’d say no, and they came out of it around £40m up too.
Charlie Austin levelled with a corker but Pelle’s brilliant overhead kick restored the home side’s lead. Again, is the Italian much of a drop off from big Rickie? It’s too early to say that Tadic is an upgrade on Lallana (and I’m Lallana’s biggest fan so I’m hardly going to admit that no matter how good Tadic may prove to be) but all in all they look to have done well replacing all their big money departures don’t they? They’ve probably still got cash left over too, unlike us for example.
The North London derby ended honours even, somewhat surprisingly. Spurs gave 23 year old Ryan Mason his Premier League debut. “Who?” I hear you all cry. Well, according to wiki this fella made his Spurs debut six years ago in the UEFA Cup but this was his first league game. What the fuck? Where’s he been all this time? Prison or something? Well not quite, although he did have a loan spell at Millwall which is the next best thing, except you’re surrounded by more loons than you are in prison.
No, he’s been bumming around in the lower leagues for six years, and now suddenly he’s thrown in for a game against Arsenal? Something weird going on there, presumably all their other midfielders were injured or something. He must be Tottenham’s Dani Pacheco.
You’ll never guess what happened in this game though. Arsenal got caught in possession in midfield and conceded a goal!! Who could have preicted that. What's that? Everyone you say. Yeah ok, fair enough. That kind of goal is to Arsenal what defending set-pieces is to us. It feels like every goal they concede comes from them being robbed in their own half. This time Flamini was pressed into the mistake, Lamela found Chadli and just like that it was 1-0 totally against the run of play.
Oxlade-Chamberlain equalised, capitalising on a hilarious fresh air kick from Welbeck to smash the ball past Lloris. Arsenal are dropping points regularly but they still look fucking miles better than us, sadly. I think we might just be better than Spurs though, but I wouldn’t put any money on it yet.
Moving on, Palace won again as Leicester came back down to earth with a bump after their spectacular win over the Mancs the week before. Fraizer Campbell and Jedinak scored from pinpoint set-pieces by my boy shortly after half time and Leicester barely managed a shot all afternoon. Not easy when you’re up against a team who can actually defend. Bet they’re counting the days until they face us though.
As will West Brom, who come to Anfield this weekend on the back of three straight wins after they battered hapless Burnley on Sunday. I’m revising my prediction of QPR finishing bottom, they won’t, Burnley will because they just can’t score.
Sunderland and Swansea played out a dire 0-0 at the Stadium of Light. Angel Rangel was rather harshly sent off but Swansea could have played a five a side team and still held Sunderland goalless. They’re almost as impotent as Burnley.
Fat Luke Shaw made his debut for United at long last, but once again they had a complete nobody in their back four. This week it was some teenager called Paddy McNair. I’m guessing he’s Irish, not sure what I’m basing that one, just a gut feeling.
Whatever questions marks they have at the back though, there’s no doubt about what they have at the other end. Rooney put them in front after just four minutes and Van Persie added another not long after. They conceded a goal from a corner five minutes before the break though, and I see so many similarities between them and last season’s version of us, and that makes me want to cry.
It looked like it could be another goal fest like last week at Leicester, but then out of nowhere Rooney lashed out at Downing and got himself sent off, changing the flow of the game completely. The look of shock of the fans faces was hilarious, it’s like they know absolutely nothing about football at all. They even applauded him off, the thick twats.
He deliberately booted Downing and caught him on the thigh, that’s a red card anywhere in the world, even at Old Trafford to a United player. Manc ignorance was in evidence again in the second half when they were screaming for Sakho to be sent off after he clipped Rafael’s heels. Players and fans were howling for a red card, claiming it was the same as what Rooney did. Accidentally clipping someone’s heels and deliberately booting someone in the thigh ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport.
Kevin Nolan thought he’d equalised but his 89th minute goal was ruled out for offside. If he was off it was by the width of a gnat’s pube.
Is it just me, or does Van Gaal seem a little.. I don’t know… slow? I know he’s talking in his second language, but still…
What an absolute dickhead Rooney is though. Some captain he is, the ill disciplined little scrote.
Talking of scrotes, Mourinho once again had a bit of a handshake incident with the opposing manager at full time, and it’s becoming a trend now. He tried his usual 'beat the traffic' early exit tactic and went to shake Lambert's hand hand before the game had finished. Lambert snubbed him and pointed to his watch, while Roy Keane also blanked him, refusing to even look in his direction. Maybe Roy just doesn't like handshakes? Or maybe he just thinks Mourinho is a cunt? Either way, I can relate to it as I'm not a fan of either.
You all know by now how much I hate Mourinho, but you won't be aware of my beef with handshakes. I’m still haunted by an incident last year when I’d dropped my daughter off at school and was passing one of the other dads outside. He reached out for a ‘drive by handshake’ (where we both carried on walking), I tried to reciprocate and ended up somehow just grabbing one of his fingers and shaking it as we passed eachother. I cringed all the way home, and for several hours afterwards. Epic handshake fail.
I hate handshakes. I’ve got fairly small hands and that makes for a real weak, sorry, pitiful handshake, as usually my hand gets engulfed and my fingers get all squashed, like a ladies. Hand shakes are just a constant blow to my manliness and self esteem, I can well do without them.
So erm yeah, Chelsea and Villa then. Went exactly how I thought it would, 3-0 to Chelsea. I even got that score right in the TLW prediction league. It might be the only correct score I’ve had all season, but it was never in doubt. Villa being Villa, Chelsea being Chelsea.
As much as I hate Diego Costa and I’m sick of hearing about his fucking hamstring, I can’t help but wish our star centre forward had a similar pain threshold and desire to just get out there no matter what. Fair play to Costa, but I’m still living in hope that that dodgy hamstring of his snaps like an overstretched elastic band some time soon.
Interesting to see that Samuel L Jackson was at the game, schmoozing with Chelsea twats. Fucking turncoat, some Red he is.
I was in London last weekend too, for the NFL at Wembley. After the game we were looking for somewhere to go to watch the two late games, and we ended up in this swanky casino. It was ace, there was a 50 foot screen to watch the games on and we had a table front and centre, with food and drinks being brought to us
I’d have happily stayed there all night, except my mate Julian kept getting itchy feet and was wandering off to have a bit of a gamble. Eventually he talked me into having a go on the Black Jack tables. Now I’ve only ever been in a casino once before, I barely remember it as it was years ago and I’d had a drink or two, and I couldn’t have been any more out of my comfort zone as basically I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk you through it” says Julian, before sitting me down at a table where three other fellas are already playing.
I stick my five quid chip down and the croupier deals. “15? Fucks sake, what am I meant to do with that” I curse under my breath. I never even bothered looking at what the other fellas had, but the dealer had 14 so was obviously going to have to twist. “Ah go on, twist” I say, as she then turns over a bloody queen. Gutted, there’s a fiver gone just like that. Still, all was not lost as I had one more five pound chip to play with.
Then the fella next to me leans in, and ever so politely says, “you taking that queen made all of us lose too, you know? If you’d stuck with what you had like we did, she’d have got that queen and we’d have all won”. Yer wha?? The fuck’s this guy talking about? Then Julian eventually rediscovers his voice and chimes in, “oh yeah, if you lose so does everyone else”.
It’s at this point I glanced at the chips the other fellas were playing with. The fella next to me must have lost about £500 on that one hand alone. The other two wouldn’t have been far behind either. Suddenly I felt as uncomfortable as a whore in church and I was sweating like I’d stole something. I did think about apologising and offering a handshake, but, well y’know… handshakes aren’t my thing.
So here’s these three seasoned casino goers, hardened gamblers, sitting there having their high stakes game, and then some dickhead in a Chicago Bears jersey and two five pound chips sits down, uninvited, not knowing the rules and costs them all a shitload of dough. It was like a scene from a sitcom. In fact they were probably looking around for a hidden camera.
Rather than feel bad about it though, I haven’t been able to stop laughing ever since. I’m laughing now as I type this. If they can afford to gamble that much then bollocks to them. You didn’t hear me crying about my lost fiver (although I did have a right whinge about the tenner Julian cost me by forcing me into a game of roulette, but that’s another story).
I’ll end with a word of advice for any other casino virgins who may be reading. Apparently it’s not the done thing to say ‘stick’ and ‘twist’ either. How the fuck was I meant to know that though? I play cards with my 7 year old daughter every night before she goes to bed, and she’s never pulled me up on it. Based on watching these other fellas though, it seems you’re meant to sit there acting all cool and either nod or shake your head to let the croupier know what you want. At least I’ll know for next time. If there ever is a next time.
Wait, I forgot about Newcastle. They lost at Stoke on Monday night, but Pards is still clinging on to his job and nothing will shake his unshakable arrogance. When asked if he can turn things around, he replied: ““I’ve got some CV and experience that says I can do that and I can turn around this situation. I’ve got to lean on that. Nobody else is going to lean on it so it’s important that I do. So I will go home and shine my manager of the year trophy to give myself a bit of confidence and come in tomorrow.”
Honestly, how can you not love this guy? The Ric Flair of football management. Wooooooo!
Dave
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