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Premier League Round Up (Oct 4-5 2014)

Well we finally won a game, which meant that for once, watching Match of the Day this week didn’t feel like a trip to the dentist. There’s nothing worse than knowing I have to sit through all of the weekend’s games knowing we’ve had a bad result, and it’s been happening all too frequently this year so this was a welcome change.

 

My life wasn’t supposed to be like this though; I don’t even know how I ended up doing this for a living as when I was a kid there were only two careers I was interested in pursuing. I wanted to be a Marine Biologist or failing that, I wanted to open a chippy in Kirkby town centre.

 

The marine biologist thing always fascinated me, still does in fact. I love all that stuff, sharks and oceans and shit, but the problem is you needed to be 1) really clever and 2) really hard working at school. I had the first part down, but I’ve explained before how I may well have been the laziest kid in school, so as a result that plan never really got off the ground.

 

The chippy in Kirkby would have been a gold mine though. As a kid I noticed there was only one chippy in ‘the townie’ and the queues were always round the block, even though the chips were absolutely fucking vile. They were so white I can only assume they were anaemic and they were greasier than an Alan Pardew handshake.

 

The way I figured, if I opened up a gaff that made chips to my own high standards the world would have been my oyster. I probably should have chased that dream but the risk of me eating all the profits was too great. So here I am, trying (and usually failing) to find new and original ways of calling Jose Mourinho a twat on a weekly basis.

 

I’ll get to soft shite in due course, but let’s kick things off with the Saturday games. City won at Villa Park but they took their sweet time getting their noses in front. Toure eventually broke the deadlock with eight minutes left and Aguero wrapped it up soon after. Fuckin’ Villa, doing enough to almost make me forget they’re Villa before inevitably reverting to type, the fuckin shitbirds.

 

Agbonlahor felt ill in the warm up and with him went any hope Villa had of getting something from the game. Didn’t he cry off late against City at the end of last season too? We desperately needed Villa to do something that night and without him they had nothing. Pretty sure they were goalless at half time in that game too before capitulating in typical Villa fashion after the break.

 

Roy Keane’s beard though, it’s probably the manliest thing I think I’ve ever seen. If I could grow one of those I wouldn’t even be bothered about that embarrassingly weak handshake of mine; I’d just grunt at anyone who offered their hand and scare them away. Sadly my beard growing ability ranks alongside my weedy handshake as a constant blow to my masculine pride.

 

Apparently Keane has a book out. That slipped under the radar didn’t it? You’d think someone might have mentioned it like. Oh, in case you didn’t know, Marge, I was being sarcastic.

 

There’s no need to buy Keane’s book as it feels like the entire thing must have been posted out in a series of tweets and screenshots by various journos. Each and every one of them incredibly entertaining it should be said (the book extracts, not the journos). Look, I’m not saying Keane is a good guy, or that I like him and he isn’t a knob. If you want to harrumph and tell me he’s a twat, a thug, a hypocrite or the anti-christ then have at it, I’m not going to argue with you, he probably is all of those things and then some. I tell you what else he is though: incredibly entertaining.

 

What tickles me most is that Keane is surely the most serious, humourless man on the planet, which in itself is makes for great entertainment. The story about “Dancing Queen” being played in the dressing room just before Sunderland players went out onto the pitch creased me up. Not because the story was especially funny, it was more to do with imagining Keane’s face as it was all unfolding. I guess it’s similar to the one he pulls any time Adrian Chiles dares to offer an opinion on anything football related.

 

Then there was the Robbie Savage one. If you missed it, here it is: “Robbie’s legs were going a bit but I thought he might come up to us [at Sunderland], with his long hair, and give us a lift – the way Yorkie [Dwight Yorke] had, a big personality in the dressing room. Sparky gave me permission to give him a call. So I got Robbie’s mobile number and rang him. It went to his voicemail: ‘Hi, it’s Robbie – whazzup!’ like the Budweiser ad. I never called him back. I thought: ‘I can’t be fucking signing that.’”

 

If that was anyone else they’d be telling that story just for a bit of a laugh `nd you’d take it with a pinch of salt. Not Keane though, he doesn’t say anything ‘for a laugh’. He’s deadly serious about everything. Again, try and picture Keane’s face when he heard that voicemail! The idea that he didn’t sign him because of that probably has most people thinking he’s a dickhead, but not me, I can relate to it. I’d be making snap decisions like that all the time if I was a manager.

 

“Yeah he’s a great player, but he has his first name on the back of his shirt. I can’t be fucking signing that”

 

“Yeah I know he’s scored 35 goals this season, but he’s too friendly with Mourinho. I can’t be fucking signing that.”

 

“What’s that? He’s a £40m player available on a Bosman? Great, let’s get him in. Hang on, he’s wearing one pink boot and one turquoise one. No, I’m out, I can’t be fucking signing that”.

 

Roy Keane, a man after my own heart.

 

His old club Sunderland recorded a rare win, seeing off inconsistent Stoke at the Stadium of Light. Connor Wickham’s first of the season put them ahead but Victor Moses set up Charlie Adam for a cracking equaliser. Neither of them ever did any of that sort of thing when they played for us did they, the bums.

 

Steven Fletcher’s first goals of 2014 won it for the Mackems. The Scot was understandably fired up about his first one, but it looked like he was giving the fans some stick by cupping his ears and yelling a lot at them. Maybe the fans have been giving him a bit of grief, but a centre forward who hasn’t scored for nine months isn’t really in any kind of position to be kicking off. Bit like Downing shushing us that time, the cheeky git.

 

Elsewhere, Pards is still hanging on in there after a decent draw at Swansea. Bony’s first of the season was cancelled out by Papis Cisse. Routledge clipped a nice finish over Krul to make it 2-1 but Cisse equalised again and Pardew lives to slime another day. Unlucky Toon fans. Hehe.

 

Staying with Newcastle, I see that Tiote was linked with us, Arsenal and United this week. Hell of a job by his agent there to convince anyone that those three teams would even look twice at him, let alone pay the reported £15.5m fee. I think I’d honestly rather have Lee fucking Cattermole.

 

Moving on, and you’d think Leicester probably should be beating Burnley at home but there wasn’t much between them last season in the Championship and these games between newly promoted sides are notoriously difficult to call.

 

Schlupp put the Foxes up but Kightley equalised within minutes. Seconds later Leicester were ahead again through Mahrez, the third goal just wouldn’t come though and Burnley nicked a point through Ross Wallace’s free-kick in the sixth minute of stoppage time. Mind you, I reckon I could have scored that, as Schmeichel Jr gave him almost the whole goal to aim at.

 

Hull picked up their first victory since the opening day, running out 2-0 winners over lacklustre Palace. Diame and Jelavic got the goals as Neil Warnock suffered his first defeat since returning to Palace. Hopefully now he’ll dig his suit out of the closet and ditch the polo shirt tucked into tracky bottoms combo, as that’s ruining my weekend even more regularly than the Redmen now.

 

Onto Sunday, and all eyes were on Stamford Bridge as Mourinho and Wenger renewed hostilities. As usual, Mourinho came out on top in terms of the result and Wenger has still never beaten him. He came close this time, to beating him I mean, not to winning the game. Sadly he stopped short of finishing the job and just shoved him a couple of times when it was crying out for a right hook or head butt.

 

It was great though wasn’t it? I loved it, but it just wasn’t enough. Someone really needs to just lay one on Mourinho and knock him flat on his pompous arse. It will happen one day, the way he carries on makes that inevitable. I still say Pardew is the man for that job, but Wenger might be getting closer to it, especially if he continues losing to him.

 

Hazard was the main difference between the sides, he was absolutely brilliant. He scored the first from the penalty spot after he’d been fouled, and Costa wrapped it up when he latched onto a Fabregas pass and lobbed the keeper.

 

“Postman Pat” had to be replaced by Cech after he was knocked out by an innocuous collision with Sanchez. Looks like Drogba isn’t the only one with a glass jaw at Stamford Bridge then.

 

The ref didn’t cover himself in glory either - it looked like he must have forgotten to bring his red card with him - and he should have given Arsenal a pen for a handball by Fabregas.

 

Arsenal’s defending was shite though, and the rimming of Wenger for signing Callum Chambers for £16m seems to have stopped now doesn’t it. He’s getting more bookings than Tiote these days.

 

Mourinho cried afterwards about how three Arsenal players should have been sent off. Wenger cried that three Chelsea players should have been sent off. Can we not just stick them in a cage and let them settle this silly little feud once and for all? I tell you, if that happens the only way Mourinho is getting out of there is in a body bag as I reckon Wenger can defo handle himself.

 

Had to laugh when he was asked if he regretted shoving Mourinho. “No, not at all”. The look in his eye said it all. The only thing he regrets is not ripping his stupid fucking head off. Next time Arsene, next time.

 

Also on Sunday, Pochettino got the better of his old side as Spurs just about overcame Southampton at White Hart Lane. Naughton was carried off after a bad challenge by Bertrand, who went over the top while running at full pace. Red card all day, but referee Mike Jones gave nothing.

 

He evened it up in the second half when last man Kaboul brought Mane down and was only given a yellow. Another shocking decision that.

 

Eriksen got the only goal of the game, and he and Chadli were menacing all afternoon. Lamela though, he’s still doing nothing, and if he didn’t have a silly haircut and pink boots you wouldn’t even notice him at all. He should be playing for Newcastle with that Cabella jabroni, they could be twins them two, the fancy dan underachieving bastards.

 

Southampton should have equalised late on when Mane missed an absolute sitter after a delicious cross on the run by Bertrand. Spurs are really not looking good yet but they’re still well positioned for a run at the top four, a bit like ourselves really.

 

West Ham took an early lead against QPR when Downing’s corner was put into his own net by Onuoha. Downing has had a lot to say himself over the past week or so, a lot of it about Brendan Rodgers, and he even popped up doing the post match interview on MOTD. Had a couple of good games have you? Shithouse.

 

The bollocks he came out with about his ‘treatment’ by Rodgers was laughable. He took exception to Rodgers publicly saying that he wasn’t doing enough to deserve a place in the team. “Did he do it as a gee-up? Maybe, but I didn’t appreciate it. I got my head down, worked hard and got back in the team.”. Right, so the manager says you aren’t doing enough, you then get your head down, work harder and he picks you. So in other words, Rodgers was right then, you silly underachieving cunt.

 

If Downing had any balls he’d still be playing for us, as he’s got everything top players need except a winning mentality and a desire to be the best. That’s why he’s at West Ham in the prime years of his career.

 

Sakho made it it 2-0 after the break and that’s how it ended. QPR are pitiful, if we don’t beat them next weekend then everybody should be fired. Players, coaches, manager, owners, canteen staff… everybody. That’s how bad this QPR team is.

 

And finally, United edged out Everton in a game they really didn’t deserve to win. Di Maria put United ahead but the Blues should have been level before half time when Fat Luke Shaw conceded a penalty for a foul on Hibbert. Why would you be tackling Hibbert in the box? Just let the weasel have it, what’s he gonna do? He’s 52 years of age and has never scored a goal.

 

Baines chose a hell of a time to miss his first penalty though. He made some amends when his cross was spectacularly headed in by Naismith and after that Everton looked the more likely winners. Until that is, they let in a flukey goal when Di Maria’s weak as piss shot was turned in by Falcao.

 

Di Maria may have been over-priced but he’s really looking the business unfortunately. Mind you, so did Ozil this time last year so fingers crossed and that.

 

Tell you what though, Lukaku was shockingly bad. Maybe Chelsea knew what they were doing after all. He looked great until Kenwright shelled out £28m on him, and now the arse has fallen out of his game completely. Never mind eh.

 

Everton laid siege to the United goal in the closing stages and De Gea had to make three great saves to keep them out. The Blues were wondering how they didn’t get something from the game. It’s because you used up all your luck last week, yer fucking scruffs.

 

Dave


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That's the one, horrible. I think there might be another chippy in town now, so my window of opportunity is gone and I'm stuck with all of you on here,

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