Premier League Round Up (May 15 2016)

An eventful final day of the Premier League season was headlined by a controlled explosion by police at Old Trafford and an uncontrolled implosion by Spurs at St James Park. Ok, technically it’s not the final day as the Mancs still have to play Bournemouth on Tuesday night but no-one cares about that, not even the Mancs who could do without the inconvenience ahead of the FA Cup final. Bournemouth’s players probably had flights booked to Vegas for first thing Monday morning, so they won’t be thrilled about it either. 
 
Imagine being that poor bastard from that security firm who left that device behind though. The massive inconvenience he’s caused for 75,000 people and the amount of money he’s cost them in terms of flights, hotels etc. I suppose he could counter that by telling United fans he did them a favour by sparing them from the boredom of watching the game, and he'd have a point as that was definitely the most exciting thing to happen there this season. They managed to evacuate the stadium pretty sharpish to be fair, although if they’d wanted to do it quicker they could have just informed the crowd Phil Jones was starting.
 
What about Spurs though eh? They haven’t finished above Arsenal in 21 years (that’s one hell of an embarrassing stat), but all they needed to do to break that run was not lose at already relegated Newcastle. Actually I’ll rephrase that, all they had to do was not lose at already relegated Newcastle who only had ten men. Yet not only did they lose, they lost 5-1. Five fucking one!?!?!?! That’s the most Spurs thing I’ve seen since Chaz ’n Dave recorded “Ossie’s going to Wembley”. For all the fawning over them and the talk of the “huge improvement” under Pochettino, in the end they managed less points than AVB got in his first season there.
 
A strong argument can be made that what they did at St James’ Park was so fucking appalling they should probably be made to switch places with Newcastle next season. They went 2-0 down after goals from Wijnaldum and Mitrovic, but Lamela had got them back into it and when that loon Mitrovic got sent off for a horrible, snide lunge on Walker, the stage looked set for a Spurs onslaught. Instead they somehow conceded another three. How is that even possible? Without the woodwork and Lloris it would have been even worse, although even he’d quit by the end and his ‘attempt’ at saving the fifth goal was fucking risible.
 
What a bunch of absolute fucking shithouses they are. I feel genuinely sorry for their fans as at no point over the last few months will they have even contemplated that they might finish below Arsenal, yet they’ve only gone and finished third in a two horse race. Well done Spurs, good job. *sarcastic applause*
 
I used to often write about “Spurs DNA” and how they just can’t change who they are. I’ve not mentioned it at all this year because it looked like they’d finally grown a pair of balls. There was a bit of steel about them for most of the year and they were comfortably ahead of the other North London bottlers, but when push came to shove they just reverted back to being Spurs. Will they ever be anything else?
 
As for Arsenal, well they went out and did the most Arsenal thing ever on Sunday. Beating shit teams 4-0 when the title has already gone is what they excel at. Giroud has done nothing for weeks but banged in a hat-trick to pad his stats. He is the living embodiment of this Arsenal squad. Of course they celebrated afterwards as though they’d just pipped Leicester for the title. Arsenal, don’t ever change.
 
Meanwhile, Man City stumbled over the line and into the final Champions League spot like a Scotsman at the end of a night out in Blackpool. Swansea left out Fabianski, Williams and Sigurdsson, which will have gone down at Old Trafford about as well as a fake bomb scare.
 
City went in front after 5 minutes through Ihencacho, but his celebrations were cut short by a linesman who (wrongly) thought he was offside. Mike Dean over ruled him and kept saying over and over “IT’S A GOAL”. It was almost like he was saying “go on lad, it’s ok you can carry on celebrating” but poor Ihenacho’s was like “no, no, the moment’s gone now, that bastard lineman has killed it”. 
 
Dean is really starting to irritate me now though, with his extravagant mime gestures, his pointy features and gurny mouth. He disallowed a Montero goal soon after and then stood there for about thirty seconds making a pushing gesture and mouthing “IT’S A PUSH”. Has he always been this much of a bell?
 
Swansea equalised on the stroke of half time with a deflected free-kick from Ayew (Otamendi was booked for the foul by a once again ridiculously demonstrative Dean) and that’s how it finished. Hardly an impressive way to end the season for City but it was certainly befitting of how they’ve played for most of it. 
 
Onto the Champions now. Unless they continue to challenge in the years ahead, Leicester’s title win will probably always be looked at as an anomaly or a freak occurrence. That doesn’t really do it justice though. They didn’t just win the league, they fucking ran away with the thing. They won it by ten points, lost only three games all season (one of which they got screwed in) and never once looked like wilting under the pressure. 
 
They fell behind at Chelsea but kept going and eventually levelled through Drinkwater late on. Claudio Ranieri is such a great fella that even Chelsea fans like him. Mongo gave a speech afterwards but it all seems a bit pointless as he’s been offered a new deal and he’s bound to sign it, meaning we’ll go through all this again next season. Can’t wait to see what kind of catastrophe befalls him ahead of his farewell game next year. Hopefully he’ll get himself thrown in jail or something.
 
Moving on, and the Arsenal result aside, there was nothing more certain this weekend than Everton winning comfortably. Firstly, they were only playing Norwich, but secondly, the players could finally start to try again now they’d seen off poor old Bobby Brown Shoes. McCarthy’s screamer broke the deadlock and Bilbo Baines made it 2-0 with a pen just before half time. Mirallas wrapped it up in the second half and I think you’ll all be with me when I say that Big Fat Joe and Big Fat Unsy have surely done enough to get the job on a full time basis now. 
 
I didn’t even recognise Unsworth when he was interviewed afterwards. He looked like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. The years have not been kind. He’s grown in width and seemingly shrunk in height and the BBC camera angle made him look like an oompa loompa.
 
Unsworth being back in the public eye again reminded me of something that happened to me years ago back when I worked in an office in town. It was after that Goodison derby when him and Fowler were sent off for scrapping after he’d kicked Robbie up the air with a shocking challenge. It was a disgraceful show of shithousery from Unsworth, and the next day I penned a letter to him absolutely ripping the piss out him for all manner of things.
 
Looking back it’s a bit embarrassing, I don’t know why I did it, too much time on my hands I suppose and I was only a youngster (22 I believe I was), but it seemed like a good idea at the time and in my defence it was some funny shit. I’ve always had a flair for ridiculing Everton, it’s probably my biggest talent.
 
So late that afternoon I got called into the office by my boss, who to my dismay had the letter sat on his desk and a worried look on his face. “Ah shit” I immediately thought, but I kept my cool and waited to see what he came at me with. He said “I found this in the outgoing mail pile. I haven’t opened it so I don’t know what’s inside, but I can’t imagine it’s anything good. You ran it through the franking machine so it’s got the company logo on it. I can’t let this go through in case there’s anything dodgy in it”. 
 
I assured him there was nothing untoward in it and I wasn’t threatening to kill the bastard or kidnap his kids or anything. I told him I’d even included my name and address in case he wanted to reply (that was true, it would have been a bad shithouse move to do it anonymously). He didn’t actually seem bothered about what I may or may not have written, but he really wasn’t happy about me dragging the company into it by using the franking machine, so I thought it best not to tell him that I’d also written it on company letterhead paper. 
 
The funny thing was, there were fifty people working in that office, yet he immediately knew it was me and I knew he knew it was me, so I didn’t even bother trying to deny it. There was no point, everyone in the building knew I was the only gobshite in there who would have pulled a stupid stunt like that. So anyway, to cut a long story short that letter never got sent in the end, but I really wish I could remember what it said as it was seriously funny shit. 
 
Anyway, moving on, and Southampton secured a top six finish with a win over Palace. They’re not that good, but just like Leicester and West Ham - and unlike everyone else in the top eight - they’ve maximised what they’ve got and they’ve not let themselves down too often.
 
Mane and Pelle put them 2-0 up before my boy Puncheon hit a screamer to get Palace back into it, but a dodgy pen allowed Bertrand to make it 3-1 and Davis wrapped it up with a fourth. Palace played well though and but for some crap refereeing may have gotten something. United won’t have it all their own way next week at Wembley, and I'm tipping a Palace win with Dwight Gayle getting the decisive goal.
 
After a week of celebrations, Sunderland took the lead at Watford through Jack Rodwell. Prodl levelled with a thumping header, then Lens put Sunderland back in front but Deeney secured a point for Watford with a penalty. Tell you what though, it’s a good job Sunderland beat Everton in midweek or there’d be absolute murder over this as they had two perfectly good goals incorrectly ruled out for offside.
 
Watford are now looking for a new manager after letting Quique Flores go. Enjoy relegation next year, dickheads.
 
Finally, West Ham needed a win at Stoke to secure a Europa League spot and it was looking good when Antonio put them ahead in the first half, but Stoke came back into it after the break and won it with goals from Imbula and Diouf. Antonio has had a good season, I like him and he’d make the “All Usher XI” along with the likes of Puncheon, Noble, Long, Sigurdsson, Arnautovic, Wijnaldum and Ritchie. I haven’t picked an actual eleven because as you can see I’m not a big fan of defenders or goalkeepers.
 
I have picked a Twats of the Season XI though, so I’ll finish up with that, and I'll be back with more Round Ups over the summer from the European Championships.
 
TWATS OF THE SEASON XI
 
Adrian - No specific one reason, he’s just a massive gobshite and a worthy successor to that Scruffy Jaaskelainen cunt.
 
Phil Jones - Ugly bastard who was giving it the beans in the away end when United won at Anfield. 
 
Funes Mori - No explanation needed. Dirty badge kissing twat.
 
Jonas Olson - As long as he’s playing, this unwashed looking bastard will be pushing hard for selection in any twats XI. Can’t stand him.
 
Joleon Lescott - Much as I enjoy Villa fans being put through the wringer, the antics of this goon just can’t be condoned. An absolute disgrace to his profession.
 
Raheem Sterling - Spent most of the season missing sitters and eventually couldn’t get a game ahead of the Spanish Downing, Jesus Navas. Still, him and Aidy got paid so what does he care. Twat.
 
Marouanne Fellaini - Just bounces around the field elbowing people in the face. An absolute menace, and a ridiculous looking one at that.
 
Cesc Fabregas - One of the biggest snides to ever set foot on a football pitch. Did fuck all for about 12 months then turned up on Monday Night footy with Carra talking about not wanting Spurs to win the league. Then did everything in his power to make sure they didn’t. Horrible bastard.
 
Eden Hazard - Played most of the season like he couldn’t be arsed, and there was one game when he went off with a “hip injury” that everyone could see was bullshit. Did as much as anyone to get Mourinho the sack, but not even that great service to English football can keep him out of this team because he’s a complete phoney. Turned it on against Spurs and will no doubt take the Euros by storm as he looks to earn himself a big money move. Absolute cunt.
 
Troy Deeney - He’s in here for one reason and one reason only. His gobshitery after they beat us back in December. He played really well that day and I have no issue with him being pleased with himself, but going on Talksport the next day and accusing Skrtel of asking to be subbed because he didn’t fancy it was embarrassing. Skrtel wasn’t an pulling an “Eden Hazard”, he’d torn a hamstring and was out for a couple of months.
 
Roberto Soldado - The idea was to have this as a PL only line up, but I make the rules so I’m playing a wild card and throwing this scumbag in. How could I not pick him when he was the biggest twat we faced all season, and it wasn’t even close. His conduct over both games was so bad it was Chelsea-eqsque. He’s proper shit too. After flopping at Spurs he’s only scored five goals all season for Villarreal. Not only does he make the team, he’s captain. Captain Cocknose.
 
Sub: Alexander Mitrovic - Just a complete head the ball. Started the season with a shocking tackle that should have earned him a red card, and ended one with a shocking tackle that did earn him a red card. Had a few others in between too. Nasty piece of work.