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Premier League Round Up (Feb 21-22 2015)

I may as well start calling this “The Weekly Chelsea” because I seem to focus on them more than anyone else. I’ve questioned myself a lot this week about why that is, and I’m certainly not closed to the idea that this unhealthy hatred I’ve got for them has caused me to become a little obsessed, but I really think it’s more than that. The reason they hog so much space in these round ups is because of the sheer amount of scumbaggery on show from them every single fucking week.

 

It’s relentless. Each week I tell myself “don’t say too much about Chelsea in this one” and then I find that I’ve written ten paragraphs about the fuckers because Mourinho or Costa or Mongo have done something shitty. Honestly, they’re worse than anyone else in the history of the game, perhaps even in the history of humanity; from top to bottom they’re just fucking horrible. There’s not a single redeeming feature about the entire club or anyone associated with it. From Abramovich to Suggs, from Mourinho to Doug Rougvie, I hate them all.

 

Of course I hated United with every fibre of my being when Ferguson was there. That evil old bastard didn’t just pull every trick in the book, he wrote his own book with new tricks, and then used to publish updated versions of that book every couple of years. United were truly loathesome and down the years they had some absolute rats playing for them. Yet they never came close to how bad Chelsea are, especially when Mourinho is in charge. They were infinitely less bothersome when the likes of AVB and Ancelotti were there. 

 

They've hogged all the headlines again over the last seven days and before their game with Burnley they issued an apology for the conduct of those rats on the Paris Metro a few days earlier. Why should they have to do that though? It’s hardly Chelsea's fault and clubs can’t be held responsible for the conduct of a handful of lowlifes away from the stadium, even more so when it’s in another country. Besides, they never apologised when thousands of their fans ruined a minute’s silence for the 96 at Wembley, so why say sorry over this? Still feeling guilty over the Terry situation maybe?

 

They made him condemn it in his “Captain’s Column” in the match programme. Ok, I’ll rephrase that, whoever writes that for him was told to condemn it on his behalf. Not just that, they made him wear a t-shirt too, which must have been awkward to say the least. I can only imagine the look on the Ferdinand’s faces when they saw that. Chelsea could have saved themselves a whole lot of hassle there and just given Terry a microphone and had him say “Do as Mongo say, not as Mongo do”. Not that anything Chelsea as a club say or do is going to stop racist pond life from being racist pondlife of course….. making him wear a t-shirt is certainly not going to change him.

 

That Burnley game was hilarious though wasn’t it? The only thing better than Chelsea not winning games is when Chelsea not winning a game has a lot to do with the referee. Martin Atkinson was widely accused (or credited, depending on your stance towards Chelsea) of being the biggest reason they didn’t win, but I don’t think his performance was as bad as most are suggesting.

 

There was only one decision they had a right to feel pissed off about and that was the handball they didn’t get when a Burnley defender turned his back on an Ivanovic shot and it hit his outstretched arm. That clearly should have been a pen, although they’re not always given as there is a grey area with these handball decisions. I've seen worse than that not given this season but other than that I don’t think Atkinson got much wrong.

 

Costa wanted a penalty after a push by Shackell but there’s no way that contact was enough to send him sprawling like that. Sometimes it will be given but you can’t say that was a stonewall pen as Costa’s theatrical fall made it look like a clear dive. There was a little shove but Costa’s body was blocking the ref’s view so I don’t know how he can be expected to give a penalty there. When it wasn’t given Mourinho did that stupid, sarcastic “piss myself laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all” thing. Poor put upon little Chelsea eh, with all these referees being against them.

 

I still can’t believe all the fuss about the Barnes / Matic incident. I’d heard all kinds about it, everyone seemed to be up in arms about this so called ‘career threatening’ challenge from Barnes and how it was a disgrace he wasn’t red carded. Mourinho even called it 'criminal' without a trace of irony. Err, hello! Essien, Eto'o, Ramires? The fucking balls on this prick!

 

It was three or four days before I saw it and when I did I was like “Is that it? Nothing in that, you bunch of hysterical fannies.” Look, I freely admit I hate Chelsea and my bias may be showing through here, but I didn’t think there was much wrong with it. It looks horrific on a freeze frame, but in real time there is no way Barnes is deliberately trying to do Matic, because Matic isn’t even in front of him when he follows through, he comes from the side. I seem to be on my own little island with that one though, I haven’t heard anyone else expressing similar views, even those that hate Chelsea as much as me are saying it was a red card. All that tells me is that there are an awful lot of people out there who are wrong (and besides, Alan Shearer disagrees with me, so I rest my case).

 

Not least Mourinho of course, who only just stopped short of demanding a prison sentence for Barnes and the electric chair for Atkinson. He even showed up on Goals on Sunday to bitch about it all, which was impressive considering he’d told the BBC straight after the game “I’m not paid to comment on incidents. Sometimes I do, but I shouldn’t as I’m not paid to do it.”

 

Did Sky see that as an invitation? “Hey Jose, we’ll pay you to comment.” He wasn’t scheduled to be on, they binned poor old James Beattie at the last minute to make way for him (Beattie said on the radio the first he heard of it was on Saturday night, AFTER the Burnley game). Now why would Mourinho suddenly decide he wants to go on Goals on Sunday? Maybe I’m doing him a dis-service and the truth is that he’d always wanted to work with Chris Kamara having grown up admiring his mercurial midfield play at Leeds and Sheffield United, or maybe he just loved Hello and Dancing on the Ceiling, but it’s more likely that he just wanted to peddle his bullshit propaganda about a refereeing campaign against Chelsea.

 

I’d love it if there really IS a refereeing conspiracy against them and that it gets worse every week. It’d be hilarious seeing him completely melt down over it. I just don’t buy it though, and Atkinson’s performance against Burnley was not even close to being as bad as Howard Webb’s in our game at the Bridge last year. Yet fuck all was said about that one was it. Oh wait, yeah something was said. Mourinho said how great his performance was and then hammered Suarez for being a diver. So forgive me for laughing my tits off at this one.

 

And what’s with Ivanovic these days. He was one of the few people connected to Chelsea who seemed decent enough, especially after the way he didn’t make anything of the Suarez bite. He’s a right scumbag these days though. What’s happened to him? I’ll tell you what happened to him, he’s finally been struck down with SBATS (Suddenly Becomes a Twat Syndrome). Remember when all Chelsea players seemed to quickly become afflicted with SBATS within a few months of signing? (Joe Cole had it the worst, he went from being one of the nicest lads in football to being a vile, diving, cheating shithouse within weeks). Usually SBATS kicks in fairly quickly when players show up at Stamford Bridge, but with Ivanovic it took a number of years. Maybe his immune system is stronger than most due his neanderthal DNA, but eventually, just like all the others, he succumbed to it as he’s as bad as any of them these days.

 

He’s now one of the worst playactors in the league but never seems to get called on it. One bad shithouse he is, always rolling about trying to get people in trouble. He sounded like a woman in labour after a collision with Barnes near the touchline (picked up by the pitched microphones) and then rolled around a couple of times before leaping to his feet and going to confront him. He’s horrible. I hate his caveman features, I hate his big fat arse and I hate his Popeye forearms.

 

Most people (not me) seem to think Atkinson screwed them over big time against Burnley, but you reap what you sew. I mean come on, refs aren’t stupid. Some might be spineless and weak, but they aren’t stupid. They all know what he’s up to, all this crap is about trying to put pressure on them so if there’re in doubt they’ll lean towards Chelsea for fear of repercussion or being slagged off on Goals on Sunday. You can be sure Kamara and co will be all over it now any time there’s a decision against Chelsea. "Maybe Jose has a point blah blah blah" If you’re a ref though, surely you’d be thinking, “fuck you, you massive helmet” and if there’s any element of doubt in your mind then you’d go the other way just to piss him off.

 

That’s what appears to have happened this time. Martin Atkinson ladies and gentlemen *rapturous applause*

 

Hey guess who’s back? My main man Tim Sherwood, that’s who. I’m made up he’s got himself another job as the Premier League is a duller place without his delusional musings, Adebayor salutes and body warmers, but the bad news is he took the Villa job so he won’t be around the top flight for long.

 

His first game saw them win in the cup but any hope that it was to be the start of some kind of unbeaten run went up in smoke as they lost at home to Stoke. Scott Sinclair put them ahead having also scored in the cup last week, that's the Sherwood effect right there that is, Sinclair might be this season's Adebayor.

 

Diouf headed Stoke back onto level terms just before the break and Ron Vlaar’s mistake led to him conceding a penalty and getting red carded, and with the last kick of the game Moses buried the spot kick to leave Sherwood crestfallen. He’s great though isn’t he? In the build up to the game he basically took the credit for anything good that Spurs have done this season, including turning Harry Kane into a star. The next few months will be fun but I fear that will be the last we see of Timmy boy.

 

Spend your Friday critiquing the captaincy style of Jordan Henderson and then the next day let down the team you are captaining by getting a red card for smacking Tom Huddlestone in the nuts right in front of the referee. *Chandler Bing voice again* Could you BE any more Joey Barton?

 

QPR's ten men battled valiantly and even cancelled out Jelavic’s opener with a good header from my boy Charlie Austin, but they eventually succumbed to a last minute header by N’Doye. Way to lead your team Joey lad. 

 

The only thing I can say about the Palace / Arsenal game is... John Motson. Fucking hell. That was the single worst piece of commentating it’s ever been my misfortune to hear. It was excrutiating from start to finish, not least the ridiculous sex noises after the goals. And how the hell can someone who has been in the game as long as this fool, seem completely shocked by someone converting a penalty? “UUUHHHHHH!” he screamed after Cazorla casually rolled in a spot kick. Seriously man, what the hell?

 

He was so hyped up it was ridiculous, you could understand it if it was his first game (like Phil Neville in the last world cup), but how long has he been doing this? It actually sounded more like someone doing a parody of a Motson commentary, I can’t begin to do it justice, you really needed to hear it yourself to believe how astonishingly bizarre it was. I’m starting to think he does a few lines of coke before the game, as this isn’t normal. Just put the old coot out of his misery and let him commentate in front of his TV in the nursing home.

 

As for the game, Arsenal went 2-0 up, Palace pulled one back in stoppage time and almost equalised with the last kick of the game when Murray hit the post. Fuck off Arsenal. Still, they got theirs in midweek when Monaco handed their arses to them at the Emirates. So, so funny that. At the same time poor old Madonna was taking a header at the Brit Awards Arsenal were like "Oh you think that's funny, wait til you see THIS". Close the door on your way out of Europe. Again. Goons.

 

How about them Mancs eh? For months they've been completely defying all logic by avoiding defeat despite playing like a pub team, but it was only a matter of time before their luck ran out so I wasn’t the least surprised they lost at Swansea.

 

United must have been reading these round ups though, as they’d clearly decided that Gomis is so bad they didn’t need to bother marking him. In fairness it proved a sound strategy as he failed to take advantage of being left all alone on set pieces and didn’t take any of the chances that came his way until he got his giant head in the way of a Jonjo shot and deflected it past De Gea.

 

What about Jonjo though eh? Set up the equaliser for Ki with a great ball and then basically scored the winner himself. And let's not forget that he once yelled at Ferguson and called him a cunt. Good lad, Jonjo.

 

Van Gaal’s interview afterwards was great again too. Asked about how this compared to losing to Swansea at Old Trafford, he replied: “At that time we don’t play good, so I think impact is much bigger. Today we play good I think, only we forget to score”. His English is truly fucking horrendous isn’t it? It’s better than my Dutch, admittedly, but seriously, how come he can’t speak English? Everyone else in Holland speaks it better than most English people. Maybe it’s not his English, maybe he’s just thick? What does he sound like when he’s speaking in Dutch I wonder?

 

I see Falcao’s now been dropped. He has been a massive flop hasn't he? I don’t think enough has been made of that just because it’s a loan deal and seen as being 'low risk'. It might be a loan deal but they’re paying him 300k a week to produce this shit! The worst thing about him though isn’t his poor form, it’s the hairband crimes he’s committing on a week to week basis. You probably won’t be aware of this but there are two golden rules to wearing hairbands. The first is one I've written about before; you never wear one when your hair isn’t long enough to justify it. That rule was broken by the likes of Torres and Fabregas a couple of years ago. The second is that you only ever wear black as any other colour makes you look like a girl. White is only acceptable if you’re playing tennis or you're a woman. Speaking as a proud hairband aficionada, Falcao offends me every time he steps onto the field in that thing. It may also explain his shite form.

 

Newcastle took just 28 seconds to concede a penalty on their way to a 5-0 defeat at City. Impressive levels of “Newcastleness” there to be fair. Another four or five years of what they’ve been doing the last few and they’ll be the new Aston Villa. Let’s face it, someone is going to have to take up the mantle when the real Villa disappear down the leagues faster than you can say Wolverhampton Wanderers. City were impressive and Silva was brilliant, like a left footed Coutinho.

After that performance City went into their game with Barca in confident mood and maybe that explains Pellegrini starting with two up front. There’s a reason why people say it’s suicide doing that against Barcelona, and City found that out to their cost when Suarez & co took them apart in the first half. That was the first time I’ve been able to bring myself to watch Luis since he left, and it was seriously hard going. I wanted him to do well and was pleased to see him scoring, but I’m not gonna lie, it made me sad.

 

We’re doing alright now and we’re all trying to convince ourselves that we’ve moved on and we can still be happy, but then I see that goofy little bastard burying two past Joe Hart and wheeling away in familiar celebration, and it just brings it all home exactly what we lost. Fucking Barcelona, they don’t appreciate him like we did, he’s just another cog in the machine for them. My heart is still broken, it may never mend. *wipes tear* 

 

City booed him, which was pretty smalltime and petty given they’ve got no reason to have beef with him. Luis loves that though and he almost gave them the full 'Norwich treatment'. Hopefully he gets the hat-trick in the second leg though, because fuck City. They were 2-0 down at home in the Champions League, both goals scored by Suarez and there they are, singing the Gerrard / Demba Ba song. Whoppers. They’ve spent more than several third world countries combined but they’re still playing the ‘plucky underdog’ card in Europe and somehow getting away with these low expectations. Just exactly how much do you have to spend before you're expected to be successful in Europe?

 

Elsewhere, Sunderland v West Brom went exactly as you’d have expected. Goalless and dull. West Brom have been Pulis’d and they’re hard to beat now, while Sunderland are just hopeless and can’t score goals. As predictable as Mourinho crying about referees that was.

 

Onto Sunday and the Europa League had clearly taken it’s toll as Spurs and Everton both struggled to home draws while we were battling our way to an uninspired but professional win at Southampton. Spurs went 2-0 down to West Ham and were incredibly fortunate to get anything from the game, needing a last gasp penalty won by Kane with a dive. His kick was saved but he scored the rebound, the spawny twat. Shame they didn’t lose, but it was still two points dropped so I’ll take that as it helps us.

 

Everton on the other hand are completely irrelevant to us now, they’re so far behind us we might lap them before the end of the season. Still, it’s always fun seeing them struggle and the Leicester game was great. Everton were crap but took the lead through Naismith, but just as they did at Anfield on New Year’s Day, Leicester came roaring back and scored twice. They looked like hanging on too, especially as Lukaku was having a shocker and had seven shots off target. At one stage he even was getting booed, which seems a tad ungrateful given he’d scored a hat-trick in Europe just three days earlier. Still, #evertonarentwe

 

It looked like Lukaku had grabbed the equaliser with a diving header until replays showed his effort was probably hitting the corner flag until it hit Upson’s big fat head. Harsh on Leicester, but that point doesn’t really do Everton much good either. They won’t go down as there are some seriously bad teams below them, but it will be fun to see them in a bit of a scrap, just like the good old days.

 

Everton this week released a promotional video to try and sell season tickets for next year. It’s a work of true genius as to the rest of the world it’s a parody making fun of Evertonians, but to Evertonians it’s spine tingling and brings a tear to the eye. “Evertonians are born…” says boyhood Red Leighton Baines. “…not manufactured” adds Ross ‘soon to be off to City, Chelsea or wherever’ Barkley. Apparently it was produced by a Red, so top marks to that man. Take a bow son, take a bow.

 

If you haven't seen it, enjoy...

 

 

 

Dave


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Hey Dave, if you hadn't said, i taught you produced the video #quality

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I hate his caveman features, I hate his big fat arse and I hate his Popeye forearms.

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Although I agree that Chelsea cannot be held responsible for the behaviour on the Paris metro, there is something badly wrong about that club. Was anyone even slightly surprised about the Paris and St Pancras stories? Not anyone who has ever been anywhere near their vile supporters for sure. The club alpha is a player who has been fired and ostracised from his national team after his shocking racist language saw him prosecuted. Would it be acceptable for Steven Gerrard to have used language like that and still be captain of our club? Or Carrick/Rooney? Jagielka?

 

Then some knuckle-dragger from one of their fan groups comes on the radio and says, in so many words, 'the fella on the metro said he'd been subject to racism all his life so I don't know why he is getting all pissy about this'.

 

Costa is complaining that he gets treated differently to other players. True. That's because most other players aren't cheating snides.

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Everton on the other hand are completely irrelevant to us now, they’re so far behind us we might lap them before the end of the season

 

snotted my lunch out when I read that - superb sir

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