The new season kicked off the same way the last one ended; with everyone laughing at Manchester United. So much for their unbeaten pre-season anyway. We’re always told that pre-season results mean nothing, and yet how many so called experts were falling over themselves to tell us that United were "back" and Van Gaal was going lead them back to the top this season?
Rio Ferdinand was one of many saying that United will win the title, in his words because "they have a good manager and the right captain in Rooney (who he also said would be the top goalscorer in the country)". Jesus Christ. The Verve put it best I think, the drugs don’t work, they just make you worse… Just say no kids, just say no.
This “United will get top four” bandwagon is completely insulting to the six sides who finished above them last season. They finished 7th and then lost Ferdinand, Vidic and Evra. That’s three of their first choice back four. They’ve signed a fat 18 year old left back and a midfielder many of us wouldn’t be able to pick out of a line up (nice little player, basically the Spanish Joe Allen though) and they’ve still got the likes of Chris Smalling and Darren Fletcher in their team (they even made him vice captain!). Van Gaal may be good but he’s not Superman. Far from it, in fact he looks like he was sketched by the fella who created Beavis and Butthead and King of the Hill.
The notion that they’re going to break back into the top four this season is ludicrous unless they bring in two or three shit hot new players this window. Just who do these United loving media types think are dropping out of the top four to allow them back in? Us probably, just because Suarez has gone. Sorry, we’d have to lose a lot more than Suarez for United to overhaul us.
I didn’t watch them in pre-season other than when they played us, but I did have a look at their line ups for a few of the games. I just assumed Van Gaal was just having a look at all of their squad players and wanted to give some kids a chance, just as we were doing in our games. Then I saw the starting line up to face Swansea and realised that this is actually their team!! Haha I’d never even heard of two of them, and I bet a sizeable chunk of the United "fans" around the world hadn't either.
Ashley Young at left wing back? Really? Lingard at right wing back? I honestly thought he was the back up keeper. Google has since informed me that is in fact Lindegaard, and Lingard is an attacking midfielder who normally plays central. They may as well have played Lindegaard for all the use the other kid was. He looked like a fish out of water before going off injured.
Januzaj was sent on to play wing back in his place. Tell you what, I hope they do that when we play them as Sterling will run riot. It looks to me like Van Gaal had some success playing 3-5-2 at the World Cup and he’s decided he’s gonna stick with it, regardless of all the square pegs he’ll have to shove in round holes. Long may it continue I say.
They were shite in the first half and trailed to a quality goal by Ki, which came after a whopping 29 passes. He’s a good player that lad, he was boss when Sunderland gave us a bit of a scare at Anfield late last season too. The most notable moment of the half though was when Young was yelling at Rooney and suddenly ended up with a mouthful of bird shit. A couple of weeks ago there was a piece in the Echo about how there are 4,000 scouse seagulls now living in Liverpool City Centre. Co-incidence? I think not. Anything you like it was one of those bad boys that dumped one into Young’s piehole. Bet he couldn’t wait to fly back and tell his mates too. “Should av seen it lad, it went raar down his gob!”
The Swansea fans were taking the piss out of the mancs all afternoon by singing “You’re Man United, your captain is scouse”. They really are gormless bastards those mancs though, yelling “You scouse bastard” at Shelvey, a South London kid playing for a Welsh team, and in the next breath chanting “Rooney! Rooney!”. I’d pity them if they weren’t so loathsome and dense. First game of a new season, with a new manager on board and who were they singing about for most of the first half? Why Steven Gerrard of course.
Those Gerrard taunts fizzled out eventually as the ineptitude of their team own team began to sink in and shut them up. The tactical genius changed it at half time and went to a back four. United were a bit better and equalised from a corner when Shrek overhead kicked one in from close range. As all the United tipsters sat back and relaxed, expecting Van Gaal’s men to go on and win the game, suddenly they were behind again when Sigurdsson bundled a shot home.
Swansea were good value for it, they played the better football and were the more organised unit. The Mancs just became desperate and ended up with Screech up front and Mata and Januzaj punting diagonal balls to him. Poor old Moyesy must have been sat at home muttering “if I’d have done that they’d have crucified me” He was also no doubt telling anyone who’d listen “I battered Swansea on opening day last year y'know, and it was at their place. I’m just sayin’ like..”
United had never lost at home in the league to Swansea, and they hadn’t lost a home opener in my lifetime. Moyes was breaking records all last season but Van Gaal is on course to eclipse him.
Elsewhere on Saturday, Arsenal almost dropped two points at home to Palace but the bastards got out of jail with a stoppage time winner they barely deserved. The only thing stopping me from having a full on “Arsenal beef” is Chelsea. I could quite easily have a serious hate for Arsenal if Chelsea weren’t there hogging it all, the greedy bastards.
Arsenal though, I’m not really sure what’s brought all this resentment on all of a sudden. As a club they’re doing things the right way and not cheating like Chelsea and City. I honestly don’t mind Wenger and most of the players don’t even register on the cunt scale (Wilshere being the glaring exception). I guess my beef with them must be the fans, who are the biggest wankers on the internet. Honestly, just look at Arsenal fans on twitter, they’re completely insufferable, arrogant ballbags.
I think the reason for them suddenly appearing on my radar is twofold. First, it was the Suarez stuff from a year ago. And secondly, it’s the fact that we are relevant again. When we’re bumming around in 7th with the sole ambition of trying to finish above Everton, Arsenal simply aren’t an issue for me. In fact, with us not having a dog in the race when it comes to the title, I’d usually be hoping Arsenal did well if it meant them finishing above United or Chelsea. It was the same with City too I suppose.
Now that we’re up there again, I fucking hate everyone as they’re all a threat. Except United, I just hate them out of habit these days.
Palace did better than expected given the ridiculous situation with Pulis. No idea what happened there, I don’t care either. I’m more concerned with whether they are smart enough to give my main man Tim the job instead of that Malky Mackay loser. As Tim himself said, “there are some top managers out there, of which I’m certainly one”. Come on Palace, you know it makes sense.
Sherwood also had a little niggle at his successor at Spurs, saying “Someone reminded me of what Pochettino said when Southampton lost to my Spurs team in October. Apparently, he said that while Southampton were a “young team”, Spurs were “equipped to win the Premier League”. Given that he has not had to sell any big players this summer, in the way that the club lost Gareth Bale a year ago, and the seven new signings have had a year to settle, I can only presume he believes that Spurs can win the title this season too.” Ah the old ’someone reminded me’ routine. Gerard Houllier used to pull that one all the time (so did Rafa actually), when usually it was something that had been eating away at him for a long time.
It will be interesting to see how Palace cope without Pulis as before his arrival they looked nailed on to go down. They put up a good fight at the Emirates but let in two bad goals. Not a great start for my boy Jason Puncheon though who was sent off for two bookable offences. He’ll be back though, and I wouldn’t want to be facing Palace when his suspension is up. *checks fixtures to make sure we aren’t the unfortunate ones…. phew!*
Everton were held to a draw at newly promoted Leicester. I only knew four or five names from the home side, one of whom was Konchesky who I barely recognised as he’s now got a head of hair. I always assumed he suffered the same affliction as Jonjo and was simply unable to grow hair, when it turns out he actually chose to be a baldy all of those years. Why on earth would anyone choose to be bald? For someone such as myself, with a wonderful, thick, flowing head of hair, that’s almost incomprehensible, akin to a facial tattoo or something. I just look and say “Why would you want to do that to yourself?”
Look, I’m not having a go at all of you slapheads who are now reading this and calling me all sorts of nasty names. I realise that not everyone is as follically blessed as myself, and for those who have receding hairlines or an egg in the nest, it’s perfectly understandable that you’d just shave the whole lot off as it makes you feel like you still have some control of the situation (the less said about those unfortunate souls in denial with combovers the better). But if you can grow a full head of hair but choose not to, that’s just a criminal waste if you ask me.
Anyway, McGeady’s terrific strike gave Everton the lead but Leciester hit back through Ulloa. It’s pronounced Oojoah for some reason, and he cost them £8m from Brighton. It can't just be me that has never heard of him, but he cost £8m! When you see that it shows just what a steal Loic Remy would have been if he didn’t have that dicky ticker.
Naismith restored Everton’s lead with a good finish (he might be the best shit player in the league) but they got lucky when that crab Barry should have been sent off. He was yellow carded for sticking his fat arse in the way of a Leicester player, and then did the exact same thing a few minutes later but the ref Peter Jones shit out of giving him a second yellow.
Leicester kept plugging away though and equalised through substitute Chris Wood with just four minutes to go. He’s one player I have heard of, I remember him from my World Cup sticker album four years ago. I think he played for West Brom at the time and he was meant to be a big prospect. Four years on he’s on Leicester’s bench. I expect that's not really how he saw his life panning out.
Leicester have a really tough start, following up the Everton game with a trip to Chelsea before taking on Arsenal. Ruud Gullit didn’t think it was so bad though, pointing out that “after that they have Stoke, Manchester United and Palace so you can get some points out of those” hahaha love that. I actually quite enjoyed Gullit on MOTD, he was alright.
It’s going to be a little weird watching MOTD without Jocky this season, but it looks as though the Beeb’s strategy for replacing him is to just make life as uncomfortable for Alan Shearer as possible. Pairing him up with Gullit? Awkward. They’ve got Neil Lennon to call on for next week if they want, but if they wanted to be really cruel they could always give Bellers a call, he’s not up to much now that he’s retired. They could make that particular show ‘pay per view’ and make a killing.
Moving on, and Sunderland and West Brom played out an entertaining 2-2 draw at the Hawthorns. Lee Cattermole put the Mackems ahead with a screamer. Goals from him come around about as often as trophies at Newcastle. I thought Craig Gardner was wearing the wrong kit but it turns out he joined the Baggies this summer. Why would Sunderland allow him to leave, he was one of their best players wasn't he?
Berahino levelled from the spot after Alehouse Vic did that one and only move he has (you know it, the one where he lets it run across him and uses his huge frame to roll the defender) and then went down far too easily and conned the ref. Berahino grabbed another goal late on and that looked to be enough to give the home side the points until Seb Larsson popped up with a deserved equaliser.
Poyet wasn’t happy though, saying “I don’t want to get in trouble but I’m very disappointed that this happened in the first game of the season and I don’t want to talk about Anichebe”. I'm not worried abou tgetting in trouble and am more than happy to talk about Anichebe, the cheating blueshite. Is that the kind of thing they teach at the school of science these days?
Spurs began this season in the same way they did the last, with a spawny 1-0 win they barely deserved. At least it wasn’t a dodgy Soldado pen this time. West Ham did get a pen though, which they fucking missed, the useless jellied eel eating gobshites. Tottenham losing would have added to a decent weekend. Mark Noble never misses pens, but he ballsed this one right up. The decision to give a pen was correct but it seemed harsh to also send Naughton off. He blocked it with his hands but it wasn’t intentional. Still, it’s only Spurs so never mind eh?
West Ham couldn’t take advantage of the extra man and ended up down to ten themselves when James Collins picked up two yellows. Eric Dier (who?) won it for Spurs with the last kick of the game. Pocchetino did his interview in English afterwards, and I barely understood a word of it. Can we bring back his interpreter for next week, or did Spurs not want to shell out for him? Actually, we probably snapped him up.
One person we didn’t snap up of course was Remy, who lined up for QPR against Hull at Loftus Road. Hull sold Shane Long recently, which was a bit of a shock. Presumably they felt they couldn’t turn down the £12m, but even so surely they’d have been better keeping him, given that his partnership with Jelavic was looking good and would only get better. They brought in Tom Ince, who the MOTD commentator claimed “turned down Inter Milan to join Hull”. Now there’s a sentence you don’t hear often. Why? Because it’s bullshit, no-one has ever, or will ever, turned down Inter Milan to join Hull.
Chester got the only goal of the game but QPR should have come away with a point after referee Craig Pawson awarded them a ludicrous penalty. Charlie Austin missed the spot kick, but why wouldn’t Remy be taking their pens? He’s their best player by a distance and he’s a goalscorer. Maybe he doesn’t have the hea… no, I'm not going there, that's not nice.
Hey guess what, Aston Villa won! I did not see that coming. After their summer dealings I thought they’d struggle to win a game all season. Joe Cole, Aly Cissokho, Kieran Richardson, Philip Senderos…. Hey Paul Lambert, Footy Manager 2007 called, it wants it’s wonderkids back.
Weimann got the only goal of the game with a good strike, and Villa were probably good value for it as Stoke were gash. That Alan Hutton is a bit fat isn’t he? I can’t believe he’s still at Villa, he hasn’t played for years, I thought they’d sold him to Cowdenbeath or somewhere more suitable for his ‘talents’. Despite them winning this one, I’m still tipping Villa for relegation this year, they’ve just got too many bad players.
Onto Sunday, and City won 2-0 at St James’ Park. I’m hoping Newcastle go down with Villa this year you know. The conduct of their fans at Anfield on the last day of last season was so small time I wish them nothing but continued mediocrity and repeated disappointment at the hands of Mike Ashley. Fuck them, the sad geordie bastards.
After coming out of Anfield I got back to the car, put the radio on and the first thing I heard was the “Gerrard / Demba Ba” song. “Fucking City, the classless pricks” I thought. I’m not sure it was them though, as it was pretty loud and given that the away fans are shoved up in the rafters it’s unlikely they’d come across so clearly on the radio. So that would suggest the Geordies are still singing about it, the sad fucks.
City didn’t need any dodgy decisions from the linesman to bail them out this year either, although Newcastle had plenty of chances on the day and could easily have had a draw.
What’s with the hype around that Remy Cabella fella though? It seems pink boots and a stupid haircut is enough to give you a big reputation these days. I’d never heard of him until this weekend, but the MOTD commentator was tonguing his balls all game even though he didn’t actually do anything of note. After one chip that went six yards over the bar he declared “audacious, ambitious, confident, cheeky, call it what you want”. Six yards over the bar from the edge of the box? Yeah, I’ll just call it crap if it’s all the same to you mate.
He looks like a right tit so he’ll fit right in up there, but because he showed some flashes of ability you just know that every kid in Newcastle - as well as half the grown ups, including the women - will be walking around this week with the same daft haircut.
Silva put City ahead after an exquisite back heel from Dzeko and substitute Aguero came off the bench to wrap it up after the break. City are still the team to beat, despite all the media fawning over Chelsea.
Speaking of whom, I couldn’t bring myself to watch their game at Burnley on Monday night. It’s just not good for my mental health, the depth of pure unadulterated hatred I’ve got for them is getting out of control. Honestly, just thinking about them impacts my mood in a hugely negative way, so whenever possible I’m going to avoid watching them.
I’d say it’s nailed on that Costa is going to be the most hated player in the league season, if Chelsea as a club could be encapsulated in one player (aside from Mongo) it would be that horrible bastard Costa. I hear he got booked for diving. The first of many if his previous is any indication.
Cesc “If I ever wear a Chelsea shirt, you have permission to kill me.” Fabregas looked good too apparently. God I hate Chelsea. It’s hard to even enjoy football at all right now just knowing that these cunts even exist. It’s going to be a long season.
Dave
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