Not a great week for Spurs as Karma bitch slapped them around a bit after their shameful Harry Kane shenanigans last week. They got dicked at home by Man City on Saturday and then dropped two more points at Brighton in midweek, putting us in control of our own destiny for third spot.
City were brilliant at Wembley. I’m glad about that for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because fuck Spurs. Secondly, because we’ve beaten them three times in the space of as many months it’s been downplayed just how impressive they are. Like it or not, City have generally been brilliant this season, but we’re their Kryptonite. Just because we can turn them over doesn’t make them any less impressive. It just shows how dangerous we are.
They've been helped by loads of opponents having "Mike Tyson syndrome" whereby they're beaten before they even start because they're terrified of getting battered, but there's no getting away from the fact that City have been miles better than everyone else over the course of the season. They'll top 100 goals and there's a good chance they'll top 100 points too.
Having lost twice to us though and also allowed United to pull off a flukey win last week, City went into this game looking a bit vulnerable. Spurs have been flying and will have fancied their chances but they were quickly put back in their box as City tore them apart early on. Sane was relishing the sudden freedom of life outside Trent’s pocket and he smashed a volley against the post in the opening minutes. Bless him, he was like a dog that had been cooped up all day and then let loose in the garden. He just wanted to run and run.
De Bruyne then found space and fizzed a rasping shot just wide. Not like him to miss the target, but he was probably a little surprised at the room he had and was looking around wondering why Milner wasn’t attached to him like a limpet.
Jesus ran clear of Sanchez to latch onto a long ball and give City the lead. Sterling was then awarded penalty by Fat Jon Moss when Loris clipped him outside the box. Sterling wasn’t trying to go around the keeper and he got his pass away to his intended target before he was caught. Plus it was outside the box so Spurs weren’t happy, but fuck them.
It was a difficult one for Moss because he’s used to helping out both of these teams with shitty decisions, but now one of them was going to suffer because of it. Must have been a nightmare for him, the poor guy.
Gundogan buried the pen but it was a strange one. He came at it from a weird angle and the ball looked like it could only be going in one place. It did go in that place (and it was inch perfect right in the corner) but for some reason Lloris dived the other way.
Defensively Spurs were a mess and it was mostly that Sanchez kid. It always surprises me they don’t get caught out a lot more than they do because they play such a high line and leave loads of room in behind. I always fancy us to exploit that and City were taking them to the cleaners with balls in behind.
Davies then nailed Kompany with a proper shithouse tackle that most refs would have produced a red card for. Jon Moss though. *shakes head* Fucking useless. Davies didn’t face any retroactive punishment either, which is a bit much considering Marcos Alonso got done this week for a tackle that was very similar. Not getting into which was worse, they were both bad and it’s bizarre that one got suspended and the other didn’t. Fucking Spurs, sick of them getting away with shit. I actually hope Chelsea pip them to fourth you know.
Lamela then dived to try to win a penalty (as he does) but Moss wasn’t buying it. Well of course he wasn’t, Liverpool weren’t the opposition. He didn’t book Lamela though, the massive shithouse. Probably just had a quiet word about 'save those for when you're playing those scouse cunts'.
Eriksen pulled one back when the ball ricocheted onto his shin and ended up in the net. Sterling missed his customary sitter before then scoring his customary tap in. He missed another great chance soon after following one of the best passes of the season from De Bruyne. Just a glorious touch from De Bruyne that was.
Guardiola was all sweetness and light in his post match interview, kissing the BBC interviewer's arse and being dead nice and smiley. Fucking bell. The difference in him when things go his way to when they don’t is huge. Say what you like about Mourinho, and God knows I do, but at least he is consistent in that he’s an obnoxious cunt whether they win lose or draw. Egghead Pep is a fake nice guy, don’t let him fool you.
Moving on, and Chelsea looked like they were going to make it easy for us to secure a top four spot when they went two down at Southampton, but the Saints crumbled at the first sign of pressure and lost 3-2. That’s why they’re going down despite having more talent than anyone outside the top half.
Tadic gave them a great start when he converted following great play by Bertrand, who will surely leave if they go down. If Moreno decides he wants to move on I’d be happy enough with Bertrand sharing duties with Robbo next year, unless of course the rule has been changed about us having to buy someone from Southampton in every transfer window.
Some Polish lad I’ve never heard of made it 2-0 but Giroud gave Chelsea a lifeline with a nice header. Alonso delivered the cross, so you can see why Southampton felt doubly aggrieved. Alonso was also involved in the equaliser, scored by Hazard, and just rub further salt in the wounds he won the free-kick from which Giroud hit the winner. You know what makes it even worse, it wasn’t even a free-kick, Alonso was pulling the shirt of Romeu and then just fell over. Mike Dean ladies and gentlemen. Basically a bald Jon Moss.
Palace v Brighton was surprisingly good. My boy Zaha fired Palace in front from about one inch out. Even Sterling would have struggled to miss that one. Tomkins doubled their lead but Murray fired in from a yard out (known as a "50-50 chance for Sterling) to get Brighton back in it. My boy Wilf’s second of the game restored Palace’s two goal cushion but Brighton wouldn’t lay down and Izquierdo’s terrific solo effort got them back within one. All this happened in the first 33 minutes of the game. Brighton pushed hard for an equaliser but were repeatedly denied by Hennessey and Sakho.
Palace are virtually safe now and on the face of it Hodgson has done a good job there considering where they were when he took over. It’s hard giving him too much credit though when you look at their record any time Zaha isn’t playing. I don’t think they’ve won a game without him and they only have one, maybe two draws. Without Zaha Palace would be West Brom.
Huddersfield had a massive win at home to Watford when Tom Ince grabbed a dramatic last gasp winner that might be the difference between staying up or going down. Good for them, their fighting spirit and work ethic puts the likes of Stoke and Southampton to shame.
I’m not a fan of mascots in general, but I can’t deny that it was funny as fuck seeing the Huddersfield mascot sat dejectedly at pitch side late in the game and then going mad when they scored with the last kick. I'm not sure why it was so funny, it just was. A grown man in a Yorkshire Terrier costume with a Huddersfield kit on just can't not be funny. He pisses all over that Gunnersaurus loser, and don’t even get me started on ‘Fred the Red’, ‘Harry the Hornet’ and that fucking monstrosity we have at Anfield.
I see Jerome Sinclair got a few minutes off the bench late on for Watford. Hows turning down that contract at Liverpool working out for you, lad? He’s basically swapped our reserves for Watford’s reserves, but no doubt he got a pay rise so jobs a good ‘un, eh? Thats what you get for listening to Fat Aidy Ward. Enjoy your career in League One or Scotland.
How about Burnley eh? They had a wobble at the turn of the year but they’ve come on strong again recently and having beaten Leicester at the weekend they’ve locked up 7th at least, and they’re chasing down Arsenal for 6th. I really hope they get it, not because I have any love for Burnley but because I want to see how Club Shop Ty tries to spin that into a positive, and whether Claude or DT can resist the urge to beat him to death with his Arsenal headphones.
Leicester gave a debut to Choudry in midfield. You’ll know him because he’s like Carlos Valderrama’s stunt double, only with black hair. He’s pretty good actually, I’ve seen him play against our u23s a couple of times and he really stands out, and not just because of the old ‘hair bear bunch’ look he’s got going on.
Wood put Burnley in front early, and Kevin Long added a quick second. Who the fuck is he? Never seen him before but apparently this was his first goal for four years, so he’s obviously been at Burnley a while. How come I’ve never seen him before, and why has he stayed there if he’s not playing?
Hang on, I see whats going on here. Classic Dyche. He is going to sell Tarkowski to Everton for £40m this summer and just promote this lad in his place, and he’ll be miles better, making Everton look like mugs again. Crafty. I like it.
Vardy made it interesting with a typically crisp finish and although Leicester had chances to equalise they couldn’t convert any and Burnley held on.
Swansea missed a chance to really pull themselves away from the bottom three when they were held at home by a pitiful Everton side. It was the last game on MOTD, as you’d expect as no-one wants to watch Everton, not even their own fans.
Nothing demonstrates the poor quality of the league this year than Everton’s presence in the top half. They’re fucking terrible and their fans will tell you that themselves. They’ll be telling their club too, on those questionnaires that were sent to them.
Just what the fuck is that about? What kind of club sends out a questionnaire asking the fans what they think of the manager? They’re a fucking shambles. Allardyce said that it was some marketing dick’s idea and that Kenwright has apologised to him over it. When he was asked how he’d rate himself out of ten he said “Piss off! Eleven”. Vintage.
Imagine being Theo Walcott though, the daft bastard. He saw what his mate Ox did and thought “I need to get out of here too” but he’s ended up in football hell while Ox is playing a starring role in a team that is one step away from a Champions League final.
Sunday now, and Arsenal’s away day woes continued as they lost at Newcastle despite taking the lead. Here’s a fact I wasn’t aware of it until this weekend. Arsenal haven’t picked up a single point away from home in 2018. Not one point. Five away defeats on the spin. Fucking hell, they really are a spineless shower aren’t they?
Lacazette’s early volley should have set them on their way to victory but they’re just such bad shithouses aren’t they? The most mentally weak bunch of players in the entire league. No wonder their fans are so pissed off all the time.
That Ayoze Perez scored for the third game in a row (not sure how that’s even possible, but then Lucas managed it recently in Italy so that puts it in some perspective I guess) and Ritchie bagged the winner.
Lots of talk now about Shelvey maybe gatecrashing the World Cup squad. Well he’s got more business being there than Jack Wheelchair, but you know it will all end in tears (either of disappointment or laughter, depending on your international allegiances) when he chins some poor bastard from Panama and gets sent off in a draw that sees England eliminated in disgrace.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Jonjo and he’s massively talented. But he’s thick as fuck and has a short fuse. That’s never a good combination at a World Cup. See also Beckham and Rooney.
Also on Sunday, West Brom won at Old Trafford thanks to a late goal from Rodriguez. I like him, he’s a good player who always works his nuts off. He can defo play on the “All Usher XI” now that he's been cleared of the arl racialism. I was actually thinking of selecting one of those at the end of the season but it’s hard because I never have any keepers or defenders as the players I like are always forwards for some reason.
Anyway, what an embarrassment that result was for United. A week ago they stopped City winning the league and were celebrating like they’ve won it themselves. A week later they’re handing it to them anyway because they can’t win at home against a team that is already relegated.
Yeah, I said it. They handed it to City. Mourinho doesn’t like people saying that but tough shit. That’s what they did. No-one is saying City haven’t won the league themselves but the fact remains they did not have to win it on the field because United half arsed it against West Brom. Of course City would have won it themselves next week, but they didn’t need to.
Why? Because United are shit. The worst second placed team I can ever remember. Nobody knows how they’re so high in the table, not even their own fans.
It’s one of the biggest mysteries in football. Like how does that Edinson Cavani loser score so many goals, or how does Alan Pardew still keep getting managerial gigs. Speaking of Pards, James McLean burned him bad after this one, saying they’re doing better now because they have a manager who is “likeable” and that “It obviously helps when you go out on the pitch knowing what you’re doing – as individuals and as a team”.
Guardiola was on the golf course when he heard they'd won it. He was playing in a four ball that included European Ryder Cup star Tommy Fleetwood. Tommy is from Southport and is an Evertonian. Like most Evertonians it appears he's happy to bask in the reflected glory of manc success.
Mourinho was funny afterwards though. He ripped his players for being too wrapped up in beating City a week earlier and said “not me though, I’ve got eight titles. Beating City is nothing to me other than three points”. You know, he’s right, but those players must really hate him given the way he’s always making them look like knobs.
Onto Monday now, and Stoke are still rooted in the bottom three after conceding an equaliser to Big Andy on Monday night. Crouchy (bless him) had given them the lead but they couldn’t hold on. The point isn’t really much use to them, as they need to start winning or they’re fucked. It’s another point towards safety for Moyesy though. He’s not been quite as shit as everyone thought he’d be, but give it time.
We’re one Andy Carroll goal away from a barrage of hot takes about how Southgate should call him up as a ‘Plan B’ or an ‘X Factor’ for the World Cup because he brings ‘something different’. What’s that? It started already? After one goal? Really? *Googles* Wow, so it has. Fair play to Danny Mills and Noel Hunt for getting in there first. Some top level hot taking there.
Meanwhile, Spurs were held at Brighton on Tuesday. Kane put them ahead with a shot that hit Brighton defender Bruno on its way in. Imagine the ‘epic social media bantz’ if Bruno actually claimed the goal and appealed to the dodgy goals panel. He defo should do, I reckon he’d have the whole of the football world (except Spurs) backing him and it’d be fucking hilarious.
Brighton equalised from the penalty spot and held on for a valuable point. Good for them, good for us too. They’re not safe yet because they’ve got a brutal run in, but given that neither Stoke or Southampton look capable of beating anyone they should be fine.
Shame Bournemouth couldn’t have done us a similar favour on Wednesday against United. I didn’t watch it, why would I? Actually that’s not strictly true this time as I watched about five minutes of it until United took the lead, then I sacked it right off, obviously. We need them to drop points somewhere along the road, two draws would do it if we win every game, but looking at who they have left I’m not holding my breath.
Arsenal (h), Brighton (a), West Ham (a), Watford (h). I’d back Brighton or West Ham to get something before I would Arsenal, so it kind of feels like Bournemouth were our last hope.
It’s been a weird week with games every night for some reason. Not sure why there were two games on Thursday, but there were. Southampton drew 0-0 at Leicester which isn’t much good to either of them.
Chelsea won at Burnley thanks to a goal from Victor Moses. He’s reverted back to the mean this season, which begs the question just what the hell happened last season? That was such a freak year in the context of the rest of his career, both before and now after. It’s like someone altered all of his attributes before last season and then realised their mistake and bumped them back down last summer.
Chelsea’s first goal was an oggy by Kevin Long. To think that Dyche plans on selling Tarkowski to Everton and promoting this fella in his place. Stupid. I don’t like it.
Ashley Barnes - who is running away with the ‘best shit player’ award for this season - got Burnley level but Moses beat Pope to seal a win that will have been celebrated as much by Arsenal as Chelsea. Imagine that, Chelsea playing Burnley and Arsenal needed Chelsea to win. What a fucking joke Arsenal have become.
I can’t end this without comment on the PFA Team of the Year. Most of it was as you’d expect, including Firmino being overlooked for Aguero. I knew that was coming even though it is a travesty. There’s a massive blind spot in football for just how fucking ace Bobby is, and anyone who thinks Aguero (who to be fair is actually great himself) has had a better season than Firmino just doesn’t know football.
The one glaring inclusion that really got me was at centre back. Vertonghen was a worthy selection, I’d have picked him too, but his partner? *Eddie Murphy voice* Get the fuck outta here.
They say you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Unless you’re Nicolas Otamendi.
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