Day 4 saw Serbia get off to a winning start as Kolorov’s superb free kick saw off Costa Rica. They were worthy winners and if that Mitrovic loon could finish they’d have won much more comfortably. Serbia looked decent. They’ve got some good players, particularly that Milinkovic-Savic lad from Lazio who the Mancs are meant to be after.
He looks a class act and I’m sure Jose just can’t wait to drain all of that flair out of him. He’s got his first name on his shirt but in this case I’ll allow it as he’d either need to have a shirt the size of Tranmere defender Ste McNulty’s to be able to fit his surname across the back of it, or they'd have to use font so small you'd need to be a hawk to be able to read it. And as far as I'm aware, hawks can't read.
Hopefully Serbia will win their next game too so we might see the rare lesser spotted Marko Grujic get a run out. He’s a really good player I reckon but he probably shouldn’t have come here as he was never going to play. The last two years of his career have been wasted. This happens to so many promising foreign youngsters that a move to a top six club in England should come with a government health warning.
Next up on Sunday, Germany got turned over in the afternoon game. Cracking fun this one and Mexico were really good. It was mad just how open Germany were to counter attacks though and if Mexico were actually any good at them they’d have won by more. They kept making a mess of them until they finally got one right and scored. Brilliant move it was and it was well finished by the lively Lozano. Everton want him, apparently. Yeah, good luck with that.
They had other chances but eventually Germany figured it out and shut the back door. The longer it went the more the Germans came into it but they never really clicked and Mexico’s work rate was impressive throughout, not least my boy Hector Herrera in midfield. He was one of my favourite players at the last tournament and he’s started this one with a bang. Great performance from him. My boy.
I didn’t see this result coming at all but it doesn’t really shake my belief that Germany will win the tournament. This might even give them the kick up the arse they need, as the way they started this game reeked of complacency. No room for that now, they're in win or go home territory already.
I’m sounding like my arl fella now, as when I was a kid every time the World Cup or Euros came around I’d hear the same shit from him. “You can never count out the Germans” or “My money is on the Germans, they always find a way to get to the final”. It used to piss me off, because this was happening even when they were clearly shite.
The thing that really annoyed me though was that even when they were shite they usually did somehow end up in the final and then I’d have to hear “you see, I told you, never write off the Germans”. A lot of English people hated the Germans because of the wars and the fact they nearly always knock England out of major tournaments. Me? I hated them because they kept proving my Dad right.
I’ve seen a lot of people writing them off this year, even before this game, and I’ve found myself spouting some of those same tired old clichés I heard throughout my younger years. They weren’t good against Mexico but I expect they’ll figure it out as they go. They usually do. "Don't back against the Germans".
I like Mexico though. They were lively, positive and their fans are great. Along with Peru they’ve generated the best atmosphere so far.
Rafael Marquez came off the bench and the commentators were waxing lyrical about how this is his fifth World Cup. Jogi Low was like, hold my beer, here’s Mario Gomez playing in his ninth.
I’m not sure how many years I’ve been doing these round ups for the big tournaments, but I do know that in every one I’ve been staggered when I discovered that Gomez was still in the Germany squad. Feels like he’s been in their set up since Euro 96. Miroslav Klose must be pissed off at being left out in favour on someone even older than he is.
*googles* Mario Gomez is 32?? FUCK OFF! Not having that, he’s clearly edited his own wiki page.
He's as bad as my arl fella. Honestly, I only found out my Dad's exact age when I was in my mid twenties. Up until then any time anyone asked him he used to just say "29". He was 29 for the first 25 years of my life. Not even kidding. It drove me mad not knowing, and what's worse is my Mum never ratted him out either. He even carried it on after I found his birth certificate and presented him with it. "That's not mine. You've forged that".
The only reason he dropped the pretence was because he realised I was actually getting close to 'his age' so he then added ten years to it and started afresh from there, only this time he would actually add a year to his age with every birthday rather than trying to maintain the ludicrous Peter Pan act.
Speaking of boys who never grow up (fucking seamless segue there, even if I say so myself), I see Javier Hernandez has finally ditched ‘Chicarito’ from his shirt. Either he’s finally realised he’s a 30 year old man, or FIFA just wouldn’t allow it. Either way, it’s a good thing for football. Now if we can just stop Jonathon Pearce and Phil Neville from calling him ‘Cheechareeto” that would be sound. Better yet, just get rid of the pair of them, the annoying fucks.
Mats Hummels had a moan afterwards about his midfield and forwards not tracking back. He was right but it made him look a right twat, not least because of the way he was jogging back on the counter attack from which Mexico scored.
Controversial, unpopular opinion alert: Mats Hummels is massively over-rated and Dejan Lovren is better. Come at me, I don't care.
The other tournament favourites, Brazil, didn’t cover themselves in glory on Day 4 either. Not that I’m too surprised by that as I don’t rate them as highly as everyone else seems to.
Coutinho put them ahead and I think we all knew that was a goal before he even took the shot. We’ve seen that movie loads of times so we know how it ends. As soon as his first touch shifted it out of his feet that was only ever going in one place. Great goal. Little bastard.
They didn’t build on it though and as the first half wore on the Swiss were getting more and more of the ball. Brazil were even more uninspired in the second half and Switzerland levelled from a corner. I’m a little surprised the goal stood though as there was a clear nudge in the back of Miranda.
Big Slav summed up most of our thoughts on that though when he was asked why it wasn’t disallowed by VAR. “To be honest, I don’t care”. Quite. He is back on top form after a shaky start to the tournament. All things being equal, he’s probably my favourite pundit.
For years Brazil have frustrated me though. They play in little fits and starts and I always feel short changed by them. I used to think it was because they were complacent and would just do enough without really extending themselves too much, but eventually I realised its because it’s not 1982 and they are no longer any more special than anybody else.
Tell you what else does my head in (although this is not their fault), all the fucking bandwagon jumpers they attract every tournament. All these whoppers from other countries, many of whom probably don’t even like footy, wearing Brazil shirts and dancing with the Brazil fans as though they’re on the Copa Cabana. Just fuck off, glory hunting wankers.
I want Brazil to fall flat on their faces and nothing would please me more in this competition if they conceded seven again. Ok that’s not true, I want France to fail even more and I want to see Sergio Ramos seriously injured. Brazil getting twatted is third on the list.
Wait, no. I’ll also take England going out in the most heartbreaking of circumstances and Harry Kane somehow being held responsible for it. And Suarez getting sent off for biting Coutinho would be great too. Brazil getting spanked in the knock outs would also be good though.
The worst thing about Brazil though is definitely that prancing cunt Neymar. I can’t stand him. He’s all of the things I despise about Pogba with the notable exceptions of 1) not playing for United and 2) not being shit. At least Pogba isn’t a massive crying fanny though.
Neymar has the lowest pain tolerance of any footballer I’ve ever seen. Almost every bit of physical contact causes him to roll around the floor in agony. I know he gets fouled more than most because he’s so good and he’s constantly trying to dribble past people, but he’s a massive fanny. Messi never carries on like this and he gets the shit kicked out of him every time he steps onto the pitch.
Neymar has also taken over from the jug eared Croatian lad for the worst haircut at the tournament. Looks like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti on his head. That said, Boeteng from Germany is in the conversation too. Why would anyone die their hair grey? There’s plenty of time for that to happen all on its own. Utterly baffling, it’s like he’s auditioning for a part as his older self in a movie about his life. Weirdo.
Switzerland are 6th in the FIFA rankings. No idea how, as they’re as bland and dull as can be. They’re organised, work really hard, they’re very streetwise (their tactical fouling in this game was a work of art), hard to break down, know exactly what they’re doing but they’re so dull that if they were a pundit they’d be Ryan Giggs. Actually that’s harsh, Switzerland are dull and inoffensive, Giggs is dull and loathesome. If Switzerland were a pundit they’d be Jermaine Jenas.
It feels as though they qualify for every major tournament and do the exact same thing each time - surprise people by sneaking out of the group stage before losing in the next round (in extra time or pens). Don’t bet against the same thing happening this time.
Reported Reds transfer target Shaqiri was slated by the pundits and Gary Neville called him lazy. I’m not having that though. It’s all well and good showing these examples of him not tracking back, but perhaps he isn’t supposed to? We aren’t privy to what his coach tells him to do so all this stick he’s getting seems harsh to me.
He’s their best counter attacking player so it makes no sense to have him chasing Marcelo all over the place. Let him hang around in the space vacated by the Madrid full back and try to exploit it.
You know when you see players arriving at the stadium pulling those little designer suitcases with the wheels on? Well I always expect to see Marcelo pushing an old shopping trolley with all of his worldly possessions in, the scruffy bastard. That’s a bit mean, but I don’t care. Anything Real Madrid related is fair game so fuck him, fuck Madrid and fuck Brazil too. Except Bobby, bless him.
Day 5 now, and South Korea v Sweden was dire. In the build up the Korean manager said his players had been swapping shirts with each other during training and even in friendly matches so they could confuse Sweden. I’m pretty sure that isn’t allowed (in games anyway) so if he did this then action should be taken. I reckon it's bollocks though, as their own fans would certainly know even if no-one else would. Relax, I don't mean because “they all look the same” (that seems to be what their coach is implying we all think), I mean that most of their players are not well known and therefore not immediately identifiable.
We’d all know if Son Heung Min had someone else’s shirt on, or if the left back was wearing his. The rest of them though? Wouldn’t have a clue. The same would apply to several of the other teams here, including Sweden who should have done the same thing because this is the least recognisable side they’ve ever had. Sweden’s biggest name is probably that Lindeloth chump from United. Would you be able to pick him out of a line up? I wouldn’t. I literally have no idea whatsoever what he looks like. I know Seb Larssen but that’s about it.
After this game I know their captain now too, mainly because he looks like Steve Redgrave’s older brother and runs like he’s pulling Redgrave’s canoe behind him. Takes a good pen though, and that was enough to win the game. It feels like there have been penalties in almost every game so far. The ref didn’t give this initially but VAR came to the rescue. It was the correct decision and I have to admit VAR had worked well to this point.
Then along came England. Was there anything more certain than England getting done over by VAR at some point? Bad luck follows England to so many major tournaments it should have a Bulldog tattooed on its calf and be accompanied by a shit brass band.
I didn’t think that was a pen for the Walker incident but once the ref had given it there was no way it was getting overturned. If he’d waved play on it wouldn’t have been called back for a pen as it was nothing really. Stupid and unnecessary, yes, but still not a pen.
That wasn’t the real controversy though. The two stonewall pens on Kane that were ignored is hard to explain. I can only assume the officials share my feelings that there is quite literally nothing anyone can do to Kane that would result in him getting a penalty. Twat. FIFA have said they are going to investigate it. Of course they are, they’ll fix it now England have already been shafted. Job done.
England started the game really well but their finishing was woeful. Some of the build up play was great though and they deservedly went in front through Kane’s tap in. The equalising penalty seemed to knock them out of their stride for a while and by the time they got going again Tunisia were in full “park the bus” mode.
They made no attempt to leave their own half and their time wasting and playacting completely ruined the game as a spectacle. England would have got hammered by the press and public if they hadn’t won the game, but in fairness it’s really fucking difficult playing against that and any team in this tournament would have struggled.
They kept plugging away and eventually got their reward when Kane tapped in again in stoppage time. Both goals came from corners, which considering how clueless Tunisia were defending them wasn’t really surprising. The only way they could stop England players getting a free header was to grab hold and wrestle them to the floor.
Very amateurish, and what makes it worse is the centre half opted not to put the ball out for a throw and instead dribbled it out for a corner, from which England won the game. What was he thinking? Dickhead.
Not gonna lie, when Kane scored I turned away in disgust and I may or may not have yelled “fuck off you big chinned slobbering twat”.
I’ve seen a lot of people saying they can get behind this England team because it’s so much more likeable than previous ones. Not for me, Clive. Southgate is likeable enough but Kane, Alli, Kane, Young, Kane, Lingard, Kane…. sorry, not having it, can't root for them.
As ever though, my main reason for not getting behind them is the fans. I can't relate to them. I feel no affinity with them and their 'ten German bombers' songs. And all those fucking small time wankers from insignificant little (and big) clubs who took great pleasure in what happened to us in Kiev, I want to see them crying into their fucking pints.
Made up to see Hendo playing well though, good for him, but I want them out as soon as possible.
Day Six now, and Colombia edged ahead in the best rendition of an anthem. Outstanding stuff that. The Japan one is fucking turgid though. So depressing, so dreary, they should get that whining Sam Smith bastard to sing it.
Two minutes in the game was ruined when a Colombian player handled a goal bound shot and was red carded. The ref got it right but the rule is shit and needs changing. What should happen is if Japan score the pen, the Colombian lad stays on. If they miss, then it's a red card.
Of course that can be abused and the side with the pen could deliberately miss it to ensure they’re playing against ten men, but that’s fine. If they want to do that it’s their prerogative.
The other potential problem is you might get defenders deliberately acting like goalkeepers late in games as it's worth the risk. So maybe keep the current rule in place for the last half an hour, and go with my suggestion if it happens in the first hour. All I know is this double whammy thing is fucking crap and a sending off so early ruins the game as a spectacle.
Colombia were really positive for a while though and equalised with a clever free-kick that went under the wall, Coutinho-style. They were having a real go even with a man less but they ran out of gas in the second half and Japan took control. Their winner came from a set-piece and Ospina really should have done better. Mad how strong football nations like Argentina and Colombia have keepers who sit on the bench for shitty Europa League teams like Chelsea and Arsenal.
Senegal got off to a winning start against sorry Poland. Senegal weren’t even that good, but Poland were terrible. Lewandowski was anonymous but Mané wasn’t in it much more. I don’t know what role he was playing but it was nothing like what he does for us. It was almost like he was playing “holding left wing”. He was hardly ever ahead of his frontmen and kept coming deep to get the ball and then just make simple lay offs. Bizarre.
Senegal’s opener was a flukey deflection and their second was dodgy too. Niang was rolling around feigning injury and had to go off the field. You could tell by the replay there was nothing wrong with him but the ref let him come back on while the ball was bouncing around in midfield. The Polish players hadn’t noticed, and Krychowiak played a bad back pass that the centre half hesitated over, and Niang (having made a miraculous recovery) ran through at full speed, beat the keeper to the ball and had a tap in.
Terrible play by the Poles but the ref did them no favours there at all. They pulled one back through the otherwise horrendous Krychowiak but Senegal were pretty comfortable throughout and never looked like conceding again. Very well organised side on this evidence.
Best bit of this game was the Senegalese centre half Salif Sane trying a Ronaldo style ’side foot’ free-kick from 30 yards and it trickling about 10 yards wide. 10/10 for confidence, 1/10 for execution.
Mo Salah made his belated entrance into the competition as Egypt took on the hosts. He looked fairly sharp I thought. Not everything came off for him but I don’t fully buy into all the comments about him not being right or playing within himself because of the injury. He looked alright to me, he was just surrounded by players who are nowhere near his level.
The first half was relatively even but Russia ran away with it after the break. Their opener was spawny as fuck though. “An own goal by Fatih”. Words not uttered during a live commentary since Neil Ruddock hung up his boots.
The Brazilian right back did well to create the second Russian goal for Cherychev, and the big man up front got the third with a really well taken goal. He’s a fucking good player him, he was impressive all night. Boss lay offs, strong hold up play and he can move as well. I like him.
Salah won and then scored a pen (VAR coming to the rescue again) to give Egypt’s support something to celebrate. Made up for Mo, I was shitting myself in case he missed it. I was so tense it almost felt like he was taking a pen for us. I'd have been sick for him if he hadn't scored. Hopefully he’ll fill his boots against Saudi Arabia and then have a nice rest before running wild on everyone next season.
Egypt were game enough but they just didn’t have the quality to get the ball to him often enough. That Trezeguet is a fucking bum, he was doing my head in. He’s shite but he plays like someone who thinks he’s really good. Hate players like that. Know your limitations.
Finally, the pundits. Eniola Aluko is putting many of the others to shame just by actually, y’know, doing her homework. You’d think that would be a given but it really does seem like some of them just turn up, chat some shit and walk away with their pay cheque. Aluko (and Alex Scott, who has been just as good) can’t do that as she has to work harder than everyone else to be taken seriously. Society is making progress but there’s still a way to go, as we saw with Evra’s continued amazement every time she spoke.
Aluko is well informed and knows what she’s talking about. Hardly surprising given she’s a professional footballer with over a hundred international caps. Her insight really surprised Evra though who reacted like a kid witnessing a magic trick for the first time. At one point he even gave her a round of applause.
Would he have done that if it was Phil Neville? Ok, bad example, Phil Neville has never said anything worthy of applause in his life. Wait, that’s not true, he did make a good observation after the Colombia / Japan game. Shame he was repeating more or less verbatim what Alex Scott had said about five seconds earlier. Like the kid in school who copies other people’s homework but changes a few words thinking the teacher won’t get onto it.
Going back to Evra though, he clearly didn’t mean any harm by it and in his own misguided, patronising way he was actually being complimentary. It’s mad though how people (not just Evra) are surprised that Aluko and Scott have a good knowledge of the game they’ve been playing to a really high standard for their entire lives. Did Evra even know Aluko is a professional footballer, or did he think she’d just sneaked out of the kitchen while her man was down the pub.
Sitting there applauding?? Fuck me that was cringeworthy. As bad it was though it wasn’t even his most embarrassing moment of the tournament. The stupid dance he did outside the ITV studio was worse, but even that wasn’t his lowest point. Nothing can top him saying that FIFA have got it in for Pogba and they wouldn’t have taken that “goal” off Messi or Ronaldo. Never mind the sexism, he should have been sacked on the spot just for that. I wouldn't have even let him finish the show, I'd have just told him to leave there and then.
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