*sigh* Ok, let’s get this over with. You know it was a bad weekend when the only crumb of comfort was a Mark Hughes team snatching a draw, but that’s all we had to cling to as everyone else won, and won comfortably.
Mourinho had been fairly quiet and tantrum free so far this season. Of course, they’d won every game so that would explain it. The first game they didn’t win, his toys came hurtling out of the pram.
Chupo-Mouting put Stoke ahead with a nice finish and celebrated with a terrible dance. You know how I frown upon that kind of thing, but when Pogba and Lukaku are in the opposing side then it’s fair enough I think.
Rashford equalised when Pogba’s effort hit him on the back of the head and wrong footed the keeper. United then took the lead through Lukaku after Wee Joe lost the ball and then stood there sulking instead of chasing back. He’s gone shite since he cut his hair. This is why I’m terrified of cutting mine. I don’t want to lose my talent, especially as I still haven’t figured out what it is yet or if I even have any. I’m aware that I may be getting too old for this look now. Is this how Gerry Francis felt when he was my age? And did he just think “fuck it, I’m not changing for anyone”?
Anyway, Chupo-Mouting headed Stoke level with his second of the game and that’s how it finished, despite United having two great chances to win it.
After the game Mourinho went and shook hands with everyone on the Stoke bench but ignored “Useless”, who made sure he found the nearest camera so he could indignantly point it out. When they were both asked about it afterwards Hughes had a laugh and a joke and said “this isn’t the first handshake-gate I’ve been involved in, so maybe it’s my fault”, while Mourinho was a massive prick about it.
Congratulations Jose, you’ve made Mark Hughes look like a good egg, which despite the trophies might be your greatest feat in management all things considered.
It’s been a bad week for us but it could be worse, we could be Everton. They got spanked by Spurs at the weekend and then walloped by Atalanta in the Europa League on Thursday. The scoreline flattered them against Spurs as it was ridiculously one sided and they were thoroughly outplayed from start to finish.
With August out of the way Kane is on a goal rampage again now. Having failed to score with his previous 24 shots this season it’s ironic that the one that actually found the net was a cross. Because it’s Kane and he’s a great player there were some trying to say he meant it, but did he fuck. Anyone deliberately trying a shot from there is either 1) greedy, 2) thick or 3) Mario Balotelli, who of course has a massive helping from boxes 1 and 2.
Eriksen added a second and Spurs missed a load of gilt edged chances too in the first half. Boos rang around Goodison after one Spurs chance went just wide and the natives are definitely restless. Kane made it 3-0 seconds after the break and only Pickford kept the score down after that.
The only danger to Spurs was that it was so easy that they began to get cocky and they should have conceded when they got caught playing it around at the back and Lloris played it straight to Guaye, who missed an open goal. Lloris is turning into the French Joe Hart. He can make clanger after clanger yet still have people saying how boss he is.
I said before the season Everton would be the surprise package this year. Of course lots of others said that too, as they were the sexy hipster pick to challenge for a top four spot. I wasn’t tipping them for that though, when I said surprise I meant they’d be in the bottom half because they’ve got no pace, especially up top and in midfield. And in defence. They’re like Del Boy’s three wheeled van in a Formula One race.
Everton are so slow they even got run over by a Serie A team, and that’s a league in which defenders can still play when they’re in their forties. This Everton team could go and play against the Reds’ legends side, and Koeman would have to tell them to be careful of the pace of McManaman. And Rush. Maybe even Molby.
I really couldn’t understand the love they were getting over the summer just because they spent a few quid. Anyone with an ounce of sense knew that was mostly the Lukaku money they were spending, and much like Spurs with Bale and us with Suarez, they didn’t use it to replace him, they just went and threw a load of cash round on players they either didn’t need or who were no better than what they had.
I saw some fella coming on as a sub and he looked like Gary Naismith’s dad. Turns out it was that Davy Klasssen fella they paid a fortune for. Shite and slow.
They’re in such dire straits now that Koeman has swallowed his pride and recalled Our Niaase, a lad who 12 months ago he was telling people couldn’t even play football.
Poor Red Ron though, he looked like he was going to cry in his post match interview after the defeat in Italy. Hopefully he didn’t check his twitter mentions afterwards or that might tip him over the edge. It seems Everton fans are revolting in both senses of the word…
West Brom were unbeaten and had only conceded one goal all season. They faced Brighton, who hadn’t won and hadn’t scored. So of course Brighton won 3-1.
Some fella called Gross scored the first two and a lad by the name of Hemed got the third. The only Brighton player I actually know is Duffy, and that’s only because he used to play for the Blueshite. Actually I’ve heard of the keeper Matt Ryan too, because we were linked with him a few years ago and he was part of the biggest choke in Super Bowl history last year.
Morrison grabbed a consolation late on as John Motson described it as “oh the defender is all caught up in a spider’s web there”. Eh? What the fuck are you on about you senile old goat.
He’s announced he’s retiring at the end of the season. Yeah, retiring for about the tenth fucking time. We won’t be truly rid of this hysterical old fuck until he’s in the dirt. He’s had more retirements than Floyd Mayweather this cunt.
Bournemouth still haven’t got a point after they lost 3-0 at Arsenal. Welbeck put the Gunners ahead when he missed a header but the ball hit his shoulder and wrong footed the keeper. Lacazette doubled their lead with a much more convincing finish and Welbeck added a third on the counter after that Dan Gosling jabroni gave the ball away cheaply.
Poor Jermaine Defoe. After that nightmare year at Sunderland it looks like he’s jumped out of the chip pan into the oven.
Meanwhile, Chelsea look like they’re back on track now after their unconvincing start. Morata headed them into the lead at Leicester and Kante then hit one in from 30 yards. Schmeichel should be saving that though as it was a fucking pea roller.
Vardy won and converted to pen to get Leicester back in it but Chelsea held on. Leicester were unlucky though, they played well and look like they’ve well and truly got their mojo back now. It scares me what Vardy and Mahrez might do to us on the counter attack in a couple of weeks.
Diego Costa is due back in town to sort out his future this week. Imagine being a fly on the wall when him and Conte meet. It’ll be like a scene from the Godfather.
Watford are enjoying a good start to the season and they won 2-0 at Southampton with goals from Doucoure (who looks useful) and Janmaat. They deserved it too, they were comfortably the better side and the Saints fans weren’t pleased with what they saw. Serves them right, they wanted to keep Van Dijk instead of cashing in and re-investing it throughout the team and this is what happens.
That Watford manager is good though. He almost achieved the impossible last year and was within a whisker of keeping Hull up. Now he’s got Watford looking like a team that might push for the top half of the table.
The Blues might go for him when Red Ron gets the boot at Christmas, although if they’re in the bottom six maybe they’ll need to call Fat Fireman Sam instead. You just know he’s biding his time until the phone call comes in December from some struggling club that’s in full on panic mode.
Mind you, if Palace are anything to go by maybe clubs won’t wait that long this year? Just what the fuck are they doing? They let Allardyce walk and then appointed De Boer because they want to change direction. Fair play, that’s a pretty big change in style and philosophy and they should be applauded for it, but it was never going to happen overnight.
Sacking him after four games says far more about the Palace decision makers than it does about De Boer. But then Mark Bright is heavily involved in their decision making, so that probably explains it as I remember him from he was a pundit, and he’s a fucking moron. Whenever you see the Palace chairman though he’s got Bright hanging off him. It’s like Mr Burns and Smithers.
De Boer’s last game was a hugely unfortunate defeat at Burnley. Palace played well and didn’t look like a group pf players that had quit on the manager. A dreadful backpass by Lee Chung Yong presented Chris Wood with the opener, and the Burnley fans began chanting “you’re getting sacked in the morning”, which as it turns out was right.
The chairman Steve Parrish was on Twitter after the game saying “it’s only four games in, we have to stick together”. So what the fuck happened? While he was tweeting that, the papers were preparing the “Hodgson for Palace” stories, which turned out to be right on the money. So much for sticking together eh? Shithouse.
They deserve to go down for the whole De Boer thing, but they probably won’t because they’ve appointed Hodgson and he’ll do just enough to keep them up. Hope not though, I’d love to see them relegated this year, although not at the expense of West Ham staying up. If it’s a choice, then I want the Dildo Brothers and their free stadium banished to the Championship.
Moving on, Rafa was absent for Newcastle’s trip to Swansea as he recovered from an operation, and he left the babysitter in charge. Remember the little mute boy who always used to sit behind him on our bench? Yeah, he’s still with Rafa and took charge of the team. I’d have loved to have heard his team-talk.
Anyway, it turns out he can speak after all, as he did the post match interview on MOTD and then earlier this week he said Jonjo Shelvey is one of the best players he’s ever worked with. As with most things in life, it put me in mind of a quote from Goodfellas. Remember the story that Tommy’s ma told Henry?
“It's about a man who's wife complains in company that he never says anything. He then says 'What am I going to say, that my wife two-times me'. His wife then says 'You talk too much’”
We wait ten years for this fucker to open his mouth, and when he does he’s comparing Jonjo fucking Shelvey to the likes of Gerrard, Alonso and Torres.
Newcastle won with a late header from skipper Lascelles, but the man talking point was when Matt Ritchie caught Alfie Mawson in the head with a high boot but was only given a yellow card. What was the difference between that and Mané, everyone asked. Well Mawson didn’t cry and whine and make a big fucking deal of it like that fanny in goal for City, so that’s the main difference.
Chris Sutton was on MOTD2 and he went off on one about it. He’s great, I can't get enough of him. I don’t particularly even care what he’s actually saying but I just love watching him say it. He fascinates me, there's something very Partdridge-esque about him and if there was a petition for Chris Sutton to be on every single footy show out there, I’d happily sign it.
Finally, West Ham beat Huddersfield on Monday night. I didn’t watch it and I can’t really be arsed trying to find out any more about it, as this weekend needs putting in a sack with a load of bricks and dropping in the deepest darkest depths of the ocean. Ideally with Mourinho in there too, and that fucking crybaby keeper of Man City’s with the shitty neck tattoo.
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