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Premier League Round Up (Sep 13-15 2014)

There are some weekends when I absolutely love doing this. When I literally can’t wait to get started; Match of the Day is watched with relish and I’ll be in fine form, cracking gags like a white, scouse, Eddie Murphy. This wasn’t one of those weekends.

 

It was shaping up to be though when City and Arsenal took points off each other in the early game and then Mongo put through his own net at the Bridge to give Swansea an early lead. It was all coming up Millhouse at that stage. That was as good as it got though, Chelsea strolled to a comfortable win and we went and lost to Aston fucking Villa.

 

Going back to the Arsenal / City game, that was probably the best outcome for us although I guess it depends what your ambitions are for the season. At this early stage it’s difficult to know what’s for the best. Given that City were the side who pipped us to the league last year maybe them losing would have helped us more? Then again, we might be grateful of just finishing in the top four this year in which case Arsenal losing might have been more helpful.

 

I just don’t know what to think anymore, my head’s up my arse as far as the Reds are concerned. I *think* we’ll be really good once everyone is settled in, but I can’t help but fear that we’re just going to keep thinking back to last year and pining for Suarez and that 12 game winning run. I’m almost at that point already you know. Just now when I was going through the TV planner to load up MOTD, I saw the Arsenal 5-1 in there and immediately deleted it. Too painful you see, it feels like a lifetime ago already. I know I’m being a proper fanny about it, but I can’t help it. I miss last season and I miss Luis.

 

Anyway, taking all the uncertainty into account a draw in this one was probably for the best. Arsenal started well and should have scored early but Welbeck hit the post with a confident chip. They then did what Arsenal do against any decent side; got caught out in midfield and conceded a goal on the break. You can set your watch by them, they’ll never learn.

 

Wilshere scored a terrific equaliser after the break (which will no doubt have people talking about how he’s ready to “fulfil his potential”), and then Sanchez volleyed in an absolute cracker. I keep saying it but it’s going to annoy the shit out of me all year seeing him playing for Arsenal instead of being our new Suarez. The tit.

 

City came back strongly and equalised with a Demichelis header. They should have had a penalty too and then hit the woodwork twice after getting back to 2-2. They probably deserved to win really. Time will tell whether we’ll wish they had or not.

 

One thing I have no conflict about whatsoever is hoping to see Chelsea lose every fucking week. They play City this weekend and I’m all in on City winning that one. I really fucking hate Chelsea. You may have picked up on that by now though, I guess.

 

They overcame that bad start against Swansea but it would have been a different story had the ref done his job. Costa smacked Sigurdsson in the face off the ball and got away with it, and the horrible cunt then went on to complete a hat-trick. I said when they signed him he was nailed on to be the most hated player in the league and I take no pleasure in being proved right, which I will be. He’s already taken over from Terry as the poster boy for everything Chelsea stand for, the vile snide cheating cunt.

 

Remy came off the bench to score the fourth, and every time he finds the net this season it’s going to be hard for us to swallow isn’t it? Knowing our luck he’ll be the one who scores the goal that wins them the title.

 

Jonjo pulled one back near the end and with Swansea’s tails up soft arse had to get himself involved and grabbed the ball to waste some time and caused a bit of a scuffle on the touchline. The next time he does that shit, I want to see someone punch him right in his stupid fucking annoying, smug, arrogant face. In fact, I just want to see someone do that anyway, whether he’s time wasting or not. Cunt.

 

Hear what he said about Ronaldo this week? This is bad even by his standards…

 

“To lose a semifinal on penalties when your best player, your best penalty taker, the player in who you put all your faith and pick to take the first penalty, reaches the spot and fails. That is a frustration which never goes away."

 

Any manager who blames a player for missing a pen in a shoot out is a fucking self centred gobshite. I mean, if his game plan relied on winning a penalty shoot out then it’s his own fucking fault. To blame Ronaldo though is even more a shithouse trick, say what you want about Ronaldo but his goals for Madrid were the only reason Mourinho won anything there, and he should probably come out and make that point to his dickhead former coach.

 

This year is just going to drive me round the fucking bend, I can tell already. Chelsea are going to win the title, there’s a sense of inevitability about it; it’s like waiting for the grim reaper to come. At least they didn’t win their Champions League game in midweek, it’s only a tiny crumb of comfort but look at it this way, it’s better than them winning isn’t it? Funny thing is, as shit as we were against Ludogorets, we were the only English team to win in the Champions League this week. Eat that, bitches.

 

Final point on the Chelsea game, Gomis is the French Kenwynne Jones. He’s been awful any time I’ve seen him play. Amazing that he isn’t playing for Newcastle though, I thought they had a monopoly on French shite. Maybe Gomis is the only Frenchman not represented by Willie McKay.

 

On the subject of the Geordies, that brings me nicely onto their 4-0 whupping at St Mary’s. Pelle headed in the first and then tapped in the second. He got really lucky with that second one though; he tried a ridiculously ambitious first time volley from 30 yards which he miscued badly, straight into the path of his team-mate Tadic who gave it back to him for a simple finish. When you let in a goal like that you know it’s not your day.

 

Newcastle’s defending was horrific all day though and Williamson’s hesitation allowed Cork to make it 3-0 before Schneiderlin wrapped it up with a brilliant fourth. The travelling Geordies made their feelings known with a “Pardew Out” banner. Fuck them. They deserve Pardew and he deserves them. I only wish Joe Kinnear was still there too, as they both deserve him as well.

 

Sunderland somehow managed to get a draw at home to Spurs despite being battered for most of the game. Chadli gave the Londoners an early lead when he pounced on a rebound after just two minutes but Johnson equalised with a shot that deflected off two defenders as well as the keeper before finding the net. Great mazy run from the winger though.

 

Eriksen put Spurs back in front two minutes after the break after Cattermole dived in and failed to win a challenge. Maybe that will silence this “Cattermole for England” nonsense. I actually thought that was just a bit of a laugh at first, but apparently it’s serious. There’s actually people who want to get Cattermole in the England squad. You know what though, count me in. The more shite cloggers in there the better, as long as it means our lads are the ones the Owl leaves out to accommodate them. Harry Kane's own goal eight minutes from time gave Sunderland a point they didn’t deserve. Hodgson should call him up too.

 

A Jonas Ollsson blunder allowed Lukaku to curl a brilliant opener to send the Blues on their way to a routine 2-0 win at the Hawthorns. Ben Foster then did his best Hans Segers impersonation to allow a shot by Mirallas to squirm under his body and that was that.

 

It’s been a good week for our unfriendly neighbours. Not only did they pick up three points at the weekend but they got some good news about their new stadium too. Looks like they might well be moving to Walton Hall Park. Funny this, remember how they all suddenly became tree hugging fucking hippies when they thought we were building on Stanley Park? “You can’t let de redshite build there, worrabout all dat greenbelt” they cried. Not an Eco-warrior to be seen in blue now though, oddly enough. Scruffs.

 

They were back in Europe too.. sorry, I mean €urope. Wonder if they’re still selling those €vertonian passport holders, and those little rubber wristbands they had last time they were in it? They certainly enjoyed themselves on their return though, beating Wolfsburg 4-1 on what appeared to be fancy dress night at Woodison. At least I assume it was, as about 12,000 of them turned up dressed as blue plastic seats, the cads.

 

Elsewhere on Saturday, Leicester posted their first win of the season at Stoke. They’re not going to be pushovers for anyone as they’re really well organised. Ulloa scored again, his third in 4 games.

 

Palace and Burnley played out an entertaining goalless draw at Selhurst Park. That Scott Arfield lad for Burnley looks decent but he missed a pen that would have given them a huge win. It was a hell of a save by Mr Potato Head Julian Speroni though to be fair.

 

I noticed while watching this that Neil Warnock has that same saggy old man body shape as Hodgson. Standing there on the touchline with his tracky bottoms and polo shirt tucked in, he looked just like the Owl.

 

Sunday now, and someone needs to pass me the sick bag as all this fawning over Van Gaal and his new look United is turning my fucking stomach. Cool your jets knobheads, it was only QPR, who are without doubt the worst side in the Premier League based on what I’ve seen so far. I don’t remember everyone tonguing Tottenham’s balls when they put four past them.

 

The first was a fluke and until then they’d looked shite. It’s funny how some are falling over themselves to claim Di Maria meant it, just because he cost a record transfer fee. Would they be saying the same if it was Cattermole or Joey Barton had done that?

 

Seriously though, QPR are a disgrace. They’re exactly like they were the last time they were in the top flight. You look at their team and wonder how they actually manage to be that shit.

 

Ferdinand was given a special presentation on the pitch by United before the game. He responded by giving them a special presentation on the pitch too, an absolute dog of a performance that ensured the easiest game United's frontmen will have all year.

 

United brought on Falcao, Valencia and Januzaj. QPR responded by sending on…. Karl Henry. Hang on, Henry and Barton are on the same team now? Remember the feud they had a couple of years ago? Mind you, if QPR restricted themselves to only selecting players who Barton hasn’t had a row with, they’d not be able to pick anyone, not even Joey himself.

 

Falcao can fuck off though, the whore. Selling himself to 3rd party owners and then letting them decide his career path. Fuck that guy, can’t stand players with that mentality.

 

Hull and West Ham on a Monday night wouldn’t be my cup of tea at the best of times, but after the Villa game I was basically in “fuck off football” mode all week. It’s taken me until now (thursday night) to even watch Match of the Day and I’m not going to search the internet for highlights of West Ham and fucking Hull. Apparently it was a good game, it finished 2-2 and - according to Brendan at least - Stewart Downing was the best player on the pitch.

 

I’m saying nothing, as we play West Ham at the weekend.

 

Dave


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"I don’t remember everyone tonguing Tottenham’s balls when they put four past them." - I've been trying to raise this point since Sunday but I could never have come up with a better sentence than this to sum it up

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Jets were well and truly cooled today. Almost eases the pain of yesterday.

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