It’s mad, I’m writing about last weekend’s games but it feels like it was months ago as so much has happened this week. It’s weird watching MOTD and Brendan is still in charge of us, but the worst part of this is I’m having to watch all these jabroni teams who don’t have Jurgen Klopp as manager. Imagine following a team that doesn’t have Jurgen Klopp as manager? It must be miserable as shit. I’d pity the fools if they weren’t all bad “let’s sing about Steven Gerrard” type knobheads.*
* Crystal Palace being the one exception to that rule, but they have their own Mr Charismatic in charge and therefore don’t need any sympathy from anyone.
Anyway, the big story of the weekend before Brendan got the bullet was Chelsea’s continuing woes. Them losing 3-1 at home to Southampton was just fucking hilarious, but Mourinho’s interview afterwards took it a stage further. I’ll get to that in a sec, but first the game itself.
Chelsea took the lead with another flukey free-kick from that turd Willian. Four games in a row he’s scored from free-kicks, and two of them were meant to be crosses. That gave them the perfect start but they didn’t build on it and Southampton hit three goals without reply to pile the pressure onto a clearly rattled Mourinho.
While all the talk is about how suddenly shit Chelsea have become, let’s give some praise to Southampton, who were fucking ace. Sadio Mane has really stepped it up this year, he’s a real handful and has added end product to the nuisance value he brings. Loves a dive though doesn’t he? That might be why he was denied a clear pen in this one, if refs have been watching MOTD they’ll have his card marked. Pelle took his goal brilliantly and they could easily have had more than three as they blitzed Chelsea with quick counter attacks.
Matic was brought on at half time and was subbed soon after. I’m not sure that’s as big a deal and some are making it out to be. I know generally you don’t “sub a sub” as it’s deemed insulting to the player, but was this not just a case of sacrificing a holding midfielder for a striker when you’re 3-1 down? Not that I’m arsed, I hope there is more to it and that Matic downs tools like his mate Ivanovic who has almost overnight turned into possibly the worst player in the Premier League. He’s fucking horrific and it’s becoming a weekly highlight tuning into MOTD to see him getting savaged by the pundits. It’s almost like he’s deliberately being shit. Maybe he misses Eva? Hell, maybe they all miss Eva?
Mourinho gave a seven minute interview to sky afterwards that consisted of Geoff Shrives asking one question and him completely going off on one. His BBC interview was even better, albeit a lot shorter. “The referee wah wah wah wah” “didn’t give us a penalty wah wah wah wah” “give us a break wah wah wah wah” and then the interviewer says “Southampton feel that they should have had two penalties too” to which he then replies “I prefer not to comment”. That’s some impressive levels of hypocrisy even by his standards. Utterly shameless. As Ron Burgundy famously said, I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.
Is Jose in trouble? He might be, Roman has a notoriously itchy trigger finger when things aren’t going well but guess what, we’ve got Klopp now so who are they going to go for? Ancelotti maybe, but would he want to go back in there after they asked him? There is one fella out there who’s available. He knows Chelsea well as he worked there for years and studied under Mourinho. He’s got Premier League managerial experience too, in fact he almost won the thing two years ago. Just saying…
This is uncharted territory for Mourinho though, he’s not been in this situation before and neither have many of their players. You can see they’re kind of freaked out by it and don’t really know what to do. Every now and then in life you find yourself in a situation that’s just completely unexpected and it can be almost surreal. Take last night for instance. I went the pictures with a mate to see Sicario, a film about a Mexican drug cartel. So we walk in, and there’s pensioners all over the place. What the fuck?
No word of lie, there were at least a dozen pensioners scattered around in there, including three old dolls sat together who looked like they were in their 70s. You never see old folks in the cinema at the best of times, but for a film like this? It was unsettling, it felt like we’d walked onto the set of Cocoon and I didn’t know whether to find a seat or head for the exit in case we’d walked into the wrong room.
It got even more weird, there were two old fellas both sat on their own on either side of the aisle. Nothing too odd about that you’re no doubt thinking, except they started talking to each other across the aisle and it soon became clear they were actually there together. Now with them being old, and the movie being loud, they were having to shout so they could hear eachother. Why did they not just sit together? Why? Why would you sit separately and shout to eachother? Just why?
I needed to know. Was this some kind of hidden camera show and the joke was on me? I couldn’t concentrate on the film at all due to running all the possibilities through my mind. In the end there were only two explanations I could think of. Either they both wanted an aisle seat, or one of them was a really, really bad mingebag and didn’t want to share his big fuck off carton of popcorn with the other.
About 45 minutes into the movie they’re trying to have a conversation to no avail, so one of them finally gets up and goes to sit next to his mate. Five minutes later they both got up and fucked off in a real hurry, in fact they almost ran out of there. It ruined the entire movie for me because I can’t just shrug things like that off, I needed to know just what the fuck was happening. Initially I thought one of them must have shit or pissed his kecks, but we'd have smelt it had that been the case. Maybe it took them that long to realise they weren’t in the bingo?
Anyway, I don't even know how I got onto that, but while I'm on the subject of weird old men with too much to say, it was a good weekend for Arsene Wenger. So much so that the “Wenger Hokey Cokey meter” almost exploded after it hit “IN” at a rate of knots when they went 3-0 up on United inside 20 minutes. At that point it looked like they might hit six or seven but it kind of fizzled out in the second half. Still, they were fantastic at the start of the game, it was the kind of start we used to make before we became more lethargic than a sloth’s fart.
United are just not very good though. I don’t care what the league table says, I know what my eyes are telling me and my eyes tell me they really aren’t very good. The problem is, no-one else is either. The two best teams are City and Arsenal right now but even both of them have shown they can be vulnerable.
The top four is wide open this year. In fact, top spot is wide open too as City are an injury or two (Aguero and Silva) away from not really being all that. It might be the lowest points tally for a champion in years. Depending on how long it takes for Klopp to implement his methods we can still have a good season but I fear he may need a full pre-season before he can really get the players doing what he needs them to do.
Anyway, enough of that for now, back to dealing with all these Klopp-less jabronis, the worst of whom right now are Newcastle who have only won one of their last 19 league games and lost 6-1 at the Etihad at the weekend. I knew they were shit, I didn’t realise just how shit though. That’s a horrific run. One win in 19?? Poor old Shteve McClaren hasn’t even won a game yet, I didn’t know that either until they pointed it out on MOTD. If that continues for much longer he is going to find himself more isolated than that sad little island of hair he has at the front of his head.
The weird thing is they were all over City in the first half and should have been out of sight. Mitrovic headed them into the lead and then had one harshly ruled out for offside soon after. Then he put one over when he should have scored before being denied by Hart when clean through. City were completely under the cosh and looked awful, but a bit of magic from Silva ended with Aguero nodding in an equaliser late in the 1st half and that was that.
Newcastle just capitulated and Aguero ran riot, hitting five in 20 minutes before Pellegrini subbed him with loads of time left, the grey faced killjoy. Just let him play and see if he can make history by scoring ten, you dour, zombie looking fuck.
Moving swiftly on, and Sunderland finally got their Dick out after weeks of speculation. At least he didn’t end with a defeat as they picked up a point at home to West Ham. That’s more than ourselves, Arsenal and City combined managed. They were 2-0 up though so it probably felt like a defeat. Fletcher got the first and Lens then made it 2-0 with a sublime chip. Borini then missed a sitter that would have ended the game. The lion may as well have stayed in his comfy cage for all the use he’s been to Sunderland since he went there.
Then it all went unravelled for Dick’s men. Jenkinson pulled one back, then Lens got himself sent off for a daft tackle that earned him a second yellow and Payet equalised soon after following a howler from Pantilimon. It could have been even worse for the Mackems as Jelavic put one over the bar from a yard out.
Final observation from this one, Steven Fletcher is without doubt the roughest looking fucker in the league. He defo had the world’s toughest paper round as a kid, he makes Diego Costa look like Michael J Fox.
They’ve appointed Fat Sam now, which probably gives them their best chance of staying up. Whatever limitations he has, if you need someone to come in and keep you in a division he’s right up there with Pulis as the best man for the job. I’m not sure even he can keep Sunderland up though, as they’re terrible.
Elsewhere, Leicester bounced back from their 5-2 defeat by Arsenal last week to win at Norwich. For some reason Ranieri dropped my boy Mahrez but it didn’t matter as Vardy & co are playing so well right now they didn’t even miss Mahrez. He won a penalty by getting in front of Basing and then hiring himself to the floor. Never a pen for me, but fuck Bassong, I still remember that shit he pulled with Suarez that time, when he hauled him down in the box and then ran to the ref screaming about a dive. What goes around comes around, fucko.
Vardy buried the pen and then Schlupp (I really like him too, for the record) added a brilliant second on the break. Some fella I’d never seen before pulled one back for Norwich but Leicester held on to stay in joint fourth with Palace.
Speaking of whom, they had a good win over their former boss Tony Pulis on Saturday. Zaha was outstanding a week after Pardew had torn a strip off him for being shit. Bolasie’s brave header broke the deadlock midway through the second half and Cabaye’s late pen wrapped it up.
Glen Murray put Bournemouth ahead at home to Watford but a howler by the howler-prone Artur Boruc allowed Ighalo to equalise. He’s good that Ighalo, he took that goal superbly and he gave Distin a torrid time. Bournemouth should have won the game when they were awarded a pen but the BFG made a good save from Murray’s pen.
Aston Villa’s problems continued as they were beaten at home by Stoke. Sherwood told Villa fans it would be a season of “ups and downs”. Well he’s half right anyway, Villa do look like they’re going down.
Charlie Adam almost scored from inside his own half again, it needed a finger tip stop from Guzan to deny him after a stunning strike. Arnautovic had a goal wrong ruled out for offside but had the last laugh by grabbing the winner in the second half. Villa have every right to feel aggrieved at that as he shouldn’t have even been on the pitch but the referee overlooked his blatant crimes against good hair. Seriously, if your hair isn’t long enough for a pony tail, don’t fucking put it in one dickhead.
Villa had a corner in stoppage time and sent Guzan forward, only to take a short one and lose it. The fans went ballistic, but then you would, wouldn’t you? That's unforgivable that. Fucking losers.
Onto Sunday now, I’ve already mentioned Arsenal laying the wood to the Mancs, so that just leaves Swansea and Spurs. Ayew’s fine header gave Swansea the lead but Eriksen equalised with a free-kick the keeper should have saved. Kane’s hilarious own goal restored Swansea’s advantage but Eriksen bagged another free-kick - this one a corker - to earn Spurs a point, although it needed a phenomenal save from Lloris in stoppage time to prevent Swansea winning it.
And so ends the last Klopp-free weekend. Now the fun begins….
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