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Premier League Round Up (Oct 18-20 2014)

It was not a bad weekend for us all things considered. That totally undeserved three points we stole from QPR meant we made up two points on Arsenal and United and three on Spurs. The Blueshite won but you can’t have everything I suppose. City and Chelsea both won too but they ceased being relevant to us the moment fragile little Danny pulled his thigh trying to impress the owl and left us up shit creek with a Mario shaped paddle.

 

City were involved in a hugely entertaining game as Aguero ran riot against Spurs at the Etihad. He put City ahead early on but Eriksen levelled a minute later and Spurs looked dangerous going forward all day. Lampard then won a pen with a shocking dive, going down like a big fat sack of shit. Aguero buried that pen and got another opportunity soon after following Kaboul’s reckless challenge on Silva. He’s fucking shite him, an absolute liability. He’d fit right in at Anfield. This time Lloris saved the pen which was straight down the middle.

 

Referee Jonathon Moss was having an eventful afternoon and awarded a third pen early in the 2nd half, this time to Spurs. Again, it wasn’t a pen as it was outside the box. It didn’t matter because the hopeless Soldado missed with a really weak effort. He’s another one who’d fit right in with our present set up.

 

Aguero completed his hat-trick from the spot after he’d been tugged back by Fazio (who was sent off) and then grabbed a fourth with a solo effort. He was unplayable, he basically destroyed Spurs all on his own.

 

Spurs played quite well though despite the scoreline, and that Ryan Mason jabroni actually looked alright I thought. Still can’t get my head around his story, that kind of thing just doesn’t happen in modern football.

 

I said a few weeks ago Aguero was nailed on to finish top scorer if he stayed fit, and a few eyebrows were raised at that because of the start Diego Costa has made, but Aguero is a vastly superior player in my eyes and far less of a cunt.

 

Over at Selhurst Park Oscar’s brilliant free-kick after just six minutes put Chelsea ahead against palace but the game burt into life when Azpilacueta was sent off for a reckless challenge. Delaney then followed off for two yellows awarded for fouls on Remy (who made the most of both). Fabregas made it 2-0 before Campbell pulled one back in stoppage time.

 

I remember watching this fixture last season and Palace won. We were in the middle of that great run and going for the title. What a difference six months has made. Fuckin’ Chelsea, the season ruining cunts. We play them in a few weeks. Can hardly wait for that, honest. And surely I'm not the only one who can't stand Courtois’ stupid gormless Postman Pat face.

 

Staying in London, Arsenal are having a weird season aren't they? They look like they should be doing a lot better than they are, yet somehow they’re behind us even though we’re shite. They almost lost to Hull at home and needed a late equaliser to rescue a point. Sanchez scored a Suarez type goal to put Arsenal ahead. It was his 6th of the season already and every time he finds the net it’s like a kick to the balls as we should have moved heaven and earth to get him here.

 

I’d love to sit in a room with the decision makers at Anfield and listen to them try and convince me that it was good business to not just offer to give him 20k a week more than Arsenal were offering, and instead go out and buy Markovic and Balotelli for the same money (albeit with a sizeable saving on wages). It’s a complete false economy though, I don't know how FSG aren't seeing that.

 

Diame powered through to equalise, there was a hint of a foul on Flamini, but never mind eh? Hernandez then put them in front but Sanchez set up Welbeck for a stoppage time equaliser. Hull are pretty good though aren’t they? Someone told me today they’ve got the highest set-piece conversion rate in the league. They come to Anfield this Saturday. All I can say about that is *Scooby Do voice* “Ruh-roh”.

 

Elsewhere Ross Barkley was back for the Blues as they comfortably saw off Villa at the Pit with goals from Jagielka, Lukaku and Coleman yet again. The little fucker is pissing me off now, showing Glen Johnson up for the bum he’s become.

 

Newcastle finally won a home game, but it was a close one and it needed a goal from Obertan of all people to secure the points. Goals from him are as rare as Mignolet clean sheets.

 

Burnley are giving QPR a real run for their money in terms of who are the worst team in the country. They had Danny Ings back though for the visit of West Ham and it will be interesting to see how he copes with the Premier League as we were linked with him repeatedly last season. If he’s any good maybe we’ll snap him up in January as we’re likely to be pretty desperate and pretty skint having blown all the Suarez money.

 

Sakho scored again, six goals in six starts for him. Ener Valencia then bulleted in a brilliant header to make it 2-0 and those two are a real handful aren’t they? Boyd took advantage of poor goalkeeping by that Adrian bellend to give Burnley hope but Carlton Cole’s close range header made it safe for them and sent the Hammers up to 4th place. The top four is looking a bit mental at the moment with two unfashionable sides in there.

 

The second of those sides, Southampton, were the big story of the weekend as they hammered Sunderland 8-0. Vergini scored one hell of an own goal to get the ball rolling. There’s been loads of own goals of late and most of them are just those ‘occupational hazard’ type ones when a defender tries to cut out a cross and puts it in the net, or it inadvertently hits him and goes in. This was a belter though, a wild slash at a clearance that he completely shanked and it flew into the corner. This lad seems like he makes a catastrophic fuck up every week. He should be playing for us really.

 

Pelle then tapped in the second, Cork tapped in a third, Bridcutt tapped in another oggy for the fourth, Pelle added a fine fifth, Tadic made it six, Wanyama hammered in a seventh and Mane wrapped it up with the eighth. Absolutely astonishing really.

 

It’s interesting that Southampton have the best defensive record in the league. They aren’t exactly a defensive side either, I mean they just put eight past Sunderland for God’s sake. The reason it’s interesting is because for a lot of the season their two centre backs have been Yoshida and Fonte, two players considered by everyone to be significantly inferior to our boy Lovren.

 

They’ve recently introduced Toby Alderweireld into the mix, you’ll know him as we were linked with him for 12 months but never made any firm offer. If we had signed him he’d now be getting absolutely caned by everybody for being a part of our shite defence. The full backs are interesting too. While we were raiding St Mary’s over the summer we could have picked up Nathaniel Clyne (the player Glen Johnson used to be before getting fat and lazy) but didn’t bother. The other full back is one we did want, or at least Brendan did. Most fans were undwerwhelmed by Ryan Bertrand but he’s done well for Southampton, and again, they’ve got the best defensive record in the league while we’re leaking like a colander in a downpour.

 

My point here is that Southampton can have the best defensive record in the league despite losing their best defender (to us), and they can do it while still playing attractive attacking football. Anyone still think the reason we can’t defend is because of the quality of our defenders?

 

You know what’s funny though? A couple of months ago I was feeling sorry for Southampton for the way they’d been picked clean by the big boys. Fucking hell, don't I look stupid now? I’m feeling sorry for me these days, and casting envious glances towards Southampton. That's how bad things have got. There are some interesting parallels too. For example Southampton and ourselves both bought an Italian striker, only ours cost twice as much and has delivered nothing. We both bought a Serbian winger, again ours cost twice as much and has thus far delivered nothing. Maybe next year we should just sign Southampton’s scouts and fuck all of ours off? The way things are going we may be head hunting their manager too.

 

Still, it could be worse, we could be Sunderland. Fucking hell. Big Vito had a personal nightmare, he probably should have kept half of those goals out but everything went wrong for him. He felt terrible the poor guy, and decided he wanted to reimburse the Mackem fans that had travelled all that way. Then he found out how many of them had travelled (2,500) and how much it had cost them (estimated at around £100 each) and decided “I’ll speak to my team-mates about it”.

 

Fair enough like, he shouldn’t be expected to foot the entire bill for that, I mean that would probably have cancelled out all of his earnings from the Malayasian betting syndicate, and he’s gotta wet his beak a little.

 

The suggestion is that all 18 members of the match day squad will now split the cost, which is a pretty sweet deal for Big Vito when you think about it. He fucks up and lets in a shedload of goals, wants to be seen as being a stand up guy in the neighbourhood like some kind of Mackem John Gotti, and the rest of the ten - including four unused subs! - split the cost. If there’s any flies on Vito they’re paying fuckin’ rent.

 

“Oh you played up front and none of the goals were on you? Fuck you, pay me!” “You went off injured when it was 1-0? Fuck you, pay me!” “You didn’t even get on the pitch? Fuck you, pay me!” “You’re not even a player, you’re just here trying to get autographs? Fuck you, pay me!”

 

Moving on to Sunday now, and Stoke edged out Swansea 2-1 in a controversial clash. Jon Walters got the winner after both sides had converted penalties. Swansea’s pen was blatant, Shawcross ignoring a warning from the ref and deciding to manhandle his opponent to the floor from a corner. Stoke’s pen was less clear cut, Moses taking a dive that had Steve the Pirate wanting to make him walk the plank for it. “He should be punished. He is cheating. He has cheated the ref. It was a game-changing moment. It is a disgusting decision. How he can’t see it as a blatant dive is beyond me. It is clear cheating. One of the most blatant dives you can see and Moses should be ashamed of himself. I wouldn’t show my face to my family if I’d done that. It’s a disgrace and he should be punished. Gaaaaarrrrr”

 

Anyone remember a similar outburst from him last season when Bony took that tumble after being breathed on by Skrtel? No, me either.

 

Finally, Monday night saw the Mancs scrape a draw at the Hawthorns. I didn’t watch it, I’ve got no intention of trying to find any highlights and the only thing I saw from the game was a hell of a goal from Sessegnon after a marauding run by Wisdom. I keep thinking United are going to come good but so far they’re defending like us and that’s undoing all their good work at the other end. If they ever sort that defending out though it could be trouble for us. Thankfully it doesn't look like happening soon.

 

Dave


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Fucking brilliant report Dave the Mackem John Gotti bit was absolutely hysterical

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Great round up, spot on about Southampton.  Loved the "flies on Vito", and the Goodfellas' homage.

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What's the deal with Ryan Mason then?

 

It's in the previous round up. Made his debut something like 8 years ago, spent the rest of his time bumming round the lower leagues on loan and suddenly ends up in their first team at the age of 24.

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