I suspect when I finally come to terms with the fact that the wait for the title goes on for yet another year and I start to view this season through the prism of a battle for a top four spot, I’ll be much happier. I mean, I wasn’t necessarily expecting to win the title this season but I don’t think it was too much to ask for us to still be in the hunt in October. Nine points behind after eight games though. Kinell.
On the bright side, Arsenal and Chelsea are in exactly the same boat as us and Spurs are only two points better off. So as frustrating as it’s been, things are only ‘bad’ if you’re thinking “title or bust”, which - rightly or wrongly - a lot of us are.
City will win this league by at least 15 points. They might go unbeaten too, as the only teams who could upset them are us, Spurs and maybe United if Mourinho can somehow shithouse them to death. If that happens it would make us missing out on it again a little easier to take as long as we’re right in with the chasing pack.
City are going to score a record amount of goals too, I don’t think that’s even in any doubt. They’ve scored 29 already. I mean fucking hell, that puts them on pace for… *opens up calculator app on the laptop* … 138 goals!!!
Seven of them came last weekend when they walloped Stoke. They raced into a 3-0 lead and then eased off a bit. Instead of staying on the floor and thanking their lucky stars that City were showing mercy on them and walking away, Stoke got up and slapped them in the face. Not once, but twice. City then got mad and just bludgeoned them to a bloody pulp.
All I’m reading in recent weeks is how De Bruyne is now the best player in the Premier League. He is, he’s incredible, but some of us were saying it two years ago. By some of us, I mean me, in case you hadn’t picked up on that.
City’s fans don’t deserve him though. You have a player like that and your song for him is that “Oh Kevin De Bruyne” White Stripes shite? Terrible business that when its any player (unless his name fits into the song without putting an “oh” in front of it), but when he’s the best in the league? Personally I’d deduct points for that.
Mind you, I’d deduct points from us too as it seems like we’ve completely given up trying to come up with good songs for our players. We’re at an all time low on that front I think. Fucking lazy bastards can only be arsed signing for Coutinho, Mané and Wijnaldum. The other poor bastards get nothing.
I don’t like City’s keeper, for no particular reason other than he just looks like a twat to me, and - daft as it sounds - I’m rarely wrong when I judge people purely on appearance. Hopefully someone else kicks him in the head soon, the tattooed wanker. Ok ok, that wasn’t nice and I didn’t really mean it. I’m just sick of the City wankfest and how it seems to be overlooked that they’ve spent billions of pounds that they don’t actually have, the financial fair play dodging cunts. And fuck Guardiola and his stupid bald head too.
While City streak away at the top, with United clinging to their coat tails, the rest of us continue to throw points away. We think we’ve got problems, but fucking hell, Chelsea lost to Hodgson’s Palace, who prior to this game hadn’t even scored, let alone won. They followed that up by blowing a 2-0 lead and drawing 3-3 with Roma, and stories are coming out now about their players not being on the same page as Conte. Be interesting to keep an eye on that.
As for Palace, well Cabaye finally broke their three month duck with a deflected goal but minutes later Chelsea had levelled through Bakayoko. The returning Zaha (who was brilliant) restored Palace’s advantage with a superbly taken goal after being played in by ‘Big Mama’.
Sidenote; I wonder if Sakho calls Selhurst Park ‘Big Mama’s House’? I’d like to think he does, as I defo would if I was him.
As good as Zaha’s goal was, the undoubted highlight of this game was in the dying seconds when Sakho found the ball at his feet in his own penalty area by the goal-line and incredibly tried to back heel it off Fabregas to win a goal-kick. Instead he put a chance on a plate for the Spaniard but his shot from a tight angle flashed across the goal. Peak Sakho that.
I see that Chelsea have got three players out with hamstring injuries. Since when do Chelsea lose players to muscle injuries? What’s going on there, has Abramovich cut the budget for the arl blood doping this year?
Tell you what else I’ve noticed about Chelsea. Whenever they have a bad result, it’s Gary Cahill who has to face the cameras afterwards. You never see him when they win, but when it goes wrong he’s out there having to explain it all. It’s the same with England actually. Stand up guy is Cahill.
So a bad day for Chelsea and also a bad day for Arsenal at Vicarage Road. It started well enough, as Mertesacker lumbered forward and thumped in a header from a corner. They had plenty of chances after that to put the game out of Watford’s reach and were in total command of the game until Troy Deeney came on.
That lifted Watford but the real game changer wasn’t Deeney coming on, it was the referee being conned by Richarlison. I said in the last round up that I don’t like him as he looks like a cunt and as I said above, I’m rarely wrong, so this shithousery didn’t surprise me. Still, it was Arsenal so I can overlook this one.
Laughably he didn’t get a ban from this new diving panel. Has anyone actually been banned yet? What is the point of it? Are these panel members getting paid even though they aren’t doing anything? More to the point, can I be on it, as that sounds right up my street.
Deeney scored the pen and Arsenal started wobbling like a Jenga tower in a stiff breeze and eventually they collapsed as Cleverly fired home the winner. Somewhere, probably in a villa in Spain, Bobby Brown Shoes gave a knowing smile and muttered one word to himself: “sensational”.
The only thing more predictable than Arsenal getting outfought and collapsing under pressure is Deeney running straight to the nearest camera to tell everyone how they “didn’t fancy it”. He pulled the same shit with us a few years back. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. Just kidding, I fucking loved it this time, it was great!
I’m starting to warm to old ‘allergic reaction to a bee sting face’ these days as he’s quite amusing at times. His kid is a massive Arsenal fan and was Watford mascot for the day. Afterwards he sent a text to his dad saying “I hate you”, which I expect he does most weekends, but this time it was because his old man had scored against his beloved Gunners.
Deeney was loving it though and said he’s going to rub it in his kid’s face all weekend, which is ace, as any dad will tell you there’s nothing better than taunting your own kid. It’s one of the great joys of parenting. Not gonna lie, Deeney went up in my estimations with that.
When asked by the BBC about what he was looking to do when he came off the bench, he said: “Same as every time I play Arsenal. I’m gonna rough ‘em up. I’m the equaliser. I’m not as great on the eye or a great football player like what they’ve got in terms of quality, but I’m physical I’m rough I’m ugly and I do all the stuff that they don’t like. So as soon as I come on that’s the first thing I want to do. I want to see who wants it out of their back three, who’s up for the challenge and I felt today that none of them were.”
He then went on BT Sport and was even more scathing. On the one hand I’m thinking “knobhead” but on the other it is funny as fuck when it’s another team’s defenders he’s ripping, especially Arsenal’s. In an era where footballers talk in boring soundbites and clichés and rarely say anything of interest, I could listen to Deeney all day. He is to footballers what Chris Sutton is to punditry.
Moving on, and this Wembley thing for Spurs is weird. They just about managed to beat Bournemouth 1-0 on Saturday, but then they travel to the Bernabeu in midweek and come away with an impressive 1-1 draw against Real Madrid. This White Hart Lane renovation might be the only thing stopping them challenging for the title this year.
Only an incredible save from Lloris prevented Bournemouth taking the lead at Wembley as Spurs failed to sparkle. Eriksen made the breakthrough just after half time but Loris needed to come to the rescue again to deny Defoe and secure the points. We’ve got Spurs next, so I’ll say no more about their home form.
Huddersfield are coming back down to earth now and lost at Swansea. Tom Ince missed a sitter and was then brought down when clean through only for the ref to wave away his appeals. Almost immediately Swansea went down the other end and Abraham scored after a clanger by the Huddersfield keeper. No wonder they wanted Danny Ward so badly. Maybe we can let them have Karius in January?
Abraham then nicked a goal from Ayew as he finished from about six inches out. In fairness, there was a good chance it might have been cleared by a defender so there was nothing too egregious about this one. Besides, as a former member of the striker’s union I’d have done that all day, defender or not. Ayew saw his arse about it, which says more about his selfishness than Abraham’s.
Huddersfield started the season well but they’ve hit a bit of a wall of late. Not to worry though lads, you’ve got a trip to Anfield next week.
West Ham were gifted the opening goal at Burnley when a hopeful kick upfield by Joe Hart was missed by Ben Mee and Antonio ran through to score. This annoyed me big time, because any time we play Burnley they defend like fucking superheroes and don’t make any mistakes. Then you see them concede a cheap goal like that. Typical.
Big Andy was then sent off in hilarious circumstances for committing the exact same offence twice in as many minutes. There wasn’t anything malicious in either of them, but having been booked for catching a centre back with a leading arm, why would you go and do the very same thing to the other centre back immediately after?
It was one of those moments where you just inexplicably lose all composure and think afterwards “just what the fuck was I thinking there, that was embarrassing”. Same thing happened to me this week, funnily enough. Well, not exactly the same. I wasn’t playing footy in front of thousands of people and I didn’t smash into anyone with my elbow.
It was an embarrassing moment for me though and as I’m trying to shoehorn this story in somewhere, this seems like the most appropriate spot to do it. Not exactly a seamless transition I know, but *shrugs* whaddayagonnado…
So, I’m in line at the supermarket and all I’ve got is a block of butter and some milk. The fella in front has a basket full of stuff so says “go in front if you like”. I tried to respond by saying I wasn’t in a rush but halfway through the sentence my brain told my mouth to say hurry instead of rush. My mouth didn’t have time to react though and I ended up saying “it’s ok thanks, I’m in no rurry”. I sounded like fucking Scooby Doo. I was mortified. The fella is looking at me trying to figure out if I’m foreign or special needs, when thankfully they opened up another till and I was able to quickly get away. I’m still squirming now at the horror of it.
Anyway, back to West Ham / Burnley. Carroll’s sending off put the Hammers up against it but they held on to their one goal lead until five minutes from time when Wood headed home.
Onto Sunday now, and the master and the apprentice met as Rafa’s Newcastle travelled to Pellegrino’s Southampton. It was a decent game and ended 2-2.
Hayden fired in from 20 yards as Herman Munster in the Southampton goal got himself into a right muddle. He’s shite, he only ever plays well against us, the big dope. My boy Gabbiadini equalised with a fine solo effort. You know who he reminds me of? Sturridge, back when he was good. Very similar style.
That Ayoze Perez fuck hit back straight away though, but you can chalk up the assist for Forster again, the big fucking loser.
Gabbiani levelled from the spot after Newcastle got Shane Long’d. The striker only had eyes on winning the penalty as he toe poked the ball out of play and then leant in to wait for the challenge from the defender, which duly arrived. Stupid, reckless defending. Has he never seen Long play before? I saw that coming a mile off, you know exactly what he’s going to do in that situation and you have to not commit to it.
Next up, the Blues. They so so nearly lost at Brighton, and I’m not sure Koeman would have survived if they had. Knockaert thought he’d won it for Brighton with a goal nine minutes from time, but Bruno then lost his fucking mind in the dying seconds and elbowed Calvert-Lewin in the face to concede a pen. What the fuck was he doing, the soft get? He seemed to be pissed off after being shoved by Rooney, and just threw his arm into the youngster’s face right in front of the ref.
Rooney kept a cool head to put the penalty away but nobody is fooled by this. Everton were terrible again and they’re in trouble. They look like they’re going to be in a relegation battle at this rate.
The good news is that most of those players have experience of dogfights at the bottom with their previous clubs. The bad news is quite a few of them were on the losing end of those dogfights. Pickford and Niasse both went down as recently as last season, and here they are again. Out of the frying pan into the fire.
The best was yet to come though as Comedy Thursday rolled around and all hell broke loose at the Pit. I’m so glad I held fire on posting this round up until after their Europa League game, as I’d have hated to have missed out on that. It was glorious. Just how much funnier can their attempts at European football get? We’ve got three more games to find out.
The fan trying to punch a Lyon player while he held his son in his other arm is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in ages. Obviously it’s appalling behaviour and I’m not trying to make light of it. It’s just I find it impossible to watch it without pissing myself laughing. Only at Everton.
Now there’s talk of the fella being reported to social services and him being an unfit parent. Hard to argue, the poor kid shouldn’t have to endure such a traumatic experience. You just don’t want to see kids having to witness such horrors. And if just having to watch Everton isn’t bad enough, his arl fella is throwing punches at players. Bet he was wearing Lonsdale slip ons too.
Red Ron is on borrowed time now though. He’ll be gone in the next week or so I reckon, but he won’t be arsed as he’s on a big fat contract and if they sack him now he can either take some time out or go and get another job at a club where the fans aren’t complete fucking cranks.
Finally, Monday night saw Leicester held 1-1 at home by West Brom. Chadli put the Baggies in front but Mahrez equalised. Shakespeare was sacked afterwards, just eight games into the season. Not really a surprise, but this is on the owners more than him. He was never, ever, going to be the long term man there but because he turned things around last year he got the job. The turnaround wasn’t because of him, it was because the players wanted Ranieri gone and as soon as that happened they started performing again.
Still, the backstabbing fuck has done well out of it as they’ll have to pay up his contract. Bet Ranieri cracked open a nice bottle of red to celebrate this one. Not sure who they’ll get next though, as it’s a bit of a poison chalice now. There’s some really good players there and they should easily be top half, but whatever they do is going to be seen as a bit ‘meh’ after winning the title.
Be funny if Koeman gets it and finishes above Everton.
Recommended Comments