You know, I almost felt sorry for David Moyes this week. That airplane bollocks was very nearly enough to make me sympathise with the fella, but then I read this: “Really looking forward to coming up against him (Pep Guardiola). I've no doubt I'll be doing it plenty of times in the future" and I remembered that this isn’t some poor, sympathetic figure who’s just doing his best in a job that’s too big for him. No, he’s actually a massively deluded fuckwit who doesn’t even realise that the job is too big for him.
Their victory against Villa was a timely one, I certainly wouldn’t say I wanted them to win but I could see some positives in it. The last thing we need is for those knobheads who hired the plane to build any kind of ‘Moyes Out’ momentum, and a 4-1 win made those knobheads who hired the plane look like… well, knobheads. If United had dropped points they’d have almost been vindicated. Of course nothing justifies hiring a plane for such a thing, but the message would have certainly carried more weight if the game had gone badly, and I bet they were genuinely gutted they won. No doubt they figured it was as good a time as any to do it, as after all, two weeks ago Villa had beaten Chelsea hadn’t they. What those plane hiring morons failed to take into account was that YOU CAN NEVER RELY ON ASTON FUCKING VILLA.
Villa had only beaten United once in their previous 36 meetings. How is that even possible? Oh yeah, it’s possible because they’re Aston fucking Vanilla, that’s why. They even managed to lose this despite taking the lead. The Mancs under Moyes never come back when they concede the first goal, but with Villa being Villa that was irrelevant and four goals later Moyes was looking all smug as he left the field with applause ringing in his ears. No-one loses at Old Trafford these days, least of all conceding four goals in the process. So yeah, nice one Villa.
For a spell in the 2nd half they actually battered United but they were unable to make it count and grab an equaliser. Benteke missed two great chances, he’s not all that him you know, I think last season was maybe a flash in the pan. Not an ‘Andros Townsend’ style flash in the pan, obviously, I mean Benteke is clearly a good player, I just don’t think he’s as good as last season suggested he might be. Unless of course he’s just not that arsed because Villa are… well, Villa.
United weathered that brief storm and Mata and Hernandez both then got on the scoresheet to give Moyes a rare good day. The fans even dusted off the ‘Come on Davey Moyes’ song too. I thought that was as dead as Rio Ferdinand’s career, but there’s still life in the old dog yet it seems. The song I mean, not Rio, he’s finished.
A United win is never especially palatable, but these days it’s largely irrelevant to us as we’ve got bigger fish to fry. Such as Chelsea for example. Them losing at Palace was a nice little bonus wasn’t it? I called it too, I’d been telling people all week Chelsea would drop points in this one and that Palace might even win it.
I’d been looking forward to this one and found myself a stream and watched the whole game on the laptop whilst putting together a chest of drawers from Ikea. I actually started it at 10am, figuring I’d have it finished in time to watch the Mancs in the lunchtime game. Bit ambitious that, I was still working on it whilst watching the Man City / Arsenal game that night. Dunno what happened there, I used to be ace at putting these things together, I even gave myself the nickname ‘the Flatpack King’. I may have to abdicate my throne after this debacle though.
“You can hire someone to do these things you know” said my Missus. “It’ll probably only cost about £30”. “I’m not paying anyone to do it” I replied, indignantly. “I’ll do it myself, it’ll only take me an hour or two” Or nine, as it turned out. Seems like I’m the Fernando Torres of flat packs now, living off past glories. Still, I made a better fist of my job than Chelsea did of theirs. I could have put together three of those bad boys and they still wouldn’t have scored at Palace, the fucking crabs.
Pulis had clearly done his homework on Chelsea as he pretty much shut them down completely and 1-0 didn’t reflect the game at all; Palace should have had at least three. Their game plan was perfect, they made sure Hazard didn’t get any room and once they’d nullified him Chelsea didn’t have much else. Who knew? Well me, I’ve been saying for months that Hazard is more or less all they have. Me and Tony Pulis eh, great minds and all that.
Chelsea had about three chances in the entire game, whilst Palace must have had seven or eight. My boy Jason Puncheon was brilliant, Messi-like in fact. I love Jason Puncheon, he’s ace. He could have had a couple of goals and Cameron Jerome - who was also fantastic it should be said - hit the post and could have had a penalty.
For all their chances though, it needed an oggy from ‘Mr Chelsea’ himself to break the deadlock. Have to say, the only thing better than Chelsea losing, is Chelsea losing thanks to a John Terry own goal. The cross looked like it was going to be met by Jerome, but the gravitational pull of Mongo’s massive fod sucked it away from the striker and before Petr Cech could react it was in the back of his net, as I temporarily put down the screwdriver and bounced around the room belting out ‘Glad All Over’.
For all the hype about Mourinho being some master tactician, he’s pretty fucking clueless when they’re losing, always has been. It was remarkable the amount of times Ivanovic just launched crosses into the box from about 40 yards out. They were so narrow and had no width at all, so they just got desperate and went full on alehouse. Where’s Robert Huth when you need him, eh Jose?
You know how people always say that Brendan learned his trade under ‘the master’, I reckon I’ve figured out just what happened there. He paid close attention to everything Mourinho did, studied him intently and made notes of everything from tactical approach, man-managing players and dealing with the media… and then he just went out and did the exact fucking opposite of everything. There are literally no similarities between Mourinho and Rodgers whatsoever, so this is the only explanation.
Once again, Chelsea handled the defeat with typically bad grace. Actually that’s unfair, the conduct of the players was fine, it was only soft shite who made a tit of himself, this time by threatening a ball boy after the kid took his time giving the ball back to Chelsea following instructions from Puncheon.
Mourinho went running down the line to confront the kid (could you ever imagine Rodgers doing that?), but by the time he got there he obviously realised he needed to be careful, so calmly called the kid to him and then said something into his ear. When he was asked about it afterwards, this is what he said:
“It is not right to educate kids to do that. I went to stop Azpilicueta. I was afraid he would lose control of his emotions and push the kid or do something like Eden did last year at Swansea. I told the boy to not do that. I told him if he does this, 'one day somebody will punch you'." Classy guy. And being lectured on time wasting by the guy who used to manage fucking Porto??? Really?
He didn’t share what the kid said back to him, but I imagine it was something like; “I understand why you’re upset Mr Special One, I really do, and you make a valid point. The only ‘punch’ that matters to me, however, is ‘J-Punch’. When Jason Puncheon tells you to do something, you do it. I mean, that’s Jason fucking Puncheon that is.”
Chelsea probably should have bought Puncheon instead of pissing £35m up the wall on that Willian jabroni, who’s biggest attribute seems to be ‘oh doesn’t he work hard?’ Here’s a breakdown of the Brazilian in the form of a maths equation:
Willian = Dirk Kuyt + afro - goals.
Chelsea followed that loss at Selhurst with a 3-1 defeat in Paris. All the talk beforehand had been about the only man in world football with a bigger ego than Jose. #daretozlatan he likes to say, whatever the hell that means. Yet once again, as he’s done every single frigging time, Zlatan came up against an English side in Europe and contributed the total sum of fuck all. I’ve got an equation for that one too:
English club + Champions League + Zlatan = dogshit
Is that what #daretozlatan means then, play crap against any English side? Coz it basically seems the same as #daretoaltidore and #daretojonwalters if you ask me. Fuckin’ Zlatan, if youtube didn’t exist no-one in this country would even know who he is, the fucking flat track bullying show pony. “ooooh did you see that back heel volley assist Zlatan did against Nimes last week?” No I didn’t, I don’t watch French footy as it’s shit, just like Zlatan. Even Bernard Diomede was ace over there remember. Let’s see him do it in a big game against an English side, then we’ll talk #daretozlatan Until then, he’s a shit Andy Carroll with a Gary Neville tash.
Still, when Chelsea are repeatedly putting the ball in their own net and Mongo is laying on assists for opponents who needs Zlatan eh? I was actually trying to talk myself into hoping Chelsea would make the semi’s before getting stuffed as it would make our game with them easier. I found it impossible though, the overwhelming desire to see them lose stomped all over logic. I hope PSG bury them in the 2nd leg and then ‘the scruffy one’ won’t have the Champions League excuse to fall back on when we bum his team senseless in a few weeks.
Mourinho, of course, took no responsibility for the defeat, laying all the blame at the door of his players. What an absolute cock he is. He’s happy to take the credit when his team gets a good result, but when they don’t it’s the players’ fault. He had another go at his strikers too, basically saying he once again went with no recognised centre forward because the ones he has are shite. Way to motivate your squad, helmet.
Whilst I’m on the subject of the Champions League though, how funny was United’s performance against Bayern by the way? I’ve never seen that before, a United side at Old Trafford playing like plucky underdogs, defending for their lives and being unable to put three passes together. Moyes was in his fucking element, he’d love nothing more than to be in this situation every week, getting everyone behind the ball, punting it up to Fellaini’s chest and hoping to nick something from a set-piece. This is who he is, no wonder he was made up with the performance. Their fans bought into it too, they made a great atmosphere and cheered every tackle and block like it was a goal. Reminded me of when we played at Mansfield last year.
Getting back to the domestic action now, and City dropped points too last weekend. Again I saw that one coming, if only because Arsenal would surely have to show some bottle after their recent embarrassments. When City went ahead early on through Silva I figured my faith in the Gunners had been gravely misplaced, they were shite in that first half but Wenger must have got into them at half time because they came out and had a right go. Flamini equalised (he played well, making a mockery of Wenger’s decision to not play him at Chelsea last week) and Arsenal could even have won it as City retreated back and settled for a point.
I thought that was quite interesting actually. It was almost as though City decided that a point was good due to Chelsea losing. Never mind the fact that we still had to play a home game the next day against a Spurs side who have more or less given up the ghost now. I don’t think we’re being that taken seriously you know. We’re Butch from Pulp Fiction aren’t we? That’s how we’ll beat em, they keep under-estimating us.
Elsewhere on Saturday, Cardiff and West Brom were involved in a crazy game at the Hawthorns. Amalfitano lobbed a stunning opener after just two minutes. If fat shite potato head Rooney had scored that we’d never hear the end of it. That goal pissed all over Rooney’s at West Ham last week, but it probably won’t even win April’s goal of the month because 1) he’s not a big enough name and 2) Suarez will probably score one that blows it out of the water anyway. Still, it was a fantastic goal that.
Dorrans made it 2-0 and West Brom looked to be home and hosed, especially as Cardiff are shite. Tell you who’s not shite though, Jordon Mutch. I like him, he’s looked good all season and the goal he scored in this game was almost as good as Amalfitano’s. Hell of an effort that. He’s a ‘Robert Snodgrass’; someone I watch and think “he’s boss him” but would be horrified if he was linked with the Reds. Good, but not THAT good.
A player we most definitely have been linked with - Stephen Caulker - headed Cardiff level. To be honest, I have absolutely no idea if he’s any good or not, I’d lean towards ’Not’ but I’ve not seen enough of him to have any real opinion, and it’s a lot more difficult to judge defenders than attacking players I think. Rodgers has worked with him and apparently likes him a lot, but he likes Ashley Williams too so I’m not putting a great deal of stock in that. The fact he’s scoring goals from set-pieces doesn’t really come into it either, we score enough goals as it is so the main thing we need from a defender is for him to be able to, y’know, defend.
That loan singing with the terrible haircut looked to have won it for the Baggies with a goal deep into stoppage time, but incredibly Cardiff scored with the last kick of the game through that young Norwegian lad, Dahli or something. He did well against us the other week too. He’s no Jordon Mutch like, but he looks decent.
West Brom actually had a 4 v 1 counter attack seconds before the Cardiff goal, but young Berahino made a bad decision and gave the ball away. There were rumours afterwards that one of their senior players lamped him in the dressing room, which if true is bang out of order, although I imagine Gerard Houllier would disagree. Ged’s still not forgiven Daveeeed Ginola for doing the same thing for France all those years ago.
Meanwhile, Southampton’s England contingent were ruling again as they demolished Newcastle at St Mary’s. Rob Elliot made some stunning saves to keep them at bay in the first half but he was eventually beaten in stoppage time when Lambert sprung the offside trap and teed up Rodriguez for a tap in. I say ‘offside trap’, it was basically just Newcastle’s back four hanging around the halfway line not really paying much attention to anything. Alan Hansen described it as ‘the worst bit of defending I’ve ever seen’. I wouldn’t go that far, not unless I’d never seen Phil Jones in action anyway, but it was pretty bad like.
Lambert added a second after brilliant play by Lallana, who then made it 3-0 with a piledriver with his left foot. I don’t even know what Lallana’s strongest foot is, he’s brilliant with both. We should pay whatever it takes to get him this summer. If Rodgers got hold of him he’d turn him into a top five Premier League player, he’s got so much ability he’d fit in perfectly with us and could play in three of four different positions.
I really like Rodriguez too, he made it 4-0 with a good finish late on. He’s moved out of the ‘Snodgrass’ camp but he’s not in the ‘Lallana’ one yet, but if we did make a move for him I wouldn’t object. We’d probably have to sell Borini first though, as there wouldn’t be room for both. Obviously I’d take Luke Shaw as well if there was any chance, but they can all leave those 1920s haircuts behind, we’re not having any of that nonsense at Anfield. Even Raheem has sorted his barnet out now, all that’s left is for someone to have a word with Coutinho and we’re golden.
Elsewhere, Swansea took a big step towards survival by wiping the floor with Norwich at the Liberty Stadium. They played really well, you could even say that some of their football was almost ‘Rodgers like’. ‘The Gooseman’ scored twice, the second one was a fabulous goal, the back heel from Bony was, I believe the term today’s kids use is ‘sick’. If Zlatan had done that it would have been on a vine within seconds and would have gone viral. He wouldn’t have done it though, not unless Norwich relocated to somewhere in mainland Europe.
Routledge added a fine third after good work by Jonjo. Routledge is another in the ‘Snodgrass/Mutch’ camp. I’ve always liked him but he’s just a good mid-lower table player at best. Probably could have been more than that if Brendan had got hold of him a few years earlier. He was the Raheem Sterling of his day, but spent about six or seven years in the wilderness until Rodgers arrived at Swansea. How great is Brendan, I reckon he could even make a player out of Zlatan you know, assuming Zlatan was willing to leave his ego at the door and submit fully to Brendan’s teachings, no questions asked.
Difficult to see that ending well though. The likes of Hendo and Raheem have benefited because they’re willing to listen and do whatever Brendan asks, regardless of whether it makes sense to them at the time or not. Brendan is Mr Miyagi, and Hendo is the Karate Kid. You tell Hendo to ‘wax on, wax off’, he does it with gusto and without question. Zlatan would throw down the sponge, take a shit on the bonnet and go and post some bollocks on twitter about how he #daredtozlatan
He’d piss off to some other Dojo down the street where he’d be lauded as some kind of Billy Big Bollocks as he beats up on various neighbourhood chumps. Then before you know it, he’s being ‘Crane kicked’ into the middle of next week by Hendo. That’s a preview of next year’s Champions League right there.
Aaaaanyway, the Norwich players decided after the game to reimburse the fans who made the long trip to South Wales, which was a nice touch. I can think of other sets of players who are far wealthier than the Norwich boys and who have given their travelling support far more reason to feel let down, but haven’t made such a gesture. The same kind of players who take ‘selfies’ of themselves when they win, eh Arsenal?
At the Britannia, Stoke beat Hull 1-0 thanks to a Peter Odemwingie goal. I wonder who it was at Cardiff that thought it was a good idea to swap Odemwingie for Kenwynne frigging Jones? Mark Hughes must have thought he’d won the lottery that day. That’s the worst swap since Barca decided to send an ‘in his prime’ Samuel Eto’o plus £40m to Inter Milan for that Zlatan turd. £40m plus Eto’o???? For Zlatan???? Hahahahaha! A year later he was loaned to Milan and eventually signed permanently for around £20m. Barca have just been given a transfer ban for the next two windows for some kind of rule breach. They should have had one after that ridiculous swap, the crazy fools.
Speaking of fools, that reminds me of a boss joke I heard this week. “What’s Mr T’s favourite month? April, fool!” Haha class that.
Anyway, Stoke have won three in a row now. They won’t make it four of course, as no-one wins at Stamford Bridge, but imagine if they got a draw? I need to find me a stream for that one, and another Ikea chest of drawers, obviously. I’m not superstitious, but no point taking any chances with so much at stake.
There were only two games on Sunday, one of which of course was our demolition job on Spurs. The talk afterwards was of Sherwood allegedly punching either Soldado or Dawson (the twitter bullshit merchants couldn’t make their mind up on that one). I wasn’t having that at all, but it says a lot about the perception of Sherwood that so many people were willing to believe it. There’s no way Sherwood hit any of his players, but there’s every chance he called a few of them “facking slaaaaaags”.
The other game of the day saw the Blues win 3-1 at Fulham, but it was closer than the scoreline suggests and they needed two late goals to win it. Fulham included Moussa Dembele up front. No, not that one, it was some kid they threw in at the deep end. Is that Fulham’s new game plan then, throw in some random kid and give him the name of a former Fulham great? Who are they gonna send out next week, some 17 year old called George Best maybe?
Seriously though, what’s with the teenage strikers, Fulham? Last week it was that Woodrow lad, and now this kid. It’s almost as though they’ve given up already and are deliberately looking to go down. Why else would you throw in untested teenagers when you have Darren Bent and Hugo Rodallega available? Makes no sense.
Finally, I can’t believe Sunderland got beat at home by West Ham on Monday. About a month ago they looked safe but they’re right up shit creek now. My brother-in-law has been telling me for a few weeks now that they’re going down and the players aren’t showing any fight since they lost the cup final, but West Ham at home is a game they have to win if they’re gonna stay up, surely?
Their next four games are Tottenham (a), Everton (h), Man City (a), Chelsea (a). After that it gets much easier with a home game against Cardiff and a trip to Old Trafford, but by then how big is the gap going to be? That West Ham game was vital for the Mackems, and they picked the worst possible time to serve up such a steaming pile of Zlatan.
Dave
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